• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Benzo withdrawl - if you think you've been to hell, think again.

dilated_pupils

dilated_pupils

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 13, 2006
Messages
3,617
Location
Philly burbs, PA
Recently I had to do 25 days in a County jail. I wasn't expecting to have to do 27 days straight however I screwed up going to my weekends so I had ended up having to do straight time for the whole 27 days they kept me. Not only was I not prepared for benzo withdrawal but I also was put into the hole as they call where you are totally locked up 23 plus hours a day.

So from there I kept trying everyday to get my medication. I had come in with my scripts, proof of it and I told the truth that I don't abuse it and that I take it as recommended. Well apparently that isn't good enough for them you have to lie your butt off to get actual meds for withdrawal in jail as in people were saying they took 12 milligrams or more a day of Xanax just to get withdrawal medication.

I'm also a vegetarian so let me just start by saying you do not get food that you need if you're vegetarian without begging for it and then even on top of that I have a problem with fish obviously I'm vegetarian but I'm also allergic so the only dish no meat I can get is with fish and vegetables, Ska the Buddhist diet, the days I got fish I also couldn't eat that. For the first 5 days I gave away almost all of my trays - - even saying it, trays, just makes me cringe. So basically I was going through withdrawal and also basically a form of starvation which I do not wish to repeat.

For the first 12 days I had nightmares every night. Everyday I seem to remember them as I woke up but I forced myself not to really look into them because they were terrible and if I really even try to explain them I would just start going psychopathic. Restless leg syndrome started instantly as I got there and it was the worst I've ever had it I mean I literally couldn't stop shaking I'm leg like no matter what I tried to do and you're locked inside of a room and it's just terrible.

In my early twenties I withdrew from Suboxone and Klonopin at the same time however I planned this out myself and succeeded very well. In times like the one I just went through I usually rely on the fact that I know it's very possible to make it through and survive what's going on however in this case I barely survived it I swear. There was actually times where I believe that I was going to black out I don't know how to explain better than the fact that my brain was telling me as I was literally speaking out loud I'm going to blackout I guess it was too my cellmate but what could they do? If you needed help you couldn't get any right away so I was somewhat worried about that - basically I had to wait until seven eight nine days or so passing in my withdrawal to know that I wouldn't have a seizure but I think that I still felt like it was possible, I really never thought I'd say this but I really surpassed the realm of what I thought possible for physical, mental and even length of time the withdrawl seemed to be detrimental to my senses and cognitive functions.
I am sure the loss of ten lbs in eight days on top of an already skinny guy; lack of nutrition had to be a factor.
I really just wanted to share this because if you ever have to go somewhere like this, dear God I hope you don't, have a court order made so you get the meds & food you need. The judge can do that but once you're locked up its hard and may take time.
Here's a picture of when I got home:
20161028_115959.jpg


Anyway I've seen a dietician since I got home and put on twelve lbs. Hope this says something about 2mgs of. Klonopin/day .. Don't take it if you don't need it.

-dp
 
Thank you for sharing that insight and I am so sorry you had to experience that. I have experienced horrible benzo withdrawal - I was cut off cold turkey in rehab from a 10 year benzo habit which was bad, but no where near as miserable or frightening as in jail. That must have been terrifying not knowing if you would get the help you required should an emergency arise.

Being a vegetarian sucks when having to rely on institutional food - so few places accommodate. I lived on raw fruits and veggies for 28 days in rehab - not nearly as bad as your situation but similar with respect to nutrients - little fat and protein. Can you give Feedback to the jail so others in similar circumstances don't suffer? I am really concerned about the medication issues as people can die from not being properly medicated.

Losing weight is normal during benzo withdrawal. I lost 35 lbs my first month - I looked similar to you, unfortunately I was a woman in my 30's at the time so not nearly as attractive. I've found since going through benzo withdrawal its hard to keep any amount of weight on - I can gain a little then in a few weeks I'm losing it all again. I digress - thank you again for sharing - it is very useful info and it does give people insight so they can better prepare for their stay. Best wishes!
 
