• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Backsliding

K

Keyani_Penguin

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
18
Location
Phoenix AZ
Ok, first off I apologize for length and if this is potentially triggering.

Anyways, so I've been single for 9 months now. Ever since my mooching ex decided to quit coming home and to shack up with a troll (seriously. This chick is beat). Its been 9 months since I've been laid or even had someone spend the night for company. I've battled depression for years and I think I peaked. I've gone on a few dates. In fact, I'm the queen of first dates. I just cant figure out why I cant get a 2nd date. I am just down about the whole thing. I have done really good with not abusing my rx and not self harming. However I fear I will end up doing both tonight.

Here's what happened. Went on a date last night. Had an amazing time. The guy even made plans with me for tonight and a few nights this week. Conversation was good. It was the most fun I have had in a while. Fast forward to this morning. I text him good morning, like I've done the last few days. I get a text back from him saying that he doesn't think it is going to work between us and that he only went out with me last night to make me feel good. Essentially the amazing date I had was a pity date. I cant even begin to explain how often this happens.

I'm really frusterated and down. I'm trying so hard not to cave and get high or cut. I've tried to rally my girls to hang out tonight but everyone is busy. I was honest with my bestie but she's unavailable tonight. I'm just kinds lost.

Any tips for me?

Cheers.
 
Wow... Thanks for expressing all that. Really, that must have been a terribly hurtful thing to have heard after such a stretch of having difficulties forming lasting relationships these past few months.

I can't explain to you why it happened. More than likely, your perception of how the interaction went is pretty accurate. Some around TDS know that recently I've struggled with somewhat similar issues - predominantly, unexplained severing of communication between us by the other party. Another member suggested that a large part of the reason that I beat myself over the head relentlessly over it is due to he absence of closure.

I hadn't thought about it in terms of closure. In fact, the relationships that recently tanked in my life were not sexual in nature at all, although in both cases we'd dance. Around the issue. Nevertheless, hearing those words given to me here made me realize that for me, "closure" means both seeking and retrieving answers to powerful questions that may linger following the blow. Things like, "What's wrong with me?" "Am I unappealing? Disinteresting, even?"

I used to indulge myself with these types of questions compulsively, and doing so never ailed to magnify the pain I was/am going through.

More often than not, in the process of over-analysis, I become So entrenched in myself that I fail to consider the more realistic possibility: That is, that it may be more of an issue with the OTHER person, rather than myself.

Reflecting back on the past year, might this be possible, too, in relation to your life? You yourself reported that this guy called you the next morning and told you that he took you out to patronize you. Whether or not that is true, someone worth being affected by simply isn't going to tell you something like that, and neither should you have to accept that from another person.

In the grand scheme, there's no true pressure to find Mr. Right as soon as possible. As you move about in your social life in these upcoming weeks, be reassured that your side of the street is swept; it's clean, and you're absolutely alright. You sound to me like a truly genuine, intriguing human being and, in dating others, work a little bit on weeding out he toxic folks from those who can be potentially healing to you.

It's what any one of us deserves; please don't lose sight of that one, not ever.

<3

~ Vaya
 
Guys don't do pity dates, not even in the movies. If they want to go out with a girl, they do. If they don't, well, then they don't. You only saw him once. I think he's a weasel for sending you a text and I was taught by my mother not to answer a text from a man. Works every time.

I sure as hell would not use over this.
 
Vaya, thank you so much for your reply. As much as it sucks to know that other people have go through this, its comforting to know other people understand.

I have not asked why because I don't want to know. I'm assuming its because of my weight 5'2" and 190lbs). I like my appearance but my dates get their panties in a bunch because I'm not a size 2. I don't miss lead them or anything. I know I'll find someone but its depressing because I'm 28 and the last to get into a long term relationship.

I don't want the closure because I don't want to hear what's wrong with me. 90% of the time I get rejected because of my looks. It sucks that people are so shallow.
 
Missykins said:
Guys don't do pity dates, not even in the movies. If they want to go out with a girl, they do. If they don't, well, then they don't. You only saw him once. I think he's a weasel for sending you a text and I was taught by my mother not to answer a text from a man. Works every time.

I sure as hell would not use over this.
Click to expand...

I get what your saying. I think the reason I want to use is because this puts me at a breaking point. I am so tired of being told I'm not good enough. It would just be nice to hear something positive for once.
 
A lot of people, unfortunately, seem to derive some type of pleasure by taking people on pity dates. Perhaps they actually believe that they are doing a *good* thing for the person. That really does not make much sense, though, if his intentions were only to make you feel good, why would he make you feel horrible by stating that in text?

