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BF Keeps Score of Everything He does For Me

M

munki

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 30, 2000
Messages
625
Location
wa
Been together with my man for about 19 months, living with him for about 10 months. I have been the good little housewife and have done all his laundry, cleaning, making breakfast and dinner most days, yard work, etc. all of which I was fine doing until lately I have been feeling aggravated. He has required basic training to do simple tasks like hang his towel up after showering, turn off the burners on the stove, etc. none of which he does properly, consistently. If I make comments about things he does wrong he gets all whiny and put upon and acts like I am a big meanie. He FINALLY did some laundry last weekend, but it sat for a week in the basket unfolded. I had to demand that he fold it today, and he actually did, but did whine a bit about how mean I was being.

I know this is all minor stuff and really isn't that big a deal, but he constantly keeps track of everything he does for me, whether it is the occasional dinner he makes, watching my son here and there, investigating how my job may or may not be breaking the law (sometimes I have to go 4 hours without a break), how he's been paying most of the mortgage, even though I have been paying for all of the other bills, and assorted other small things. This irritates me to no end. I don't keep track of everything I do for him, which is A LOT, but the way he behaves it makes it into a competition about who is doing more for the other. I do not think that is how a healthy relationship should be. There should be a natural give and take, without this score-keeping.

He also seems deeply insecure, which frustrates me even more. I don't know how to resolve this issue. Our sex life is pretty good, but there seems to be a lack of genuine kisses and hugs on a daily basis, which adds to more of a disconnect. He claims I only want to have sex with him when I am drunk, which is not true. Granted, I am not the most demonstrative person and can be downright ornery but I feel like I have a lot of my plate, with having to take care of a kid, go to school, and work. He complains how I don't seem happy, or smile enough, but he is not the most smiley person either. Usually when I come home, he will be working on his computer and will not even look up from his screen, yet if I do the same thing, he complains. Ugh.

He refuses to go to counseling, even though his sister is willing to pay for it. I want this relationship to last, but the score-keeping, insecurities and lack of regular affection seem to be eroding away the things which are good. Just seeking some suggestions on how to make things better.
 
Honestly I kinda have to agree with fakeplastictrees...obviously it's hard to really judge what's going on since we're only getting your version of the events, but he sounds like a total jerk.
I mean if you've had discussions with him about all this and explained how it makes you feel etc. and he hasn't changed anything, I guess you have to question whether or not it's really worth it...especially if he's not even open to counselling.
You haven't been together too long yet, it may be best to get out before it's ten years down the line and things really start to degenerate.

Is the kid both of yours?
 
Maybe he's just trying to solve a meaningful equation or in-equation by determining the magnitude of the terms on each side? But since you're doing different types of things, it also requires dimensional analysis to find dimensionless constants that can be used to describe the relationship between the dimensionful quantities with different dimensionality.
 
I've been there. It helps to have some clear agreements on what is whose responsibility. Talking about the chore in the moment is going to create all kinds of tension and no long term solution. Everybody's unhappy.

Sit down with him at a neutral time and have a sort of "meeting" about house chores and bills. It sounds like there is a lot of confusion in the relationship. Finances and chores...jumbled responsibility. Clarity, oh clarity. You can both share your wants and concerns, and come to common solution. Let's say you stick to your agreement. If he can't stick to his, don't worry about empathy and a 2nd or 3rd chance. You will see your future same as today, paved ahead of you.

So what he doesn't like about you, is also what he doesn't like about himself. You can't make him mentally healthy or self-improve. This is him. If you want to live your life with this man, stay and accept him as he is.

I also have a child and am looking for a partner. I will not settle for anyone sub-par. I am almost 30 and I refuse to waste my time with anyone who is anything less than ideal. Before long I won't be prime material and I won't have the opportunity to be so picky as today in my youth. So now is the time to not be complacent with someone "comfortable" (though not comfortable at all).

