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Been Clean off dope for 3 months

Wow Anom! What an awesome post! I was honestly expecting you to say he had it when you picked him up. I am so happy you were able to stay strong and also try to get him involved as well! You are doing an exceptional job!!!

I hope you have a fantastic time on your 3 day shindig and camping <3.
 
That guy sounds like trouble. If no one makes him go he doesnt even care. Your way past him, way faster as well.

Dont let anyone hold you back.
 
Thats great your going camping drug free! Have fun.., see thats the shit you gotto do..submerge your self into activities when you get clean, fill that crazy void. And fuck that guy made you miss your meeting you should nut tap him
 
haha thanks. I learned my lesson... but yeah. Just gotta worry about my clean time. 9 days today :DD Just got home. Was pretty fun. But i'll tell ya what... yesterday and the day before were fucking brutal man. My brain is like starting to function again and ive been having these crazy ass fucking dreams. Like usually when i have a user dream im pissed off when i wake up and it didnt happen. Well these dreams were pretty bizarre. I guess its cause i am in recovery now or some shit so its ruining my wanting to get high and making me feel fucking awful. The day before my dream was i was lieing,cheating, stealing and lieing to my parents about being high even though everyone could tell i was high and i knew i was high. I just wanted them off my ass. So i felt pretty shitty that happening... but people say just think of that when u want to use so you dont go back and it will remind you of how much pain blah blah blah. w/e. Well this one i had yesterday was even worse man.... I fucking relapsed again and I was afraid to go back to NA. I was afraid of getting a new clean date. I was scared shitless about going back and reinstating. I wanted to give up. BUT I DONT! My sponsor says its cause thats all ive ever done was give up so this is like foreign to me.. I dont know... my mind was fucking with me and playing tricks on me... it was really depressing and making me very miserable :\ The sucky thing is i have never even had a user dream about heroin. It was always with extacy and i was at the club rolling.. and those i enjoyed and was pissed when i woke up cause it wasnt real. ( that was like a year ago when i used to roll every weekend) But man... These dreams recently are really crazy. I hate them. & i know its my addiction talking.. but fuck man. It was really upsetting me and i just wanted to be alone and cry all day but somehow i managed to get back on my feet and have a good rest of the day once i got it out of my mind. The trip was good and i learned a lot. But everyone was saying how 'spiritual' this place was and yada yada. And how it was a life changing experience going to this one thing. And i just wasnt seeing it or feeling it. And i want to get my faith back and find god again... but i guess it just takes time. That was also bothering me the whole trip. But whatever... I guess i am trying to hard or something people say :\ just gotta let it come. Then we went and did some meditating thing and ive never really meditated before and that wasnt working too well either. IDK... Those were the things that bothered me but i still managed to have a fairly good time..
 
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Anomaly, my hat goes off to you. That's so wonderful you're getting back on track!!

Was pretty fun. But i'll tell ya what... yesterday and the day before were fucking brutal man. My brain is like starting to function again and ive been having these crazy ass fucking dreams.
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Oh, those vivid dreams. Wow. Feeling emotion again is a total trip. I remember waking up after a few of those with my heart literally racing and sweat pouting down my brow, but they'll subside in intensity. And you know what? When the positive dreams begin (which shouldn't take too long!), they're all-the-more real and lasting throughout the day to come.

Above all else, though, it sounds as though you're really back on track to rediscovering innate happiness... and, after all, is that not arguably the nucleus of overcoming drug addiction?

Proud of you. Keep us informed!!

~ vaya
 
Absolutely, man. They're not gone by any stretch of the imagination, but they are definitely (for me) less emotionally-rattling. Some mornings (or afternoons) I'd wake up wanting another shot for the simple fact that it might blunt the emotionality that had become attached to the simple act of waking up in the morning. It wasn't any way to start the day.

When I was clean for 3 years before I relapsed 3 years ago, I still got those dreams. I think the experiences have become cemented and hard-wired into my natural circuitry. However, I found that what the dreams meant to me changed drastically over that course of time.
 
Vaya said:
However, I found that what the dreams meant to me changed drastically over that course of time.
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Wise words, and I agree. I've already noticed this happening for me as well.

One of the main reasons I got off it was actually because of the "simple act of waking up" dilemna. Being doped up actually made this far far worse. I would get pissed off at even having to tie my shoes. It most certainly seems childish to an outsider, heck even myself right now.
 