You've gotta be one tough motherfucker to live through that man. You did not deserve to suffer like that. I think that I personally would have killed myself to escape the agony of it. I hope you never have to go through anything like that ever again, and I'm happy to hear that you are putting on weight again. You were discriminated against and abused for no good reason, regardless of your crime. Your life was put at risk by pigs who couldn't give a fuck less about prisoners having grand mal seizures. This was a wild story and you gave me some perspective on my own current struggles, which are simply nothing in comparison to that living nightmare. I'm happy to hear that you are okay as I have heard of many people dying this way. I can't think of a much worse way to go. Congratulations on toughing out their garbage abuse and I hope you enjoy the rest of your year.
 
Moreaux said:
Thank you for sharing that insight and I am so sorry you had to experience that. I have experienced horrible benzo withdrawal - I was cut off cold turkey in rehab from a 10 year benzo habit which was bad, but no where near as miserable or frightening as in jail. That must have been terrifying not knowing if you would get the help you required should an emergency arise.

Being a vegetarian sucks when having to rely on institutional food - so few places accommodate. I lived on raw fruits and veggies for 28 days in rehab - not nearly as bad as your situation but similar with respect to nutrients - little fat and protein. Can you give Feedback to the jail so others in similar circumstances don't suffer? I am really concerned about the medication issues as people can die from not being properly medicated.

Losing weight is normal during benzo withdrawal. I lost 35 lbs my first month - I looked similar to you, unfortunately I was a woman in my 30's at the time so not nearly as attractive. I've found since going through benzo withdrawal its hard to keep any amount of weight on - I can gain a little then in a few weeks I'm losing it all again. I digress - thank you again for sharing - it is very useful info and it does give people insight so they can better prepare for their stay. Best wishes!
Click to expand...

I would love to do something, my advice about having a legal document stating that you need your medication is about the best thing I can do. However, since elections are over maybe I could write someone. The jail itself it privately owned, so there is nothing I could do with them and don't get me wrong I love my rights but I'd not go near the jail and start picketing.
Who would be best to write?

ShroomySatori said:
You've gotta be one tough motherfucker to live through that man. You did not deserve to suffer like that. I think that I personally would have killed myself to escape the agony of it. I hope you never have to go through anything like that ever again, and I'm happy to hear that you are putting on weight again. You were discriminated against and abused for no good reason, regardless of your crime. Your life was put at risk by pigs who couldn't give a fuck less about prisoners having grand mal seizures. This was a wild story and you gave me some perspective on my own current struggles, which are simply nothing in comparison to that living nightmare. I'm happy to hear that you are okay as I have heard of many people dying this way. I can't think of a much worse way to go. Congratulations on toughing out their garbage abuse and I hope you enjoy the rest of your year.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the comment. I was definitely going through 'it' the nightmares where definitely the worst bit of it all. If you read my journaling for the first couple weeks it's sad but it kept me sane. I used logic to keep myself motivated like telling myself I'm not going crazy and that it's the benzo w/d. If I didn't know better I'd have thought I'd been poisoned is my guess. Have a great rest of the year yourself and a new one at that.

-dp
 
Thanks! And hey, I am just wondering if you have pre-existing anxiety issues, or if you were just using benzos. I guess I'll have to read your journal man. I feel like nightmares would be the least of my worries with all the hardcore panic attacks I get. My pre-existing anxiety issues are extreme to the extent that I was having thousands of panic attacks and eventually just showed up at the ER where they gave me my first benzo. I was chugging 12 beers a day for the panic attacks before that, it was an absolute nightmare. Cutting my wrists to try and escape it. I didn't know what a benzo was. I hear it's particularly challenging for people with hardcore anxiety to get off benzos and that is what really worries me. I couldn't function in any way at all to begin with, and I am on 2mg klonopin a day now for a very long time and normally very stable with little to no panic interfering with my life (just not since entering oxy and heroin wd's this year, which I am not taking extra benzos for).

Thanks again, I don't know too much about benzo wd's yet. One step at a time. I am sure that I benefit from your experience with it. I am starting to feel clean, I am getting the light of life back in my eyes. I feel like it is going to be the best time of my whole entire life. I have been numb for 4 years and starting to feel human again is simply incredible. I think this will be my most successful year yet.
 
