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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards

BDD Addiction Thread: Truth, lies and a bottle of pills.

Tripman

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Dec 9, 2009
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Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial, but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past.

The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction, even though prior to the onset of his addictive illness, and often still in areas as yet untouched by the addiction, he may be scrupulously honest.

First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.

Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress.

One of the chief ways the addiction protects and strengthens itself is by a psychology of personal exceptionalism which permits the addict to maintain a simultaneous double-entry bookkeeping of addictive and non-addictive realities and to reconcile the two when required by reference to the unique, special considerations that àat least in his own mind- happen to apply to his particular case.


I went to post this in a recent thread about smoking crack however the thread was closed so it resulted in being a PM and I thought that it might be beneficial to make a thread about it.

Lets bring only the truth to this thread.

Do you lie to yourself about your drug use, considering yourself not addicted and that you can stop at anytime?

I want to see who here can accept the fact of their addiction and are either trying to get help, or is accepting of the addiction and trying to live their life around it.
 
I'm glad Buprenorphine works for your pain Captain. I recently used bupe for opiate maintenance and managed to reduce my heroin use to only occasionally for recreation.

Benzodiazepine addiction was my worst problem. I would lie, doctor shop do anything I could to get more. At first I was prescribed them for very real anxiety/panic problems and insomnia. Of course my tolerance sky rocketed and resulting use basically erased a few years from my life. The last two years of my life have sort of disappeared in a haze of benzo blackouts.

Thankfully I am now Benzo clean after checking myself into detox. It took two years of memory loss and pain for me to accept that I had a problem. Even though at times I was taking 30+mg alprazolam daily and grams of valium.
 
I was only 16 when I walked out of the doctors office with a prescription for 75 x 2mg alprazolam a month. Shortly after that the same doctor was prescribing me 10mg valiums as a muscle relaxant to go with the xanax. Needless to say it wasn't long before I was trapped in a benzo-haze/prison.

It is not a life at all. Most of it is blank, and huge chunks don't exist anymore in my memory banks. 2 years...gone.

I did and said things I would have never dreamt of doing. The stories I would hear about myself were unreal. I would often be quoted as saying "I did what?" The bits and pieces I do recall of that era are sources of great shame to me, although all I can do now is try to forget about it and better myself instead.

I did what I had to do to get clean, it almost killed me. I was on a similar high-dose too...the withdrawals were pretty bad. Had a few "episodes" where my lungs just forgot how to breathe I guess. I almost suffocated on the floor of my living room that night. My chest was like...paralyzed. Pretty scary shit. Had a couple of seizures...the whole gambit. It was an experience I never wish to repeat.

When all was said and done I had lost my place, my girl, my mothers trust and my best friend.

Now that I'm going on (almost) 3 years benzo free, I must say it is so much nicer to be able to remember things and not fall asleep randomly from the benzo-rich polydrug cocktails I was ingesting so regularly.
 
i can relate, benzos and ghb robbed me of many years of my life, along with alcohol, speed/opie iv addiction/infatuation.. i am just now at the age of 29 cutting down on the benzos(a couple more months) and dealing with the physical and mental damage from those lost years. partially paralyzed, trouble walking etc etc. even though i cant just eat 10mg clonaz anytime i dont feel like thinking anymore, i think my life is getting better.
 
I believe I see myself in the future as a stimulant user regularly, and benzo user

benzos for legit anxiety tho (i learned my lesson VERY early, recreational doses equal recklessness and ending up iny a mental hospital)

i never used any drugs daily. I've always been a withdrawal-avoider.
 
I can see that I am not the only one who finds Benzodiazepines to be the ultimate evil.

You just don't care about things when you're on them.
 
