AlphaOdure
Bluelighter
I figure i'd make this as quick as I can & and hopefully tell a cautionary tale.. as barbiturates are widely available via COD orders through "online pharmacies" in the US.
My recent venture down the dark side first started with the ban of carisoprodol.. leaving me with a 30-40 pill a day habit & nowhere to turn. I remember a past order I had received in error of butalbital & it adequately relieved carisoprodol cravings—so I decided to start ordering, what else could I do? The transition had some minor depression for about a week as the euphoria wasn’t as immediate. But things crept up over about 3 years.
I got to the point where I needed 1750mg-2000mg of butalbital daily to function; 1500mg and I could maybe eat. The effects were of a typical barbiturate once built up in the system; nodding, analgesia at these doses—particularly with my subutex—and euphoria. Greater than soma, and in fact the few times I got a hold of carisoprodol during this time & the usual dose of 1400mg did absolutely nothing for me.. of course this could've been related to CYP enzymes that barbiturates are known to interact with.
Fast forward to this year, 2014. Income dries up; can’t afford pills and they're becoming less accessible in the “grey-market” as often as I need them to stay well. I'm usually 6'0", a hefty 170-180 lbs (77-88 kg); was down to 140 lbs (60-63 kg). I had a loaded gun to my head but couldn't bare having my grandfather finding me shot w/ his own very rifle, so left the house; .22 caliber to my head; gun jammed—I did not want to experience withdrawal like that ever again (most I could survive was 5 days previously) & I’ve been through a heroin & fentanyl cold turkey withdrawal, along w/ precipitated withdrawal from 100mg of methadone/day from my buprenorphine back when I kicked opioids in ’07. So went to the ER; they sent me to the state psychiatric ward where they actually took care of me THIS TIME. I was put on phenobarbital (4x 100mg tabs, highest dosage available, 4x a day), kept giving me my 4mg/day subutex, 3000mg/day gabapentin, was put on a mere 15mg temazepam for sleep, but was completely leveled out; just no euphoria.
That is until day 10, they rapidly dropped by phenobarbital so that by day 14 I had only taken 100mg all day. I had a seizure that went unattended to because the doctors didn’t see the full event, despite several patients who caught me keel over backwards yelling bloody murder “seizure! Seizure!”—nonetheless they released me the next day as planned. Doctor wouldn’t even refer me to a neurologist.
Then about a month later in late February '14; I had just lost my job. Shit hit the fan, was back on the butalbital b/c I was not weaned properly and was starting to have delirium tremens when got out of the hospital along w/ unending anxiolysis. Bought a 180 bottle w/ my final cash and attempted suicide. I would’ve choked to death if I hadn’t passed out on my recliner rather than my bed (b/c I always sleep on my back). My grandparents found me w/ a shallow pulse w/ vomit all over my mouth & down my neck the next morning (was told this afterwards—no memory aside from suicide attempt). Otherwise? Would’ve went out like Hendrix, except w/ a shitter barbiturate.
I apparently was in the ER and my family was starting the after-death/next-of-kin process b/c our shitty hospital did no toxicology report & had no idea what I was on (they thought it was just tylenol--morons). I was in a barbitic coma & pupils were not responding. However, I was supposedly improving w/ a ventilator & woke up on day 3 in the ICU. I was there for 12-14 days—explained to them my dependencies. I was given my subutex, but only 2mg of IV lorazepam every 4 hours. None the less, the REAL delirium tremens starting really kicking in around day 5-6.. they’re countless, but I’ll mention a few:
Anyway, after day 12, 13, or 14 in the ICU I was being kicked out & they wouldn’t accept me in their psych ward; nope—sent me back to the same shithole state-psychiatric hospital. And guess what? Delirium tremens increased exponentially for about 2-3 weeks, w/ increased delirium & paranoia. They completely refused me ANY GABAergic medications. They knocked down my gabapentin from 3000mg/day to 900mg/day and refused to give me any GABAergic emergency meds even during the 3 seizures I experienced there. Oh right, I’m sure the fucking 750mg of depakote helped, eh?
