Benzo addiction/Attempted suicide

[truncate909]

I'd like to detail my back ground a little bit, I've been clinically depressed for the last 9 years and have received anti depressants and various forms of counselling I didn't find helpful. I eventually settled on taking Mirtazapine daily.

A friend recommended benzos to me when my anxiety got worse about 4 years ago. I started on Etizolam, and was then eventually prescribed Diazepam. Due to a slightly older doctor, in a rural location, I was given an open ended prescription, starting with 2's, then 5's, then 10's, 56 tablets every two weeks, one to be taken daily.

I was happy to start with, then started saving some to take all at once, then started drinking (after a while heavily) on them. When the buzz from that died, I started obtaining them illicitly. Sampling pretty much every commonly know benzo in the UK and the States. Needless to say my tolerance got high, to the point where I was taking a couple of hundred MG of Diazepam (or equivalent) a day, sometimes more. There's something that puzzles me at this point, as at the time I was a musician and doing quite well, becoming quite respected. I was "almost" happy at that time, travelling and socialising frequently to perform or DJ. In retrospect I think without the drugs I wouldn't of felt like that, and couldn't of socialised in that manner, but that doesn't really matter now.

Quite soon my friends noticed what was going on, and after an incident involving large amounts of alprozam, ketamine and brandy, and a gig I was meant to play, they became very concerned. I'd been blacking out a lot, and before I took substances and drank, I knew the consequences. I knew I might not wake up, and it didn't bother me at all. I still don't understand why. This continued for some time, most of which I can't remember, leading to me stopping making and performing music and essentially (in my eyes) losing my identity. I became more and more insular, and lost my license for drink driving. Luckily no one was hurt, but it shook my confidence a lot.

Just after Christmas, I was rushed to A & E, after purposely taking an absurd amount of diazepam and drinking a bottle of whiskey as fast as I could. This was the first and only time I felt like I didn't want to wake up, although I can give no real reason as to why. I didn't want to live that life anymore I guess, and wanted to die. On awakening in hospital, the doctors couldn't believe the amounts I was claiming to be taking, and thought what I was saying was wasted rubbish. I pleaded with them to take me seriously and let me speak to someone about my problem, but in hindsight I might not of made much sense. After some tests I was discharged, but having taken all of my "stash" on the night in question, and with no way to get any more, I had a seizure some days later. After that they started listening, and on my second discharge from hospital, I was put in contact with a new doctor, and a drug advisor.

My drug advisor was a nice guy, large but gentle. I knew I'd have to be honest with him, and I told him I was determined to kick my addiction. After a while we built a great rapport, and I genuinely enjoyed his company, sadly now he has been promoted, although his replacement seems pleasant enough. At the same time I was appointed a new doctor, and was put on 60mg of Diazepam a day to start with, purely to avoid seizure. The first three weeks were hard, with my doctor reducing me from 60mg, to 50 and then 40mg, explaining that with large dose dependancies, reductions that big could be made effectively and with no issues. I didn't really understand, I felt numb and very sick, but he was right. After stabilising on 40mg for a week or so, I was told that I was to start a taper... 2mg every two weeks.

Luckily, with perseveration I'm now down to 18mg a day, and have recently started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which seems to be going well. Along with the Diazepam, I am prescribed 600mg of Gabapentin for pains I get around my back and neck, which started soon after the taper began, as well as 30mg Mirtazapine for my mood.

I'm now feeling a bit lost. Everything feels so hard now, and I have no self belief or sense of self worth. I spend most of my days just watching TV shows and moping around, although I am trying to socialise more, and want to start exercising. Recently I started to very occasionally drink heavily again, ultimately leaving me feeling ashamed and confused for days afterwards.

I am able to function now, but I still feel I can't do the things I love, or see people I've missed dearly, which is upsetting me greatly. If anyone could offer some help or guidance, I would greatly appreciate it. I'm very insular now, and even if I do see my friends I feel I can't talk to them about this.

Sorry for the essay, this is the first time I've written it all down and its been quite hard. Quite a lot is hazy as I'm sure you can imagine.

Thanks,

T

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Interesting, I was told the seizure limit was 40mg when I rocked up with a 200mg habit asking for help. I had to get myself down to 40mg (well, my last illicit dose was 50mg) and I wasn't given any help. Luckily I ended up getting myself down relatively easily.

Prescribing another GABA drug because you're getting pains when you reduce is absolute madness, you're going to get aches and pains when reducing.

Every morning when you wake up ask yourself what you're going to do towards you recovery, if the answer is nothing then change that. The small changes will soon grow to things greater than you could imagine. Sometimes I find I need a kick up the arse to get myself out there doing positive stuff.

 

[truncate909]

My mind was foggy at the time, have no recollection of a strict seizure limit being mentioned, although I did write my doses on my calendar and I'm sure I started on 60. My last dose was around 300 with a bottle of whiskey, although I doubt that makes much difference.

In regards to the GABA drug, my doctor talked to me about how it had the potential to elevate mood, as well as kill pain. I think the decision was based on the fact that they would suit my Mirtazapine well, and I have noticed a positive difference in mood. I've been on Mirtaz for 8 years now, and kind of decided 30mg is the dose I like, 45 or 60 is too much, and 15 is too little. The two drugs seem to work well, its not eliminated my pain completely, but I feel better and less anxious. This has been a recent addition (last month or so), so I'm still a little weary of it.

