iLoveYouWithaKnife
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2002
- Messages
- 8,351
walking home from work tonight, there was a rock in my shoe that was hurting my foot. then i realized there was a boy in my life that was breaking my heart. I had to walk across this porch because there was this chistmas tree that was covering the sidewalk. "isn't it funny", i thought- "how when somone is done with something they just kick it to the curb with the rest of the trash."
and on the phone today- there was just silence.
"my stomach hurts again, but what else is new"
"did you eat anything lately?"
"just a punch of pills"
"maybe you should try eating every now and again."
who needs food when they've got a head full of morphine and alcohol replacing their blood. -comfortably numb.
and maybe i'll go out west for a bit, get away from all of this. i'm sure it will follow me out there, but at least it will be a change of scenery. i'm sick of seeing the same thing- i'm sick of this routine.
and there's this mirror at work, all along the way- that i can't bare to look in anymore. i hate that frown looking back at me. and i hate looking at those eyes, and seeing nothing. they're so empty. maybe if i were skinner, prettier? looked like a model? .... but i guess if i had these things, you wouldn't like me for me, because i'd be someone else. but i just can't shake this idea though- that maybe, just maybe she's still has what you need.
And this morning I didn't want to get out of bed... still nothing to say but there was just a sense of something. maybe the reason i wanted to stay there was to figure out why, i felt completely nothing. no emotions creeping over me.
eventually i'll get to work. i'll hear the same songs like everyday. i'll see the same faces and pour the same drinks. i know these people so well, like the back of my hand- why don't i know myself anymore? and all i'll need is my beer, and my guitar... one step closer to figuring myself out.
another tuesday night, noone around to case the joint. left with my thoughts. people gone- left money on the bar, that i don't even want to pick up anymore. people just don't realize that i'm living off my tips, i'm living off a couple of bucks. i'll just continue to sit here with my pen and my paper, my cigarettes, my water.
-and this song... haven't heard it in a while. for crying out loud- yeah for crying out fucking loud, you know i love you.
and you pick up the phone to tell me your brother's in town and you're going. he needs to go to allentown, to pick up things. wants you to go for the ride.
"are you staying there tonight?"
"not as far as i know."
and i don't know anything these days. nothing at all.
so i get off work early tonight, so i can start the celebration. i had to go for a cigarette run- and as i walked across the track i see a train stopped in back of conrail. i stepped back in the middle and stood there for a second, staring in those 3 bright lights. thought for a second. i remembered last summer, when one of my good friends in philly, stabbed his girlfriend, and i don't just mean once, but so many times he almost bent a butcher knife in half. then he, stepped on the tracks, and waited for that train. and i wondered what the last thoughts were, that were running through his head. tough love. perhaps it's the classic case of 'if i can't have you, no one can" and then i wondered some more. about how love, how love, can get so out of hand. and never will those two be standing at the alter, smiling at one another, saying i do. they let the bad times override the good. funny how things go unnoticed. unfair, really.
i sat down at the bar then, had a few drinks. and then i really started to think, about how i didn't really know where you were going. didn't know if i believed you, didn't really care. tomorrow's my 22nd birthday- i figured i'd end up spending it alone. they say what you do one new year's day, is what you do for the rest of the year. i spent that alone, and new year's eve? i spent that sleeping. what's so great about a birthday?
I decided to come home. that's when i saw that christmas tree. put the key in the door, shut the porch light out. talked to my cousins for a little. ...said i was going to bed- that i was tired. started to walk up the stairs and i heard andy say "hey jenny, if i forget to tell you , later- "and then he paused. i thought he was going to say, "can you keept it down so i could sleep" or " can you be a little quieter at 3". and i said "yeah?" ---"happy birthday, if i forget to tell ya!"
it made me just stand there on the stairs and smile. i walked up the stairs. i knew you weren't coming home. and then i remembered your horoscope from yesterday. it said: "you're like water that rises or sinks to its own level. pick your company carefully."
Hmmm... it makes me think.
and on the phone today- there was just silence.
"my stomach hurts again, but what else is new"
"did you eat anything lately?"
"just a punch of pills"
"maybe you should try eating every now and again."
who needs food when they've got a head full of morphine and alcohol replacing their blood. -comfortably numb.
and maybe i'll go out west for a bit, get away from all of this. i'm sure it will follow me out there, but at least it will be a change of scenery. i'm sick of seeing the same thing- i'm sick of this routine.
and there's this mirror at work, all along the way- that i can't bare to look in anymore. i hate that frown looking back at me. and i hate looking at those eyes, and seeing nothing. they're so empty. maybe if i were skinner, prettier? looked like a model? .... but i guess if i had these things, you wouldn't like me for me, because i'd be someone else. but i just can't shake this idea though- that maybe, just maybe she's still has what you need.
And this morning I didn't want to get out of bed... still nothing to say but there was just a sense of something. maybe the reason i wanted to stay there was to figure out why, i felt completely nothing. no emotions creeping over me.
eventually i'll get to work. i'll hear the same songs like everyday. i'll see the same faces and pour the same drinks. i know these people so well, like the back of my hand- why don't i know myself anymore? and all i'll need is my beer, and my guitar... one step closer to figuring myself out.
another tuesday night, noone around to case the joint. left with my thoughts. people gone- left money on the bar, that i don't even want to pick up anymore. people just don't realize that i'm living off my tips, i'm living off a couple of bucks. i'll just continue to sit here with my pen and my paper, my cigarettes, my water.
-and this song... haven't heard it in a while. for crying out loud- yeah for crying out fucking loud, you know i love you.
and you pick up the phone to tell me your brother's in town and you're going. he needs to go to allentown, to pick up things. wants you to go for the ride.
"are you staying there tonight?"
"not as far as i know."
and i don't know anything these days. nothing at all.
so i get off work early tonight, so i can start the celebration. i had to go for a cigarette run- and as i walked across the track i see a train stopped in back of conrail. i stepped back in the middle and stood there for a second, staring in those 3 bright lights. thought for a second. i remembered last summer, when one of my good friends in philly, stabbed his girlfriend, and i don't just mean once, but so many times he almost bent a butcher knife in half. then he, stepped on the tracks, and waited for that train. and i wondered what the last thoughts were, that were running through his head. tough love. perhaps it's the classic case of 'if i can't have you, no one can" and then i wondered some more. about how love, how love, can get so out of hand. and never will those two be standing at the alter, smiling at one another, saying i do. they let the bad times override the good. funny how things go unnoticed. unfair, really.
i sat down at the bar then, had a few drinks. and then i really started to think, about how i didn't really know where you were going. didn't know if i believed you, didn't really care. tomorrow's my 22nd birthday- i figured i'd end up spending it alone. they say what you do one new year's day, is what you do for the rest of the year. i spent that alone, and new year's eve? i spent that sleeping. what's so great about a birthday?
I decided to come home. that's when i saw that christmas tree. put the key in the door, shut the porch light out. talked to my cousins for a little. ...said i was going to bed- that i was tired. started to walk up the stairs and i heard andy say "hey jenny, if i forget to tell you , later- "and then he paused. i thought he was going to say, "can you keept it down so i could sleep" or " can you be a little quieter at 3". and i said "yeah?" ---"happy birthday, if i forget to tell ya!"
it made me just stand there on the stairs and smile. i walked up the stairs. i knew you weren't coming home. and then i remembered your horoscope from yesterday. it said: "you're like water that rises or sinks to its own level. pick your company carefully."
Hmmm... it makes me think.