ShroomySatori said:
Thanks! And hey, I am just wondering if you have pre-existing anxiety issues, or if you were just using benzos. I guess I'll have to read your journal man. I feel like nightmares would be the least of my worries with all the hardcore panic attacks I get. My pre-existing anxiety issues are extreme to the extent that I was having thousands of panic attacks and eventually just showed up at the ER where they gave me my first benzo. I was chugging 12 beers a day for the panic attacks before that, it was an absolute nightmare. Cutting my wrists to try and escape it. I didn't know what a benzo was. I hear it's particularly challenging for people with hardcore anxiety to get off benzos and that is what really worries me. I couldn't function in any way at all to begin with, and I am on 2mg klonopin a day now for a very long time and normally very stable with little to no panic interfering with my life (just not since entering oxy and heroin wd's this year, which I am not taking extra benzos for).

Thanks again, I don't know too much about benzo wd's yet. One step at a time. I am sure that I benefit from your experience with it. I am starting to feel clean, I am getting the light of life back in my eyes. I feel like it is going to be the best time of my whole entire life. I have been numb for 4 years and starting to feel human again is simply incredible. I think this will be my most successful year yet.
Click to expand...


You can read my past posts - I don't know how helpful they will be unless you do a focus search on the dark side, trip reports and it will give you an idea of who I am.

I haven't abused benzos nor ever have, I've gotten high only 1 or 2 times from benzos and it was purely accidental, however I wasn't against it (very weird getting a 'high' from such a drug in all honesty; I've been taking them since I was 16 exactly as my RX stated).

I'm 28. Been off them here and there but on them for the most part of those years, so when I say this was a bad withdrawal - it sincerely was.

If it's helping you right now stick with it.

I will tell you how I tapered though. My doc wanted to increase my benzos rather than give me the ones I needed - so I said screw it and quit benzos and suboxone. I got myself off from 3mgs klonopin and , 8mg suboxone 3x daily approx. the same time. Suboxone alone was difficult and a trial proved it was mostly my stomach that was going to suffer (as in I got aches/pains that really made me keep turning back and just taking it).

Anyway - I grabbed some .25 xanax, and put a bottle filled with those and 1mg klonopin. Every day instead of 3mgs of klonopin, I took 2 tablets from the bottle without looking - this helped me get over the 'wow' factor of the lengthy klonopin half-life and it became very easy to quit. By the time I was done that 'script' (homemade) it worked completely and I was free. The suboxone was a heavy conscience weight as well but I got past it (taking more towards a month itself to really get over the hump so to speak).

This was after every day use for 5+ years so it's possible to do it - you just need to want to. And I wasn't a drinker FYI so that probably helped.

I do not believe sing alcohol will help the situation in any situation really, specifically quitting benzos unless absolutely necessary. Wine has been shown to help w/d, and I've used it before but it takes a lot of it to not go into real hard-core withdrawal so if you can not work, and really only will be sitting in front of a tv and sleeping, then wine will work. Not lon term though, obviously ;)

-dp
 
Benzo withdrawal is probably worse than opiate withdrawal. Because of very poor sleep habits I began to abuse benzo's, but was able to resist becoming dependent, until one time I illicitly received what was probably phenazepam instead of alprazolam. I tapered slowly when I decided I didn't want to take it anymore as I was still inebriated during the day, so I avoided seizures, but got about 1-2 hours sleep a night for many weeks.

I was able to stop but soon replaced it with an alprazolam habit again. Over several months I tapered and experienced little discomfort. We're not talking crazy amounts, doses well under 1mg. Alcohol does affect the same receptors as benzos, but dependence can take several years. It can help with withdrawal, but you are really replacing one habit with another. If you can slowly taper 20% to 25% over several weeks or more at a time the discomfort should be kept to a minimum.

The best approach is to not become addicted in the first place. Some people for whatever reason need it daily and if you need it then that is fine. If you don't then you do not want to become dependent on these drugs. Save them for when you need them; a couple times a week at most. Withdrawing for whateve reason- you can no longer receive the substance or can no longer take it will be the most miserable experience of your life.

