Raz
Bluelighter
Hey y'all....I was going through my old poetry books tonight and found this stuff I wrote when I was going through a particularly shitful phase of my life after I broke up with my partner of nearly 5 years, my mum died and my sister had a second nervous breakdown. Bad time. 
It's dark and disturbing stuff, but I think worth reading...lots of influence from Marilyn Manson and Richard Preston's book "The Hot Zone", which I'd just finished reading at the time.
=Becoming The New Human I=
(January 2, 2001)
I saw the world like a ravaged cell. Littered with biological refuse, the smear of dead stuff.
It was New Year's Day and nobody cared. My sister is in a hospital, and when we asked her why she was sick she told us that her heart was broken because she'd broken it.
It made me want to be in nothing. I saw the remains of the infection and I felt kinship with it.
I felt like I could be part of the world when it's sad and empty. When the streets are covered in reminders that there was a last night and only a few people wander around dead in their eyes it gives me something to relate to.
Happy New Year.
=Becoming The New Human II=
(January 8, 2001)
My head is full of dying children
and diseases that buzz
as they pop cell after cell after
cell after cell after cell
and leave me crying and wanting
to die.
=Becoming The New Human III=
Death Row
(January 8, 2001)
My mind looks like a battlefield
where I lost the war.
The buzzing of flies fills my brain
as they land on cell after bloated cell
to pick apart the dead ideas I once had
that life might be good.
I cry a lot more now
and I know my weaknesses exist.
I'm here for life.
=Becoming The New Human IV=
Cast Iron Fist
(January 29, 2001)
I'm not one of the small people
with their smaller desires.
I'm as big as God
and I'll fuck you up.
I'm not one of you smiling monkeys
with your gaping mouths open
to receive the shit
they shovel at you daily.
I'll fuck you up
I'll smash your heads
I'll make you fucking bleed
And you'll take me like a bitch.
=Becoming The New Human V=
Violence Song
(February 2, 2001)
Never thought I'd bleed so much
Never thought I'd want the violence
But it's an emotional wasteland in here
And violence is better than defeat
It's the intensity that surprises
It's the surprise that doesn't really matter
I've been scared of violence all my life and now it's all I have
Because now it's all I have.
Now it's all I have.
=Becoming The New Human VI=
Placebo
(February 2, 2001)
Sleep doesn't come easily
There's blood behind my eyes that wants to come out.
There's murder dreams that want to be dreamed.
Sleep's no defence against your mind
Sleep is no barrier to wanting to hurt people.
There are a million times in your life
When you'll want to kill someone.
Sometimes you'll give in
To the space inside your head.
There's a space there for hurting
And it'll make itself heard.
You'll be scared
But you'll want it.
And everything else is just a tonic.
Placebo.
Becoming The New Human VII=
How I Could Just Kill A Man
(February 9, 2001)
I was angry
I was full of anger.
I saw the world like Cassandra's dream.
I saw the true nature of the world
and was branded insane.
I could see them staring at me.
Staring at the new human.
Supersane and angry.
Peace was a rich man's fantasy.
Violence keeps the masses happy.
Violence keeps the masses true to their nature.
And that's how
I could just kill a man.
=THE NEW HUMAN=
(February 9, 2001)
Did you see the journey from self-pity
to
Wanting to kill the world?
I was becoming the new human -
Eyes to see blood.
Ears to hear what's behind words.
Hands to bash my name into your heart.
Brand you with a fuck
Scar you with the truth
You evolved me through dreams and shit
And now it's worked.
You raped me with your lies.
You fed me till I was weak.
You made me strong.
And now it's worked.
It's dark and disturbing stuff, but I think worth reading...lots of influence from Marilyn Manson and Richard Preston's book "The Hot Zone", which I'd just finished reading at the time.
=Becoming The New Human I=
(January 2, 2001)
I saw the world like a ravaged cell. Littered with biological refuse, the smear of dead stuff.
It was New Year's Day and nobody cared. My sister is in a hospital, and when we asked her why she was sick she told us that her heart was broken because she'd broken it.
It made me want to be in nothing. I saw the remains of the infection and I felt kinship with it.
I felt like I could be part of the world when it's sad and empty. When the streets are covered in reminders that there was a last night and only a few people wander around dead in their eyes it gives me something to relate to.
Happy New Year.
=Becoming The New Human II=
(January 8, 2001)
My head is full of dying children
and diseases that buzz
as they pop cell after cell after
cell after cell after cell
and leave me crying and wanting
to die.
=Becoming The New Human III=
Death Row
(January 8, 2001)
My mind looks like a battlefield
where I lost the war.
The buzzing of flies fills my brain
as they land on cell after bloated cell
to pick apart the dead ideas I once had
that life might be good.
I cry a lot more now
and I know my weaknesses exist.
I'm here for life.
=Becoming The New Human IV=
Cast Iron Fist
(January 29, 2001)
I'm not one of the small people
with their smaller desires.
I'm as big as God
and I'll fuck you up.
I'm not one of you smiling monkeys
with your gaping mouths open
to receive the shit
they shovel at you daily.
I'll fuck you up
I'll smash your heads
I'll make you fucking bleed
And you'll take me like a bitch.
=Becoming The New Human V=
Violence Song
(February 2, 2001)
Never thought I'd bleed so much
Never thought I'd want the violence
But it's an emotional wasteland in here
And violence is better than defeat
It's the intensity that surprises
It's the surprise that doesn't really matter
I've been scared of violence all my life and now it's all I have
Because now it's all I have.
Now it's all I have.
=Becoming The New Human VI=
Placebo
(February 2, 2001)
Sleep doesn't come easily
There's blood behind my eyes that wants to come out.
There's murder dreams that want to be dreamed.
Sleep's no defence against your mind
Sleep is no barrier to wanting to hurt people.
There are a million times in your life
When you'll want to kill someone.
Sometimes you'll give in
To the space inside your head.
There's a space there for hurting
And it'll make itself heard.
You'll be scared
But you'll want it.
And everything else is just a tonic.
Placebo.
Becoming The New Human VII=
How I Could Just Kill A Man
(February 9, 2001)
I was angry
I was full of anger.
I saw the world like Cassandra's dream.
I saw the true nature of the world
and was branded insane.
I could see them staring at me.
Staring at the new human.
Supersane and angry.
Peace was a rich man's fantasy.
Violence keeps the masses happy.
Violence keeps the masses true to their nature.
And that's how
I could just kill a man.
=THE NEW HUMAN=
(February 9, 2001)
Did you see the journey from self-pity
to
Wanting to kill the world?
I was becoming the new human -
Eyes to see blood.
Ears to hear what's behind words.
Hands to bash my name into your heart.
Brand you with a fuck
Scar you with the truth
You evolved me through dreams and shit
And now it's worked.
You raped me with your lies.
You fed me till I was weak.
You made me strong.
And now it's worked.
