Thanks for your kind words traj. How have you been lately man?
I thought having a kid would take priority over drug use and in many ways it did. I really turned my life around, for a while. But then something changed and I needed escape, and the alcohol flowed like a river haha But the selfishness of my addiction always became obvious when I was with her.. Now when I have no need to remain sober for myself I think back to how much alcoholism fucked me up and the effect it was having on my relationship with my daughter and dealing with/ignoring or avoiding my cravings is easier.
...
So I finally got to tripping out.
I was at my daughters moms for the weekend, as there was an animal show, with a sloth (my daughter loves those adorable little creatures), up that way that my daughter wanted to attend so I spent the weekend there. The plan was to trip for the show but given the fact that mushrooms are rather unpredictable I decided to wait. So I waited until the following day, when we were supposed to go to a maple syrup boil at a friends place.
Plan was to leave in a few hours so I figured Id settle into my trip and then wed head off.
So I brewed a tea ala lemon tek, but strained out the mushie bits - I usually just drink em with the tea, so this was in the name of science of course. 15 minutes later Im in a nice familiar space. But then time went on we were doing nothing and my mind began to wander to all the areas Ive been neglecting lately: the debt that Ive been avoiding, work - the email Ive been avoiding to send and the questionable work Ive been doing of late (which was quite an over exaggeration), the life I havent been living. My mind spun faster and faster and faster. Surrounded by negative thoughts and with little practice in meditation of late I was easily caught up in the cross fire.
"The dose are up, the lights swirl faster and the chap who freaks out has yet to pass the acidddddd testtttttt"
In the end I bailed on the maple syrup deal and just laid on the couch, watching tv, begging for it to end.
Well thats a bummer, eh? Yes and no. While normally I would look for meaning in the thoughts I had during the trip, and I can here too to a degree, but Im trying to look at the bigger picture... The fact that I was so easily bombard by these thoughts really shows just how far Ive let my meditative practice go. Escaping via tv also speaks volumes to my current habit of too much screen time. However for the first time in many of my most recent trips (over the past 3 years) I am happy to report that I no longer received the same message "QUIT DRINKING!!!!" with a side of mind movies of embarrassing drunken escapades.
So now its time to integrate the experience and the lessons before my next trip.
....
As far as work goes, this is the first month since I quit school where Im not stressing out to make rent. Hell I might even be able to start paying off some debt. I was hoping to get Friday off for the Easter long weekend but buddy booked this monday off to visit a friend, so thats not happening... ah well, we still get Easter monday off... And have a full weeks worth of work both this week and next. So I cant complain
Suppose thats it for now.
Hope everyone is well.
Much love
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