I've tripped once. I'm going to give all of the details of what happened to me. I would enjoy the opinions of the experienced on what I can do to get better/move on.
Basically I need help. Ever since my first acid trip I've felt weird. I've felt like I've lost some connection to myself. My memories feel fuzzy. For example when I reflect on moments from my past I seem to view them in the third person, even though that's not how I experienced them. My sense of humor feels off. That's important because it's been a big part of my life, like a coping mechanism I guess. I've always been funny. Like really funny. Like I'm in the top college program for comedy writing in the US, funny. People still say I'm funny, but I don't make people laugh as much as I used for whatever reason. The instinctive shit I've been doing since I was very young to make people laugh doesn't seem to happen that much now.
Now I have to explain some of my past so I can explain my present efficiently. In high school, after not trying for years, I was pushed into caring by an awesome teacher. I got my shit together. It was wonderful. I found myself and shit. Yay. Up until I went to college I had never really smoked weed. I go to a college where weed is big and I wanted to try it. Soon I found myself friends with a group of stoners. Some of us went a little harder than others, I managed to make the jump into going hard. I was smoking quite a bit and buying like an eighth week for myself. While I was smoking all this weed every night out in the park my school work started to slide. Which is dumb to do your first semester and I regret it. I was stressed out and chain smoking unfiltered cigarettes and smoking weed all of the time. Eventually I had these two papers hanging over my head that I couldn't bring myself to begin because I was paralyzed by the idea of failing or not getting them done. Then about two weeks before I ended up tripping I was smoking with my friend out in the park. It was like 2 in the morning and one of the first really cold nights of the year. The city was deserted. We didn't go that far out into the park or anything (it's probably 50 feet form my dorm) and there's this homeless guy dragging a giant bag outside of the park as I'm packing the bowl. He sees us, we see him, I continue packing the bowl. I look up again and he's climbing over the fence around the park. Weird. I start putting my bowl away and look up again, this guy is now sprinting towards us. We run through the park and get into my dorm only for him to follow us inside where our campus security proceeds to constantly ask me if I go there while this dude waves a knife at me as I vomit from all the running I was doing. They eventually just made the guy leave. I never saw him again. The next day after filing a police report and everything I was really jumpy. Footsteps behind me freaked me out shit like that. I'm still a little jumpy at night. So two weeks later me and my other friend go out to a illegal dispensary (which unfortunately got busted later). I now have like a week to get these two papers done. My friend buys 4 tabs of acid that they happened to have. We were told that they had sold it to their friend and he had come back 12 hours later and bought like 60 tabs or something like that because it was so great. Now the group of my friends who didn't like to smoke as we did much judged us for going to a dispensary, buying something beyond weed, and even thinking about tripping. I had only done salvia before this. So we tripped like a day later, with these assignments hanging over my head, in the same park where I had been chased by the homeless guy earlier in the month. So we take the tabs and space them out and smoke after like 40 minutes. My friend is tripping balls. I feel weird but have no visuals. I closed my eyes and saw patterns and I thought about strange things but that was really it. I think this happened because I was stressed, hadn't slept, and had been coming down from adderall when I dropped. Later on I was in my friend's dorm. She didn't approve of our finals week activities. She was with a person who didn't know we were tripping. So while we're standing in her hallway I'm facing a mirror. It's been like 8 hours and we're still going. We were coming down, but while my friend was coming down gently and enjoying himself I was mostly confused. So I'm staring in a mirror and all of the sudden, this "friend", awful cunt rather, decides to bring up a joke I had made a few days before: that this trip was probably going bring out something latent in my mind like schizophrenia and I'll just lose my shit. I didn't mean it, I've always felt I was perfectly sane. She proceeds to tell me that I'm crazy and schizophrenic and fucked up and out of my mind and insane and all this shit that was not appropriate to say to someone that's tripping in my opinion. Now I just want to leave. But I can't vocalize it because I don't want everyone in the suite to know we're tripping because half the people were assholes and would have gone to our RA. So now I'm staring in a mirror hoping she'll stop while I question my own sanity as I begin to come down. The schizophrenic part was what terrified me. I was 18 and on acid which is supposedly a way for it to surface if it's in you. So she's basically convinced me at this point that I'm schizo, which would explain this odd trip I was having and why I wasn't hallucinating or anything. I finally managed to leave. We played video games and stuff but my friend who was tripping had come down while I still felt really strange. I felt hollow. Soon I was obsessing over this idea that I might be crazy. I started to get really over sensitive. When I smoked weed I would get bad panic attacks from being cold and feeling like I'm going to flash back. I got really depressed. My schoolwork the next semester went to total shit. And then on top of this I had reached the point where I had told myself I would come out of the closet. Yep closeted gay on top of all this. Then I came out, but this same girl who ruined my trip started telling people right after I told her, even though I had asked her not to because there were people I wanted to tell on my own. So all of this happened. Soon I was getting overwhelmed by sunsets. I just couldn't handle anything. It got to the point where I wanted to kill myself so I finally asked for help. I started doing neuro feedback but I was still a miserable motherfucker. I get anxious all the time for no reason and will still have a panic attack here and there. What should I do? I don't want this anymore. I feel a bit hollow still. Like a part of me broke off and spun away. Do you guys have any advice? Or ideas? Or anything? Has anyone felt like this before? It's been over a year since this happened and I'm still riding out residual effects.
