Being here feels inevitable

[Sp4rky]

Hi to anyone reading this. I’d figure I’d post a little introduction or sum, in a talkative mood.

I’m an 18 year old from the Netherlands. Have felt a certain inevitability when it comes to using substances since elementary school and have been using anything and everything I can get my hands on since.

Drug of choice would be MDMA for sure, but trying to keep my xtc use occasional as to not lose the magic. Slightly falling into a speed habit at the moment, craving really badly rn but it’s evening here and ughh sleep and shit, so instead I’m stoned rn and might snort some tramadol later today (only thing being chronically ill is good for ig, kinda hate tramadol tho, prefer morphine)

Decided to join here as I’ve been lurking for a while and don’t want to bother my mostly non-druggie friends with my shit.

Other than that uhhh I’m pretty self aware I’d say, I can tell I’m in the exploring honeymoon phase with hard drugs rn and I know myself well enough, I get addicted to pretty much everything I touch. Truth is that getting high has been my main reason for living, so on we roll I guess. Mostly use to feel something, I think a big part of my fascination for drugs is my adhd, always need to be experiencing something extreme.

Trying to do some harm reduction here and there, thank god my country has free lab testing & such.

That’s it basically, how are y’all doing today? Open for conversations or whatever, always interesting hearing other people’s experiences.

 

[Robi]

 

[bvc]

That’s it basically, how are y’all doing today? Open for conversations or whatever, always interesting hearing other people’s experiences.

Glad you're here.

Really glad to hear your country has free lab testing. Especially as someone in the U.S. The street market gets really hairy here.

Where does your user pic come from (just curious)?

 

[Sp4rky]

Glad you're here.

Really glad to hear your country has free lab testing. Especially as someone in the U.S. The street market gets really hairy here.

Where does your user pic come from (just curious)?

Ahh that sucks ass… free or at least freely being able to get stuff tested should be the standard tbh

Profile pic I just got from pinterest aha, uncomfortable using pictures I made myself for privacy & such

 

[onetwocatpoo]

Glad you're here for harm reduction! I was checking out Bluelight and other resources from a super young age but never joined for the longest time. Eventually joined at least a decade ago. Maybe 18-20ish like you.

Using stuff young too.

Here and other resources have potentially saved my life helping me with dosing and for a decades of my life keeping me safe from contraindications of mixing with a medication I was on.

You're doing the right thing seeking harm reduction.

I wouldn't bother snorting tramadol over oral and also be careful of contraindications and dosage. Like you can't mix it with many stims like speed. Don't mix with MDMA either. There's a long list of dangerous mixes with tramadol that can cause serotonin syndrome (such as many of the most common antidepressants) and too much tramadol can cause seizures. If you want something weaker on the opioid scale like tram you'd be safer with codeine, DHC or do less morphine etc. My best high was from DHC and I'm in the process of coming off of H.

You sound very similar to me back at your age and I just don't want you to end up where I am. However it's all up to you and I can't make choices for you. I wish I'd not let it mess with my brain so young and stopped most things at 18. Eventually ended up on H too. Never expected it. Would've never thought of doing it. Had a huge stigma for it and I never hung with people who did it. Consciously avoided that too once hooked. Ended up where I did either way. Now 7yrs has basically disappeared and passed me by and I'm trying to get off of it. I won't be T total and believe it's different for everyone so don't see this as me being like "mergh drugs are bad, stay sober forever".

As you've said you're self aware. So was I though and it continued to spiral but I don't wanna go on and on.

Hows my day/night been.

Had a great time with a friend who's helped me get something I need that's helping me get off of H. We spent the night just talking and stuff.

I didn't have a great taxi trip as they gave 1 star even though I did nothing wrong, was sober, friendly, didn't smell of anything, slam door etc. Dude was off immediately so that's annoyed me as I haven't used Uber in a decade either and I had a few bad ratings because I'd use it to get drunk/too messy friends home and sometimes one who stunk of weed. It turns out many don't accept ratings under like 4.7-4.8 which is insane really. Hate the rating system tbh but got home safe. Now I'm trying to find something to watch to go to sleep.