I'm not sure exactly what to do with myself. I'm dependent upon a lot of meds (that are Rx'ed). I take 240 50-mg tramadols/month, 180 300-mg gabapentins/month, and 90 10-mg flexerils (a total of 510 pills for different types of pain/month) for chronic back pain stemming from degenerative disk disease, herniated disks, hyperkyphosis (hunchback), and pinched/compressed nerves including sciatica; I also have sever neck pain, but I have not had an MRI of my c-spine, so I don't exactly know whats wrong with it. I've been on a cane because of an accident-well...incident is a better word-back in January. I've been on this cane too long, and now I can't walk properly without it, and I'm starting to have shooting/stabbing/cutting pain going down my good leg (the one that I don't use the cane for). I don't feel as though I'm addicted to these pills because I realize that I'm dependent on them, and that I need them (if you can wrap your head around that), but as I said, I need these medications and everyone is always talking about how I need to quit taking so many pills.

I'm at a loss as to what I need to do because I can barely function with these meds as it is. I dunno though. I guess to answer the question asked by the OP...I'm accepting my dependence as it is and deal with it as I go. I can't work even with these meds, so I don't see any other way to deal with these problems. If I can start squeezing my neck where it's sore and start having the feelings of dopamine (or is this norepinephrine or endorphines?) releases with the fuzzy feeling going up my neck and my head and feeling my hair stand on edge-keep in mind this is just from me, myself rubbing it-something needs to happen, or I need to be on something. I just can't live without being in misery at all times without these meds, so I dunno what to do. If anyone has any advice/suggestions, it would be appreciated, because even with all the shit I take, I'm still in A LOT of pain. I was doing PT until it couldn't be afforded anymore, and while it didn't feel as though I was making any progress; it was keeping me from digressing as I realize now. I've gained 60 lbs since January from my extremely sedentary life. I feel as though to be able to do anything moderately physically challenging, I'd need C-II medications, but I'm not going to be put on anything like this.

Hopefully on my next doctor's visit, on Nov. 8, I'll be able to get some breakthrough pain meds (which I realize equals even more pills, but it also equates to less pain and therefore less misery) as long as the doctor approved it (I've been seeing a nurse practitioner as of late) and I pass a UA. I dunno, maybe I'm being a pussy about all of this, but I'm not going to lie, not a day goes by recently that I don't think of ending the misery permanently. I would probably never actually act on these thoughts, but they do pop up in there quite frequently, and they have for a few years.

But I'm probably boring the mods that are kind of required to read this, and anyone else that has bothered to read this far so I'll end storytime. Just thought I'd reply here.
 
Doug2113,

For the discs in my low back and neck the only pain med I take now is Oxycodone. Like you, I also have degenerative disk disease along with arthritis. My average Oxycodone a day is 120mg - 150mg. The sad part is there are some days I could get by on way less to maybe none...but then the addiction is thrown into the mix, so I have to take "a get-by minimum of 90mg," whether it's needed for pain or not! And when I say "get-by," I mean just barely where I feel like crap!

For my low back I also use a portable TENS unit and a "Teeters Hang-ups" inversion table. (You may have seen the ads for them? I have one that's over 10 years old.) For my neck/headaches I use a microwave moist heat wrap and the TENS unit. The meds will ONLY dull the headaches, but the TENS will straighten out the discs in my neck and a lot of times get rid of the headache. Not as often as with my neck, but sometimes the TENS will straighten out the discs in my low back...if nothing else, it will dull the pain.

They have probably used a table version on you in your PT? Having a portable one and being able to ware it for as long as/when needed, it works a lot better than the 15 minutes they hook you up to it...I KNOW it does for me!!! It did nothing for me for such a short time period in PT, or at the chiropractor!

When you see your doctor on 11-8-11, maybe ask him/her about a TENS unit.

BTW, IMO, Tramadol for what you have, SUCKS!!! I tried it for a few months bought over the web when I was between doctors (after retiring and moving from California to Florida) and it did next to nothing, but introduce me to wonderful W/D's for the first time!

not a day goes by recently that I don't think of ending the misery permanently.

