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Benzo (Xanax) Full Recovery Help

G

GetMeBackToNormal

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 12, 2015
Messages
53
Hey, starting freshmen year of college, I was introduced to Xanax. We would rail lines, swallow, drink alcohol, smoke weed, pop E, all the stupid naive things college students do nowadays. Now, four years later, me being a Senior, I understand that I have been negatively affected by these drugs. I have cloudy thoughts, it's hard to communicate (sometimes I only notice emotion and can't actually naturally process the sentences), I get the typical brain zaps, which aren't so bad, I'm kind of emotionless but I've always been like that, but definitely more emotionless, and when I push myself, I feel as if my left eye moves on its own and tingles. It's hard to give full attention to two things at once, my sub-attention has been lowered, and I feel as if my soul has tapered down, to the point where I'm more animalish and "badder". It's extremely hard to follow a philosophy lecture, although with Political Science and any other intense course, my brain goes on fire and I feel nearly normal again. So, basically, what do I need to do to get to a full recovery? It's been 6 months since last using Xanax (3 days of straight Xanax use on my birthday, started feeling an addiction coming on, two days of wanting the drug but never gave in, and now I'm in recovery stage where you notice the negative effects
[listed before], but I still smoke weed, which I'm nearly quitting. I definitely reset everytime I smoke weed, but that's a separate problem on it's own. What would I need to do to become perfectly, 100% functioning again?
 
Hi, welcome to Bluelight! You mentioned that you were using E and other things. Were you taking it heavily also what was your average Xanax usage? You could try getting some exercise if you don't already. Incorporate more fresh vegetables into your diet and drink plenty of water. Multivitamins might help too and avoid soda and sugary food. Do you think marijuana is helping or hindering your recovery?
 
Eh, I would say probably 1 -2 bars per session, with each session being every other month or so. With Ecstasy, I did a bit 4 years ago, probably 3-4 per session, once every couple of months, with the occassional 3 day usages which were rare. My drug use were solely for fun and very limited, but when I did do drugs, I always went hard haha. I forgot to mention cocaine and adderall, little use of those but with Adderall, I did pop up to 70 mg one night Freshmen year, but even then, I never had negative effects until bar usage stacked up around 2 years ago [never had continuous usage, always spur of the moment]. I do believe weed hinders my recovery, as it tends to set me back to default high stage. My doctor assigned me to a specialist which will be starting two weeks from now [I denied the adderall prescription] so the specialist will definitely help. Fruits, vegatables, exercise, water, no more drugs, psychotherapy, multivitamins, avoiding soda and sugary foods, meditation, intense lectures as well as slower lectures, would these all lead me to being 100% in the next few months?
Thanks mate, we were taught not to do drugs, but never were we truly aware of the bothersome life we would have post-usage.
 
I want to teach or be a lawyer, but if I were to go down the path of being a teacher as well as being a father, I need to be sure of being 100% so that not only could I give the best to my students and children but also to teach them the self-control that they will need in this new life of every school being heavily afflicted with drugs.
 
It seems highly unlikely that the drug use you describe could have caused permanent cognitive impairment, although it would take a comparison of tests carried out before and after the use to draw any real conclusions.

To give you a little reassurance I spent 9 years taking amphetamines and MDMA almost everyother weekend and smoking hash daily for 15 years. A few years ago I stupidly got in way over my head with Diazepam obtained illicitly and was using daily in obscene amounts, I went through 3 long tapers before finally getting free of them but the whole mess lasted about 3 years and I went through a period of alcoholism during that time just to round it all off:\

Whilst on Benzos I was definitely cognitively impaired but if any of that has been permanent I'm not aware of it, I do a challenging technical job and can't identify any problems there or with anything else I do, for example my weird ability to quickly remember 16 digit complex passwords is still the same.

I believe you made a wise choice in not using Adderal, in the UK it's not prescribed and they wouldnt prescribe a stimulant of any sort for such a problem. You may find reading some of Heather Ashton's work useful and informative a list is here

I'm not a doctor and you won't get a genuine diagnosis here but I personally think it is extremely unlikely that you have created a permanent issue here. Smoking weed in this situation doesn't seem like it's going to help but that is something you will need to decide. Anxiety and stress can have a huge impact on your ability to function, they can bring you to a total standstill, barely unable to function at all at their worst.