I'm interested in going into more depth on how/why you think your fascination is due to adhd. Also, any movie/tv show recommendations?

 

[notsmokeymcpot42088]

That is some black mirror shit -- your online rating isn't good enough to pay for a ride... Hate apps.

Welcome to BL ---- I think you said you were 18? Im going to give you the talk I would give me kid as I don't have one. Try and stick to pot, do your research on anything you use, never use alone. Avoid meth and crack particularly.

MOST IMPORTANTLY -- these are important years in your life. Wasting years 18-28 sitting around stoned on the couch will throw your life trajectory off forever -- whereas idk 50-60 not gunna change life trajectory. So don't just sit around and get high for the next 15 yrs; productivity/identity establishment wise they are very important years.

Don't get caught. If you do keep your mouth f*cking shut get a lawyer and continue keeping your mouth shut. (Really "Am I free to go" and "I would like to exercise my right to counsel" -- You have that in NL right?

Have fun and never call me with your problems!

Don't TRUST YOUR FRIENDS. No really; trust them LESS.

 

[Sp4rky]

Glad you're here for harm reduction! I was checking out Bluelight and other resources from a super young age but never joined for the longest time. Eventually joined at least a decade ago. Maybe 18-20ish like you.

Using stuff young too.

Here and other resources have potentially saved my life helping me with dosing and for a decades of my life keeping me safe from contraindications of mixing with a medication I was on.

You're doing the right thing seeking harm reduction.

I wouldn't bother snorting tramadol over oral and also be careful of contraindications and dosage. Like you can't mix it with many stims like speed. Don't mix with MDMA either. There's a long list of dangerous mixes with tramadol that can cause serotonin syndrome (such as many of the most common antidepressants) and too much tramadol can cause seizures. If you want something weaker on the opioid scale like tram you'd be safer with codeine, DHC or do less morphine etc. My best high was from DHC and I'm in the process of coming off of H.

You sound very similar to me back at your age and I just don't want you to end up where I am. However it's all up to you and I can't make choices for you. I wish I'd not let it mess with my brain so young and stopped most things at 18. Eventually ended up on H too. Never expected it. Would've never thought of doing it. Had a huge stigma for it and I never hung with people who did it. Consciously avoided that too once hooked. Ended up where I did either way. Now 7yrs has basically disappeared and passed me by and I'm trying to get off of it. I won't be T total and believe it's different for everyone so don't see this as me being like "mergh drugs are bad, stay sober forever".

As you've said you're self aware. So was I though and it continued to spiral but I don't wanna go on and on.

Hows my day/night been.

Had a great time with a friend who's helped me get something I need that's helping me get off of H. We spent the night just talking and stuff.

I didn't have a great taxi trip as they gave 1 star even though I did nothing wrong, was sober, friendly, didn't smell of anything, slam door etc. Dude was off immediately so that's annoyed me as I haven't used Uber in a decade either and I had a few bad ratings because I'd use it to get drunk/too messy friends home and sometimes one who stunk of weed. It turns out many don't accept ratings under like 4.7-4.8 which is insane really. Hate the rating system tbh but got home safe. Now I'm trying to find something to watch to go to sleep.

I'm interested in going into more depth on how/why you think your fascination is due to adhd. Also, any movie/tv show recommendations?

Hmm yeah, learnt the hard way that tramadol should not be combined with uppers, felt really good mixing it with speed, but afterwards I felt like I was dying, learned my lesson on that one I suppose.

Tramadol does suck, currently all I have sadly and codeine is hard to get here cuz it’s always in low quantities and with tons of paracetamol.

Also noo, that sucks that the taxi driver was shitty… I always thought it to be kinda weird that many taxi drivers sometimes straight up refuse to take people who are drunk or high, as if a big part of getting a taxi isn’t to avoid driving while under the influence…Would be understandable if someone makes a scene, but merely smelling like weed or whatever shouldn’t be a reason to leave such a negative review .—. That’s my opinion anyway

 

[Sp4rky]

I'm interested in going into more depth on how/why you think your fascination is due to adhd. Also, any movie/tv show recommendations?

