*** copied from BL journal ***
I'm noticing things about myself and realizing the legitimacy of things said in the various 12 Step fellowships.
For instance, its possible to be clean but still use. Just because we stop the drugs we can very well replace those drugs with other things. Tonight I went to hang out with 'M' and her son to watch a movie. I was excited to see them both but was a little nervous. A few years ago her son thought I was a cool guy. I was nervous because I know I have changed since then but am currently in the infant stage of awareness to the changes in my personality. I wanted to be sharp as a tack and try to mimic who I was when he knew me. Its very important to me to be accepted by her family, they are all amazing. Well, I used prior to driving to her house. I didn't partake in drugs but I used a legal substance in the form of one of those mini-bottle, long lasting energy drinks you'll find at the convenience store.
Hmmmmm, just because its legal doesn't mean its good for me. Also, the reason I drank it lends weight to how addicts like me will grab pretty much anything to alter themselves.
Well, the shit got me WIRED and gave me a fucked up stomach pain. So my attempt to be 'on the ball' due to my best thinking was quite contrary to my goal.
At least I'm learning, right?
We had the opportunity to talk and, I gotta tell ya, honesty is a motherfucker! She told me about her recent ex and a little bit of their history and my stomach just got weak, I was cringing internally and I was hurting from what I heard. But wait... THIS IS A GOOD THING! I've been so far away from reality and my self-centered life and thinking was so embedded in my behaviors and thoughts that I realized that I need to accept the repercussions of my actions. I still get sick to my stomach picturing someone else sleeping with her or even just touching her. She told me that she did love him, in a sense and hearing that sucked. However, if she was happy, secure and safe (which she deserves to be) then it isn't all that bad. It could have been much worse.
Pretty soon my rampant, erratic emotions will stabilize, I'll be more secure in myself and be more accepting of the realities of life.
She was positively glowing tonight. This made me remember all the goals I once had to be a better person (quitting smoking, exercising more, being more responsible, watching my fucking foul mouth, etc)
Its nice to be inspired.
I'm noticing things about myself and realizing the legitimacy of things said in the various 12 Step fellowships.
For instance, its possible to be clean but still use. Just because we stop the drugs we can very well replace those drugs with other things. Tonight I went to hang out with 'M' and her son to watch a movie. I was excited to see them both but was a little nervous. A few years ago her son thought I was a cool guy. I was nervous because I know I have changed since then but am currently in the infant stage of awareness to the changes in my personality. I wanted to be sharp as a tack and try to mimic who I was when he knew me. Its very important to me to be accepted by her family, they are all amazing. Well, I used prior to driving to her house. I didn't partake in drugs but I used a legal substance in the form of one of those mini-bottle, long lasting energy drinks you'll find at the convenience store.
Hmmmmm, just because its legal doesn't mean its good for me. Also, the reason I drank it lends weight to how addicts like me will grab pretty much anything to alter themselves.
Well, the shit got me WIRED and gave me a fucked up stomach pain. So my attempt to be 'on the ball' due to my best thinking was quite contrary to my goal.
At least I'm learning, right?
We had the opportunity to talk and, I gotta tell ya, honesty is a motherfucker! She told me about her recent ex and a little bit of their history and my stomach just got weak, I was cringing internally and I was hurting from what I heard. But wait... THIS IS A GOOD THING! I've been so far away from reality and my self-centered life and thinking was so embedded in my behaviors and thoughts that I realized that I need to accept the repercussions of my actions. I still get sick to my stomach picturing someone else sleeping with her or even just touching her. She told me that she did love him, in a sense and hearing that sucked. However, if she was happy, secure and safe (which she deserves to be) then it isn't all that bad. It could have been much worse.
Pretty soon my rampant, erratic emotions will stabilize, I'll be more secure in myself and be more accepting of the realities of life.
She was positively glowing tonight. This made me remember all the goals I once had to be a better person (quitting smoking, exercising more, being more responsible, watching my fucking foul mouth, etc)
Its nice to be inspired.