I think that has crossed most of our minds living with this, or worse...I KNOW it has mine!!! You NEED to do what's needed for you to get that out of your mind, now!!! You know what you’re living with, but if you follow through with it, you DON'T know what you will end up with!!! Then you are STUCK with it for eternity with no way out. What do you have left on this earth? 20 years? Even 50 years? So short compared to eternity, which we can't even comprehend!!!

Leaping Gnome
 
I don't have any physical pain. I have fucked my life up from making terrible decisions and really bad judgement. If I don't have benzos or some sort of opiate, my depression is overwhelming and prevents me from functioning. I'm 42 years old, I have shit to show for it, live in the guest room at my mothers house. I have 4 felony convictions, and because of this, am unable to get a job making a liveable wage . I see no way I will ever be independent . I was a musician for over 25 years and though somehow that I would be able to eke out a living with that, but it ain't gonna happen. I've become a total recluse, rarely leave the house. My attitude generally sucks, I have no self confidence and I'm sure this is obvious when I go for job interviews. The only job that I can do is drive a wrecker, so having a shitty attitude for that is pretty much par for the course, but I hate the job and it makes me even more miserable . My dad recently committed suicide, I got laid off my most recent job this last July, so I took time off to detox from subutex and xanax, which was a nightmare. Now that I have no Rx's to make feel feel decent enough to have a good attitude about anything, I just don;t give a shit about anything. I am broke unless I sell more of my music gear - which I don;t plan on using anymore, and then I spend the money on drugs to feel better temporarily, then the drugs run out and I'm back in the same situation. I don't see any way out of this situation, and I really don't care if this is an inappropriate post for this thread . I'm sick of feeling like shit and I'm pissed off. Delete my post if you want. I just need to get this shit off my chest, not that it will change or help anything, but there it is. My life sucks .
 
No, I won't delete your post, nsauce, feel free to PM me if you need anything.

I like this thread. While it does sort of cross into TDS territory, I still like it.
 
I like this thread too, I came in sure I was going to have to close or move it, but it's nice to see this sort of thing discussed outside TDS. Might make some people think.. TDS is usually where you go when you know you're in too deep, this might catch people before they get to that point.. :)
 
Off stimulants for good...

After 8 months or so of coke and amphetamines, I'm stopping completely.
Been having some abdominal pains, had a blood test done and they found highly elevated liver enzymes, which basically means my liver is working too hard to clear out toxins. Apparently I was very close to acute liver failure. It's been two days without, I'm not having any pain, I'm exercising, eating a lot and smoking a lot of weed to keep myself occupied.

buttt, I have like 15 40mg Focalins and some addies left, I'm about to just throw them out haha

so just a heads up to anyone who starts getting upper-right abdominal pain, it may be liver toxicity. Do not wait until it's too late.
 
Damn, sounds nasty. Did the doctor know about your drug use? Did he say specifically what caused the liver problems?

And don't throw em out, give em to me :p
 
Thank you for the warning, Louis.. hard to say what has caused it at this point, but I'm glad you're stopping the amphetamines just in case, and it is very good advice for anyone worried about their liver to get it checked out. Sometimes it causes right upper quadrant pain, sometimes not, so if you've been abusing a lot of drugs (especially alcohol) it's a good plan to get it checked out..

Good luck <3
 
Seurosis of the liver at 28 is no joke. (i.e me) I wish I had caught it sooner. However I had no warning in my situation with in 9 months my liver went from operating fine to you have 6months left to live. Lucky I got my act together in time.
 
Anytime Lefty. I thought it'd be nice to see a thread like this where we can all support each other and as nsauce put it, get things off our chests.
 
Seurosis of the liver at 28 is no joke. (i.e me) I wish I had caught it sooner. However I had no warning in my situation with in 9 months my liver went from operating fine to you have 6months left to live. Lucky I got my act together in time.
i dont think amps killedur liver in 8the months by itself tho

you were probably genetically predisposed to it
 
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