Between a rock and a hard place

[bipolair]

Hi Guys, I'll try to make this as coherent as possible and I'm not a native english speaker.
Let's start with saying that I have massive tolerance for GABA related drugs and am diagnosed with depression and social phobia

I've detoxed from several things including benzos previously but that all went relatively easy since they gave me the time for that. But since thursday I've checked myself in rehab again. The resemblance is more of that like a prison but anyway.
I needed to check myself because things escalated.

Let's start with the drugs I took

*I started in the beginning of December with 6grams phenibut hcl every other day. (dissolved in water, pfff you should see the state of the enamel on my teeth).
At the end of December I thought it would be wise to quit using pregabaline so I wouldn't really feel any withdrawl symptoms from the phenibut. Ofcourse, being an addict I couldn't control myself and used the lyrica in combination with the phenibut. 56 capsules of 150mg lyrica were gona within two weeks. I was now using about 6-8 grams of phenibut daily. I wanted to quit phenibut again using the lyrica, again, I ordered lyrica but now I could only get 300mg capsules of Lyrica. I was often using more then a gram of lyrica a days in combination with the phenibut (hope my kidney still works)

Cause of circumstances on which I will probably later elaborate I had to stop the the Lyrica and Phenibut immediately. Waited for two days but then ren to the liquer store and drunk myself in a stupor. In the meantime I ordered phenibut again and to relieve the withdrawal symptoms I felt I took massive dosages, for a few days I took around 15-20grams of lyrica. I still felt awful in my own skin and just couldnt tolerate all the feelings. I scored benzo's on the street. In about 1,5 week I took about 150mg lorazepam, 300mg zolpidem and 300mg midazolam.

You guys and galls still follow?
I then stopped my benzo's use and carried on with the Phenibut and Lyrica, I tried to taper. It worked quite well the first two weeks, I was down to 300mg lyrica a day and 4 gram Phenibut a day.
But then suddenly the benzo withdrawal kicked in. I completely forgot that I took such an ridiculous amount of benzodiapines, even while short lasting, that it must have taken a while for the blood plasma to drop to feel withdrawal symptoms. What followed was completely apathy, I was in a catonic state where I couldnt do anything, Depression, Insomnia (3 night in a row I didnt sleep, no I sleep about 3,4 hours a night.) anxiety, agoraphobia. No motivation to shower, clean the house, eat etc. Suicidal ideation heavily started coming. I was on my own an this stage since a week. I applied to a detox clinic with a waiting list for two weeks. I then went to a friends place to try to put some pieces together. My friend arranged some baclofen (just as phenibut works on gaba-b) for me and I took about 225mg daiy together with 300mg lyrica daily. This was barely enough to make me feel comfortable enough in my own skin so after staying a week at his place I decided to buy lorazepam again, 75mg gone by meself in 3 days. Finally I could sleep, feel comfortable in my own skin. When the Lorazepam was finished I bought Diazepam and this was took about 300mg in 3 days.
When I finally packed my stuff and when to the detox clinic, they refused to take me in cause they weren't capable enough of handing benzodiapine addiction. I now had to enlist for another detox clinic. Had to wait for an week to enlist. I had no more baclofen so took about 2 grams of lyrica a day to keep my nerves a bit calm. But about 3 days before I went to to the another clinic I gave in and took about 300mg of diazepam again. When I arrived at the clinic they told me they can only offer me a 10 day crisis detox. I arrived two days ago in the clinic.
There taper plan is a followed:
Saturday: 4x10mg diazepam
Sundag: 3x10mg diazepam
Mondag 4x5mg diazepam
Tuesday 2x5mg diazepam
Wednesday 2x2 diazepam
Thursday `1x2 diazepam

The pregabaline they will only prescribe the first two days 2x75mg then one day 75mg.

I feel guilty and ashamed and partially feel I deserve what is coming for me. But from what I've been reading about benzo withdrawals the last years is that a benzo taper is nothing to mess with and should be taken up slowly. I don't want to end up with PAWS

The real withdrawals haven't even started yet and I'm already jumping up against walls. By the time I finish my taper here I have to leave the building whilst the withdrawals will then just really start to kick in.

This clinic is overfull. If you try to make an appointment with a psychiatrist you'll be lucky if you see him the same day. In the weekend there is not doctor available on site and I just don't know what to do.
The medical professionals are not familiar with phenibut and lyrica addiction and have a hard time understanding why I'm already going nuts here. I also don;t think they fully estimate the dosage of benzodiapines I have been taking and are taking this far too lightly. Am I just freaking out or should I be alarmed?

Ow I should probably add that I take 30mg Mitrazipine and 150mgbupropion per day.

Sorry that this stil is an incoherent story

Peace and love

 

[ExInMil]

I don't want to end up with PAWS

No one does but be prepared for the long haul......

 

[Allein]

I feel guilty and ashamed and partially feel I deserve what is coming for me.

Hi bipolair,

Out if that whole post, that line stood out to me as being potentially most likely to cause you harm. I've withdrawn from Benzos, nicotine ans alcohol and struggled ( and continue to do so) with other drugs but self loathing and general poor self image is by far my worst enemy.

Every time I've succeeded in ceasing taking the substance of my addition/s it has been through my personal resolve to do so, the level of pain had little to do with it. I'm not suggesting that preparation, support and following the advice of professionals with such things as taper plans aren't important but belief in yourself and your resolve to make things better for yourself must be central to the process.

Clichéd as it sounds, you are where you are, you sound like you've made some very courageous steps so far, focus on the next ones and hold your head up high for being prepared to face the struggle %)

 

[T. Calderone]

You didn't say exactly how long you were taking the benzos for, but you took a huge amount in a short period of time. Your taper plan seems reasonable and you could try stretching it out for another week with lessor amounts. Honestly though, it would be best medically supervised. Left to your own devices trying to do this on your own is going to be hard.