What are some dealbreakers for you. Be clear with yourself. Then, with him. If he doesn't measure up, treat yourself with the utmost respect you deserve and move on, move on.
 
munki said:
Been together with my man for about 19 months, living with him for about 10 months. I have been the good little housewife and have done all his laundry, cleaning, making breakfast and dinner most days, yard work, etc. all of which I was fine doing until lately I have been feeling aggravated. He has required basic training to do simple tasks like hang his towel up after showering, turn off the burners on the stove, etc. none of which he does properly, consistently. If I make comments about things he does wrong he gets all whiny and put upon and acts like I am a big meanie. He FINALLY did some laundry last weekend, but it sat for a week in the basket unfolded. I had to demand that he fold it today, and he actually did, but did whine a bit about how mean I was being.

I know this is all minor stuff and really isn't that big a deal, but he constantly keeps track of everything he does for me, whether it is the occasional dinner he makes, watching my son here and there, investigating how my job may or may not be breaking the law (sometimes I have to go 4 hours without a break), how he's been paying most of the mortgage, even though I have been paying for all of the other bills, and assorted other small things. This irritates me to no end. I don't keep track of everything I do for him, which is A LOT, but the way he behaves it makes it into a competition about who is doing more for the other. I do not think that is how a healthy relationship should be. There should be a natural give and take, without this score-keeping.

He also seems deeply insecure, which frustrates me even more. I don't know how to resolve this issue. Our sex life is pretty good, but there seems to be a lack of genuine kisses and hugs on a daily basis, which adds to more of a disconnect. He claims I only want to have sex with him when I am drunk, which is not true. Granted, I am not the most demonstrative person and can be downright ornery but I feel like I have a lot of my plate, with having to take care of a kid, go to school, and work. He complains how I don't seem happy, or smile enough, but he is not the most smiley person either. Usually when I come home, he will be working on his computer and will not even look up from his screen, yet if I do the same thing, he complains. Ugh.

He refuses to go to counseling, even though his sister is willing to pay for it. I want this relationship to last, but the score-keeping, insecurities and lack of regular affection seem to be eroding away the things which are good. Just seeking some suggestions on how to make things better.
Click to expand...

It seems like you are the one keeping score, not him. You obviously nag at length regarding what you feel (rightly or wrongly) to be an unfair split of domestic duties. He probably responds by pointing out his contributions. You then take that as him keeping score.

You admit you are not a very demonstative person, and you are under some life stress at the moment which is impacting your happiness and the intimacy of your relationship. Your partners reaction to an unhappy and distant girlfriend is to begin feeling insecure. How dare he frustrate you by feeling that way, you seem to ask.

You can see the issues forming in your relationship, so you insist he attend counciling. For some reason his sister has become involved in this most delicate and personal aspect of his life.

Sounds like he could do more to help around the house. But the fundamental problem may actually be the way you seem to be taking issues in your life and without realising your doing it, convincing yourself they are his fault.

My suggestion is to have some consults with a psychologist one on one and leave the councilling which you will do together, until later. You have nothing to lose and maybe it will help in ways you don't expect. See a GP, they can refer you and medicare will pay in full for 14 appointments with the proffesional you choose.
 
rangrz said:
Maybe he's just trying to solve a meaningful equation or in-equation by determining the magnitude of the terms on each side? But since you're doing different types of things, it also requires dimensional analysis to find dimensionless constants that can be used to describe the relationship between the dimensionful quantities with different dimensionality.
Click to expand...

that's an interesting analysis.

Intuitively, i say this as a psychic, spiritualist and shaman, that this guy is just a lazy ass hole who is manipulating you into doing shit for him. Since he is so passive aggressive about the whole chores thing, that is his way of telling you, he needs to be dominated. He's probably looking for a woman to replace his mother while maintaining a sexual relationship. this is some petty shit tbh and usually gets worked out after living together for more than just 10 months.
 
^

I was being somewhat facetious, but at the same time, not. I do sort of the same thing, but not in a way that I bring up or try to use with my S/O, purely as a mental exercise. (Further, my results always indicate I get at least an equal deal, if not a total net gain. :P )

Hmm, wanting your partner to lead/control/etc is not necessarily having her replace your mother tho. I like mine to do so, but cause a) I just like it b) I get sick of making decisions...my job puts me in a position of significant authority and supervisory tasks, and it get's tiring. c) It's a good balance to my sometimes stupid ideas.
 