Thank you for the advice, I have been able to "get myself going" a couple of days recently, but I have peaks and troughs mood wise. I will re-read your post in the morning, use it as inspiration and attempt to make a positive change, however minor. It's great to see someone who has conquered this, at the moment it seems almost un-imaginable

 

[hangyourhead]

I want to die right now. Addicted to MMT and benzos, as well as becoming an alcoholic.

 

[truncate909]

Is MMT Methadone? My thoughts are with you man, however meaningless that seems. If you haven't already, seek help, professional help. I was terrified they'd make me feel like a complete waste of flesh, but it wasn't like that at all. I truly hope things get better for you.

 

[herbavore]

Hey, truncate, that sounds like an incredibly rough time. I would imagine that it is hard to tease apart the after effects of the drug and alcohol abuse and the PTSD from having attempted a serious suicide and survived. Add to that whatever emotional pain may have contributed to your substance abuse in the first place and it makes perfect sense that you are feeling lost and overwhelmed.

Have you ever tried any meditation or mindfulness exercises? They can work wonders for becoming comfortable with emotions and gaining perspective on the way we hold ourselves in pain with our thoughts (which can be changed). I have found it to be very positive in a slow almost imperceptible way--but a very profound shift that has me feeling very strong now. I think CBT is also very powerful and they overlap and compliment each other nicely.

Welcome to Bluelight and TDS.

 

[truncate909]

Hi Herbavore,

Thank you for your understanding and detailed comments. Diazepam felt like it helped with my depression and anxiety, but obviously with booze and illegals getting involved, things took a more sinister turn. I think the drink driving incident had a massive impact on me, having never been arrested, locked in a cell (for what felt like an eternity) or gone to court. I think worse of all was having to come home to my parents and explain what had happened, they were ashamed, I felt completely demoralised.

Since my attempt on my own life in early January I have rarely left my room, with the exception of very infrequently handing in University work (I'm also a student in my mid 20's). I seem to have passed the year, but have no idea how, having not attended any of my second semester lecturers, simply catching up online.

In regards to Mindfulness, I did read a book by Jon Kabat-Zin a few years ago, but pretty much all the information is now forgotten due to my drug abuse. Also, to be completely honest, I didn't practice any of it either, and was very stubborn in the belief that nothing but those blue pills could help, luckily I'm not like that anymore.

Could you recommend me some literature on both Mindfulness and meditation? I would really appreciate it.


Thank you for welcoming me Bluelight and the TDS, I've been lurking for years and it has really helped me in times of need.

T

 

[herbavore]

I found Pema Chodron's books to be very helpful. When Things Fall Apart is the one that comes to mind. You can also listen to podcasts by Tara Brach or Eckhart Tolle.

 

[THCisgod]

Im in the same moping stage. Like its bad, been sober from 6mg xanad a day for 50 days and I feel like im never gonna get out of this slump, I try to make my self do things and sometimes its O.K like i can stand it but others I freak the fuck out and have to leave, I think about killing myself all day every other day or so. I just try to tell my self things WILL get better. Just never give up man, im really not one to speak cuz ive attempted suicide multiple times sense i was 12 years old and the last 3 or so ive had nights like the one you had almost every weekend. Combined meth 6mg of xanax and 90+mg of oc a day plus h and what ever else I got my grubby little hands on. I like to think as religious as i am not, that this is a clear sign we were meant to be here brotha. Thank you for the book recommendations everyone, excited to try and read something not just about addiction (read 3 or 4 in the past month lol) that I can take something from haha

 

[truncate909]

I found Pema Chodron's books to be very helpful. When Things Fall Apart is the one that comes to mind. You can also listen to podcasts by Tara Brach or Eckhart Tolle.

Thank you very much for the recommendations, will look in to them today. Much appreciated.

 

[truncate909]

Im in the same moping stage. Like its bad, been sober from 6mg xanad a day for 50 days and I feel like im never gonna get out of this slump, I try to make my self do things and sometimes its O.K like i can stand it but others I freak the fuck out and have to leave, I think about killing myself all day every other day or so. I just try to tell my self things WILL get better. Just never give up man, im really not one to speak cuz ive attempted suicide multiple times sense i was 12 years old and the last 3 or so ive had nights like the one you had almost every weekend. Combined meth 6mg of xanax and 90+mg of oc a day plus h and what ever else I got my grubby little hands on. I like to think as religious as i am not, that this is a clear sign we were meant to be here brotha. Thank you for the book recommendations everyone, excited to try and read something not just about addiction (read 3 or 4 in the past month lol) that I can take something from haha

Hey man, I'll really sorry to hear about your problems, but it's great that you are sober now. Well done.

When I was dosing mass amounts of benzos with large quantities of booze, I was kind of playing "chicken" with life or death (if that makes sense?) A definite feeling of "if I don't wake up, I don't, if I do, oh well". Which in retrospect was very very dangerous, but nothing like a considered suicide. When I decided to kill myself it was meticulously thought out and planned, I was very determined. Was a very very strange thing, although thankfully I remember little from it. Luckily I was found passed out in the hall, for some reason (!?), and my mum noticed me as she needed to use the bathroom at night. If I had been in my bedroom, things might have ended quite differently.

I must admit, my low mood has taken me to suicidal thoughts quite often of late, although I know I won't act on them. It's more of a "why should I bother, this is too hard, it would be easier to just not exist" type thing. Luckily I'm able to shake them after a while, until something else happens that puts me in a bad mood, or makes me anxious.

I agree with that statement completely, maybe it is a sign that we are meant to be here. I'm not a religious person either, but the things we have endured could of easily killed other people, yet we are still here. Just got to keep fighting now. Thanks for the inspiring words, please keep in touch and let me know how you are going from time to time.