I would look to improving your general well being at this stage, some exercise daily, I'm not a big gym / work out kinda guy but walking in the fresh air ensuring you don't just stare at the ground for 1/2 - 1 hr a day is both simple to do and I think you would be surprised at how beneficial it is. Eat well and try not to isolate yourself, you may feel you don't want social interactions but you do and they will raise you're spirits.

You'll recover from all this in time and probably not realise until sometime after it has occurred, stop attempting to objectively asses yourself, you're clearly intelligent and articulate so I'm sure you can see how futile that is. From your post I'd say your cognition is probably higher then most so it looks like you got a headstart.

Keep pushing forward, you've already made so much progress <3
 
I would certainly add in regular aerobic exercise into your recovery. It helps produce and balance important neurotransmitters, causes neuro regeneration and the creation of new neuro pathways.

Your brain is also like a muscle in that it needs to be worked out. I would look into and take up something like luminosity and something that involves complex movement like tennis or dancing in conjunction with the exercise.

PAWS LINKS
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)
Post Acute Withdrawal (PAW) Excerpted From “Staying Sober” By: Terence T. Gorski
Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome Wiki

Exercise and Brain Neurotransmission
Neurobiology of Exercise
Aerobic Exercise
Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. The Endorphin Factory
Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. I worked all that out
exercise and sleep

Chemicals and supplements to recover from opiate addiction
Diet & Neurogenesis
 
Thanks guys, this is of much help and is definitely a main source to come to. I've been looking more into Benzo withdrawal and I am definitely experiencing the systems. Muscle twitch, nightmares, short-term memory loss atm, and a bunch of others. Hell, I believe I may have had a mini-siezure last summer when I stood up too quickly in my phase of doing jack shit except class and lay in my bed and smoke weed. I just wanted to know, now that I know how to get better, if I will get better and usually how long. I didn't quit cold turkey but I'm sure I took at least 3 bars the last time in October, had the withdrawal or addiction phase for three days, then thought I was back to normal up to January, with now being me knowing and asking for help. So if and how long it would take, at least an estimation, would be just great, based on the info I gave.
 
How often do you smoke pot.. I had a lot of problems when I went through my MDMA phase and then continued to smoke for years after that.. I would definitly cut out the pot... My friend had a sezuire a month after he took X and decided to smoke and he complained of vivid nightmares after that.. I also had vivid nightmares, muscle twitches, short term memory loss, along with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and sociol anxiety.... It slowly ceased when when I decided to stop smoking pot...
 
I smoke daily...definitely on the verge of quitting, will be a sad moment, but I'm glad alot of problems will go away. Your short term memory loss completely went away once you stopped smoking weed? I'm fine with there being a duration but it sucks typing in the moment and never being able to type in a picture of an idea. I know depression, laziness, bad habits, non-social lifestyle, all these things demote your short-term memory, so I'm hoping I'll be 110% in the next few months after quitting weed...gaining back my short term memory is definitely the main factor I want. Hate being below normal people...I should be the intelligent one and now I'm past the normal stage, I'm below normal -_-
 
These past two weeks, I've had nightmares, constant nightmares of constant problems. For example, was in an apartment with some coo-coos, got outside to find my parked my car, couldn't find it, used the unlock lock button to locate the light of my car, the car opening and locking ended up being a mini-coupe rather than my mustang, I was told by some random old guy standing there [creepy right, every detail is damn creepy]. says that is my car, they just remodeled it I get in the mini-coupe, end up going straight, find out the path in front is closed off so now I need to back out. I back out and the two coo-coos are there. Somehow, I end up getting my old stang back, drive off, come to another cut off, this guy behind me possibly dings my car and that's all I remember. This wasn't even a nightmare, this was just a problem dream. Other days, I'm running from something, I've saving someone from something bad, anything that can go wrong in my dreams do go wrong. My short-term memory is still horrible [without looking back up the text, I can't remember a thing that I typed, and when I do, I feel either brain-damage pain from being hit or brain fire whenever I get a realization]. People I've known since college started say I look so much better, but I want my memory back.
 
I'm absolutely scared. Short-term memory is coming back as slowly as possible, I can put together two words, but immediately after I'll forget the two words and be onto the next two words. I feel as I'm in a permanent stage of Xanax. I took 3 bars of Xanax last October in one NIGHT, and two bars spread out the week before that. Life's been shit ever since. I'm just scared and I want to be normal again...what can I do...
 