Edit: as an aside, I'm shocked that your doctor prescribed benzos at the same time as suboxone. Benzos are very safe if taken alone and even if you tried to commit suicide with them it would prove very difficult. However i f you add other CNS depressants like alcohol or apiate or opioid meds they can really cause respiratory depression and death.
 
@ObieWan - my doc for $200 a month saw me for a 5 minute visit - I didn't choose this doc (which is why I quit on my own he was a real quack) - he had my on adderall, klonopin and subxone and honestly in the US that is an uncommon cocktail of meds to give someone (unfortunately).

I guess sincerely it's safer than shooting dope or whatever most people use - but you're completely right which is why I got away from those doc's long ago (especially since I genuinely wanted help).

-dp
 
Hey a quick update - been home now for about 12 days give or take. I took 3 klonopin last night I don't usually do this but in all seriousness, not a high but definite drowsienss - this is a good thing it shows me I can still decide what to do with my benzos (trying to take something positive from this f'ed up experiene).

Anyway - I'm thinking of quitting them for good for a good 2 solid months (after I get done a moderate taper) - then save them for truly as needed, but maybe stick to 1mg ativan for panic attacks. This is my preferred route - my main issue is wanting them around sleep and of course once I start to plateau from the effects of my adderall (I'll be the first to admit it - the jitterness sucks and can make me very talkitive/annoying, so I have to recognize this or I get anxious, and even then I still do).

Anyway - going to start cutting 2/3rds of my pills and go from there OR buy some etizolam, cap them in veggy caps, and mix and match until I get off. Some phenazepam would be lovely but I can't find it in small amounts (10grams is so much I think it'd last a lifetime so I never bother with such an order!).

-dp

And P.S. - getting a job is still a bitch - I must say I wrote out to have a job within 2 weeks MAX after getting out of jail, it's not there yet, I've had two interview though which both went well (one better than the other but I'm just judging that based on the fact my 2nd interview is supposed to be this week, fingers crossed)
 
^I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, d_p. It sucks looking for work.

I'm really glad that you survived that experience with such a positive attitude.
 
I feel you I just did 27 days I was RXed 4mg of Xanax and 40mg of methadone and I was taking my RXed 4mg and another 2-3mg on top my Rx with drinking a little liquor once or twice a week and I couldn't stop shaking my legs, I felt almost like I had taken a bunch of crazy acid I couldn't move, my heart pounded non stop, I didn't get any comfort meds as my country jail has a no narcotic policy I couldn't ever go through that shit again, I didn't sleep for 3 weeks, it was torture my own hell, I wanted to jump out of my skin, I've came off IV gram a day herion habits, benzos, booze, fent patches w/ fentora, oxys and this was the worst by a fucking mile it was so so bad, I mean jail sucks but being in that bad of withdrawals in jail is just crazy I couldn't put into words the agony. Stay strong man atleast it's behind you.
 
That's so fucked up that they make people withdrawal even from their RX'ed meds in jail putting them at risk for seizures or even death. I get it that jail isn't supposed be nice and comfortable but ffs you shouldn't have to risk your health.

FWIW op you actually don't look that bad in the pic. Just look like the people going for a beach body look.
 
dilated_pupils said:
Hey a quick update - been home now for about 12 days give or take. I took 3 klonopin last night I don't usually do this but in all seriousness, not a high but definite drowsienss - this is a good thing it shows me I can still decide what to do with my benzos (trying to take something positive from this f'ed up experiene).

Anyway - I'm thinking of quitting them for good for a good 2 solid months (after I get done a moderate taper) - then save them for truly as needed, but maybe stick to 1mg ativan for panic attacks. This is my preferred route - my main issue is wanting them around sleep and of course once I start to plateau from the effects of my adderall (I'll be the first to admit it - the jitterness sucks and can make me very talkitive/annoying, so I have to recognize this or I get anxious, and even then I still do).

