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Best friends feeling awkward....

indicameds

indicameds

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 31, 2009
Messages
391
Location
east coast
So, ive been gone for a while now, locked up as some of you know. I just got out easter weekend. I have a beautiful family with a beautiful daughter and her mother is amazing. But this time when I got sent back to prison for a parole violation, she kinda split. She is open to us getting back together but we both know shit is different this time. Once your loved one has moved on its hard to look at em the same. Well a friend Ive had for over 14 years stopped by. And I wont lie Ive had sexual thought about her since ive met her. But never made and advance on it for fear of loosing the friendship and because I was with my childs mother. I hadnt seen her since getting locked up and when she got here there was some evidnet tensions. I didnt act on it though. But when she was leaving she hugged me for like 10 minutes and kept kissing my neck. The tension got so bad that I had to pull away or I know it would have gotten to the point of no return. I feel deeply for this person and could actually see myself spending the rest of my life with her. My question is. Do you guys think I should toss that to the side and focus on the past relationship of my childs mom or dive in for something new with my best friend? I dont know what to do, and maybe asking you guys isnt gonna change that. But I know you all will be honest with me and tell me like it is. so what do you all think?
 
There's absolutely no way anyone here could tell you which is the "better" path to take. You have to weigh your feelings along with the potential consequences related to you and all parties involved(your friend, your baby momma, your child) and decide what you feel is the best decision.

There's just way too many factors involved for there to be one clear "right" or "moral" path.
 
nothing we can do here, weigh your pros and cons and play it day by day. hows has your relationship been in the past with your childs mother?
 
Thanks GM, yours a completely different person in here than in the lounge.(dont worry, I wont tell anyone) And as far as my relationship with her in the past. Its been caotic and alot of it has been on here at one time or another. Its mostly because of me going in and out of prison. She is the worlds best mother and an amazing person. I love her to death. Im just not sure if we can work. As much as id like it too. I dont think it can. But with my best friend I can honestly see shit working out. She gets me and accepts me and the shit Ive done. It sounds weird but she is kinda like my daughter, she doesnt see any wrong in her eyes when it comes to me. And I love that about her. I dont know, Im confused as hell. Thanks though guys for the help and input.
 
Could you be risking your friendship by pursuing your best friend romantically? Would the risk be worth it?

How do you and your baby momma feel about getting back together? Would you only be doing it for the kid? How much, if at all, would your child benefit from you two getting back together as opposed to her meeting someone else?

Do you value your happiness more than the mother's or your child's or vice versa? Could you live with leaving them even if it hurt them? Would it even hurt them? Would you still have contact with them if you started seeing your best friend?

These are the types of questions you need to ask yourself. It sounds to me like your feelings are pointing you toward the best friend. Now all you need to do is weigh any negative consequences of that possible relationship with how strongly you want to pursue it.
 
So, she left when you went in to do whatever it is she wanted, and now that you're out, she wants you back? That's not how shit works. I'm guessing by your join date you werent in there for long. She couldn't wait for you a year or two? And what about next time, if there is one? She'll just go about her business, do what and date whoever she wants, and then expect everything to be all lovey-dovey when you get out?
You can't rely on her. She wont be there when you need her.
She can't rely on you, to not go back in.
If she truly loved you, she wouldve tried to wait, at least.
(I'm not blowing smoke up anyone's ass, I know it isn't 'easy', my husband is in prison as we speak)
Call it a wash, but be there for your daughter. Why not give it a go with your friend, if your feelings are strong enough to wager against 14 years of friendship? Take a risk, but only if it's worth the reward.
 
Hey trooper, thanks for the input. Its a little more complicated than that, she doesnt just want things back now that Im out. Were seperate right now, but ive expressed the desire to have my family back together and she said she was open to the idea if I could get my shit together. Ive been trying to kill this same prison number for some time now. She has been around since Ive gotten the time. So she did ride quite abit out with me. She rode 12months here 21months there and countless other times. All on the same number. This time I was on the run for awhile and was living with her until I got caught and had to go back and do some more PV time. The PV board only gave me a year flop and then let me out this time. But Im geussing that this last year was just too many times for her. Were getting older and she is starting to want the shit she deserves in life. The house, cars retirement and to raise my daughter right. So I cant blame her at all. If I was being the man and father I should of been I would of been there. But the fact is I wasnt, and I fear we have really grown apart this time. The up side to it is that she is such a great mother and a great person. Those are the main reasons I dont know If I should persue something with this friend. Out of fear of ruining anything my childs mom and I may have in the future. I dont know shits crazy right now, getting thrown back out into the real world once again and starting over.