^^ In all honesty it seems your focus on this relatively modest use of Xanax is becoming somewhat of a focus for your fears.

You couldn't objectively assess yourself prior to using any of these drugs and you really can't now either, I sense the worry of it all is becoming the problem itself.

Never under estimate the acute effects of anxiety or how much time it may take to move forward from your current situation, don't focus on trying to get back to a place in the past, it sounds like that place has become some kind of constructed nirvana that I doubt ever existed.....I think most people do this to one extent or another at some stages.

Your posts seem well constructed and coherent, the dreaming is likely a result of you stopping smoking weed, I had similar problems after a 15 year hash habit, they will pass in time.

Keep working on all those positive things, get some exercise and fresh air, don't dwell on the detail or the past....and promise me one thing...never...never be normal ;)
 
I've tried just about every benzodiazpeine at some time in my life. The best is clonazepam. It's very very strong and it doesn't screw your head up. I've heard its the only benzo that has actually been indicated for long term anxiety. Second strongest I found to be bromazepam. Lorazepam is like bromazepam but without the sedative effect and at least as hard t withdraw from..Valium makes you agitated and anxious and its not so strong.Nitrazepam is strong but it makes you hungry. Oxazepam is considered weak but I quite like it. Librium is very very weak and xanax is strong but utter hell to withdraw from. Stay away. The z drugs (zopiclone and zolpidem) are not quite as difficult to withdraw from. Zopiclone tastes terrible and you can;t get rid of the taste becsuse its secreted in your saliva. Zolpidem is strong for a while I guess. Versed (midazolam) is a bit of a disappointment compared with my expectations. Don't even think of going anywhere near triazolam. The half life is so short and potency strong that you suffer withdrawal inbetween individual doses! They say nimetzazepam which is available in some south east countries is very strong but I've never had. If you have to go long term, go for klonopin (clonazepam). t will be hard to withdraw from because its very very high potency so you'll prob. have to do a valium conversion but its strong, sensible (ie. doesn't screw your head up) and keeps working longer than the others.Oh.. and a word about temazepam. I know it's very highly abused. Don't know why. It's not so strong. Take more than two and you can get a headache (and it's toxic!)Doesn't do much for muscle relaxant
 
My memory is shit, when I remember myself as the person before, I was extremely intelligent and cheerful. I was so absorbed into the world, but I always remembered what was going on had I needed to. Now, I'm a shell, a slave in a way. I can't put together ideas, which is tough when you're studying a subject such as political science in which everything needs to be connected and it's not just one story. I'm sure anxiety is playing a part in this, and is also holding me back. Maybe if I were to relax, things would get better? That's possible, and I hope anxiety is playing a part of this weakened life I am now living. As for Xanax, i don't see it as a withdrawal, I see Xanax as you losing that constant motor in yourself, thus, you feel numbness, you can't think and put together coherent thoughts, you're laxy, etc. Xanax simply puts you at the lowest stage possible, and getting out of it is a matter of withdrawal, but a withdrawal of having to unravel the negatives and slowly implementing the tiniest addition which you now lack, until you are finally back to normal. Ask me what I typed, I won't remember. If I read what I typed, it's my words, but ask me again what I've typed, and I still won't remember. 6 months of post drugs, and I'm only at this stage. I feel sad that my mom's baby is different, that the man I was isn't the man I am today, although the man I am today is still a part of the man I was.
 
Allein said:
You couldn't objectively assess yourself prior to using any of these drugs and you really can't now either, I sense the worry of it all is becoming the problem itself.
Click to expand...

^I think you should focus on this idea. It sounds like you've romanticized this 'ideal self' that you remember existing prior to your use of xanax. The amount of xanax that you took is not likely to have caused permanent damage. It's far more likely that your preoccupation with returning to 'baseline' is preventing you from moving forward ('baseline' being this serene harmony you recall in your idealized memory). In other words, in our plastic memory, we invent an 'untainted' version of ourselves that has been damaged by our traumas (pain, drug use, etc.), we believe that "if we can only resolve the damage cause by trauma, we can reclaim this 'untainted' self" ("Get Me Back To Normal!" ;)). The frustration caused by the impossibility of this fantasy can be stressful.

