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Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

  • Thread starter Thread starter cj
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cj said:
Yeah I don't drink so that's not a problem. I quit smoking weed. Today was just a rare treat of injecting some cool RC stim MDPV analogue I believe and a fentanyl analogue that actually broke through my methadone and had me on cloud nine for a couple hours. It was just a treat and circumstances coming together. I still want to try every drug there is its kinda a lifetime bucketlist ting :).

Look I am a drug addict. I am in the process of learning moderation and frankly I am doing an ok job IMO.

Harm reduction plan. Keep my benzo use to 2mg kpin a day for the most part. Only use more when absolutely needed. No dirty needles and good injection hygiene if I shoot up. My main concern is keeping my benzo tolerance reasonable.. Also no driving while benzod out that shit is bad news. I also need to moniter my mood and actions as I lower my methadone dose a relapse would be fucking disastrous.

Let me think and ill add more
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CJ I am glad you met a new friend and that from what you wrote this person is not into drugs.

It's also great that you are practicing harm reduction and have family members that live and care for you, and who will look out for you.

But if you are an addict practicing or being able to moderate drug use is not something we can do, learn, change, or adapt to doing. If you go back and re-read your posts you will notice how you are not using drugs in moderation.

Please get help now before it's too late. You are using and injecting research chemicals, and you wrote about how your goal is to use every drug there is. These are not good signs. Stay safe.
 
Yeah my goal to try every drug is like a goal I've has since I was 15. More a joke now than a reality with the rc boom that would be damn near impossible.

Yeah the fent could be a slippery slope but luckily its not something I have access to easily a friend just happened to let me try a dose out of his stash he got from god knows where. The benzos are still what scare me because I have easy access but they improve my quality of life so its a catch 22.

I've been very lonely the last 6 months so getting to chill with a like minded person was a high all on its own.

I think I have kind of given up on the idea of total abstinance as far as my life goes. It's just not goin to happen and the fight to make it happen makes me depressed. Feeling like a failure and hating myself everytime I use isn't good for my phychological health. That battle was pushing me towards suicide. I am just going to accept me for who I am and go from there.

My next goal is too get back to writing. I want to get published.

Priest i do appreciate what your saying about a slippery slope. Maybe I'll look back on this later and call myself an idiot but this is where I am now.
 
Yippee!! That is a fantastic goal! A couple pages a day adds up very fast you know.

In terms of abstinence, the more I focused on that as my goal, the more it would always elude me. It wasn't until I started doing the things I needed to do to take care of myself that I eventually started moving in that direction.

I think abstinence from harmful substance use is a realistic goal for cj though. It doesn't necessarily entail curtailing all substance use per se, but rather chiseling away bit by bit at what is doing the most damage now (for instance, cocaine - perhaps next on the list could be RC benzo use, once you've stabilized a bit more I mean, to the point there you're only relying on your prescribed dose of clonazepam - I don't expect this to happen tomorrow or next month, but down the road sometimes, once you've got more stuff in your life your find meaningful and fulfilling - like your compañero!!).
 
toothpastedog said:
Yippee!! That is a fantastic goal! A couple pages a day adds up very fast you know.

In terms of abstinence, the more I focused on that as my goal, the more it would always elude me. It wasn't until I started doing the things I needed to do to take care of myself that I eventually started moving in that direction.

I think abstinence from harmful substance use is a realistic goal for cj though. It doesn't necessarily entail curtailing all substance use per se, but rather chiseling away bit by bit at what is doing the most damage now (for instance, cocaine - perhaps next on the list could be RC benzo use, once you've stabilized a bit more I mean, to the point there you're only relying on your prescribed dose of clonazepam - I don't expect this to happen tomorrow or next month, but down the road sometimes, once you've got more stuff in your life your find meaningful and fulfilling - like your compañero!!).
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I agree. I am done with coke man. Shooting it is fun but the comedown makes it so not worth it.
 
CJ, and I guess anyone reading this...have you ever tried anything while tapering that was able to get you to sleep? Besides alcohol and opiates. I've been reading about l theanine and kava and I wonder if they offer any relief. Trying to sleep and I only get more than 2 hours on a day I insufflate smack. So scared to build up a tolerance I only dose every 72 hours and I actually waste money on lower quality on purpose.
 
Another doctor turned me down, fuck fla medical system. I guess I might go into an intensive outpatient program
 
manofadude said:
Another doctor turned me down, fuck fla medical system. I guess I might go into an intensive outpatient program
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Thats brutal man.

I got a doc appointment tomorrow where I have to explain to the doctor who wrote my 60 kpin a month script why I didn't tell him I was on methadone maintenance. I should have just been honest from the get go but I was out of benzos and desperate the first time I saw him. I think I am just going to be honest and say that methadone carries a big stigma and I have been discriminated against in the past because of it. If he gets pissed I at least hope he agress to taper me off while I look for a new doc to write them. I got plenty right now saved up I just need cover for the fucking methadone clinic.

Otherwise I had a really good day today hanging with my new friend. I think hes turning into my best friend which is pretty fucking cool cause I haven't had a close friend in a while.