And Web your right, Im being selfish and worrying about shit that means nothing when it comes to the importance of my daughter. I need to worry about her first and foremost. And once I do that the rest will probably fall into place. And if it doesnt then so be it. Atleast my daughter is happy and im being a great father.
 
so i dont want to sound like a dick but maybe you should work on staying out of jail, bare with me. you and your baby's momma have had issues with you going jail. i imagine its because she gets physically lonely when your in the clink and finds it hard to stay faithful. this is a problem you will encounter anytime your in a committed relationship and get sent to jail. its fucked up but i think thats kind of the point of prison.

in terms of which one you should pick i can't help you with that. but dont do the whole stay together for the kids thing, that will leave no one satisfied. its something YOU need to find out best of luck homie.
 
I'm just gonna speak from personal experience.

Having grown up with a mom and a dad who started off as a loving couple and degenerated into barely seeing each other at all. I'd say your daughter would be better off with you being with someone you love and by that I mean romantically.

My mom and dad were both great parents don't get me wrong. But towards the end of their relationship, they just were rarely in the same room with each other. And when they were although they still respected each other, and talked with each other with that sense of familiarity. I could tell that there wasn't any love between them. At least not romantic love. I think (although they won't admit it) that they stuck together just for me and my little brothers sake. They are still married, but rarely if ever see each other.

To be honest although I am grateful for them deciding to stick together for us, I wish that they would have separated amiably and found new loves for themselves. I know that parents have to put their children first in all things, and sometimes that means sacrificing their own happiness for the sake of their kid(s).

But sometimes the parents happiness affects the child's happiness directly. For example I wish in my late teens that I could have seen my mom and dad happy instead of seeing them like they were. I won't go into details but suffice it to say they weren't happy and that affected me and my little brother in subtle but significant ways.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if staying with your babies momma is going to doom you and her into an unhappy relationship for the rest of your lives, perhaps you should think about being happy for your daughters sake.

But in the end it is your decision. I just wanted to add my two cents. If you AND your daughter can be reasonably happy regardless of what decision you make then damn I dunno what to say lol.

Good luck. :)
 
I'll give you my two cents, since you've asked. First off, the new lady (your friend) is an exciting option right now and although you said she doesn't see your faults blah blah, she will eventually. Trust me on that! That newness and rose-colored glasses bit always wears off and you'll be right where you were with another woman, hopefully not with another child. Do you mind mentioning why you're getting locked up? Someone else mentioned that you should do everything you can to stay out of prison, and I have to agree. You probably know as well as I do that marriages rarely survive someone being locked for over a year or so. My marriage had other problems but it didn't survive a 16-month bit, so I don't really have much hope for your first marriage.

If I were you, I'd work on being a better person and not necessarily jumping into another relationship. It just might not be the time. I think you need to settle into a nice routine and live alone for awhile and just basically get your shit together. Then after a bit of time, you'll bring a much healthier "you" to the table for another relationship try. Good Luck and I hope you're able to make the most of a tough situation.
 
OG- your exactly right, this situation would be tons easier if I would just stay out. If I would have never got caught in the system I know shit would be way different right now. But I didnt and here I sit. But I do agree with you, I need to work on stayin out. But Im confident in that this time around. I have no desire to do anything that may send me back.

Freddy- Thanks for your input. It is appreciated. I hear what your saying man, I grew up in a single parent house hold with my mother wanting nothing more than for my father to just come home and stop the bullshit. But It wasnt what he wanted, it resulted in him passing at the early age of 40 but a very happy man. And my mother continued to feel guilty and alone. And It did for sure weigh hard on me and my brother. If she would of just been happy it wouldnt of mattered to us if it was with my dad or another guy. Just as long as it made her happy. But thats the thing, is that my childs mother has been in my life since I was 11 years old and I would much rather hang out with her than anyone else in the world. We are happy together. I dont know how to explain it, but for some reason shit does feel different this time. i just dont know If Its able to be fixed. But I do know that if I even attempt to persue something with my friend than there will be no fixing it as it one of her friends also. But I think I keep coming back to the same thing, none of this matters really until I make sure Im doing what will make my daughter happy, and I know your talking about not doing things just for the kids. But Im starting to think that if my daughter is happy than its gonna be hard for me not to be.

