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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards | negrogesic

Benzodiazepines: Me, Them, and the future of my life, what is the next step?

H

Hutch1

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 11, 2014
Messages
36
DISCLAIMER READ BEFORE READING BELOW: I want responses from people who are interested in my story and can offer advice to me, as I am so torn at this point.

My name is hutch. I am a college sophomore aged 19 and until oct 2013 I did not know what a benzodiazepine drug was. I was offered my first xanax bar (2mg) from a friend. Upon googling, I discovered how addictive and dangerous they are. That night, I took 1mg (half of that bar) and felt nothing. The next day I took a full one and discovered what benzodiazepines were. For the next 3 months I was consistently on and off of xanax as long as my supplier could supply, and I became the go to guy at my school for bars. I was selling hundreds. No idea how much I was taking. No idea how many I was selling. I took them, forgot about it, and took more.

I was arrested for trafficking opiates (different unrelated story) in may 2014 before high school graduation. I continued to take xanax whenever I could (scarcely at this point just for fun). Come october 2014, I was off to college for my freshman year and discovered an on campus psychiatrist who I lied to to obtain 3 months worth of klonopin, of which I have no idea how many I took and how may I sold. I was cut off after 3 months from the doc.

The december of 2014 I was living with the friend who originally offered me a xanax bar who was now interested in etizolam, of which I purchased many pills for personal use during that month I was living with him.

That december, on the 23rd, I experienced something I had never felt before upon taking a .2g dab of wax. My world dissolved around me, replaced with demons in my head who told me xanax is the devil and I am killing myself. I was tripping. Hard. Was this my first panic attack? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that whenever I smoke weed the thoughts re-enter my head...

From this point on I have had anxiety about xanax ruining my life.

THIS POST IS TO BE CONTINUED AS I CURRENTLY ON XANAX AND EXTREMELY TIRED AND CANNOT FINISH. REPLY IF YOU CAN AT THIS POINT.
 
What's the question?
So, I think it's quite obvious that you need to stop ASAP. You need to taper or you could risk your life. It wont be fun but you need to do this. Why do you take so much xanax? Anxiety problems? To get "high"? I never found alprazolam to be that fun by itself tbh.
 
Why you take it is a good question, as the above post suggests. But, I would keep track for a few days or so, maybe a week, of how much you take and when you take it (e.g. 4 mg at 7:10 AM - 10/13). Would it be a pain in the ass? Maybe - it depends on your personality, but even if it is a pain in the ass, I would keep a journal, or maybe just a small piece of paper to write down a dosing that you would later put into a journal of sorts. But, an idea that would make this even better would be to incorporate the why into the journal. Did you take it to: feel normal, get rid of stress, kill an anxiety attack, relax more, forget about the world around me, keep from getting sick from benzodiazepine withdrawal, etc. The list goes on forever. Luckily, you have some conscious awareness of your situation and at least part of you wants to get better.

Believe me, I know benzodiazepines - I have been on them since 2010 or 2011 (with maybe two couple-week breaks in the beginning). And, I have been on a ton of other shit, too. The point is I know whereby I speak. So, I would really encourage a journal! It would help more than you know. But, I am sure you have an idea of how much you take on a day you don't take as much as well as an idea of how much you take when you can dose as you please. And, which benzos are your 'usual'? Is it alprazolam mostly, clonazepam mostly, etizolam even, lorazepam, diazepam, temazepam? If it is a mix, about how much of each on a given day - how low can you go before you get anxious and upset and jittery? Have you been on your current regimen for a couple months, couple weeks? Do you even have a regimen? Knowing this, I can add more - much more.
 
Is it wrong to admit that I laughed a little at the OP, especially the last line? The whole thing was about how Xanax "is the devil" and then at the bottom "This post has been brought to by Xanax, a proud sponsor" =D
 
We are all human - we ought to laugh more at the shit going on in our lives, good or bad. Humor is so necessary in tough situations - I have laughed at things because it was more fun to laugh than do nothing or cry.
 
Burnt Offerings said:
This post has been brought to by Xanax, a proud sponsor
Click to expand...
xD

No, really, you need to stop, but not cold turkey. This is obsolete practice in my eyes.. these panic attacks are real and BZDs can induce such things in people who never experienced anything alike before. I don't really get it why BZDs are abused, but they are being called addictive for a robust reason.
 
Alprazolam is definitely one of the worst benzos to have a physical addiction too.... If you can get hold of diazepam, it will do wonders for tapering off.
 
Alprazolam is a dopamine agonist, while most other BZDs do rather decrease dopaminergic neurotransmission. Maybe this explains why it is so addictive.
 
Hutch1 said:
DISCLAIMER READ BEFORE READING BELOW: I want responses from people who are interested in my story and can offer advice to me, as I am so torn at this point.

My name is hutch. I am a college sophomore aged 19 and until oct 2013 I did not know what a benzodiazepine drug was. I was offered my first xanax bar (2mg) from a friend. Upon googling, I discovered how addictive and dangerous they are. That night, I took 1mg (half of that bar) and felt nothing. The next day I took a full one and discovered what benzodiazepines were. For the next 3 months I was consistently on and off of xanax as long as my supplier could supply, and I became the go to guy at my school for bars. I was selling hundreds. No idea how much I was taking. No idea how many I was selling. I took them, forgot about it, and took more.

I was arrested for trafficking opiates (different unrelated story) in may 2014 before high school graduation. I continued to take xanax whenever I could (scarcely at this point just for fun). Come october 2014, I was off to college for my freshman year and discovered an on campus psychiatrist who I lied to to obtain 3 months worth of klonopin, of which I have no idea how many I took and how may I sold. I was cut off after 3 months from the doc.

The december of 2014 I was living with the friend who originally offered me a xanax bar who was now interested in etizolam, of which I purchased many pills for personal use during that month I was living with him.

That december, on the 23rd, I experienced something I had never felt before upon taking a .2g dab of wax. My world dissolved around me, replaced with demons in my head who told me xanax is the devil and I am killing myself. I was tripping. Hard. Was this my first panic attack? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that whenever I smoke weed the thoughts re-enter my head...

From this point on I have had anxiety about xanax ruining my life.

THIS POST IS TO BE CONTINUED AS I CURRENTLY ON XANAX AND EXTREMELY TIRED AND CANNOT FINISH. REPLY IF YOU CAN AT THIS POINT.
Click to expand...
In my experience, Xanax is the devil and it is killing you.
 
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