Been clean 9 months, irritable/discontent.

[Get2Think]

Hello bluelighters,

It's been a while since I've posted but I felt compelled to reach out for support. 9 months ago I came here to ask about breaking free from methadone and addiction in general. I had hit rock bottom and was living in homeless shelters, in my car, and at my mothers house. I was recreationally using meth, prescribed benzos, and going to a methadone clinic.

Long story short I was miserable and felt defeated at 29. I could not get a job or see any hope for the future. My only hope was getting clean again. I've spent the last few years in and out of the program of AA, been to a couple rehabs, but would get 3-7 months and go back to resume my 12 year long career of drugs and alcohol. Opiates and alcohol are my drugs of choice.

Okay, enough backstory, here is what has happened these last 9 months. I went to treatment for 2 months, detoxed off methadone and all drugs. Finished treatment and moved into a mens sober living house where I lived for the last 9 months. Sharing a room in a house packed with dudes, many of them whom didn't make it and ended up rellapsing. There was little to no privacy, but I made some friendships and had good support. I've attended meetings in Narcotics Anonymous off and on and got a sponsor and started working my steps. I met the girl of my dreams (looks wise) in the rooms and our relationship was short lived and she immediately got with another guy in the rooms who I know. I blame myself for her leaving, and felt like I fell off a major pink cloud. The pain of that has subsided 2 months later but it was extremely difficult as I was so naive and thought I loved her. I thought she was "the one." Now I am very cynical towards women and love in general and don't think I'll ever get married or find "the one." I can't afford a relationship or a wife. I have a friends with benefits thing going with a girl and it seems to keep me happy and getting laid at least on occasion. It's better then nothing. Still I did not use despite the immense pain of loosing the girl I tried to give my all too and really be myself with.

I found a full-time job I like in recovery making more money then I ever had before, even though it still doesn't feel like enough. I moved out of sober living about a month ago and now rent my own room in a house with a nice bed, bought a new flatscreen tv, bought a keyboard, bought a nice vape. I've received a lot of blessings from staying clean that aren't materialistic also, I'm gaining my families trust back, I have true friendships, I go to the gym frequently and am in good shape, I'm healthy, I have my car back.

So despite this, why do I still think about drinking? Why am I never satisfied? Honestly the only thing I ever look forward too anymore is sex. It's like all I have left. Life just isn't that fun anymore and I'm bitter. I feel like life is overrated and a boring grind. I miss the chaos and euphoria of heroin. I miss playing video games and drinking cheap malt liquor and beer during the day. I find that people exhaust me, and since I am naturally introverted, it's like I have to deny myself the company of drugs/alcohol which use to be my lover, my best friend.

I haven't had a mind altering narcotic in 289 days, and yet still feel like a loser. I'm 30 now, and frankly I'm not excited for the future, I loathe a lot of my past, and I'm not to thrilled about the present either. I use to party, I use to alter my mind with any kind of drug I can get my hands on, I use to have a crutch. Now all I have is God, other recovering addicts, family, etc. And it's all work, everything is burdensome: relationships, finances, going to church, going to the gym, etc. A lot of the time I just sleep to pass the time and also because nothing is that fun anymore. The universe shows me no favor just because I turned my life around. Things change all the time and life doesn't go my way a lot of the time. I feel lonely and envious of what others have. My gratitude has slipped away. I find myself wishing an astroid would just crash into the planet and wipe us all out. I wouldn't care. I feel like life is overrated and part of me is envious of people still in active addiction, especially young people.

I am waiting to hear back from medi-cal to try and get back on Wellbutrin. It's helped in the past but I don't have health insurance right now. So I guess the point of this thread is me asking you guys to help remind me why I should keep moving forward when it's mostly work with little satisfaction sprinkled in here and there. I basically was forced to grow up, and it's a real drag. I still had responsibilities and worries when I was still self-medicating but at least there were some moments of escaping reality. Now I can't take a vacation from reality/life and everyday I have worries/stress/anxiety that come with living life on lifes terms. I also have more peace, money, and freedom. But happiness? Joy? Not really.

I can't go back, it would crush my family because they spent a lot of money to get me into treatment and they are all rooting for me. I feel like if I went back out God would let me OD or I would get a 3rd DUI and do jail time. Everytime I rellapse things get worse. I just wish I enjoyed being sober more. The novelty wore off a long time ago. I hate being an alcoholic/addict, it fucking blows. Thanks for listening.

