yea, i admit it is fucked up that i took it...although its nothing he wouldnt do/hasn't done to me and many others plenty of times.
i agree that it was stupid and dangerous smoking it...although i did think it was pot or hash at first, what i smoked was a very small amount.
what i took did not make him sick. his sick wasn't dope sick...i know dope sick and this was a different kind of sick.
he takes prescription opiates daily (90mg Opana, 90 mg morphine) 1 mg xanax, and some other stuff for blood pressure and depression). he always runs out of the good stuff about a week to two weeks early. he's been scoring methadone, LEAN, and other stuff off the street. mixing all of this crap daily cant be safe.
as i said in my OP, i was concerned about the balloons i discovered, etc. i've seen alot of stuff being married to my addict but this is the first time ive seen the balloons. he goes on benges and that can be scary to observe from the outside looking in. the past few weeks he has been on a benge. i am not blind to the fact, although he thinks i am...i remind him that i was raised by addicts and know more than he thinks i do...he, on the other hand, is the son of a preacher man and feels as though he can fool the world with his charm and silver tongue
he doesnt do confrontation, nor does he allow himself to be questioned about his "actions" or allow himself to be verbally tagged or associated with any type of drug use or people who use. it doesnt matter how sweet/understanding/matter of fact i am, or "caught red handed" he is, he has never fessed up...it always turns into a fiasco (i know this because we've been there done that several times). I'm pretty sure this is called denial.
as for throwing out his needles/spoons/etc, i will always throw them away because they aren't ever his...there is always a story haha! one of the last excuses i got was "what the hell, baby? some junkies must've wondered up in the backyard with our big bullgog, banged some coke and left all thier stuff in my greasy old toolbox..." they even used our spoons from the house. i have to believe that he knew that i knew he was lying and that that shit was his.
I wasn't going to say anything to him, but after reading the responses on here, i decided to give it another try and talk to him.
so this go around, approached him with somewhat of a different tactic...which of course didnt gleem any light on the situation, except the fact that he's in total denial and doesnt feel like he can talk to his own wife/partner.
i told him that a few weeks ago i took what i thought was "hash" out of his box. first, i appologized for not telling him i took it and that it slipped my mind because he usually asks when something is missing. i told him that i smoked some of it and it made me sick feeling. i showed what i had left to him and curiously asked him what is was and why he thought it made me sick. he acted oblivious to the whole situation and very unconcerned and disconnected. he said "i dont know. maybe you got sick because you're pregnant"....mind you all, we havent had sex in months.
i made a joke about the no sex in months, his bad hash and i left it at that. he didnt ask for it back, he didnt say its not hash, he didnt get on to me for smoking it, he definately didnt say what it was or even claim to have ever scored it.
i told him that when i took the "hash", i saw balloons in his box and saw some balloons in the bathroom trash too. when i asked him why there were balloons in his box, he claimed that he saw them too and wanted to show and ask me if they were mine. Well, I wanted to know why didn't ya ever ask me? He clammed up and denied any association with the balloons. the story changes and i obviously am an idiot when it comes to identifying a balloon and dont know what i'm talking about. I ended the conversation by letting him know that i love him no matter what his closet looks like and reminded him that i dont judge.
the writing is always on the wall. i see it everyday. outside of the addict, he is the love of my life and a good man.
Now i feel like i've just vented alot of unnecessary jabber....which is never really productive.
how does one balance a recreational user (me) with an addict (him)? i'm beginning to think that there may never be a balance.
