I can finally post blogs here now. It took me 4 years of being a member of Bluelight to finally get the necessary # of posts to do this. Finally I'm Blue.
I'm Blue in every sense of the word.
Today I'm dealing with the fallout of the explosion and disaster of yesterday. Its a long story, and to understand I'd have to go way back in time, but I'll start in November of last year, 2017. I've been in school, going back for a second degree, to become a Substance Use Disorder Councillor. I'm an addict, and I've lost so many friends to it, and I've put my family through a lot of bullshit. I've been in for 2 semesters, and I'm doing really well, almost top of my class, and I've been on the Deans List for the whole time, which is great.
My family really wanted me to complete my degree and enter the professional world ASAP. I need that bad, my life is crawling through slowly with nothing changing for the better. I thought I'd be able to graduate in 2 semesters. I told them this. I'm not sure why, but even after my advising appointment, where i learned i needed at least one more semester and a 12 credit practicum to finish it, I continued thelling them I was almost done. I guess I figured that I'd be able to come to them with the truth later, but in a way that didn't make me look like a shit head.
I always planned to tell them. but each day it was easier to put the truth off until tomorrow. It felt ok to do because I WAS going to come clean.
But it went on and on and on, getting deeper and deeper. Told them that I found a job, I was interviewed, that I was waiting for a call-back, that I GOT the call back, that I would be starting in mid Janurary, that they'd be giving me benefits and health insurance. It just kept getting more elaborate and deeper. By the time my start date came around I hadn't told them anything yet. So when It came around, well, I left the house all day, 9-5. Trying to figure out what to do. I've had to hide my financial aid information, because If they saw it they would know I wansnt actually done with my degree. I had to do A LOT of stuff to keep up the lie, it took me an absurd amount of effort just to maintain the neutral atmosphere of my new life.
Every question they had for me I had to think on my toes. It got to the point where I had so many lies that I'd make mistakes, and have to lie more to rationalize an explain the inconsistencies. The remained skeptical but I kept going. "Do you really have a job?" "you really graduated?'". So many questions. Every night I'd lay in bed, thinking of all the things I've said and explained and defended. How in the fuck was I going to get out of this?
By the time valentines day rolled around, I knew I was in way too deep. At this point I had more or less invested 100% of my families trust in me into this fake life I'd been feeding them. They constantly wanted to see my W2 form, or pay stubs, to ensure I wasn't lying. I couldn't produce them, so I had to fabricate stories of emergency's at work, or traveling to different towns for work to explain why I forgot my W2 this time.
This weekend though, it all crashed to bits. I was asked to offer definitive proof of my job. They routed around my stuff while i was working at my part time job (that I've had for awhile) and found my bank account log in information. Logged onto my account, and discovered I had nowhere near the amount of money I supposed to have. They asked me about the job and I tried to keep it going, but then they went dark, started accusing me of being addicted to hard hard drugs, or stealing. I reasoned that this was my time to come clean, I don't want them to believe that i spend $4000 a month on heroin and crack, so I told them that I did not have a job.
I quickly regretted this. They melted and exploded at the same time. I've rarely seen such rage before, and since it was my family, it was worse. I had gone too far. I put off telling the truth early on because it felt easier to maintain the status quo of the household, and to keep them off of my back long enough to figure out what to do to fix things. But, things rapidly escalated until I felt I was in wayy too deep. I was certain that If they found out, I would loose them 100% permanently, that there would be no way back, no way out, that things would be irreparably destroyed. I'd look at them and see that I was going to kill them if they knew the real story.
They found out though. Quickly. And boy o boy was that a cataclysmic event. Every night and day I've been worrying and obsessing over this elaborate illusion I've been working, swimming in the guilt of it all, an ice cold ocean that got deeper and more frigid with each lie I added; With each new day and each new lie I drifted further and further away from the shore line, and now I cannot see any land anywhere. I don't see salvation. Now that they know, It feels as though that knot of worry in my heart had been cut up and ripped apart, becoming evenly distributed throughout my entire body.
I was scared of the worry, and the anxiety of loosing the illusion I worked so hard to maintain. But now things are worse, because there is no way back, that path and all of its options have been washed away. This was such a monumentally disrespectful and selfish thing for me to do, and I very much doubt that I'll be able to regain any significant ammount of trust from them at all.
I've got no full time employment, my degree is halfway complete, but I wont be able to afford finishing it. The engine of my car seized, and I got no money from scrapping it, and I have barely enough money to continue to work my part time job. Worse still, I live with my family, my parents, and I eat their food and use their internet. They've given me so much, sacrificed so much, and I have more or less ruined their life with my dumb assed choices. I'm so far behind with my life, and I know that when they look at me they only see and ungrateful consumption engine, who just consumes and consumes and takes and steals and consumes some more. An engine that consumes value but only shit comes out in return.
The trust is gone for good, it wont return. Even if I am able to get back into their good graces, it can never be like it was before, not anywhere close.
Its so stupid. I did all of this in some wierd fucked up effort to keep the household positive. I wan trying to keep them from worry, they worry so much, but all it did was make the situation that could have just been a minor inconvenience or worry into an insurmountable violation of trust that will be the death of love and happiness in this household and family.
I'd kill myself or just pack my shit and leave, for anywhere, but I know that those things are the only things I could do that would make this worse than it already is. I wish I could go back and tell myself to never do this, but I guess you learn from your mistakes, and this is a big ass lesson.
