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Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

  • Thread starter Thread starter cj
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cj said:
This is going to have such a bad ending.
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If you know that, then you need to do something different. Get into a long term rehab program, or at the very least, you need to move away from where you are now, because I'm sure you won't cut your connections to your benzo dealer.

Using heroin/fentanyl is a really bad idea. Don't do it.
 
CJ please do not hurt yourself, don't even think about suicide as an option, and starting to use heroin again, or starting to use fentanyl is a really bad idea.

I know life and everything else is not going well for you but hang in there. Be extremely careful with the coke, can you quit using it? Is it possible for you to only get benzos from your source, and not hang out socially and use more drugs with them? Or better yet cut this person out of your life? This person does not have your best interests at heart, and you are risking getting addicted to coke and whatever other drugs they have that they share or sell to you. If you IV anything make sure you use brand new rigs and don't share any equipment. Stay safe.

You wrote about not wanting to get off of the dose of methadone that you are on, can you talk to a doctor or the clinic and tell them that you want the dose lowered?

Are you ready to make changes in your life? Why is checking into a rehab or detox place, or hospital not an option for you? Have you talked to your parents about this? Or told any sort of doctor or medical professional or mental health profesional about your addictions, and said how you want to get clean or sober?

I am just giving you ideas, and telling you how there's nothing wrong with asking for help and getting help for drug addiction. Quitting drugs on your own is not possible for you.
 
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Hey cj! Sorry to hear you had a bad day. Haven't been on in awhile but glad to see you are still here posting! Your journey has been filled with many ups and downs, but you are truly an amazing person and I'm sending as much positivity your way as I can <3
 
I've been a member of this site since 2004-2005 under the name PARooolller and had a heroic thread on being forced to detox from years of daily benzodiazepine use to NOTHING in 5 days because I was awaiting a prison sentence and the state didn't want me to die in jail....Well, I did die.. During my 5 day "detox" I had NUMEROUS grand mal seizures to the point of remembering nothing but waking up sore as fuck with breathing tubes at a hospital 16 miles away from the facility. It took me 3 years of no mind altering substances to feel normal, albeit I was 10 years younger. I made it 7 years without any benzos and on Dec 22 2013 I was visiting family for the holidays and my anxiety was so bad I went to my GP and walked out with a script for 6mgs of Clonazepam..I knew exactly where it was going to lead me..here I am over 3 years later and I've tapered from 6mgs to 2.5mgs in the past year and even with a slow taper, I would never wish the experience of benzo wd on my worst enemies.

Deep sleep hasn't happened in months, albeit no violent panic attacks. My pupils look like I'm on LSD and I keep over analyzing my appearance and everything else...

The only way to break free from the WD is to do your own cognitive behavioral therapy...Throw yourself into situations that you know will break you out of your comfort zone...Stay away from alcohol and all mind altering substances...Don't be like me and only spend time at work and the gym and then isolate while my life passes me by.

Here's what makes benzo wd so difficult compared to other drugs...For example, with opiate wd, you feel better in a few days and the residual psychological depression and cravings are easier to control..BENZO WD IS THE ONLY WD THAT GETS WORSE AS MORE TIME ELAPSES!!! It will never get better unless you work on yourself.

do it low and slow regarding taper...I dropped 0.25mg every 60days and what shocked me was that I could eat 20mgs of xanax and klonopin and feel "normal" but reducing the dose 0.25 of a mg will make you realize how much they really do work.
 
I'm ok. I just don't want to talk about it right now. I'm tired. No real motivation to do anything.

PA ROLLER- I remember you from back then. I posted under drew345 back then. That sounds horrifying. Yet I'm finding out all about it right now.

I got the script to stay on mdone 60 1mg kpin a month. Along with gabapentin 1800mg a day. So that's good I guess.

Not going to kill myself tonight. That's about all the certainty I can give you.
 
cj said:
I'm ok. I just don't want to talk about it right now. I'm tired. No real motivation to do anything.

PA ROLLER- I remember you from back then. I posted under drew345 back then. That sounds horrifying. Yet I'm finding out all about it right now.

I got the script to stay on mdone 60 1mg kpin a month. Along with gabapentin 1800mg a day. So that's good I guess.

Not going to kill myself tonight. That's about all the certainty I can give you.
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Glad to see you still here and I'm in your same boat albeit I kicked Gabapentin although it does reduce seizure threshold. my 2017 goal is to finally taper off completely.
 