If you feel like a lot of guys are taking out out because they feel sorry for you, then it probably is the case that you're projecting yourself in a way that only encourages this. Now before you think that I'm critisizing you, I'm not; I'm a pretty big pity part myself at times. There's nothing improper about feeling lousy, it happens to almost all of us. It's just that there are a lot of messed up people out there who will try and capitalise on it. What I would suggest is to hold back the bulk of the sadness and the pain until after you've gotten to know a person a little bit. Think of it similar to how people will typiucally not have sex until after an amount of time, trust, commitment, etc. has been established. Your darker emotions are very personal and very sensitive to you, so ideally you want to gauge people a bit before you show this side of yourself to them. A lot of the emphasis our culture puts on presenting fake happiness and strength, and then the whole "you need to love yourself before you can love someone else," is bullshit, and there are a lot of good people out there who would love to date someone who's not always smiles and laughter. Again, though, if you want to minimise the chances of getting hurt too often, you need to sort of play the dating game a bit, at least in the sense of easing your way into things.

Maybe you should change the places where you look for guys. Where did you meet this fellow, if you don't mind me asking? Where do you and your girlfriends typically go to meet guys?

As for the using/hurting, I think you know deep down that it's not going to really solve anything. In fact, it's probably going to make you feel worse for yourself and lead to you promoting a sad version of yourself for even longer. Why not try and do some things that you like in order to bring your self-worth back up a bit? Get better at something. If you have talents that you have not worked on for a while, get back into them. Take up something new. You'd be amazing at just how much better you'll feel once you have a few things down that you feel like in the present you've got down.
 
Keyani_Penguin said:
Vaya, thank you so much for your reply. As much as it sucks to know that other people have go through this, its comforting to know other people understand.

I have not asked why because I don't want to know. I'm assuming its because of my weight 5'2" and 190lbs). I like my appearance but my dates get their panties in a bunch because I'm not a size 2. I don't miss lead them or anything. I know I'll find someone but its depressing because I'm 28 and the last to get into a long term relationship.

I don't want the closure because I don't want to hear what's wrong with me. 90% of the time I get rejected because of my looks. It sucks that people are so shallow.
Click to expand...

Don't do him the pleasure of asking why--he didn't extend to you the courtesy of a phone call.

Sometimes during recovery we just have to tell ourselves that we're okay and that we're worth it. Or we go to a meeting.

What kind of program are you working? Do you have sober friends (i.e., friends in recovery) who know what it's like to really want to use and how not to? If no, then you need to get some because other people don't completely get it. They may want to be helpful but addiction is so far outside their realm of experience that they can only understand so much.
 
Keyani_Penguin said:
Vaya, thank you so much for your reply. As much as it sucks to know that other people have go through this, its comforting to know other people understand.

I have not asked why because I don't want to know. I'm assuming its because of my weight 5'2" and 190lbs). I like my appearance but my dates get their panties in a bunch because I'm not a size 2. I don't miss lead them or anything. I know I'll find someone but its depressing because I'm 28 and the last to get into a long term relationship.

I don't want the closure because I don't want to hear what's wrong with me. 90% of the time I get rejected because of my looks. It sucks that people are so shallow.
Click to expand...

Trust me, others understand. Don't blame your appearance. I'm sure you are as adorable as you sound! I'm a size 2. I'm tall and pretty with the face and body of a model. And I (rarely, or once in a great while get asked out), get that one date, and no call-backs. It's almost always just the one date....no idea why. (A difference between us, tho, I'm quite a bit older than you are, I have been married, had my children quite young - so they have left the nest, and a long-term relationship is not my goal, but a boyfriend would be nice!) All I know is the dates seem to go well, but I also realize if they want to date me, they will. But I'm not going to be someone I'm not just to snag a fella. And yeah, it does suck that people are so shallow.

I hope this doesn't cause you to backslide...the bums aren't worth it. Obviously you aren't the only one without a date tonight. *waves*
 
I really do appreciate all the replies. It feels good to have a place to let it out. I'm not going to relapse but I am definately having a pity party tonight. I'm just tired of the dating scene. People can be cruel. I'm just gonna take a deep breath and move on. :\
 
Am I invited to the party? :D ;)

Just know you aren't alone! There are tons of people who experience the same thing. And keep in mind that half of all marriages (today) end in divorce... a worthwhile relationship seems to be very allusive.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top