 

[somnilicious]

Damn dude. You're kinda freaking me out. I was addicted to heroin, methadone and benzos for 17yrs. I just got out of rehab and am now at a sober house. I am almost at 5 months.. It has to be better. I pray the rug doesn't get pulled out fron under my feet. I am now 34 and was addicted to methadone and benzos for 10yrs. I still deal with bouts of depression and anxiety. It seems to come in waves and leave after a few weeks. The episodes should get fewer and farther inbetween if i understand paws correctly. I truely believe this is just a phase of paws that you gotta trudge through. Just a bump or wall in recovery you gotta push through.. Give it time. Keep reaching out and try to find hobbies that help you escape and relax. Pm me anytime.

 

[Innerdissolve]

My 2 cents, you're settling into the reasons you used in the first place. Our outer conditions, materialism, people, none of that is what makes us truly at peace and happy. That is all an inside job. Why you can see someone living in poverty in India yet full of joy.

Or a millionaire kill themselves in luxury.

My road to joy has been meditation, Buddhist philosophies, a deep and open surrender to the universe, God, and an awareness that I am not this body, but the soul that energizes it. Our ego is the root of so much of our inability to feel joy or contentment because no matter what you achieve there is a sense that it is never enough. You never get the satisfaction you thought you would. Transcending the ego is a life changer.

 

[Get2Think]

Thank you both for taking the time to help me. I have really fallen away from spiritual principles and growth and become caught up in materialism and ego. I've prayed harder the last couple days and went back to an AA meeting this morning and it just set me up for a really good day. I am just so tired of feeling like a dry drunk and living in fear and anxiety. Today I felt a weight lifted and I felt my higher power back in my life again. I felt that peace, that optimism, and that comfort of knowing I'm not alone. Sharing how I had fallen back into my old ways of thinking was very helpful. My ego and pride have been holding me hostage and I am tired of it. Thanks guys!

 

[herbavore]

Hey Get2Think! So good to see you back here and to hear all the good news, despite the uncomfortable feelings you are having. Look at it this way: you gave up the drugs that were holding you down and making you into a person you did not want to be. So now you are free to do what every other adult on earth is also trying to do which is to figure out how to put passion and meaning into their lives rather than just work>material gain>more work etc.

There is no one person IMO. There are thousands. When you lose the need to be completed by someone you are then free to love in a much healthier and sustainable way. You will find love in your life but for now, find friends. Develop relationships that have meaning and trust and fun in them! Become the kind of friend everyone else is hoping to find and you will find yourself with more friends than you can keep up with.

I think that you are doing great. Your family must also be healing. Remember that you probably used for a reason (or reasons) that had to do with uncomfortable or even painful emotions. Getting comfortable with all your emotional states is not only the next step in recovery it is a prescription for all of us for healthy, loving lives.

 

[placid space]

My 2 cents, you're settling into the reasons you used in the first place. Our outer conditions, materialism, people, none of that is what makes us truly at peace and happy. That is all an inside job. Why you can see someone living in poverty in India yet full of joy.

Or a millionaire kill themselves in luxury.

My road to joy has been meditation, Buddhist philosophies, a deep and open surrender to the universe, God, and an awareness that I am not this body, but the soul that energizes it. Our ego is the root of so much of our inability to feel joy or contentment because no matter what you achieve there is a sense that it is never enough. You never get the satisfaction you thought you would. Transcending the ego is a life changer.

+1
Perfect advice. And why the only millionairs that you see are truly happy are those that behave compassionately, give away wealth, live more simple lives.

While opiates stunt our emotionally growth (which in essence is mostly just learning to tolerate or ignore) they also make us see everything way more clearly once we quit. Once you drop you DOC and your brain is basically unbalanced chemically without dopamine and serotonin working its magic properly in the effort/reward scheme you get quickly depressed. But its also a perfect opportunity to see the world as it is. Most people choose one of three choices. Either substituing the addiction for an addiction of a different kind, usually religion wise, sometimes work but that is just another addiction in a way and blocking the world out. Second is medication.

Third is spiritual progress. As Innerdisolve above me suggested Buddhism is best here IMO. Its CENTURIES ahead of any western philosophy/psychotherapy in its techniques and mental exercises. The deities, gods, praying and similar that come to mind and what people who first think of when you say buddhism is just something that was a way to approach it to the layperson. Its dropped very quickly. Buddhism has zero to do with worshiping, praying or believing in anything. The opposite. I suggest theravada branch of it perhaps, because its most direct for you situation. Deals directly with craving, how we constantly run after things and happiness, how our minds tricks us constantly, how unaware we are all the time, how conditioned our life and responses to it are. You will quickly feel as if the filter you had before your eyes is falling off. And the underlying thought under all of the teachings is and strongly (!) stresses, try it out, if it doesnt work discard it. No blind faith, no believing in something you dont feel, see, understand.
So I also strongly suggest you read about it. I suggest the teachings of Ajahn Chah (most basic and very good), Lama Yeshe (combined with compassionate teachings a lot) or Ajahn Sumedho (also quite basic but more modern) .good luck dude.