Kicking gabapentin is horrific. My goal is to eat them so fast every month that I want have time to get dependent.

Ight thr basic rundown of how I fucked myself this time. Spent the day/night with a friend whos a big time drug dealer. We shot coke all day/night and I ended up eating over 40mg o9f etiz but I stayed conscious because of the coke. I go to therapy appointment the day after not sleeping at all and being totally out of it on benzos. Didn't go so well brought up all my issues from my childhood ect. I gp home eat the last 6mg of etiz I have at 6pm which did jack shit of course.

So im totally phychotic at this point. Around 12 I sneak out of house call 911 and go to hospital in ambulance. Wait there to see anyone for 3-4 hours start getting benzo withdrawal at that point so I decide to leave the hospital and walk to my friend house 25 miles away. by this time my parents know I am gone so we are fighting over the phone. Finally I give up on walking and my mom picked me up and drove me to methadone clinic where the argument continued with my counselor and the head of the clinic involved. So much cringe. Anyway my mom took me to the pill mill and I got the scripts I need. 60kpin for the month gabapentin and hydroyxine to potentate the methadone. So I am like doing rehab at home I guess. My mom is feeding me the kpins but I get to hold the other two. So yeah I don't feel like I did anything terrible. I tried to spare my parents having to take me to the hospital and frankly I didn't want to deal with there bullshit.

I have my first ever CC coming in the mail in the next week or so. I lied about my income to get it but that's the American way right? Its got a 1000 dollar limit. I am getting the fuck out of here. I don't know where I am going yet but I am leaving. Got to be a legalized weed state with a good social welfare system and places to wait tables at.

I have been eating seroquel so I am not psychotic. I just don't fucking care anymore. I am so sick of my life. I am 28 its time to sink or fucking swim. I am gonna sink but buy god its going to be epic.
 
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God bless ya champ.

cj said:
Im sitting here in my bed paralyzed with anxiety. I am afraid of robbers, blood clots, and a million other things that didn't bother me before. I am starting to doubt my own resolve. Maybe I should just get back on benzos? Or heroin? Or maybe I should stop the roller coaster myself while I still can. After my last suicide attempt I had a recurring nightmare that I was really in a coma waiting to be declared brain dead. I cant stomach another failure like that.

I really fucked myself this time I think. I feel like I am on a bad LSD trip that will not end. I just took a Seroquel so I can hopefully sleep.
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Bro you have my deepest sympathy, NOTHING MORE VICIOUS THAAN A POTENT BENZO WITHDRAWAL. I will pray for you guy, good luck..
 
pashka said:
Bro you have my deepest sympathy, NOTHING MORE VICIOUS THAAN A POTENT BENZO WITHDRAWAL. I will pray for you guy, good luck..
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Thanks man I am back on benzos thankfully I guess? I am taking 2mg kpin a day dolled out by my parents. I do have gabapentin to play with though so its not all bad.

I had a good talk with my mom this morning. No rehab and no more counseling. I cant handle talking about the abuse. It drives me to use drugs recklessly. I am going to try to get normal enough to start school again in the fall to finish my social work degree. Then I am moving out of bham. To somewhere liberal.
 
CJ can you please check into a hospital or detox place? Even if it is just temporary. You did write how you had a psychotic break. At least you are with your family who can look after you, please do not kill yourself, and have a safe and happy new year and 2017.
 
It's great to have an educational goal, but I strongly recommend getting off drugs first. And I'm not trying to be insensitive, but what's going to prevent you from going on another RC benzo bender? What's changed, what are you going to do differently?
 
Captain.Heroin said:
It's great to have an educational goal, but I strongly recommend getting off drugs first. And I'm not trying to be insensitive, but what's going to prevent you from going on another RC benzo bender? What's changed, what are you going to do differently?
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Your right. Nothings going to stop me. I am just pleasing my parents. Eventually they will tire of it and kick me out. Then ill be flying a sign down by the crack houses begging for change and shit. I don't know where it ends bro. I try not to be pessimistic but the truth is I cant handle real life. I need to be in a chemical haze to function. Maybe ill die in an accident so people can say its tragic and not drug related. I just don't know. I have this mental illness that's killing me as sure as cancer. PTSD is eating my soul. Bit by bit day by day.