Anyway - going to start cutting 2/3rds of my pills and go from there OR buy some etizolam, cap them in veggy caps, and mix and match until I get off. Some phenazepam would be lovely but I can't find it in small amounts (10grams is so much I think it'd last a lifetime so I never bother with such an order!).

-dp

And P.S. - getting a job is still a bitch - I must say I wrote out to have a job within 2 weeks MAX after getting out of jail, it's not there yet, I've had two interview though which both went well (one better than the other but I'm just judging that based on the fact my 2nd interview is supposed to be this week, fingers crossed)
Click to expand...

A taper is a great idea! Ideally do a slow taper and try not to decrease anymore than 10% a week. Going to fast can actually cause neurological damage that is quite unpleasant to live through (the damage eventually heals but it takes a long time and it is pure hell when it begins). If you have anxiety attacks consider Inderal (propranolol) to help manage them as it is not addictive and it stops the adrenaline response that causes the physiological symptoms of anxiety attacks. It was an absolute life saver when I got off of Xanax after 10 years.

Regarding sleep I found trazodone and melatonin to be one hell of a knock out combo - I used that when I got off of benzos. Now intake melatonin and glycine whenni need it and sleep great. Also consider a healthy diet and exercise earlynin the day as those go a long way towards valid sleep, and also examine your sleep hygiene as you may be able to modify some behaviors that will make falling asleep easier and will increase the quality of your sleep. Benzos may help to make you feel calmer and more relaxed but theybactually interferenwith sleep on quality so you are not getting as restful a sleep as you could be.

Good luck on getting a job!!!
 
Moreaux said:
A taper is a great idea! Ideally do a slow taper and try not to decrease anymore than 10% a week. Going to fast can actually cause neurological damage that is quite unpleasant to live through (the damage eventually heals but it takes a long time and it is pure hell when it begins). If you have anxiety attacks consider Inderal (propranolol) to help manage them as it is not addictive and it stops the adrenaline response that causes the physiological symptoms of anxiety attacks. It was an absolute life saver when I got off of Xanax after 10 years.

Regarding sleep I found trazodone and melatonin to be one hell of a knock out combo - I used that when I got off of benzos. Now intake melatonin and glycine whenni need it and sleep great. Also consider a healthy diet and exercise earlynin the day as those go a long way towards valid sleep, and also examine your sleep hygiene as you may be able to modify some behaviors that will make falling asleep easier and will increase the quality of your sleep. Benzos may help to make you feel calmer and more relaxed but theybactually interferenwith sleep on quality so you are not getting as restful a sleep as you could be.

Good luck on getting a job!!!
Click to expand...

Thanks for the info - that is helpful!
Also thank you to the others whom have posted.
@ nuttynutskin
nuttynutskin that's gross! a beach body LOL I might have some abs showing but my ribs are as well! :(
 
Glad you're doing better. I went through 4 psychwards and refused to tell the first ward that I was addicted to xanax. I took up to 10 xanax bars a day (20mg) I had insane auditory and visual hallucinations and then a seizure I then told them I just wanted to die and they put me in restraints and gave me geodone for acting insane and then slowly weened me off. I got out and went right back to xanax. I am currently still addicted and can't stop it. I've hurt my parents and friends so much. Lost a great job, great girlfriend, and I don't want to live.
 
dilated_pupils said:
Recently I had to do 25 days in a County jail. I wasn't expecting to have to do 27 days straight however I screwed up going to my weekends so I had ended up having to do straight time for the whole 27 days they kept me. Not only was I not prepared for benzo withdrawal but I also was put into the hole as they call where you are totally locked up 23 plus hours a day.

So from there I kept trying everyday to get my medication. I had come in with my scripts, proof of it and I told the truth that I don't abuse it and that I take it as recommended. Well apparently that isn't good enough for them you have to lie your butt off to get actual meds for withdrawal in jail as in people were saying they took 12 milligrams or more a day of Xanax just to get withdrawal medication.