I'm Blue in every sense of the word.
Today I'm dealing with the fallout of the explosion and disaster of yesterday. Its a long story, and to understand I'd have to go way back in time, but I'll start in November of last year, 2017. I've been in school, going back for a second degree, to become a Substance Use Disorder Councillor. I'm an addict, and I've lost so many friends to it, and I've put my family through a lot of bullshit. I've been in for 2 semesters, and I'm doing really well, almost top of my class, and I've been on the Deans List for the whole time, which is great.
My family really wanted me to complete my degree and enter the professional world ASAP. I need that bad, my life is crawling through slowly with nothing changing for the better. I thought I'd be able to graduate in 2 semesters. I told them this. I'm not sure why, but even after my advising appointment, where i learned i needed at least one more semester and a 12 credit practicum to finish it, I continued thelling them I was almost done. I guess I figured that I'd be able to come to them with the truth later, but in a way that didn't make me look like a shit head.
I always planned to tell them. but each day it was easier to put the truth off until tomorrow. It felt ok to do because I WAS going to come clean.
But it went on and on and on, getting deeper and deeper. Told them that I found a job, I was interviewed, that I was waiting for a call-back, that I GOT the call back, that I would be starting in mid Janurary, that they'd be giving me benefits and health insurance. It just kept getting more elaborate and deeper. By the time my start date came around I hadn't told them anything yet. So when It came around, well, I left the house all day, 9-5. Trying to figure out what to do. I've had to hide my financial aid information, because If they saw it they would know I wansnt actually done with my degree. I had to do A LOT of stuff to keep up the lie, it took me an absurd amount of effort just to maintain the neutral atmosphere of my new life.
Every question they had for me I had to think on my toes. It got to the point where I had so many lies that I'd make mistakes, and have to lie more to rationalize an explain the inconsistencies. The remained skeptical but I kept going. "Do you really have a job?" "you really graduated?'". So many questions. Every night I'd lay in bed, thinking of all the things I've said and explained and defended. How in the fuck was I going to get out of this?
By the time valentines day rolled around, I knew I was in way too deep. At this point I had more or less invested 100% of my families trust in me into this fake life I'd been feeding them. They constantly wanted to see my W2 form, or pay stubs, to ensure I wasn't lying. I couldn't produce them, so I had to fabricate stories of emergency's at work, or traveling to different towns for work to explain why I forgot my W2 this time.
This weekend though, it all crashed to bits. I was asked to offer definitive proof of my job. They routed around my stuff while i was working at my part time job (that I've had for awhile) and found my bank account log in information. Logged onto my account, and discovered I had nowhere near the amount of money I supposed to have. They asked me about the job and I tried to keep it going, but then they went dark, started accusing me of being addicted to hard hard drugs, or stealing. I reasoned that this was my time to come clean, I don't want them to believe that i spend $4000 a month on heroin and crack, so I told them that I did not have a job.
I quickly regretted this. They melted and exploded at the same time. I've rarely seen such rage before, and since it was my family, it was worse. I had gone too far. I put off telling the truth early on because it felt easier to maintain the status quo of the household, and to keep them off of my back long enough to figure out what to do to fix things. But, things rapidly escalated until I felt I was in wayy too deep. I was certain that If they found out, I would loose them 100% permanently, that there would be no way back, no way out, that things would be irreparably destroyed. I'd look at them and see that I was going to kill them if they knew the real story.
They found out though. Quickly. And boy o boy was that a cataclysmic event. Every night and day I've been worrying and obsessing over this elaborate illusion I've been working, swimming in the guilt of it all, an ice cold ocean that got deeper and more frigid with each lie I added; With each new day and each new lie I drifted further and further away from the shore line, and now I cannot see any land anywhere. I don't see salvation. Now that they know, It feels as though that knot of worry in my heart had been cut up and ripped apart, becoming evenly distributed throughout my entire body.
I was scared of the worry, and the anxiety of loosing the illusion I worked so hard to maintain. But now things are worse, because there is no way back, that path and all of its options have been washed away. This was such a monumentally disrespectful and selfish thing for me to do, and I very much doubt that I'll be able to regain any significant ammount of trust from them at all.
I've got no full time employment, my degree is halfway complete, but I wont be able to afford finishing it. The engine of my car seized, and I got no money from scrapping it, and I have barely enough money to continue to work my part time job. Worse still, I live with my family, my parents, and I eat their food and use their internet. They've given me so much, sacrificed so much, and I have more or less ruined their life with my dumb assed choices. I'm so far behind with my life, and I know that when they look at me they only see and ungrateful consumption engine, who just consumes and consumes and takes and steals and consumes some more. An engine that consumes value but only shit comes out in return.
The trust is gone for good, it wont return. Even if I am able to get back into their good graces, it can never be like it was before, not anywhere close.
Its so stupid. I did all of this in some wierd fucked up effort to keep the household positive. I wan trying to keep them from worry, they worry so much, but all it did was make the situation that could have just been a minor inconvenience or worry into an insurmountable violation of trust that will be the death of love and happiness in this household and family.
I'd kill myself or just pack my shit and leave, for anywhere, but I know that those things are the only things I could do that would make this worse than it already is. I wish I could go back and tell myself to never do this, but I guess you learn from your mistakes, and this is a big ass lesson.
