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Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

  • Thread starter Thread starter cj
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The therapist I saw today who practices emdr therapy said she would only work with me if I got off methadone. But would be fine with me being on subixone. I think I'm just gonna lie about tapering off methadone as I like her otherwise. Now I'm waiting at a Crack motel for my bEnzo dealer who may or may not come. I hate this mother fucker so much.
 
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Moreaux said:
What is her aversion to methadone?
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She couldn't even articulate a reason honestly. She made a number of false statements about subxone as well. Methadone has a ton of stigma around it down in the south. I am going to continue seeing her without tapering. Since she is not writing me medication there will be no information exchanged between her and the clinic.

I also found out her business partner is certified to write subs. I hate to make assumptions but yeah that's one hell of a conflict of interest.
 
I thought the exact same thing!!!

Hey, benzo withdrawal isn't easy man. I've been there myself. I kept telling Dr's in rehab I felt like I ate a high dose mushroom trip and it had turned on me. I said this over and over and over. Don't give in man. What got me through was this thought " I could never make it this long again so keep riding it out, it has to get better" I'm not going to lie and say it's going to get better tomorrow but keep going ! You can do this. Pm me if you need any information or questions about what is going on with you right now. I promise you it is possible. I've done it ( 3 years clean) I was on 16 mgs of alprozolam, my rxed valium until I ate them all a day after fuming it and 12 mgs suboxen and I did it. Can you get into a rehab or even a hospital? Detoxing from benzos at home isn't a good idea at all seriously

cj said:
Im sitting here in my bed paralyzed with anxiety. I am afraid of robbers, blood clots, and a million other things that didn't bother me before. I am starting to doubt my own resolve. Maybe I should just get back on benzos? Or heroin? Or maybe I should stop the roller coaster myself while I still can. After my last suicide attempt I had a recurring nightmare that I was really in a coma waiting to be declared brain dead. I cant stomach another failure like that.

I really fucked myself this time I think. I feel like I am on a bad LSD trip that will not end. I just took a Seroquel so I can hopefully sleep.
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ANewKindOfArmy said:
Hey, benzo withdrawal isn't easy man. I've been there myself. I kept telling Dr's in rehab I felt like I ate a high dose mushroom trip and it had turned on me. I said this over and over and over. Don't give in man. What got me through was this thought " I could never make it this long again so keep riding it out, it has to get better" I'm not going to lie and say it's going to get better tomorrow but keep going ! You can do this. Pm me if you need any information or questions about what is going on with you right now. I promise you it is possible. I've done it ( 3 years clean) I was on 16 mgs of alprozolam, my rxed valium until I ate them all a day after fuming it and 12 mgs suboxen and I did it. Can you get into a rehab or even a hospital? Detoxing from benzos at home isn't a good idea at all seriously
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Right now I have a weeks worth of etizolam that I am using to taper down further with. When I make the final jump im going to tell my therapist I am suicidal and get committed for a few days so I will be somewhere safe. That's the current plan anyway. Your description of benzo withdrawal is spot on man! Its like a never ending bad trip on LSD or Shrooms.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
By the way, regarding your plan, do you realize in 1 week from now it'll be very close to Christmas?

Best of luck man, hope you're holding up today.
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Yeah it's even worse then that. I'm supposed to be on a plane to Philadelphia for a few days after christmas. I dnot know what to do. I have 6.5mg of etizolam right now.. 2mg a day will keep me comfortable. I'm going to try and cut it down to 1mg a day tommorow .5 doses twice a day. Do that until I run out and hope for the best.

Other option is to eat all the benzos tommorow and go to the ER. Get put on a phych hold and be detoxes by christmas and the trip. I don't know what the right call is man

Man im so fucked. But honestly if you had to live with my mom you would be a drug addict too.

Or maybe I hit up an urgent care doctor and beg for a small Valium script. I'm going to keep searching for benzos. If I can just keep this together through January first I wI'll have some option.
 
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cj said:
Yeah it's even worse then that. I'm supposed to be on a plane to Philadelphia for a few days after christmas. I dnot know what to do. I have 6.5mg of etizolam right now.. 2mg a day will keep me comfortable. I'm going to try and cut it down to 1mg a day tommorow .5 doses twice a day. Do that until I run out and hope for the best.