Actually you cant get ANY narcotics prescribed to you in jail. They give u a taper for 2 days... Bullshit.. They dont give you your meds in jail, they wean you off.
And since your a vegetarian you tell them that talk to a seargent they have to give you a specail veggy tray... Im taking it you were just freaking out to bad and couldnt understand jail rules. All good tho. Also, they don't give a fuck about you, your an animal in their eyes so tell them to fuck themselves and talk to a real seargent..
But i feel you, i was taking 120 pills a month then got locked up with no help except two nights of some shitty non narcotic to "wean" me off. Didnt help. I stayed for 52 days in jail withdrawing the whole time... Got out tries to refill it and my doc stopped refilling them.. So i feel you. Worse then anything anyone can imagine, worse then herione really
Click to expand...
 
benzo withdraw

dilated_pupils said:
Recently I had to do 25 days in a County jail. I wasn't expecting to have to do 27 days straight however I screwed up going to my weekends so I had ended up having to do straight time for the whole 27 days they kept me. Not only was I not prepared for benzo withdrawal but I also was put into the hole as they call where you are totally locked up 23 plus hours a day.

So from there I kept trying everyday to get my medication. I had come in with my scripts, proof of it and I told the truth that I don't abuse it and that I take it as recommended. Well apparently that isn't good enough for them you have to lie your butt off to get actual meds for withdrawal in jail as in people were saying they took 12 milligrams or more a day of Xanax just to get withdrawal medication.

I'm also a vegetarian so let me just start by saying you do not get food that you need if you're vegetarian without begging for it and then even on top of that I have a problem with fish obviously I'm vegetarian but I'm also allergic so the only dish no meat I can get is with fish and vegetables, Ska the Buddhist diet, the days I got fish I also couldn't eat that. For the first 5 days I gave away almost all of my trays - - even saying it, trays, just makes me cringe. So basically I was going through withdrawal and also basically a form of starvation which I do not wish to repeat.

For the first 12 days I had nightmares every night. Everyday I seem to remember them as I woke up but I forced myself not to really look into them because they were terrible and if I really even try to explain them I would just start going psychopathic. Restless leg syndrome started instantly as I got there and it was the worst I've ever had it I mean I literally couldn't stop shaking I'm leg like no matter what I tried to do and you're locked inside of a room and it's just terrible.

In my early twenties I withdrew from Suboxone and Klonopin at the same time however I planned this out myself and succeeded very well. In times like the one I just went through I usually rely on the fact that I know it's very possible to make it through and survive what's going on however in this case I barely survived it I swear. There was actually times where I believe that I was going to black out I don't know how to explain better than the fact that my brain was telling me as I was literally speaking out loud I'm going to blackout I guess it was too my cellmate but what could they do? If you needed help you couldn't get any right away so I was somewhat worried about that - basically I had to wait until seven eight nine days or so passing in my withdrawal to know that I wouldn't have a seizure but I think that I still felt like it was possible, I really never thought I'd say this but I really surpassed the realm of what I thought possible for physical, mental and even length of time the withdrawl seemed to be detrimental to my senses and cognitive functions.
I am sure the loss of ten lbs in eight days on top of an already skinny guy; lack of nutrition had to be a factor.
I really just wanted to share this because if you ever have to go somewhere like this, dear God I hope you don't, have a court order made so you get the meds & food you need. The judge can do that but once you're locked up its hard and may take time.
Here's a picture of when I got home:
20161028_115959.jpg


Anyway I've seen a dietician since I got home and put on twelve lbs. Hope this says something about 2mgs of. Klonopin/day .. Don't take it if you don't need it.

-dp
Click to expand...
i went through withdrawals of xanax/alcohol and kol/alcohol. 2 different occasions , the pain is great but the reward is worth it. I'm trying to get off raton now, i want to be completely clean .
 
Sorry you had to go through that,I've been through a lot of drugs but without a doubt benzo withdrawal, especially unwanted, is hell on earth,hope you have good karma in the future
 
Dang, you dropped a 24mg a day suboxone habit one time, and the benzo WD was worse? Obviously, the different environments play a factor.

I just kicked sub (I thought jumping off 2mg was bad) and now I'm on klonopin (2mg per day) making a plan to kick that and be completely clean, but man that's crazy. I'll have to do some research, thanks for sharing.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top