Spent 32 days there. I am home, clean off barbiturates but I am untreated for severe anxiety & the epilepsy i've had since age 14 (although I have an appointment w/ a neurologist Jul 23). So I do have a small etizolam habit. But, if I run out? At least beer and some phenibut can take care of it—unlike w/ barbiturates; NOTHING works when you're out but more barbiturates
I wish this cunt for a worthless doctor could be sued for malpractice during my 2nd stay for refusing to treat my 3 seizures or refusing to bring me to a hospital for evaluation; because I am still having lasting psychiatric issues from them.. as well as PTSD from the delirium tremens experiences in the psychiatric ward—and since I’m an addict, no medications beyond glorified prescription first-generation-anticholinergics/antihistamines like hydroxyzine are prescribed to me. My 3000mg gabapentin dose, which is some measure of anxiolytic relief, wasn't even reinstated.
Wish me luck. I'm stable on the etizolam for now, but not w/ the income to really afford it (despite having the cheapest vendor that exists hands down)--the depakote seems to help. Hopefully i'll be able to slowly reduce the etizolam w/ just phenibut & beer in between (smith & forge hard cider to be precise
)
I will say, i've tripped several times since getting out & this has done more for my mental well being than anything else. Particularly 100mg IM'd 4-Ho-MiPT (w/ several 30mg "plateau doses" to make it last a good 7-8 hours for an intense experience) along with 8mg IM'd 3-MeO-PCP. I suppose it gave me a weaker-version of what i'd ibogaine to be like; but it's kept shit in perspective for me--and brought my etizolam tolerance down from 500mg a day to only 100mg/day. Still high, but not astronomical like before--and still reducing; especially w/ every trip i take.
Psychedelics are truly healing tools for me.
My recent venture down the dark side first started with the ban of carisoprodol.. leaving me with a 30-40 pill a day habit & nowhere to turn. I remember a past order I had received in error of butalbital & it adequately relieved carisoprodol cravings—so I decided to start ordering, what else could I do? The transition had some minor depression for about a week as the euphoria wasn’t as immediate. But things crept up over about 3 years.
I got to the point where I needed 1750mg-2000mg of butalbital daily to function; 1500mg and I could maybe eat. The effects were of a typical barbiturate once built up in the system; nodding, analgesia at these doses—particularly with my subutex—and euphoria. Greater than soma, and in fact the few times I got a hold of carisoprodol during this time & the usual dose of 1400mg did absolutely nothing for me.. of course this could've been related to CYP enzymes that barbiturates are known to interact with.
Fast forward to this year, 2014. Income dries up; can’t afford pills and they're becoming less accessible in the “grey-market” as often as I need them to stay well. I'm usually 6'0", a hefty 170-180 lbs (77-88 kg); was down to 140 lbs (60-63 kg). I had a loaded gun to my head but couldn't bare having my grandfather finding me shot w/ his own very rifle, so left the house; .22 caliber to my head; gun jammed—I did not want to experience withdrawal like that ever again (most I could survive was 5 days previously) & I’ve been through a heroin & fentanyl cold turkey withdrawal, along w/ precipitated withdrawal from 100mg of methadone/day from my buprenorphine back when I kicked opioids in ’07. So went to the ER; they sent me to the state psychiatric ward where they actually took care of me THIS TIME. I was put on phenobarbital (4x 100mg tabs, highest dosage available, 4x a day), kept giving me my 4mg/day subutex, 3000mg/day gabapentin, was put on a mere 15mg temazepam for sleep, but was completely leveled out; just no euphoria.
That is until day 10, they rapidly dropped by phenobarbital so that by day 14 I had only taken 100mg all day. I had a seizure that went unattended to because the doctors didn’t see the full event, despite several patients who caught me keel over backwards yelling bloody murder “seizure! Seizure!”—nonetheless they released me the next day as planned. Doctor wouldn’t even refer me to a neurologist.
Then about a month later in late February '14; I had just lost my job. Shit hit the fan, was back on the butalbital b/c I was not weaned properly and was starting to have delirium tremens when got out of the hospital along w/ unending anxiolysis. Bought a 180 bottle w/ my final cash and attempted suicide. I would’ve choked to death if I hadn’t passed out on my recliner rather than my bed (b/c I always sleep on my back). My grandparents found me w/ a shallow pulse w/ vomit all over my mouth & down my neck the next morning (was told this afterwards—no memory aside from suicide attempt). Otherwise? Would’ve went out like Hendrix, except w/ a shitter barbiturate.
