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Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

  • Thread starter Thread starter cj
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It could help but I am not surprised at your mother's response. It would be immensely difficult for her. It certainly was for my mother, she didn't want to hear what happened to me either...

Cj, I think you need to stabilise your dose of clonazepam before tapering. Its good you are thinking in that way but a taper shouod only commence when you are settled and relatively comfortable on a certain dose. IMO, you cannot withdraw too slowly from benzos. Try to be patient.

I kept reading this thread but stopped posting because I felt we were all flinging opinions at you. But I felt I should say the above.

Peace <3
 
cj said:
I am sorry. I shouldn't ask people I have so much love and respect for watch me self destruct. I have been on your side of the thread countless times while others destruct so I am not oblivious too the helplessness and frustration your probably feeling.

I think I am here for something I just don't know what it is. Maybe its simply saving someone from an OD or as big as opening a a needle exchange harm reduction safe shooting gallery in the US.
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First things first, don't apologize for sharing your struggle with us and being honest. I certainly didn't mean to add to your guilt or shame. I just haven't been doing this as long as you, so I'm not used to watching someone self destruct (not that I think you are doing that...just using your example). I guess I need to suck it up if I am going to be any good at this BL thing. So, please don't worry about my helplessness or frustration - I just want to help and don't know how.

I actually believe that you are here for something, too. You are so young and talented and have seen/been through so much in life. You have a lot of support and love to offer others - it's inspiring for me to see!

You talk a lot about moving from where you are at to somewhere on the coast, right? If so, why is that appealing to you? If you had an opportunity to do a long term rehab that allows you to stay on methadone, would you want to do that? Sorry for all the questions, and don't feel like you need to answer, I just wanted to know if you were open to a long term rehab or if you are simply looking for a change in people, places and things? I know you've checked some places and they say you have to get off methadone - but they can't all say that, that would be bat shit crazy.

Much love and admiration, CJ. I'm sending you all my good vibes and you are in my thoughts

- VE
 
n
swilow said:
It could help but I am not surprised at your mother's response. It would be immensely difficult for her. It certainly was for my mother, she didn't want to hear what happened to me either...

Cj, I think you need to stabilise your dose of clonazepam before tapering. Its good you are thinking in that way but a taper shouod only commence when you are settled and relatively comfortable on a certain dose. IMO, you cannot withdraw too slowly from benzos. Try to be patient.

I kept reading this thread but stopped posting because I felt we were all flinging opinions at you. But I felt I should say the above.

Peace <3
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That's really all people can do is fling opinions. How do you tell someone you've never met in real life how to live? I keep posting because its nice to have a place to right it all down. I don't expect you guys to have the answers though your posts have given me much to think about. I thank everyone who has taken the time to read and comment.

The point I was making about my mom is she cant stand to hear it but I don't have the option of saying no I don't want to hear it. It goes more into the part of our relationship where she thinks I am a fuck up. Its like yes I am a fuck up but I have good reason to be.
 
Todays a low day. Ive been wondering if my family might be better off if I was dead. I checked some term life insurance quotes. 100k for 60 a month. I get that pay on it a few months then wrap my car round a tree. That's a nice chunk of change for my mom. Or I just disappear. I send letters post cards emails even maybe. Not breaking any laws so no reason for the police to give a shit.

Im just tired of being a burden on my parents
 
cj said:
Todays a low day. Ive been wondering if my family might be better off if I was dead. I checked some term life insurance quotes. 100k for 60 a month. I get that pay on it a few months then wrap my car round a tree. That's a nice chunk of change for my mom. Or I just disappear. I send letters post cards emails even maybe. Not breaking any laws so no reason for the police to give a shit.