That said, I think I can relate to what you describe as memory loss. I've been trying to resume my studies after a long period of very heavy drug use and my mind still hasn't 'woken up'. When I attempt to read, I often lose focus mid-sentence and have to re-read the sentence. If the sentence is long, or complex in any way, sometimes it takes me a minute or two to process (I have to repeat a portion of it over and over again, or transcribe it to commit it to memory and then read the rest of the sentence while the first portion is still burned into my brain). On bad days, it can take me 20 minutes or more to complete a page, and by the time I reach the bottom I can't remember what I read at the top. On good days (I've only had one this week), I can become absorbed in my research and I feel like I am wicking ideas off of the page (this comes in spurts). It has become incredibly frustrating and discouraging. I have to work SO hard to achieve something that once came naturally. At first I thought I was braindead, but I'm starting to realize that this inability to focus is most likely tied to my anxiety and the multiple racing thoughts that I can't flush out of my head. I am currently investigating ways to 'clear my mind'. It is easier said than done, and in my case I think it will probably involve facing some demons that I am not prepared to face. But I would suggest you try and do the same - perhaps you can start by learning to let go of the impossible 'ideal self' you are so desperate to return to.
 
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Exactly, the way a normal person operates and looks around the world, everything is one controlled motion, with sub and direct control. The way a person who has done Xanax looks around, it's solely their mind. Their body and mind go with the eyes. The only thing controlled is you, but even then, you lack the memory to do all these things at the same time. Yes, I know I'm not the same person I was. I've still developed strengths these past four years, made mistakes, and I easily have your troubles. Every day I read, and every day I feel as if I'm on the verge of that next tiny step to completion. And I do have to agree that I shouldn't focus on getting back to normal, as my standad self is still normal in a sense. Hell, yesterday, I was playing a videogame, got so caught up in that one moment that I was filled with emotion and thought, and when I tried to let it come out, I literally only said the first, middle, and last word of the thought, had a brain spurt (all this blood raced to my head) and I freaked, believing I may have just had a stroke. Later looked into the difference of an anxiety attack and a stroke [caused by a split shortage of oxygen towards the brain] and I believe what I had wasn't either of those, although involving both of those, what I had was simply me breaking through a wall that was holding me back, and since I didn't taper through the wall, the wall actually crumbled on me and it took me a while to recover from that breakage. Although, me right now is better than the me three days ago. Me right now may have some betters over the me ysterday before the incident, but there were some betters from before the incident that I had, which what I just lost was that verge of slowly implementing two ideas. [imagine the complete idea we may someday have, not the implementing of two ideas, but the implementing of all ideas. Yes, we can retain long-term information, but what we can't do is retain short term information. Which sucks when you study. Tips? Record your lectures and listen to them. Stories are much better but yes, I need to do your extreme reading work ethic of going back and forth. I usually just keep on going and get the general idea then review what I forgot, I never actually spend so much time on one sentence.
 
Guys, I just wanted to let you guys know that I feel alot better in general. I have ideas again, although I can't put numerous ideas together [still on my way there!] I love life everyday again and life is simply something I would never give away for a simple drug. I wish you guys the best in any recovery you may need, and to remind you, the powerful human body would never be held down for long simply because of some tiny pills. Namaste! [this was really all natural, although if I were to force myself to choose my path without lettng it flw, it's kind of harder. Someday..someday
 
Psychotherapy sessions will be coming up soon so I'm definitely excited about outside help. You can only push and train yourself so much without falling down a couple of steps once in a while, it's great knowing there's going to be a trained specialist helping me back up those steps. Anyways, love life aside from the side-effects, still have memory impairment and all the other impairments. Hell, I have an idea of what I typed but that idea is purely clouded, but hey, it's still an idea eh, rather than pure blankness. Anyways, what I wanted to get to was! The last night I took Xanax, last October, I'm assuming I took 6 mgs (3 bars) in one night. Is that a problem? I mean, they were purely for fun, no necessity at all for them, and I only remember railing the first half, no idea what happened to the last 2 1/2..probably went into my body but hey, what's done is done. What I want to know is if this night was that big of a deal. I know it's a big deal, but is it a BIG deal. Haha, thanks!
 
Eh, I would definitely agree that Anxiety has an impact on our memory disfunctions, but, from what I've put together through self-analysis, Xanax puts us at the most minimal stage possible, mentally and emotionally. Life after Xanax is a life of recovery, relearning, and training. The relearning will help speed up the process, and any step missed will dissolve on it's own over time. Ask me what I typed, I don't know :/
 
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