BeachBum- I know exactly what your saying about the rose colored glasses. It happens everytime I get out. I always see shit in a different light and everything seems so much better, wether its a new job or a female or car. And then once Im out a little bit and reality sets back in the shit isnt any better than what I had if not worse. And it doesnt just go for upon a getting out. I think that goes for anything and any time in life some new options pop up. Just the excitement of something new and different. I dont mind talking about my charges and shit, Ive been sentenced since 05 on this time so theres nothing I can say to make shit worse, Ive done plead out to it. I wont go into major details but here is the story in a nutshell. I got a real good personal friend that can get his hands on some sched 2. narcotics in bulk and for cheap. So right out of highschool instead of making the drive everyweek we were just mailing em. Well the money I was making caused me to party way to much and being an idiot I had some one in the car with me one moring after partying all night. And stopped at the post office to pick a pack up. Later on I got into it with this person, a tip got called in and they waited for me at the post office the following week. Got me with 3200 oxy 80s and a few other things. It went federal, got it dropped and the state im in is a commenwealth. So they pick everything up, once the feds droped it the state picked it up and just charged me with state charges. I got 3 traff and 2 poss charges and ended up with a total of 16 years with two of the 5s ran together to make a total of 11 years in trying to kill. so 7 years later and Im still trying to kill it.

And as far as the working on myself to just be a better person. Im doing it this time, I caught this sentence at a very young age. And it just now feels like Im getting the chance to really grow up. And thats what Im trying to do this time out. Im determined to get my life going and do something with it this time, thanks for all the help and support and advice everyone.
 
I don't think you should be i n a relationship at all right now. You need to work on getting yourself into a position where you can be a stable and available parent for your child. Any time spent in jail was time spent away from her. You're needlessly worrying about getting in a relationship when you should be getting things together to provide a stable home for your daughter (as I assume you will share custody in some capacity).

There is are a lot of complicated factors involved in this situation. Take care of the most important issues first, and that's getting on your feet and doing whatever you have to in order to keep yourself out of jail. Your daughter also needs to adjust to having her dad back again, bringing a new woman around could complicate things for her.
 
Your exactly right Purplefirefly. On all the points you made, they were all right, I dont need to focus on a reltionship right now at all. And I do need to work on myself and getting my self stable and in a better position in life. Its just hard going from no female contact and intamacy back into the world were its all around. Ive been lonely for so long now Im almost desperate to find some one to start the life I want with. I geuss I need to slow down and focus on the important shit right now and quit getting ahead of myself. Thanks for the advice.
 
Being or feeling alone is a very unsettling and even scary feeling. One thing that can help is surrounding yourself with friends and family and immersing yourself in activities. The busier you are the less time you have to think about and dwell on the negative aspects of your life.

I am a firm believer in that whatever is meant to be will be and that things happen for a reason, even when the reason isn't obvious at the time. You will find your way, just gotta take it one day at a time.
 
Yo bro I wasn't calling you selfish.

Speaking from personal experience... I thought my kid would be better off without having to grow up with parents that didn't get along, fought all the time and had a bunch of drama. I thought I could be a better dad if she grew up happy, even if her parents were apart. Problem is, kids grow up and cease to be an extension of their parents... They actually become real people. Real people have needs. Kids have a desire to have both parents around, and it fucks with their heads wether they realize it or not. Then there is the issue of distance. I don't know where you and your ex are gonna be living, but when I split up with my old lady we were in my home state of Texas. She took the kid and went back to HER home in Virginia. So if I wanted to see my kid it was up to me to leave MY home and live in/near Va. This did not turn out to be as simple as I once thought it would be. My career at the time took me all over the states and I was never in one place too long, much less in Va for the kid... So she basically grew up with a phone call for a dad. I got to see her now and then, when I could visit or fly her out to wherever the hell I might be at the time. As she grew into a teen with raging hormones, she needed her dad more and more each day. I had to sacrifice A LOT to make a permanent change in my life to stay in Virginia the last few years to be there for her, but the damage was already done. Now my baby is gonna be 18 this summer and is gonna be an adult. She has turned out all right, but has some pretty severe emotional problems (some genetic, some circumstantial). All I can ever think about is it might have turned out better if I hadn't been such a selfish fuck way back when and had been there for my kid, all the time. Of course I was really hard on myself and never really thought about how much my ex had to do with this... I once tried my best to convince her to put it back together and she would have NONE OF IT. Took me a looooong time to realize this and get over it.

If I were in your position I would try to have some serious conversations with my ex and get a better idea on just how much of a chance the two of you have. If she can't get over HER issues, then the ball is out of your court. If she leaves it up to you to change your life and prove a lot of things to her before its gonna happen, it's all up to you. Will you put in the work? Hell, will she even give you the chance? Could you trust her if she says yes?

Remember, it's not all on you. The ex has to be down, has to truly forgive you and be ready to put in some work as well. If she's not willing to take the chance, then you gotta make your own life without her, yet WITH her, so you can be the best father she'll allow you to be.
 
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