Im just tired of being a burden on my parents
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CJ don't think those negative thoughts. You are not a burden on your parents and they would be devastated if you died, as would a lot of people here on this site and in your personal life that know you. You're not a bad person or a burden. You just need help to get off of all the drugs you are addicted to before it's too late. Can you ask for help or check yourself into a detox, hospital, or rehab?
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
CJ don't think those negative thoughts. You are not a burden on your parents and they would be devastated if you died, as would a lot of people here on this site and in your personal life that know you. You're not a bad person or a burden. You just need help to get off of all the drugs you are addicted to before it's too late. Can you ask for help or check yourself into a detox, hospital, or rehab?
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I am in the middle of a benzo taper. My insurance sucks and I am on 170mg methadone. Getting Down to a low enough dose to go to rehab is the current goal. I am trying to stay out of the phych ward honestly.
 
cj said:
Todays a low day. Ive been wondering if my family might be better off if I was dead....

Im just tired of being a burden on my parents
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It sucks, but that's what family is for.

If you kill yourself or disappear, you will be a much greater and more painful burden than you could ever be in life.
 
For what it's worth CJ, you have me shit scared of the box of valium I have on hand. Thanks for sharing your struggles mate. Make yourself and your folks proud. You can do it.
 
cj said:
Todays a low day. Ive been wondering if my family might be better off if I was dead. I checked some term life insurance quotes. 100k for 60 a month. I get that pay on it a few months then wrap my car round a tree. That's a nice chunk of change for my mom. Or I just disappear. I send letters post cards emails even maybe. Not breaking any laws so no reason for the police to give a shit.

Im just tired of being a burden on my parents
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If you kill yourself, then life insurance won't pay out.
 
I admit, I don't know much about benzo withdrawal to actually help you, but I wish you best of luck! Hope you feel better soon!
 
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Reading the post, I completely understand what you're going through. I want to kill myself too. Shit sucks! I'm so mad, I'm gonna be alive for so long! Fuck! Anyways, I won't judge you. If you need anything just give me a message okay? I been through some tough shit and I think I can help you too. When I was young, I believed that death was the worst thing in the world. Now that I'm older, I know better
 
cj, even if you're not getting better from sharing your struggles, I know it can benefit the community. It can be hard to talk about these things, and by reading your story I know it gives others courage and strength to share theirs.
 
In the same boat as you CJ. Starting doing dope again every other day for the past week or so (sniffing, not iving like I used to) just to distract myself from benzo hell. Have to stop before I make everything even worse if possible. If I didn't have to worry about destroying my mom I would have already finalized this whole shit show. You are not alone here.
 
Enough999 said:
In the same boat as you CJ. Starting doing dope again every other day for the past week or so (sniffing, not iving like I used to) just to distract myself from benzo hell. Have to stop before I make everything even worse if possible. If I didn't have to worry about destroying my mom I would have already finalized this whole shit show. You are not alone here.
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I know exactly what you mean. Especially regarding your mom. My mom is my rock and as an only child I don't believe she would recover from my death.
 
cj said:
Im sitting here in my bed paralyzed with anxiety. I am afraid of robbers, blood clots, and a million other


things that didn't bother me before. I am starting to doubt my own resolve. Maybe I should just get back on benzos? Or heroin? Or maybe I should stop the roller coaster myself while I still can. After my last suicide attempt I had a recurring nightmare that I was really in a coma waiting to be declared brain dead. I cant stomach another failure like that.

I really fucked myself this time I think. I feel like I am on a bad LSD trip that will not end. I just took a Seroquel so I can hopefully sleep.
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I know where your coming from I switched around from xanax to Kpins to valium to ativan. Ended at 30mg a day and 1mg of xanax and coming off just sucks the crave is bla. In reality though brother you don't want to be on them too long for your brain. My dad took xanax for close to 15 years til his primary retired and a new doc came in and switched him to hydroxyzine instantly. My dad has never been very happy or outgoing or anything since. I would not go back on them. I Got Some 2mg ATIVAN RECENTLY Had A NICE Fuzzy Two Nights Wolk Up AND FWLT REGREt. They suck brother just grt use to regular exercise maybe body lifting. They really are all designed for short team use although so many of us use long term. If ita recent yoy could grt on librium to ease off I would just stick cold turkey if that is what u have done though buddy. GL!
 
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