I'm just telling this straight from my heart, the way it is in my head... no editing or thinking of clever words. It's raw. It's the honest truth and nothing more.
I’ve found a new life, a new way of being happy that doesn’t involve you. And lately, I’ve been happier with him, and with all of my friends – new and old—than I ever was when I was with you. I think. I wonder if I’m lying to myself. I feel like I’m lying to myself. I am lying to myself.
Because when I’m alone it’s you that I think about, and the train of thought is constant. I’m overwhelmed with endless memories of you. The good, the bad… the ridiculous, it all seems worth it, when I’m alone.
When I’m alone I don’t think about the new life I’ve convinced myself I have. I don’t think about him, or my friends == new and old—I think about you. I miss you. I find myself clutching my pillow and wishing so hard that it were you and the time was three months ago. I dust off your picture and I stare at it and I realize how so many feelings for you linger deep within me. I think of what we had. I think of what we had. I think of what we had. The tears pour out of me.
I wonder when I can honestly say that I’m over you. Because I say it all the time, but apparently I don’t mean it. When I’m with my friends I think I mean it. When I’m with them, I hate you. I make fun of you. It’s easy to turn my pain into a joke. It hurts to face the reality that our time has passed and it’s over. There’s no fairy-tale ending. It will never start again.
And months after I ended this… us, I’m still not over it… you. I can’t move on. I feel like a made the biggest mistake of my life… I turned my back on my one true love. I know that sounds corny, but it’s the truth. You probably are really happy even without me, and you think I’m happy, too… but I’m just pretending to be. And I always think that maybe you’re unhappy, too, but you just love me so much you want me to be happy, so you keep your mouth shut. What a backward way of showing that we care.
I want to tell you all of these things I feel, but I know you wouldn’t listen. I blew my last chance with you. You have too much pride to try again, even if you really wanted to.
And now I have a new boyfriend, who is like a dream come true… he’s in the band I’ve worshipped since eighth grade, he’s older, he treats me almost too good, he loves me and really shows me that he does… and I feel like I love him. But then I have to go and compare what I think I’m feeling to what I used to feel with you, and I don’t fucking know. I never fucking know. I want this new thing to work out, but I don’t know how it will with thoughts of you floating around constantly. And it’s fucked up because he treats me better than you ever did, and he is more my type… he’s just plain perfect compared to you., but I still resort to crying over you when I’m alone. I realize I’m looking for our relationship in the new one I’m trying to start. I’m trying to cover our song, but it’s ending up to be Madonna’s version of American Pie.
Because this new relationship is different. I guess I need to realize this. I need to let myself love him. I don’t know how… I don’t know how… I don’t know how… Will I ever know?
Until I have some kind of epiphany, I’m stuck here, remembering good things about you. I’m stuck here making fun of you in front of my friends. I’m stuck here in this new relationship, waiting to love him. I don’t know what I need, but I know it has something to do with you. This is so frustrating.
I’m running in circles.
I’ve found a new life, a new way of being happy that doesn’t involve you. And lately, I’ve been happier with him, and with all of my friends – new and old—than I ever was when I was with you. I think. I wonder if I’m lying to myself. I feel like I’m lying to myself. I am lying to myself.
Because when I’m alone it’s you that I think about, and the train of thought is constant. I’m overwhelmed with endless memories of you. The good, the bad… the ridiculous, it all seems worth it, when I’m alone.
When I’m alone I don’t think about the new life I’ve convinced myself I have. I don’t think about him, or my friends == new and old—I think about you. I miss you. I find myself clutching my pillow and wishing so hard that it were you and the time was three months ago. I dust off your picture and I stare at it and I realize how so many feelings for you linger deep within me. I think of what we had. I think of what we had. I think of what we had. The tears pour out of me.
I wonder when I can honestly say that I’m over you. Because I say it all the time, but apparently I don’t mean it. When I’m with my friends I think I mean it. When I’m with them, I hate you. I make fun of you. It’s easy to turn my pain into a joke. It hurts to face the reality that our time has passed and it’s over. There’s no fairy-tale ending. It will never start again.
And months after I ended this… us, I’m still not over it… you. I can’t move on. I feel like a made the biggest mistake of my life… I turned my back on my one true love. I know that sounds corny, but it’s the truth. You probably are really happy even without me, and you think I’m happy, too… but I’m just pretending to be. And I always think that maybe you’re unhappy, too, but you just love me so much you want me to be happy, so you keep your mouth shut. What a backward way of showing that we care.
I want to tell you all of these things I feel, but I know you wouldn’t listen. I blew my last chance with you. You have too much pride to try again, even if you really wanted to.
And now I have a new boyfriend, who is like a dream come true… he’s in the band I’ve worshipped since eighth grade, he’s older, he treats me almost too good, he loves me and really shows me that he does… and I feel like I love him. But then I have to go and compare what I think I’m feeling to what I used to feel with you, and I don’t fucking know. I never fucking know. I want this new thing to work out, but I don’t know how it will with thoughts of you floating around constantly. And it’s fucked up because he treats me better than you ever did, and he is more my type… he’s just plain perfect compared to you., but I still resort to crying over you when I’m alone. I realize I’m looking for our relationship in the new one I’m trying to start. I’m trying to cover our song, but it’s ending up to be Madonna’s version of American Pie.
Because this new relationship is different. I guess I need to realize this. I need to let myself love him. I don’t know how… I don’t know how… I don’t know how… Will I ever know?
Until I have some kind of epiphany, I’m stuck here, remembering good things about you. I’m stuck here making fun of you in front of my friends. I’m stuck here in this new relationship, waiting to love him. I don’t know what I need, but I know it has something to do with you. This is so frustrating.
I’m running in circles.