Thanks guys. Was a really good meeting today.. It was all about me and i felt bad for others that they wanted to share and told them that -_- i hope no one got pissed cause they were all trying to reach out to me. But it was a good one :p I just pray i can keep doing the right thing and my willingness doesn't go away or anything. Today I had the thought come in my mind right when I got out of school that it would be nice to get high but i quickly brushed it out of my thoughts because I know I dont want that... Iv'e been having a really good day today. Made an A on my english paper and she said it was my best paper yet. Ive been able to think alot clearer and able to study more which is nice.. IDK why i have those thoughts sometimes... i guess its just my addiction talking. Cause i was even more miserable when i was using then where i am at right now. I am relieved i am not a slave to that shit anymore and the chains are finally broken.. its not worth it. Im just scared of change and scared to fail and let everyone down again... I'm also scared of going back. I don't want that shit but it's all i fucking know... Iv'e made a lot of progess these past 10 days and i just hope to god i can keep up the good work... Everyone says they are proud of me and it's nice... I have never heard that before. haha...
 
It's always really good to hear stuff like this. Alcohol and smack are the hardest hands down.

If it gives you any further incentive:
On my last dope run, I was hanging out with 15 year olds and 40 year olds that all had the same habit and were beyond downhill. It was like looking in a mirror and time machine at the same time. I'm glad I met all the poor souls I did. Things get bad yes, but there are always a lot more people than you that have it far worse. This shouldn't be an excuse to slip up every once in a while either, more so a reminder; a human stop-sign if you will.

I was letting a lot of them still crash at my house when I got clean, but I cannot do this anymore. My recovery aside (being more important), I'm no longer willing to serve jail time for things I am not doing.
 
Yeah... and I'm kinda scared about when i turn 21 and able to go to bars. I'm not gunna be able to drink cause im a drug addict and i know that will switch me back to my DOC faster than pot would & it sucks i cant ever smoke pot or catch a little buzz every now and then. I dont know why i am thinking about this... But i am :| I feel like i havent fully hit the very bottom and thats even worse D: I know i really want this but at the same time its hard to come to terms with "never again" Why am i thinking about this D: i do not know... I have been through this that i cannot just do a little.. My friends can and manage to go back to their lives and do school and not become addicted but i cant. & i know that... Just needed to get that out of my mind. I told my sponsor.. he says its normal but fuckkkkkkk man!
 
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Let's hope that you never hit bottom. I hit bottom when I shot up a 10 bag of tar cut with pot resin, with the chance of getting AIDS. AIDS aside (fucking pathetic and frightening), I easily could have lost an arm or had some resin get stuck in my heart and had an even more painful death. I have truely lucked out, and there's no way you will be this lucky. I am clean on all fronts, but like I said, pure luck.

-I was also homeless, living under bridges or out of my car. Even though at the time my car was essentially my most important possesion (bag of smack aside), I ended up driving it into the ground, to get more smack.
 
I feel like i havent fully hit the very bottom and thats even worse
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Lemme tell you this from experience.

A.) Everyone's bottom is entirely different. I've caught myself comparing bottoms with others (in my mind) in order to justify using/drinking again, and this is a hairy situation. In a meeting, when a woman in her fifties says she hit bottom when she was realized she had been hung over for the past two weeks, my natural instinct (and I apologize if this is sick) was to laugh! For me, I hit bottom, and then kept digging.

For years.

Shooting de-based crack with pink vinegar and questionable-quality heroin was bad enough, and dying twice in three months still didn't keep me off the skag. We are all different, but our respective bottoms serve as constant reminders of who we were, and who we can be when we let go of our mindless self indulgences.

I'm very proud of the work you've put into this. Keep it up - You deserve to be sober, my friend.

~ vaya
 
hah you underlined that :p I was just telling my sponsor this. Iv'e been so happy recently and everything is going good in my life. But i feel like i dont deserve to be happy. I feel like i dont deserve to have a normal / good life. Ive always had this form of self destruction... i know prolly everyone has it too. IDK... its kinda wierd. Idk if i already said this but thats how i feel... I shared about it today and he says we all have been there. I know its just my addiction talking trying to manipulate me into doing the wrong thing... But yeah. I am very proud of myself :D but at the same time it feels like i dont deserve all these things.. :\ its complicated
 
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