Finally, after days, 3 have managed to restore signal so that I can use my dongle and access the internet through my laptop instead of my android. My vodafone signal is not particularly great in the flat either, so doing anything online was pretty difficult. It's fine though... I don't use the internet much apart from chatting to some friends on facebook or coming on here to see what the latest is.
It's so fucking cold at the moment it's unreal. I thought the winter would be mild but there's a ferocious chill in the air and I'm struggling to heat the flat. There's one storage heater in the whole place so I've got a halogen heater in my room and in the living room. I don't even have a bath so there's nowhere to submerge myself in warmth... although it's probably good as it would cost a fortune to heat a bath's worth of water every night. Sometimes I think I should move but I've got so comfortable in this space. It's a tiny flat, would probably fit in most people's living rooms... but it's a safe place for me to hide from the world and that's what I need. I've got an electric blanket on my bed so that will keep me warm tonight, and if I wear socks and keep the hood on my dressing gown up I shouldn't wake up chilly in the night.
Going back to work wasn't quite as bad as I feared, but I still worry that something will go wrong. I'm trying very hard to keep what confidence I've got as this appears to be the way to get through the days without crumbling. There's nothing really wrong with me... just that usual yearning feeling that I can't quite shift. My heart's still heavy but I don't know why.
I've not got anyone special in my life. I feel like my heart just kind of shut down and it feels safer to go through life without someone. There's no point sharing life with someone unless they're special and I've just not met anyone that fulfilled me in any way like Alan did all those years ago. I miss him terribly. We're probably very different in a lot of ways to the way that we used to be. Sometimes I feel sad because I feel like there's a lot of things about me now that he would probably like more than he did then. It's shit how things work out.![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Well, I'm fucking freezing, and I am up early tomorrow as Sarah's got an hour to work back... I'm so skint I need to get a lift in with her so I am gonna try and catch up on my workload. How fucking dedicated lickety split. Working for the man. Meh.
Sometimes I feel a bit dead inside. What happened to the wondrous things in life? There was a time where simple things made my life doubly good. Now I feel like I'm sleepwalking through life.
It's so fucking cold at the moment it's unreal. I thought the winter would be mild but there's a ferocious chill in the air and I'm struggling to heat the flat. There's one storage heater in the whole place so I've got a halogen heater in my room and in the living room. I don't even have a bath so there's nowhere to submerge myself in warmth... although it's probably good as it would cost a fortune to heat a bath's worth of water every night. Sometimes I think I should move but I've got so comfortable in this space. It's a tiny flat, would probably fit in most people's living rooms... but it's a safe place for me to hide from the world and that's what I need. I've got an electric blanket on my bed so that will keep me warm tonight, and if I wear socks and keep the hood on my dressing gown up I shouldn't wake up chilly in the night.
Going back to work wasn't quite as bad as I feared, but I still worry that something will go wrong. I'm trying very hard to keep what confidence I've got as this appears to be the way to get through the days without crumbling. There's nothing really wrong with me... just that usual yearning feeling that I can't quite shift. My heart's still heavy but I don't know why.
I've not got anyone special in my life. I feel like my heart just kind of shut down and it feels safer to go through life without someone. There's no point sharing life with someone unless they're special and I've just not met anyone that fulfilled me in any way like Alan did all those years ago. I miss him terribly. We're probably very different in a lot of ways to the way that we used to be. Sometimes I feel sad because I feel like there's a lot of things about me now that he would probably like more than he did then. It's shit how things work out.
Well, I'm fucking freezing, and I am up early tomorrow as Sarah's got an hour to work back... I'm so skint I need to get a lift in with her so I am gonna try and catch up on my workload. How fucking dedicated lickety split. Working for the man. Meh.
Sometimes I feel a bit dead inside. What happened to the wondrous things in life? There was a time where simple things made my life doubly good. Now I feel like I'm sleepwalking through life.