Basically I need help. Ever since my first acid trip I've felt weird. I've felt like I've lost some connection to myself. My memories feel fuzzy. For example when I reflect on moments from my past I seem to view them in the third person, even though that's not how I experienced them. My sense of humor feels off. That's important because it's been a big part of my life, like a coping mechanism I guess. I've always been funny. Like really funny. Like I'm in the top college program for comedy writing in the US, funny. People still say I'm funny, but I don't make people laugh as much as I used for whatever reason. The instinctive shit I've been doing since I was very young to make people laugh doesn't seem to happen that much now.
Now I have to explain some of my past so I can explain my present efficiently. In high school, after not trying for years, I was pushed into caring by an awesome teacher. I got my shit together. It was wonderful. I found myself and shit. Yay. Up until I went to college I had never really smoked weed. I go to a college where weed is big and I wanted to try it. Soon I found myself friends with a group of stoners. Some of us went a little harder than others, I managed to make the jump into going hard. I was smoking quite a bit and buying like an eighth week for myself. While I was smoking all this weed every night out in the park my school work started to slide. Which is dumb to do your first semester and I regret it. I was stressed out and chain smoking unfiltered cigarettes and smoking weed all of the time. Eventually I had these two papers hanging over my head that I couldn't bring myself to begin because I was paralyzed by the idea of failing or not getting them done. Then about two weeks before I ended up tripping I was smoking with my friend out in the park. It was like 2 in the morning and one of the first really cold nights of the year. The city was deserted. We didn't go that far out into the park or anything (it's probably 50 feet form my dorm) and there's this homeless guy dragging a giant bag outside of the park as I'm packing the bowl. He sees us, we see him, I continue packing the bowl. I look up again and he's climbing over the fence around the park. Weird. I start putting my bowl away and look up again, this guy is now sprinting towards us. We run through the park and get into my dorm only for him to follow us inside where our campus security proceeds to constantly ask me if I go there while this dude waves a knife at me as I vomit from all the running I was doing. They eventually just made the guy leave. I never saw him again. The next day after filing a police report and everything I was really jumpy. Footsteps behind me freaked me out shit like that. I'm still a little jumpy at night. So two weeks later me and my other friend go out to a illegal dispensary (which unfortunately got busted later). I now have like a week to get these two papers done. My friend buys 4 tabs of acid that they happened to have. We were told that they had sold it to their friend and he had come back 12 hours later and bought like 60 tabs or something like that because it was so great. Now the group of my friends who didn't like to smoke as we did much judged us for going to a dispensary, buying something beyond weed, and even thinking about tripping. I had only done salvia before this. So we tripped like a day later, with these assignments hanging over my head, in the same park where I had been chased by the homeless guy earlier in the month. So we take the tabs and space them out and smoke after like 40 minutes. My friend is tripping balls. I feel weird but have no visuals. I closed my eyes and saw patterns and I thought about strange things but that was really it. I think this happened because I was stressed, hadn't slept, and had been coming down from adderall when I dropped. Later on I was in my friend's dorm. She didn't approve of our finals week activities. She was with a person who didn't know we were tripping. So while we're standing in her hallway I'm facing a mirror. It's been like 8 hours and we're still going. We were coming down, but while my friend was coming down gently and enjoying himself I was mostly confused. So I'm staring in a mirror and all of the sudden, this "friend", awful cunt rather, decides to bring up a joke I had made a few days before: that this trip was probably going bring out something latent in my mind like schizophrenia and I'll just lose my shit. I didn't mean it, I've always felt I was perfectly sane. She proceeds to tell me that I'm crazy and schizophrenic and fucked up and out of my mind and insane and all this shit that was not appropriate to say to someone that's tripping in my opinion. Now I just want to leave. But I can't vocalize it because I don't want everyone in the suite to know we're tripping because half the people were assholes and would have gone to our RA. So now I'm staring in a mirror hoping she'll stop while I question my own sanity as I begin to come down. The schizophrenic part was what terrified me. I was 18 and on acid which is supposedly a way for it to surface if it's in you. So she's basically convinced me at this point that I'm schizo, which would explain this odd trip I was having and why I wasn't hallucinating or anything. I finally managed to leave. We played video games and stuff but my friend who was tripping had come down while I still felt really strange. I felt hollow. Soon I was obsessing over this idea that I might be crazy. I started to get really over sensitive. When I smoked weed I would get bad panic attacks from being cold and feeling like I'm going to flash back. I got really depressed. My schoolwork the next semester went to total shit. And then on top of this I had reached the point where I had told myself I would come out of the closet. Yep closeted gay on top of all this. Then I came out, but this same girl who ruined my trip started telling people right after I told her, even though I had asked her not to because there were people I wanted to tell on my own. So all of this happened. Soon I was getting overwhelmed by sunsets. I just couldn't handle anything. It got to the point where I wanted to kill myself so I finally asked for help. I started doing neuro feedback but I was still a miserable motherfucker. I get anxious all the time for no reason and will still have a panic attack here and there. What should I do? I don't want this anymore. I feel a bit hollow still. Like a part of me broke off and spun away. Do you guys have any advice? Or ideas? Or anything? Has anyone felt like this before? It's been over a year since this happened and I'm still riding out residual effects.
