bear with me. addiction

[Speedaddict69]

Hey blue lighters, I havent been on in a long time maybe a year because ive been in and out of the juvenile court system, rehab, and on probation. I was arrested for the third time (March2013) after od'ing from taking too much of a hydrocodone, alprozolam combination, just after getting off probation from previous drug related issues. By overdose I mean I didnt flatline but had to be pumped with some iv that had a counteracting substance to keep me alive and slept for a day and a half after being dropped off at the juvenile detention center in shelby county alabama. I would stay there the next month before being sent off to my 3rd rehab. The first one was in-state, I was fifteen, drug of choice klonopin and not ready or mature. The second was very nice (Cumberland Heights), I was 16 and not ready, drug of choice, I dont remember maybe xanax, dexedrine, and oxycodone. Anyway I was also 16 this time and ready, the program was not lockdown and 3 months. I let them help me and worked with other youth while going to meetings everyday in groups. I get out, now on probation for the second time, same nice p.o., drug test random, maybe once a week. I drop all my friends, and out of school. I immediately get my ged and start working as a law clerk at family firm. I was sober maybe 6-7 months before having one beer at the beach. Then sober 4 months before screwing up here recently. Im in the process of getting off probation now and am off random testing, although I suspect I will get tested one more time probably in anywhere from a week to a month, then im free again. Anyway I love the stock market and want to become a (broker) financial advisor but this wont work if all I can think about or do is get high. The other morning I was borrowing a shirt of my grandpas (live with grandparents on weekdays) when I noticed a pill bottle in the shirt pocket. Dilauded (hydromorphone). I only took five out of the bottle (remember drug test, and "trying not to fuck up") and reported the bottle to my grandmother as my grandpa is out of town. I didnt take some until that afternoon but I couldnt work during the day bc all I could think about was holy shit what are the odds of grabbing that shirt out of a WALK-IN closet and me being the addict I am. I took three orally via parachute, felt really good and somewhat disappointing afterwards. Next week snort 2, much better that way, no I dont shoot anything, I know dillies are best iv'd. That was about 5 hours ago then popped a couple norco (hydrocodone 10s) and theyve worn off. All that said now I just want to feel that way constantly but cant in case drug test which I hope I can pass or I go to juvenile prison. What would you do? Thanks for reading.

 

[maybeimamazing]

if you realky want to know what i think, well, you're not gonna like this, BUT......YOU ARE NOT READY!!!!
you definitely need to get sober, you sound like an addict of my type. i have kids older than you, so i know. i've "been there, done that" a billion times. i have been an addict since i was younger than you, and its a disease which has plagued me all my life.
my father was a Judge, but that didn't keep me out of trouble. i wasted yrs of my life, but u don't have to, you can quit now.
sounds like you have some goals, coupled with the opportunity to reach them. what a blessing! not many ppl are so fortunate.
so.....if u want to save your life, and HAVE a life, you seriously need to either go back into treatment, or find a sponsor, a 12-step group, get some therapy, work the steps. you don't stand a chance unless you get clean. you cannot do dilaudid on a "recreational" basis. it is WAY STRONGER than u, and it will eat you alive. body, mind, and soul.
blessings,
just do it, ok!

 

[T. Calderone]

^Very true. It seems like your only incentive to stay off drugs is the threat of going back to jail. Once you're off probation, it's going to be too easy for you to get high and you don't want that. You were doing so well and you relapsed but try to put this behind you. Focus on furthering your education and before you know it, you will reach that goal!

 

[Bman2]

Well if it's a matter of going to jail or not that's an easy answer. I would suggest not trying to play with fire on that. I've had too many friends try to use when they thought they could get away with it. And they did some times, but it only takes getting caught once. I wish I could take my own advice here, but the best thing is just fight through this urge and not use anymore. Some people can tease themselves with occasional use and not let it go over-board, but don't assume you're one of those people, especially since you're talking legal matters as well. For those that really have strong cravings, it often takes hitting rock bottom and experiencing months and months if not years and years of withdrawal pain & other ill-effects. You know what they say in AA/NA, "you stop when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired". So think about that. You really trying to get back into that viscous cycle? The easiest time to quit is always NOW before you do more. Sounds like you've already hit a bottom and experienced some of this stuff. Most of us may learn the hard way, but the ultimate point is that you LEARN. If you end up in jail, you won't even give yourself the opportunity to learn the easy or hard way, because you could face some hard time.

