Just having one of those stinkin' thinkin days. Thought talking about my insane thinking here might help. Maybe someone can relate to the way I have been feeling lately.
*Those with less then 9 months probley ought not read this post as it is an observation on my own recovery through a "glass-half empty" viewpoint. Sobriety is worth it, please don't let any of this discourage you from changing your life.*
I haven't had a drink or drug in 289 days, and yet I'm not excited for the future, I loathe a lot of my past, and I'm not to thrilled about the present either. I use to party, I use to alter my mind with any kind of chemical I can get my hands on, I use to have a crutch. Now all I have is God, other recovering addicts, family, etc. And all of it is real, yet all of it is work, everything is burdensome: relationships, finances, going to church, going to the gym, etc. A lot of the time I just sleep to pass the time and also because nothing is that fun anymore. The universe shows me no favor just because I turned my life around. I have to deny myself something my brain wants most days just to be able to face the same trials and tribulations that non-addicted people face. Things change all the time and life doesn't go my way a lot of the time. I feel lonely and envious of what others have. I have this sense of entitlement that makes things difficult for me. I have a bad attitude towards life itself lately and my gratitude has slipped away. I find myself wishing an astroid would just crash into the planet and wipe us all out. I wouldn't care. I feel like life is overrated and part of me is envious of people still in active addiction, especially young people.
So I guess the point of this thread is me asking you guys to help remind me why I should keep moving forward when it's mostly work with a little satisfaction sprinkled in here and there. I basically was forced to grow up, and it's a real drag. I still had responsibilities and worries when I was still self-medicating with booze but at least there were some moments of escaping reality and euphoria. I never cared that they were artificial, they did something for me that nothing in sobriety seems to be able to do, nothing. Now I can't take a vacation from reality/life and everyday I have worries/stress/anxiety that come with living life on life's terms. I also have more peace, money, and freedom. But happiness? Joy? Not really.
Yet my life has improved a lot through sobering up. I found a full-time job I like in recovery making more money then I ever had before, even though it still doesn't feel like enough. I moved out of sober living about a month ago and now rent my own room in a house with a nice bed, bought a new flatscreen tv, bought a keyboard, bought a nice vape. I've received a lot of blessings from staying clean that aren't materialistic also, I'm gaining my families trust back, I have true friendships, I go to the gym frequently and am in good shape, I'm healthy, I have my car back. I have a sponsor and am on Step 3 and attend meetings every week.
So despite this, why do I still think about drinking? Why am I never satisfied? Honestly the only thing I ever look forward to anymore is sex. It's like all I have left. Life just isn't that fun anymore and I'm bitter. Going to a NA meeting than going to TGIF Fridays afterwards is my new Friday night. I realize there is a world of possibilities but I can't afford many of them, and many just aren't the same: night clubs, raves, concerts. I feel like life is overrated and a boring grind. I miss the chaos and euphoria of heroin. I miss playing video games and drinking cheap malt liquor and beer during the day. I miss craft beer and wine. I find that people exhaust me, and since I am naturally introverted, it's like I have to deny myself the company of drugs/alcohol which use to be my lover, my best friend.
So despite all this, will I go back? Not today. I've worked to hard and come to far to go back to an even worse standard of living. I'm tired of feeling like damned if i do, damned if i don't. And quite frankly, I understand why people (even people with time) eventually return to drinking. If your mind works the way mine does: overanalytical, prone to anxiety, depression, cynicism, and self-loathing. Then it's only logical to want an antidote of some kind. I've found that God, people, and recovery in general leave a lot to be desired. But drinking stopped working also, so what is one to do? Trudge through the mire. Try to navigate oneself in this world with little to no emotional maturity and/or social maturity.
I just wish I enjoyed being sober more. The novelty wore off a long time ago. I hate being an alcoholic/addict, it sucks. Thanks for listening.
*Those with less then 9 months probley ought not read this post as it is an observation on my own recovery through a "glass-half empty" viewpoint. Sobriety is worth it, please don't let any of this discourage you from changing your life.*
I haven't had a drink or drug in 289 days, and yet I'm not excited for the future, I loathe a lot of my past, and I'm not to thrilled about the present either. I use to party, I use to alter my mind with any kind of chemical I can get my hands on, I use to have a crutch. Now all I have is God, other recovering addicts, family, etc. And all of it is real, yet all of it is work, everything is burdensome: relationships, finances, going to church, going to the gym, etc. A lot of the time I just sleep to pass the time and also because nothing is that fun anymore. The universe shows me no favor just because I turned my life around. I have to deny myself something my brain wants most days just to be able to face the same trials and tribulations that non-addicted people face. Things change all the time and life doesn't go my way a lot of the time. I feel lonely and envious of what others have. I have this sense of entitlement that makes things difficult for me. I have a bad attitude towards life itself lately and my gratitude has slipped away. I find myself wishing an astroid would just crash into the planet and wipe us all out. I wouldn't care. I feel like life is overrated and part of me is envious of people still in active addiction, especially young people.
So I guess the point of this thread is me asking you guys to help remind me why I should keep moving forward when it's mostly work with a little satisfaction sprinkled in here and there. I basically was forced to grow up, and it's a real drag. I still had responsibilities and worries when I was still self-medicating with booze but at least there were some moments of escaping reality and euphoria. I never cared that they were artificial, they did something for me that nothing in sobriety seems to be able to do, nothing. Now I can't take a vacation from reality/life and everyday I have worries/stress/anxiety that come with living life on life's terms. I also have more peace, money, and freedom. But happiness? Joy? Not really.
Yet my life has improved a lot through sobering up. I found a full-time job I like in recovery making more money then I ever had before, even though it still doesn't feel like enough. I moved out of sober living about a month ago and now rent my own room in a house with a nice bed, bought a new flatscreen tv, bought a keyboard, bought a nice vape. I've received a lot of blessings from staying clean that aren't materialistic also, I'm gaining my families trust back, I have true friendships, I go to the gym frequently and am in good shape, I'm healthy, I have my car back. I have a sponsor and am on Step 3 and attend meetings every week.
So despite this, why do I still think about drinking? Why am I never satisfied? Honestly the only thing I ever look forward to anymore is sex. It's like all I have left. Life just isn't that fun anymore and I'm bitter. Going to a NA meeting than going to TGIF Fridays afterwards is my new Friday night. I realize there is a world of possibilities but I can't afford many of them, and many just aren't the same: night clubs, raves, concerts. I feel like life is overrated and a boring grind. I miss the chaos and euphoria of heroin. I miss playing video games and drinking cheap malt liquor and beer during the day. I miss craft beer and wine. I find that people exhaust me, and since I am naturally introverted, it's like I have to deny myself the company of drugs/alcohol which use to be my lover, my best friend.
So despite all this, will I go back? Not today. I've worked to hard and come to far to go back to an even worse standard of living. I'm tired of feeling like damned if i do, damned if i don't. And quite frankly, I understand why people (even people with time) eventually return to drinking. If your mind works the way mine does: overanalytical, prone to anxiety, depression, cynicism, and self-loathing. Then it's only logical to want an antidote of some kind. I've found that God, people, and recovery in general leave a lot to be desired. But drinking stopped working also, so what is one to do? Trudge through the mire. Try to navigate oneself in this world with little to no emotional maturity and/or social maturity.
I just wish I enjoyed being sober more. The novelty wore off a long time ago. I hate being an alcoholic/addict, it sucks. Thanks for listening.