Other option is to eat all the benzos tommorow and go to the ER. Get put on a phych hold and be detoxes by christmas and the trip. I don't know what the right call is man

Man im so fucked. But honestly if you had to live with my mom you would be a drug addict too.

Or maybe I hit up an urgent care doctor and beg for a small Valium script. I'm going to keep searching for benzos. If I can just keep this together through January first I wI'll have some option.
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If your mom is affecting you so negatively, it is possible to move out, or to be out of the house as much as humanly possible.

I wouldn't "eat all the benzos", that sounds like a bad idea. You know you'll just suffer a lot.

What do you have going on in Philadelphia?

You can obviously try to get a benzo script. I've done that before, but not out of necessity. I don't think it's the wisest choice, but it's an available option.
 
My step dads family lives in philly so we are going to visit them slash have a "family vacation". I have no money no job and no where else to go or I would man. I am trying to get on disability for my PTSD but that's a process that can take years. I don't mean to make my mom out to be a horrible person because she is not. She just has an undiagnosed mental illness she refuses to get help for so she comes home from work everyday cussing yelling throwing shit. Even though shes the one who wanted 16 indoor cats in a 900 square foot house. I try to help out but its just overwhelming and if I make a mistake while trying to help she fucking blows up at me to the point where its easier to just hide in my room then deal with her.

I dunno man I am sure everyone is sick of my bitching on and offline but I just feel so lost. I really wish I would of died doing heroin. People tell me the clinics up in philly have people selling bars out front of them. Ive scored heroin in Kensington before while up there on a family trip maybe I can get enough benzos to make it through. Once this all passes im going into the phych ward or I am killing myself I just cant go on like this. I would rather be dead. Fuck what others think.
 
I have a counselor I just started seeing that is going to do some emdr therapy so I am going to ask her to refer me to a pjychiatrist who can put me on a real benzo taper. My mom refuses to see a therapist for her issues for whatever reason. I got 20mg more etizolam today so I should have enough for a proper taper now. If all else fails I am going to get through thje holidays and then go back to UAB for another inpatient beno taper with more of a plan for what to do afterwards. I really want to get back in school or return to waiting tables. I don't want to do either in my current city though. I want to go somewhere bigger with a public mass transportation system. I am thinking Minneapolis, seattle, or who knows?

I appreciate the mods letting this thread go on for so long with just me bitching and whining. Everyone has given so me really excellent advice. This forum is an amazing place. I jope you each have a joyful day
 
I vote urgent care doctor. It isn't by any means much of a solution, as it would probably only realistically hold you a day or two... My heart goes out to you D, this fucking sucks. Nothing like the holidays...

Just reread your last post. As long as you have enough benzos to get you through the holidays you'll make it. I feel that that is the best thing to hope for right now, just getting through without to much drama or fuss than is absolutely necessary. Then again, I do know drama is your middle name cj, but you can at least try ;) Hang in there my friend! Give me a call if you want to chat <3
 
benzo withdrawal is not the same as heroin withdrawal. i read somewhere that you can actually die from benzo withdrawal. so, i would advise you to keep taking it, or at least maybe ween yourself off.
 
oh man. i feel bad for you. i want you to get well. the best thing that you can do is get a doctor that can taper you off this thing. If not, then if you have some benzos, take the minimal amount of benzos to function. like only if you are having side effects/withdrawal, just take a little bit each time. Please do not go cold turkey. You will be in a lot of pain if you do, and you can actually die from benzo withdrawal. that's all I have to say. be well, and you can always PM me or start another thread on here.
 
deadendgame said:
oh man. i feel bad for you. i want you to get well. the best thing that you can do is get a doctor that can taper you off this thing. If not, then if you have some benzos, take the minimal amount of benzos to function. like only if you are having side effects/withdrawal, just take a little bit each time. Please do not go cold turkey. You will be in a lot of pain if you do, and you can actually die from benzo withdrawal. that's all I have to say. be well, and you can always PM me or start another thread on here.
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Yeah man its no joke. If I ever end up running completely out before the end of the taper ill drag myself to the ER again.
 
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