Well it's been 3 and a half years since I was a full blown junkie. For whatever reason, I started taking some pills and such things again. It's horrifying to feel how fast my tolerance shot up. I don't have many close friends right now, and it's just sooo hard to say no to free drugs. I am in a bad place, no job, no car, no money, and no real life. People always want to hang out with me, they call me and tell me they're coming over to pick me up, but are they are not good people. I consider myself intelligent, but I can't seem to make intelligent decisions. I've avoided the needle, but for how long? I can't take living here anymore, and I desperately need an escape, the anxiety is building to an unbearable load on my mind. I'm thinking about packing a backpack and just start walking. I desperately need a fresh start that I can't find here.
It sounds like you are doing so well overall - 3 1/2 years needle-free is something to be very proud of! Please try not to be too hard on yourself for slipping up with pills. It happens a lot, it doesn't make you weak or stupid.. in fact I think your self awareness is amazing, and you are strong to have not headed straight back to shooting up, especially as you aren't in a great place at the moment, and your tolerance has gone up so fast. A lot of people probably wouldn't have lasted this long, and a lot wouldn't be using what has happened as an opportunity to reasses your life and try to make some positive changes
If you feel like making a fresh start and going travelling, or moving somewhere new, then it might be a really good idea! Something like that could really give you a fresh perspective. It's good to just go for it and be bold sometimes! Logistically, is this something you could actually do right now, do you think? Getting away from your "friends" and the local drugs scene could really help (although of course there are people like that, and access to drugs, in most places..)
However, if it isn't so much a case of folowing your dreams as running away, I would have a good think. Simply moving locations is unlikely to make all your problems disappear overnight.. it sounds like there are some pretty fundamental aspects of your life that you are not happy with. In fact, moving could potentially exacerbate some of them, as you wouldn't know anyone and might struggle even more financially..
Instead, perhaps it might be a good idea to sit down and have a brainstorm about the barriers you have that are stopping you from being happy, and thinking of ways to address them in your current location? You can always move at a later date.. that's not to say that moving right now is definitely a bad idea, I just think it might be wise to think about your motivation and what you hope to achieve
How about a job? Is there nothing abailable where you are (which could be a good reason to move) or is there another obstacle in your way? A job isn't a magic fix of course, but it would help with the boredom and money worries and would also be a way of meeting new people. It would help to build your sense of self-worth too, I think.
Maybe have a think about some other ways you could meet new friends outside the drugs-world? Do you have any hobbies you could persue that might help your boredom and lead to meeting new people? Maybe consider doing a course while you are out of work, or some volunteering? Voluntary work is fantastic - it keeps you occupied, you meet new people, it improves your CV and most importantly you are doing something worthwhile, which can be a tremendous way to lift your mood and boost your self-esteem. PLus helping people is just a nice thing to do!
What is your current living situation? Is that something which might be contributing to your difficulties? Just trying to think about all angles..
Finally, are you getting any professional help with your anxiety and drug use? If not, it might be a good idea to look into that
it's a lot easier to address these issues if you are getting some good support.
I've posted these up quite a lot lately, but there are two CBT websites that I think are fantastic - a little irritating at first, haha, but they are written by psychiatrists and are a really good way of tackling negative thought patterns and behaviour. You clearly are a very intelligent person, but you say you make unintelligent decisions - CBT could really help with that I think, and it is good for anxiey too. One to one CBT is often the most effective, but cost can be a major barrier. If you fancy taking a look, the websites are:
MoodGym and
Living Life to the Full.
Good luck! I think it is fantastic that you are looking at the fact that you have started taking pills as a catalyst for making some changes in your life that could really help you to get back on track and be happy