I apparently was in the ER and my family was starting the after-death/next-of-kin process b/c our shitty hospital did no toxicology report & had no idea what I was on (they thought it was just tylenol--morons). I was in a barbitic coma & pupils were not responding. However, I was supposedly improving w/ a ventilator & woke up on day 3 in the ICU. I was there for 12-14 days—explained to them my dependencies. I was given my subutex, but only 2mg of IV lorazepam every 4 hours. None the less, the REAL delirium tremens starting really kicking in around day 5-6.. they’re countless, but I’ll mention a few:
- smoking imaginary cigarettes
- playing imaginary videogames w/ my girlfriend when visited (TV was off)
- convinced the TV was speaking to me
- convinced the crisis in Crimea was a fault of mine
- I thought the Russians were speaking to me through the tv (even when it was off)
- thought I was a psychic and was being attacked mentally by one of the nurses who could invade my mind.
- this happened on several occasions
- at one point i had thought i was an avonte autism
- I also maintained this delusion that all language was based on calculus, and if i could just get back into my highschool & college text books i could learn every language on earth.
- convinced that god's had continuously killed off the rest of the god's (i'm an atheist, always have been since age 18)
- I would imagine tv shows were on when the TV was off
- jumped out of bed, pulled out both the IV's in my neck (very unsanitary) & it took 5 people to restrain me, because I was convinced this one nurse was homosexually trying to tap into my mind and I was trying to get the fuck out of the hospital.
- I would have full blown conversations w/ people at work (used to work for AT&T as a customer service rep); so out of nowhere I’d start saying, “thank you for calling at&t my name is [AlphaOdure], how may I help you?”…”oh I’m very sorry to hear that but I’d be more than happy to look over your bill with you!” and I’d literally do this. Over and over.
- I kept thinking people were there & visiting; calling and after me; but they weren't.
- I’m forgetting some items but these are the ones that stuck out.
Anyway, after day 12, 13, or 14 in the ICU I was being kicked out & they wouldn’t accept me in their psych ward; nope—sent me back to the same shithole state-psychiatric hospital. And guess what? Delirium tremens increased exponentially for about 2-3 weeks, w/ increased delirium & paranoia. They completely refused me ANY GABAergic medications. They knocked down my gabapentin from 3000mg/day to 900mg/day and refused to give me any GABAergic emergency meds even during the 3 seizures I experienced there. Oh right, I’m sure the fucking 750mg of depakote helped, eh?
Spent 32 days there. I am home, clean off barbiturates but I am untreated for severe anxiety & the epilepsy i've had since age 14 (although I have an appointment w/ a neurologist Jul 23). So I do have a small etizolam habit. But, if I run out? At least beer and some phenibut can take care of it—unlike w/ barbiturates; NOTHING works when you're out but more barbiturates
I wish this cunt for a worthless doctor could be sued for malpractice during my 2nd stay for refusing to treat my 3 seizures or refusing to bring me to a hospital for evaluation; because I am still having lasting psychiatric issues from them.. as well as PTSD from the delirium tremens experiences in the psychiatric ward—and since I’m an addict, no medications beyond glorified prescription first-generation-anticholinergics/antihistamines like hydroxyzine are prescribed to me. My 3000mg gabapentin dose, which is some measure of anxiolytic relief, wasn't even reinstated.
Wish me luck. I'm stable on the etizolam for now, but not w/ the income to really afford it (despite having the cheapest vendor that exists hands down)--the depakote seems to help. Hopefully i'll be able to slowly reduce the etizolam w/ just phenibut & beer in between (smith & forge hard cider to be precise
)I will say, i've tripped several times since getting out & this has done more for my mental well being than anything else. Particularly 100mg IM'd 4-Ho-MiPT (w/ several 30mg "plateau doses" to make it last a good 7-8 hours for an intense experience) along with 8mg IM'd 3-MeO-PCP. I suppose it gave me a weaker-version of what i'd ibogaine to be like; but it's kept shit in perspective for me--and brought my etizolam tolerance down from 500mg a day to only 100mg/day. Still high, but not astronomical like before--and still reducing; especially w/ every trip i take.
Psychedelics are truly healing tools for me.