Ahh yes ofc! I think what I meant more with that is my neurodivergency in general, specifically my autism and adhd combo.

I’ve grown up struggling with depression and some traumatic stuff. Around ages 8-10 I had first heard about drugs, I specifically remember the typical ‘drugs are bad’ talks and a specific popular Dutch song where MDMA got mentioned. I remember thinking about the fact that if drugs are bad and illegal, but people still do them, then they must make you feel good.

So I started googling a bunch, specifically a lot about MDMA, and just remember hearing how the euphoria and love effect was described and how all I could think was ‘I have to try that when I get older’. Drugs in general became this kinda autistic research obsession for me.

Then when I went to middle/high school (same thing here) when I was 12, I fell really deep into depression and feeling suicidal, coped in every unhealthy way possible, just doing dumb stuff that I hoped would get me high. Funnily enough alchohol was never an obsession tho, mostly because I was scared of the calories during my eating disorder years. Eventually I got my first weed dealer around age 14-15, which at first was really positive.

Weed helped me recover from anorexia and I still really fucking love weed, but I still had that nagging feeling of wanting to feel something more extreme. I’m not sure why I’ve always felt like that, but I hypothesize my adhd could play a part, because dopamine deficiency = constantly looking for something new when the dopamine runs out in my current habits.

But yeah, life to me has always felt like a revolving door of coping with my neurodivergent brain that makes everything feel overwhelming and wrong. Went from self harm, to eating disorder to drugs, keep replacing one addiction with another, I always need something to not lose my shit
I suppose and drugs for me fill that gap like nothing else has.

Hope your day goes well, I feel like it would be hard or sad seeing someone similar to you get into the same habits that got you into H, I appreciate you sharing your experience!

 

[Sp4rky]

That is some black mirror shit -- your online rating isn't good enough to pay for a ride... Hate apps.

Welcome to BL ---- I think you said you were 18? Im going to give you the talk I would give me kid as I don't have one. Try and stick to pot, do your research on anything you use, never use alone. Avoid meth and crack particularly.

MOST IMPORTANTLY -- these are important years in your life. Wasting years 18-28 sitting around stoned on the couch will throw your life trajectory off forever -- whereas idk 50-60 not gunna change life trajectory. So don't just sit around and get high for the next 15 yrs; productivity/identity establishment wise they are very important years.

Don't get caught. If you do keep your mouth f*cking shut get a lawyer and continue keeping your mouth shut. (Really "Am I free to go" and "I would like to exercise my right to counsel" -- You have that in NL right?

Have fun and never call me with your problems!

Don't TRUST YOUR FRIENDS. No really; trust them LESS.

Thank you for the advice, definitely trying to do most of that yeah. Will be honest and say that I am not ready to give up hard drugs at this moment, but I do try to practice harm reduction where I can, which is part of why I’m here.

To a certain degree I hate when people keep telling me the ‘these are the most important years of your life’ but yeah, it is true and I do have to agree with that. I suppose that I’m ‘lucky’ in the sense that I’m mostly very functional while high, it’s a big part of why I use in the first place, because sober I feel crippled by my own brain and emotions. Do have trouble with nihilistic thinking for sure and I have my moodswings where I couldn’t give a damn about fucking up my life or about dying, but generally I’m trying my best to still work on creating something of a future I could be content with.

Also yess, definitely the way to go when you get caught. Luckily so far I’ve been good, but I am pretty educated on my rights and drug regulations, in my country there is even a very small ‘user amount’ of drugs you can carry with you, where the police cannot legally arrest you for it, they can only take your stuff, so I try to stay under those limits when it comes to what I carry with me in public.

 

[chokojpool]

extra welcomes just cause of the kitty profile pic

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Broë, Bro, Bru, brah! Slow your roll...

J/k wait.. welcome to bluelight.

But seriously drug are fun ad stuff but there is more out there. Not anti drug just don't think it should be soul purpose to breath fresh air ( depends where you staying lol ) but you got lots a time, have fun and safe.