Oh well the kpin is melting under my tongue. I am going to play xbox.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
It's great to have an educational goal, but I strongly recommend getting off drugs first. And I'm not trying to be insensitive, but what's going to prevent you from going on another RC benzo bender? What's changed, what are you going to do differently?
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I agree with this. CJ It is great to have goals for education, a job, and moving, but focus on yourself and get completely sober before you go back to university or move to a new area of the country or another state. Drugs, dealers, and people that use drugs are going to be anywhere that you move to, and you have to realize you cannot use them.

Otherwise nothing is going to stop you from relapsing, or getting addicted to other drugs in a new state or new area, like you've had happen now with coke. Stay far away from that dealer.

What is stopping you from going to a hospital or detox place or rehab? Are you afraid of getting sober? Or do you tell yourself that you can get sober on your own? Or do you feel like a failure?

Don't beat yourself up about using coke and other drugs, but see it as a learning experience that tells you that you can't use drugs, and need help to get sober. There's nothing wrong with being an addict, or asking for help to get sober or with going to a hospital, detox, or rehab.

Sometimes for a lot of us addicts it works best to quit drugs in steps, but for other people rehab and detox, and stopping using all drugs with the help of a medical professional are the only options especially with benzos, alcohol, and other drugs.

I remember when you were sober and things were going well, and you can get sober again, but going to a rehab or hospital or detox place is the best and safest option especially with the benzos, and to get away from the dealer and other sources for drugs.

Have you told your parents any of what you wrote here about the PTSD, etc.? Or how you need their support and love?

I hope you have a safe new year's eve, and a wonderful 2017.
 
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Your right. Nothings going to stop me. I am just pleasing my parents. Eventually they will tire of it and kick me out. Then ill be flying a sign down by the crack houses begging for change and shit. I don't know where it ends bro. I try not to be pessimistic but the truth is I cant handle real life. I need to be in a chemical haze to function. Maybe ill die in an accident so people can say its tragic and not drug related. I just don't know. I have this mental illness that's killing me as sure as cancer. PTSD is eating my soul. Bit by bit day by day.

Oh well the kpin is melting under my tongue. I am going to play xbox.
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I read your thread every day, but have zero experience with benzo wds and am so early in my recovery that I don't have much to offer. But I had to jump in and say that your post above is scary. You talk about what is happening to you as if you are observing it from afar. You need to not just realize the problem (which you have). You know you need help, right? What is stopping you from getting help? Do you still think you can do it on your own?

You are sinking further and further into this hole! And unless I'm missing something, you seem to be accepting that by clearly stating your aware how badly this will all end yet not doing anything to stop it.

What can any of us do to help you? It's hard to watch you go through this and not know how to help. Just know how many people here love you and want to help in any way they can. My thoughts are with you, CJ.

- VE
 
VastEmpty said:
I read your thread every day, but have zero experience with benzo wds and am so early in my recovery that I don't have much to offer. But I had to jump in and say that your post above is scary. You talk about what is happening to you as if you are observing it from afar. You need to not just realize the problem (which you have). You know you need help, right? What is stopping you from getting help? Do you still think you can do it on your own?

You are sinking further and further into this hole! And unless I'm missing something, you seem to be accepting that by clearly stating your aware how badly this will all end yet not doing anything to stop it.

What can any of us do to help you? It's hard to watch you go through this and not know how to help. Just know how many people here love you and want to help in any way they can. My thoughts are with you, CJ.

- VE
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I am sorry. I shouldn't ask people I have so much love and respect for watch me self destruct. I have been on your side of the thread countless times while others destruct so I am not oblivious too the helplessness and frustration your probably feeling

This morning me and mom where talking about my life. As soon as a started getting too deep into talking about the sexual abuse she goes "Stop!!!! save that for your counselor". I was flabbergasted. If only I had the luxury she does of not having to think about it. Its just such a horrible thing to talk about, think about, know about, ect.

I live with memories darker than her fantasies. But I have to figure out how to live with these memories. Therapists say I have to forgive. Friends say I have to forget. Parents say I need to be sober. Only child. I think I am here for something I just don't know what it is. Maybe its simply saving someone from an OD or as big as opening a a needle exchange harm reduction safe shooting gallery in the US. I don't know. But I do know that 2017 is a new year new start. So we shall see what happens.


Also benzo habit stabilized at 2mg kpin a day. 1mg in AM 1 mg in PM. Gonna cut am dose to .75mg tomorrow with 1mg pm dose. see how it goes.


Thanks for hanging with me through this massive thread. I truly do love you guys. This place is home to me. Wherever I am bluelight is there. Plus home is where the heart is.
 
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