^i was being somewhat facetious.

i like a balance, i'll do the things she doesn't like to do, she does things i don't like to do. This works fine for me, even if i'm hanging laundry once a week or whatever. As long as i'm not washing the laundry.
 
rangrz said:
Maybe he's just trying to solve a meaningful equation or in-equation by determining the magnitude of the terms on each side? But since you're doing different types of things, it also requires dimensional analysis to find dimensionless constants that can be used to describe the relationship between the dimensionful quantities with different dimensionality.
Click to expand...

Don't they call stuff like that social sciences?
 
You can't change people so decide if you love him enough to live with what you see as his negatives. Stop pick pick picking at him or he will stop loving and start hating.

required basic training? ffs...I would be gone already
 
I think counseling would be a good thing if you can convince him to go. I have been with my husband for a long time, and the only time I "keep score" it is regarding how much more free, fun time he has versus me. But it is always due to a deeper, underlying issue...like I am feeling neglected or something. We have learned to work it out. If he refuses help, you might have to consider your options. How old are both of you?
 
what the fuck is wrong with people these days? cant you just break with him without making a thread??

if I had a fit girlfriend I would do laundry with atitude that of berzerk warrior,whole house will shine like new faster than you say thunder.... all this without single moan,thats how love is for me
 
He is not my son's father, though my son sees his dad on a regular basis. BF babysits maybe once a week or so.

Just woke and have to do an all-day class field trip where BF has to babysit because kid is still young and would be a huge distraction, and the gas burner was left ON AGAIN! He left the burner on yesterday after he was done cooking but luckily I was in the kitchen so was able to turn it off. I yelled at him about the burner this morning and he whined that he was too concerned about cleaning up after himself, and basically deflected the responsibility onto me. This upsets me so much because it seems like he secretly wants to kill us all in our sleep!

Worst time was when the gas was on, but the flames were not! Waking up to a stinky gas filled house is scary!
 
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^DTMFA

there's a big difference between being a little bit sloppy and posing a mortal danger to yourself and others. even worse that he defends his behavior and blames everything on you. this guy is not competent enough to be living on his own, and he's not mature enough to see it and let someone help him learn. he may turn in to a responsible, considerate adult one day, but i don't think it's going to happen while he's in a relationship with you.

on the other hand, i know it's not always as simple as "just dump him and move on." so if you're really going to try and make this work, you two need to have a very serious, honest conversation about your expectations for each other. you have a lot of very valid complaints, but telling someone what you don't like about them can be a delicate thing. so be very clear about what you like about him as well as what you wish he would do differently, and be open and receptive to his feedback on you as well. it probably won't fix all your problems, but it might at least make the relationship a little more bearable while you consider what your other options might be.
 
DOB said:
what the fuck is wrong with people these days? cant you just break with him without making a thread??

if I had a fit girlfriend I would do laundry with atitude that of berzerk warrior,whole house will shine like new faster than you say thunder.... all this without single moan,thats how love is for me
Click to expand...

sound like a bitch tbph. in all reality, that kind of devotion is synonymous with being a clingy, needy person, most girls do not appreciate this at all.
 
RobotRipping said:
sound like a bitch tbph. in all reality, that kind of devotion is synonymous with being a clingy, needy person, most girls do not appreciate this at all.
Click to expand...

actualy I think if you dont feel that way you dont really love the person but thats just me,I am relatively different than most people
 
RobotRipping said:
sound like a bitch tbph. in all reality, that kind of devotion is synonymous with being a clingy, needy person, most girls do not appreciate this at all.
Click to expand...

Dunno. My fiance seems like that sort of devotion, hell, she always insists that I carry her bag/go get her a coffee/etc. I like doing it because I love her and want to help her whenever and however I can.

I'm also not sure what the hate on clingy is...like I REALLY like that she likes me enough to call me several times a day, sees me almost every day, etc. It's nice to be wanted/loved/desired. I do the same, and tbh, we both like it.
 
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