 

[tryingHardEr]

I'm doing everything in my power to learn to enjoy life without drugs. I recently killed 16 months of recovery on a choice. I made the choice to use because the feelings and reality of life got too painful. I forget that as an addict my first thought is always wrong. Pretty much. I shouldn't have gone online found drugs(since I had deleted every and all people I knew that deals/uses) and came across my drugs of choice so quick. And here I am a month later hating life even more than I did before I picked up. Feeling degraded and broken again.

I have had many failed attempts at recovery. I know the message is hope and the promise is freedom. How we stay hopeful and become free is a matter of how hard we work. If I worked half as hard on my recovery as I did at scoring pills through docs and dealers, I think I'd be very successful.

I'm laying in bed at 4:35 am with work in a few hours withdrawing from several kinds of opiates. Bought fake roxys and I believe God was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. I just stopped and thought "what am I doing ?" I feel like shit, can't sleep. I could have travelled 45 mins and got some dilaudid but I drove home instead. Deleted the numbers again and got onto this site.

I'm desperate again, let me remind you all that desperation is a gift. That window frame of wanting to stop and get clean can be so small of a timeframe. Any moment we think it's time, the answer is yes!!!!

I'm happy to talk to you directly whenever your feeling this way. Just promise to stay and not give up. Be that success story. Prove the doubters and disbelievers wrong. We can stay clean even if we don't want to. But I know You not I can do this alone. Like why should we?

As far as that chick goes. Being a women in the rooms, I make sure I don't use the safe environment I rely on desperately as a hook up. Then it becomes unsafe and then where do I go? She wasn't ready to be what you deserve because you deserve a loving caring individual that will be honest. We deserve the best Despite what we have done in our addictions. That includes a healthy loving romantic relationship, and awesome sex!

 

[Innerdissolve]

Thank you both for taking the time to help me. I have really fallen away from spiritual principles and growth and become caught up in materialism and ego. I've prayed harder the last couple days and went back to an AA meeting this morning and it just set me up for a really good day. I am just so tired of feeling like a dry drunk and living in fear and anxiety. Today I felt a weight lifted and I felt my higher power back in my life again. I felt that peace, that optimism, and that comfort of knowing I'm not alone. Sharing how I had fallen back into my old ways of thinking was very helpful. My ego and pride have been holding me hostage and I am tired of it. Thanks guys!

Wow, you really get and I'm so proud! You made my day

And you are never alone, PM me anytime if you need a chat.

 

[Innerdissolve]

+1
Perfect advice. And why the only millionairs that you see are truly happy are those that behave compassionately, give away wealth, live more simple lives.

While opiates stunt our emotionally growth (which in essence is mostly just learning to tolerate or ignore) they also make us see everything way more clearly once we quit. Once you drop you DOC and your brain is basically unbalanced chemically without dopamine and serotonin working its magic properly in the effort/reward scheme you get quickly depressed. But its also a perfect opportunity to see the world as it is. Most people choose one of three choices. Either substituing the addiction for an addiction of a different kind, usually religion wise, sometimes work but that is just another addiction in a way and blocking the world out. Second is medication.

Third is spiritual progress. As Innerdisolve above me suggested Buddhism is best here IMO. Its CENTURIES ahead of any western philosophy/psychotherapy in its techniques and mental exercises. The deities, gods, praying and similar that come to mind and what people who first think of when you say buddhism is just something that was a way to approach it to the layperson. Its dropped very quickly. Buddhism has zero to do with worshiping, praying or believing in anything. The opposite. I suggest theravada branch of it perhaps, because its most direct for you situation. Deals directly with craving, how we constantly run after things and happiness, how our minds tricks us constantly, how unaware we are all the time, how conditioned our life and responses to it are. You will quickly feel as if the filter you had before your eyes is falling off. And the underlying thought under all of the teachings is and strongly (!) stresses, try it out, if it doesnt work discard it. No blind faith, no believing in something you dont feel, see, understand.
So I also strongly suggest you read about it. I suggest the teachings of Ajahn Chah (most basic and very good), Lama Yeshe (combined with compassionate teachings a lot) or Ajahn Sumedho (also quite basic but more modern) .good luck dude.

I agree, for me it has been an eclectic mixture of all the highest principals out there. But Buddhism is very far ahead of the game just in terms of practical application for life. Other religions seem to confuse a lot of people and turn into egoic rituals instead of true spiritual growth. I just identify with the mystic path, and practice all kinds of meditation, and try to be mindful as much as I can. On that path I've had many awakenings and I feel so different. It changes you.

God is in all of us. A lot of people just don't know it.

And +1 to you as well