 

[notsmokeymcpot42088]

Sound like you have a fine mindset. I am a bit jealous -- most if not all the harm drugs have caused me have been due to the illegal status. Never woulda went past pot probably but probation -- needed to sleep, late 90s a benzo script was just what they did. (around here at least).

Portugal, Netherlands? They accepting Americans, Affordability? That quickly I am asking you things lol

 

[Sp4rky]

Sound like you have a fine mindset. I am a bit jealous -- most if not all the harm drugs have caused me have been due to the illegal status. Never woulda went past pot probably but probation -- needed to sleep, late 90s a benzo script was just what they did. (around here at least).

Portugal, Netherlands? They accepting Americans, Affordability? That quickly I am asking you things lol

Yeah, I consider myself quite lucky, I live in the Netherlands. Here weed is at least being tolerated, you don’t get arrested if you have less than 5g on you and ofc the coffeeshops are awesome, because no dealer anymore. And there’s free testing services for most illegal substances, which is amazing because you don’t only get told what is in your stuff, but also exactly how much / how it is spread in pills for example. Saved me a lot of times from taking way too high doses, especially with the high quality xtc pills we have here.

Don’t know how the costs of living here would compare to where you’re from, but our country is at least pretty open to people moving here, especially Amsterdam is a very international city I suppose.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Ahh yes ofc! I think what I meant more with that is my neurodivergency in general, specifically my autism and adhd combo.

I’ve grown up struggling with depression and some traumatic stuff. Around ages 8-10 I had first heard about drugs, I specifically remember the typical ‘drugs are bad’ talks and a specific popular Dutch song where MDMA got mentioned. I remember thinking about the fact that if drugs are bad and illegal, but people still do them, then they must make you feel good.

So I started googling a bunch, specifically a lot about MDMA, and just remember hearing how the euphoria and love effect was described and how all I could think was ‘I have to try that when I get older’. Drugs in general became this kinda autistic research obsession for me.

Then when I went to middle/high school (same thing here) when I was 12, I fell really deep into depression and feeling suicidal, coped in every unhealthy way possible, just doing dumb stuff that I hoped would get me high. Funnily enough alchohol was never an obsession tho, mostly because I was scared of the calories during my eating disorder years. Eventually I got my first weed dealer around age 14-15, which at first was really positive.

Weed helped me recover from anorexia and I still really fucking love weed, but I still had that nagging feeling of wanting to feel something more extreme. I’m not sure why I’ve always felt like that, but I hypothesize my adhd could play a part, because dopamine deficiency = constantly looking for something new when the dopamine runs out in my current habits.

But yeah, life to me has always felt like a revolving door of coping with my neurodivergent brain that makes everything feel overwhelming and wrong. Went from self harm, to eating disorder to drugs, keep replacing one addiction with another, I always need something to not lose my shit
I suppose and drugs for me fill that gap like nothing else has.

Hope your day goes well, I feel like it would be hard or sad seeing someone similar to you get into the same habits that got you into H, I appreciate you sharing your experience!

Hi!

Can relate. I'm on the spectrum as well and have had clinical depression from my teenage years (official diagnosis age 19 after a major episode that lasted *months*, but I had symptoms from age 12). Now got PTSD / panic attacks on top of that because of some real bad shit that happened in my life.

Life has always felt 'too much', like I dunno how to function in the world. This is distressing because at the same time I love life and the world very much. I've also always been a sensation seeker and I've latched on to just about anything that gives a rewarding feeling to cope. As a kid that was relentlessly bullied sweets were my go-to comfort. I'd spend all my pocket money on them and had this little cupboard that was basically my 'secret stash' that was stuffed full of all kinds of chocolate, liquorice, gummies, you name it. Sort of a forerunner of what came later. Xd

... Then it was on to alcohol and by 17 I was using H.

Looks like we have a bit in common. Also welcome to Bluelight! Doe alsof u thuis bent.


PS and I still drink too much alcohol and eat too many sweets. And junk food.