Benzo withdrawal

[queenscarlet88]

I abused benzodiazepines for almost three years. I quit cold-turkey almost four months ago. My sleeping is FINALLY getting back to normal. But my memory is still fried. And trying to think -- let alone trying to write -- makes me feel like my mind is padded with cotton balls and styrofoam.

What has been SO maddening about this process is that I have had NOBODY to talk to who could understand! Benzodiazepine withdrawal is foreign to most people. They think "withdrawal" means you get the shakes for a week or two, you feel kind of crappy, and then you move on with your life. The awful thing about benzo withdrawal is that it seemed like it had ended after only a couple of weeks. I was sleeping much better, looking and feeling great, my thinking was clearing up. And then the withdrawal began to recur in waves. I would sleep for a couple of days, and then be awake for the next couple, my body feeling as though my nerves were screaming, my emotions like a pendulum from day to day and even hour to hour ... I thought there was a limit to human suffering. I have suffered in ways previously unimaginable.

Benzodiazepine withdrawal is hell on earth. What makes it so hellish is that because benzos are considered "medicine," and because people misconceive withdrawal as a short-term, finite process, there has been nobody in whom I could confide who wouldn't think I was just whining. Perhaps opiate addicts dealing with PAWS can understand what I'm getting at here.

Does anyone on this board understand me? Can anybody help me to endure this suffering; can anyone lend me some hope? Will I ever be back to the way I was, able to think and remember clearly, to write fluently and effortlessly instead of haltingly, with stable and explicable emotions?

 

[panic in paradise]

too many of us understand that, all of that.

i would search PAWs and Benzo related threads, in TDS, and else where in the forum.
BZD w/d is nothing to take lightly. i just recently got off of them, and a great part of the reason why, is because of this attitude/beliefs of people, and the inevitable danger involved.

i did get off them though, it took several terrible attempts, after 4 years or so. it is awful, but does get better, it has to eventually.

maybe what i posted isnt the most up sounding post, but i absolutely can relate, and im sure many others who do as well will have info and similar experiences/coping mechanisms to share.

 

[RobotRipping]

I completely understand what you're going through. No one I know has any idea about benzos, let alone addiction and withdrawal from them. I've gone cold turkey before and it's so terrible I can't describe it. This time I'm tapering with valium and it's still so terrible, but not even close to what I experienced before.

In the last year I spent 8 months abusing benzos, I can't remember much from those 8 months. I met many people, made new friends and now I can barely remember their names or recognize them. Since you spent 4 years on them I imagine you experience the same, which is why your memory seems messed up. Once you start making new memories I think you will see that you can recall them properly; I quit benzos for about 6 months and relapsed, but I was just about back to my normal self, somehow convinced myself I could handle benzos this time around and here I am still experiencing hell. I can remember every detail from when I was clean from benzos but every benzo memory is hazy (not to mention I would black out lots, leaving huge memory gaps).

Just remember the pain benzos have caused you; they don't fix anything but make it all worse, I'm too afraid of the withdrawal to even consider relapsing again. Hopefully that will be enough to keep me away for good this time.

 

[panic in paradise]

Once you start making new memories I think you will see that you can recall them properly....

i like that

 

[suessmayr]

I used benzos for at least a year and am currently dealing with opiate PAWS.

Everyone here understands what you're going through, believe me. Congratulations on making it for so long! That is a massive achievement - never forget how awesome and difficult what you've done is.

There are a number of over-the-counter and natural medicines that can help you. Doxylamine, diphenhydramine and valerian root, to name a few. These can be used for anxiety or insomnia and are generally extremely effective. You also might want to consider the idea of anti-depressants, and it seems to be pretty common for people to use anti-depressants during benzo/opiate withdrawal.

Most accounts I've read of benzo withdrawal have said that it lasts - at worst - for 6 months. So I really think you're nearly there, if not essentially there already! Keep at it!