Anyway iam still feeling happy. Least I think that's what emotion that is I am not too used to feeling it.
 
So pleased to hear about this cj. Nothing beat having a good friend IRL :)

I'm looking forward to going to the beach (yes, in winter - it's still SoCal) once she is back at her place soon. And getting my shit together and giving you a call ;) I figure mentioning it publicly will help me self-shamed myself into actually picking up the phone. . . tomorrow 8) ;) %)
 
That's awesome cj! I really need to do a better job getting out there and seeing the very few friends I have. It's just hard ya know, being social without what use to make it easiest. Ya this is the second doctor that's turned me away and asked that I instead go to an IOP. They both recommended the same one. Honestly don't know if I want to keep doctor hopping or go to this IOP. She sounded so sure that this is what I needed but I also think she didn't want to deal with me either like the other doctor. I feel like it's a liability thing or something. Like maybe if I hurt myself or commited suicide they'd be tied into it
 
Why did they end up suggesting the IOP program to you? Like, is it something in your file that prompted them to go that route or something you mentioned talking to them? I'm just trying to wrap my head around this.

Such a PITA for you man, I'm sorry :( who knows though, maybe an IOP will do you some good. What are the specifics on the program in terms of what they offer and costs and whatnot?
 
I haven't even looked into the program. The last doctor it was the fact that I could get benzos off the street while I quit, which I never did until a week ago. For this doctor I think it was all the drugs I listed that I've done. And maybe how I described the way I felt, but before I even got the chance to do that she was already recommending the IOP. Maybe I just need to downplay my situation a little, at least that's what one of my family members said. I guess a fricken drug specialist can only handle so much lol. What a world we live in. I had so much hope in this doc to:( I just have to keep fighting my fight and not lose hope I guess. But if it doesn't have a 12 step I will highly consider going because she said she'd see me after and that she'd continue whatever meds they give me
 
manofadude said:
I haven't even looked into the program. The last doctor it was the fact that I could get benzos off the street while I quit, which I never did until a week ago. For this doctor I think it was all the drugs I listed that I've done. And maybe how I described the way I felt, but before I even got the chance to do that she was already recommending the IOP. Maybe I just need to downplay my situation a little, at least that's what one of my family members said. I guess a fricken drug specialist can only handle so much lol. What a world we live in. I had so much hope in this doc to:( I just have to keep fighting my fight and not lose hope I guess. But if it doesn't have a 12 step I will highly consider going because she said she'd see me after and that she'd continue whatever meds they give me
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If your looking for "abuseable" meds ie benzos your barking up the wrong tree at IOPS and addiction specialists. I got prescribed benzos by downplaying my drug use aND making it seem like I had been in recovery for a longish time. There's a bit of a dance you have to do.
 
cj said:
If your looking for "abuseable" meds ie benzos your barking up the wrong tree at IOPS and addiction specialists. I got prescribed benzos by downplaying my drug use aND making it seem like I had been in recovery for a longish time. There's a bit of a dance you have to do.
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This is definitely the case. The only reason I'm able to get a script for them is that I have a long-established relationship with a pdoc I really like and I'm not constantly hounding him for refills so it's obvious I'm not going through large quantities of them. One IOP program told me outright that no benzo use would be permitted and the other ones said if they're already prescribed, it's fine, but don't expect them to provide any scripts.

EDIT: I'm not for outright withholding information from your doctors, but I am going to downplay my last relapse to my pdoc when I see him. He was already getting impatient with me back in March of last year.
 
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Enough999 said:
CJ, and I guess anyone reading this...have you ever tried anything while tapering that was able to get you to sleep? Besides alcohol and opiates. I've been reading about l theanine and kava and I wonder if they offer any relief. Trying to sleep and I only get more than 2 hours on a day I insufflate smack. So scared to build up a tolerance I only dose every 72 hours and I actually waste money on lower quality on purpose.
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There are plenty of unscheduled medications for sleep. I take 900mg gabapentin and 15mg Remeron and if that isn't enough I'll supplement with 75mg doxepin. As CJ already pointed out Seroquel is commonly used as well. I used to take 100mg trazodone but I would have to wake up a full hour earlier than I would have under normal circumstances just to shake the hangover from it so I could function.
 
Yeah I hate Trazodone.

Doctor appointment went great he took the news that I was on methadone totally in stride even though I didn't tell him at first appointment. No change to my meds except for some blood pressure meds because I have a high BP now guess I am getting old.

But yeah big weight off my shoulders. Things have been going pretty good lately hopefully they stay like this.
 
cj said:
No change to my meds except for some blood pressure meds because I have a high BP now guess I am getting old.
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What meds did he put you on? I'm on lisinopril and a clonidine patch. The clonidine is great because not only does it help with BP but it's also a mild downer and helps keep me chilled out. It helps with ADD as well which is great because the stim ADD meds made me manic. BP isn't much of an issue for me when I'm not drinking though.
 
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Honestly I don't even want abusable meds just whatever medicine will make me mentally feel better and more straight in the head. But I think either way it is best I start downplaying my situation.i probably scare them off when I say I don't feel mentally right and inhuman but I feel like it's important information
 
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