Behaviors

So, I continue to seek things outside of myself in order to change how I feel. I know that these outside things aren't the answer but they temporarily relieve my pain and discomfort.

The exact nature is that I have very little acceptance of self and require validation from outside sources in order to feel accepted and liked and function in a positive manner. The bottom line is that I simply just want to be loved and cared for.

I recognize a familiar progression similar to that of my active addiction when I seek these outside "feel goods". It's never enough (just like the drugs) and I seek more and more. The drugs stopped working long ago. I wonder when these non-drug "quick fixes" will stop as well. What will come after that and how much greater will the pain and loneliness be than that which initially prompted these behaviors? My guess is that a period of extreme feelings is on the horizon once I'm forced to recognize the short term remedies lose their effectiveness. I'll be forced to deal with myself without any outside relief. Stuck with me, again.

I know it's coming so at least I can prepare and perhaps initiate some sort of "harm minimization" to lessen the end result. That's never worked before, though, so why now? My pattern is to run things to the bitter ends and then pain becomes the ultimate motivator for change.

I accept that I'm needy and lonely. I don't think I was always like this but I can put words to it now.

So what's the solution? Do the right thing for the right reason, have faith that in truly meaning no harm, everything will play out in time and in a natural, balanced manner.

The words sound pretty. I wonder if I'm capable of initiating necessary, positive change without waiting for the real pain to hit?

 

There's a first time for everything, right?

Everyone needs a place within themselves that they can live for a lifetime, it just takes some of us longer to find that place than others. You are on an exponentially better path than you were a year ago, and while I'm not sure of the exact nature of your current relief, I'd imagine that it is probably somewhat less self-destructive than your prior ones. What I'm trying to say is: do try to cut yourself a bit of slack every now and then, man. You've come a long way, but there is no destination. Just more road.

 

^what he said (you're so wise, dave. )

also, you definitely are loved and cared for! i know that you're probably talking about more of a romantic kind of love, but that will come when the timing is right. just keep keeping on.

 

I struggled with this for so long, OD. I felt like whatever I did, that place of profound loneliness and the need to have it alleviated from outside of me would never leave. It finally did, and I cannot even remember how or even why. I love Dave's phrase, " a place where we can live for a lifetime" within ourselves. What I feel you are doing right now, though it may not seem it to you, is creating that place. You are facing the loneliness, facing the fear that it engenders, fully and openly. Those are the muscles you can't measure from the outside but they are equally impressive to me. You have unbelievable strength and it springs from your willingness to be vulnerable. Your focus is amazing.

spork is so right; you are definitely loved and cared for!