First of all, congratulations. I like the title you chose for the thread. That's all we are really here to do: become our true selves, shedding the skin of the ego more and more as we go. Hard work, and an ever unfolding process, but in the end a life well lived.
My advice is to look deeply into hungers. When you are hungry for one of the substances you have used in the past, what are you really hungry for? Is it intimacy, is it a sense of freedom, is it adrenaline producing adventure, is it a feeling of social belonging? When you can get to the hunger underneath the hunger for the drug itself, you can get somewhere outside of constant craving. When you are traveling, take along some reading material that can help you stay the course you are seeking. You are going to be in countries that may be "the devils playground" as you say, but also have strong Buddhist traditions. Maybe seek out the perspective on addictions of practicing monks. I think Buddhism offers a great perspective on craving (anything).
In terms of what gets pushed on you in long term rehab, here's my advice. Don't take things literally, take them metaphorically. How can the precepts being presented apply to your own unique mind, your own unique way of perceiving things? People get hung up on words. They make the assumption that we all understand those words exactly the same (or that we should) when in reality the interpretation of say, "higher power" is infinite. No one can tell you what to think. But that is no excuse for shutting your mind down defensively. It's a fine line to tread and it takes courage and honesty to maintain your balance when you feel you are simply being forced to adhere to a dogma. I look at it like I look at religions--they all have something to offer me but any one of them alone (and in its entirety) is repressive and meaningless. You are free to pick and choose what is meaningful to you and what is not. Remember that and you won't get trapped in useless arguing against what you may not agree with. Just let it go silently and humbly knowing that what may work for someone else will not do the trick for you, but the opposite is also true.
Good luck with it all. I hope you keep us posted.
So I had the chance to look deeply into my hungers. I was off the plane for about 3 hours before I saw people smoking heroin in the street in Kuala Lumpur. I started thinking. I was on suboxone. I am going to be away for a month. I can jump onto short acting opiates and avoid all of the painful extended withdrawals of a long acting opiate. I realised I was self sabotaging, so I went and bought some food instead. Midnight in China Town, all the crazy comes out in this city. I looked out my window and noticed what looked like flashing street lights everywhere, about 20 different places. I realised I was once again seeing people smoking drugs. All the hunger came out in me. I was chatting with my partner in Europe, and I realised I missed her. It was going to be some time before I saw her.
I walked outside, looked around for the nearest person using and sat down next to them. Immediately, I was offered a massive bag of heroin. I started sweating, pulled my wallet out and bought it. Stupidity, obviously, but it has ended up turning out to have worked for me, since when I flew in on the plane home I went straight back to rehab. I have effectively and efficiently detoxed now. Last time I did this I was jumping off suboxone itself and the withdrawals lasted for a lot longer.
I travelled throughout SE Asia from Malaysia, to Cambodia, to Thailand, saw some amazing places. Angkor Wat took the cake in Siem Reap. I bought a 10mL vial of ketamine from a pharmacy and went K-Holing. I truly lost my ego during this experience. I had an intense feeling of nothingness as I was split in two, seeing vivid images of the universe and humanity, before reflecting onto myself.
How did my addiction start? I was 13 and started smoking pot. I graduated to amphetamines and ecstasy at 14. 15 I tried heroin and cocaine. By 16 I was using heroin regularly, and I have done so on and off to where I am now. I have been using opiates for 15 years. It takes time to readjust and I am in the process of doing so. But who was I before this and during this process into addiction? I am certainly a lot more than an addict and I dislike labels. I am a person, I am a scholar, I am a sportsman, I am a lover and stargazer. I think a lot. I feel too much sometimes and I worry about things to conclusion when I can. I procrastinate. Using drugs have affected all these elements of my self.
Of all the things you mentioned; intimacy, freedom, adventure, adrenaline are what I live for. Social belonging, not so much but everyone needs a friend. I spent time wondering around slums and donating money to landmine survivors in Cambodia. I'm an extreme sports addict and I plan to smash the ski fields in Europe when I head there in a few months.
I seeked out buddhists and spoke with them about their philosophy. Heroin is everywhere in SE Asia. It is ridiculous. I ended the trip with shaving my head, discarding my previous sense of self. Who needs hair anyway
I read a cool book while I was there. It's called "An Astronaught's Guide to Life on Earth." Reading about him breaking into a space station with a Swiss Army knife reminded me of myself. His philosophy is basically - "Prepare for the worst - and enjoy every moment of it."
I'm not at long term now, but my recovery is long term. I have 3 weeks here in a private rehab and another 4 weeks at another place, followed by what ever I plan in that time. I understand what you mean about not taking things literally. There are lots of metaphors in the classes I do and I relate to different people, depending on what they share, but it all helps.
I wish i was in your shoes! damn you're lucky.. Travelling around the world..
That is my dream! So i hope you enjoy it. It will be a lot easier for you, with your mind distracted on so many things..
Send me a pm if i can stay in your suitcase on your trip
Mmmm travel is good for the soul. Hope you get to fulfil your dreams sometime soon.
Herbavore-well said, well written
Get every single thing you can out of rehab. Keep an open mind...it will be great if you want it to be great. I had to go to rehab, and had no idea what I was walking into.
I made up my mind to hear. Really hear. I too love the title of your thread....becoming you is amazing. And honestly, there is nothing more beautiful than vulnerability. Someone that genuinely has their heart open, their ego down. People know. They know. It's incredible how different life is when you are just you without pretenses.
The very best to you. Remember where using leads....The story always ends the same way. Enjoy your trip!!!
Thanks. You're right. It was going to end the same way if I continued. I enjoyed my trip immensely and got a lot out of it. I am now getting a lot out of rehab.
I've read this thread several times in the past few days. It really hits home. I'm a week clean today, after chipping for the past two months. I saw this quote this morning and I feel it speaks to the theme of this thread.
"I wanted to write about the moment when your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down. That's the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about"
Chuck Pahlaniak
Nice quote. My life has been blown all over the world, and I am picking up the pieces as I go. Baby steps. What is my life going to be about? Well that script is being written as I write this, but I am not going to let my past get me down. Keep on keeping on ... Keep on Running. Where am I going? I don't quite know.
I don't think I understand why you would want to tempt yourself "in the devils playground' as you put it. You just spent a good deal of time and money on rehab I just don't know how wise it is too gamble it on a holiday lark to the golden triangle. Will anyone be there to support you if you are tempted? Maybe its just me and herbivore did just made a really profound post about individuality. But I do know that I am really good at self sabotage when it comes to heroin. Though I must admit it does sound like a fun trip.
Well I have had some time to reflect on this. Yes, I have spent money on rehab and more on drugs. Going into the golden triangle was a gamble. I could have gotten arrested and put away for life or lost it. I knew the dangers, I wasn't hiding.
Perhaps I was self sabotaging. Most likely. But, I have now had time to get myself free from the grips of any opiate, not just the shorter acting stuff that causes crime (think why people end up on years of opiate maintenance "therapy" - I say a big FUCK YOU to that idea).
However, I no longer have my head stuck in the sand, so to speak. I'm saying no to opiate maintenance and yes to the freedom to travel, to learn, to love and live again.
It's my life now.