 

[BeachBum4u]

I agree, it stills sounds like you think you can sort of play with this thing called addiction. Man it's no joke and at the rate you're going, you may be in and out of prison the rest of your life and that sucks (I've been there!). Like Bman said, once you get tired of being sick and tired the light may come on. Shoot, you're young dude, please put an end to all this and get on with a decent career!

 

[Snarky91]

You're on the fast track to a career as a junkie. You don't know the half of the stock market. You better get serious about getting sober or your whole 20s will be spent slamming heroin and getting bailed out of bad situations by your well off family over and over again.

 

[Stargazer]

Wise advice Bman2. OP, I can attest to addiction to being no joke as well. Have you learned about the disease of addiction? That even if you stop for ten years, if you start using again, it will be the same as if you were using the entire time. Meaning, the disease of addiction continues to progress-whether you are using or not. The progression of the disease is why people that have been clean for 25yrs. still go to meetings.

I took about a 6yr break from doing heroin, and considered myself "clean". When I tell you I have been through utter hell in my life, both from addiction and other things not from addiction, believe me, I have.

About 9mos. ago, after struggling all of my life, having a bleak outlook pretty much...I miraculously inherited money. I started doing dope again as soon as I received it, and am about halfway through the money... in a few more months- I'll be broke. The stress level I'm at is overwhelming.I was so happy 9 most ago, to feel secure financially. Now I'm almost back to where I started, but worse. I 'll never have money that I needed so desperately, come to me again.

The right thing to do? Go and get clean...go to meetings, as a way of life/recovery. Get a sponsor to talk to when you're feeling the way you are. That's what they're there for. Have a STRONG support network in place. People that you can call in the middle of the night, when using seems to make sense. You've been given alot of great advice...

If I was a moderator, I'd close this thread about now. The answer is obvious. Just like you found pills in your grandfather's shirt pocket, trust addiction to creep into your life exactly that way. It's like satan will remind you...tempt you...to never forget you're an addict. Finding those pills the way you did, picking out that shirts, of all the shirts you had to choose from the odds, etc, It's like it was destiny; meant to be. NOT. BULLSHIT. What it is though, is a great analogy...a brilliant analogy to share w others, about how adidction is always present. How every minute is a choice. You were not "meant" to take those Dilaudid. There is not one good reason, given your situation. A hot piss test right now would undo everything you did...who would trust you? You'd have to start over, and start re-building trust w the people in your life....again.

If you were actively working recovery, you would;ve either thrown the pill bottle you found like it was on fire and ran as fast as your legs would carry you...not just "reported" them to your grandmother. You would've given them to her, out of your reach. If you've been obsessing about the dillies you have hidden....you're an addict.

There really are people that leave narcotics untouched. I was a pharmacy tech at one time...prior to when I was using. One day, I was "wrapping" Valium, name brand, w the "v" cut out in the middle. "Wrapping" meant putting a tablet into an opening, and when the machine is turned on, it pushes the Valium into yet another opening, to where it drops onto paper, plastic then goes over it, and heat melts the seams together....I was literally sitting in a room all day, with industrial sized bottles of name brand Valium wrapping valium. There was about ten bottles there. I had no burning desire for them.They could've been Mortin for all I cared. took two-2-"just in case".I put them in my bedside table....and forgot I had them. I also had 9 out of 10 percocet left over from when I had dental work. I had them in my pantie drawer, and forgot about them...

When I develeoped a condition that causes excruciating pain, that's when I started taking pills. The pain won. It was difficult to get me to even take a pill...at one time. I got addicted to oxy's, which was the gateway drug to H...now I'm shooting H. I'm wise enough to never say never, but shooting heroin was in the "highly unlikely" category of my life. "Never becomes always.". Remember that. Stop while you are way ahead in the game. I wish you the very best. S