Backsliding Again

[ATLL765]

I don't know why I always fall apart like this. It's so unbelievably frustrating and it leaves me feeling so depressed shit by failures and how I've never managed to get anything right in my life.

About 3 months ago I finished a jail sentence. During my time incarcerated, my Mother died. I was allowed home to see her before this and attend funeral, but immediately returned to complete my sentence. Seeing my family when my Mother passed was nice, they all expressed their compassion for by situation and let me know that if I needed anything, I should just ask.

I return to finish the remaining 5-6 months of my sentence, but when I make attempts to contact my family, I get no response. I call several members, no answer. I write letters, but get no response. I have a friend relay messages via text, still nothing. This was heartbreaking. How could no one in my family care enough to take the time to answer a phone call or respond to a letter? In addition to it being painful to know no one in my family felt that it wasn't worthwhile to them to take a few minutes out of their day to talk to me for several months, but it also meant that my entire life would be a mess upon my release.

So in October when I was released, I find out that since the house I was living in was being put up for sale, they had it completely cleaned out. Meaning everything I ever owned or cared about was discarded without a second thought. They just threw away all my furniture, my electronics, thousands of dollars worth of fish tanks and equipment, all kinds of items that were irreplaceable due to their sentimental value. Worst of all, the letters my deceased girlfriend had written me were gone. They were the only thing I had left of her and meant more to be than any of the other items. I just don't understand how anyone could do that to someone, much less how my family could do it to me.

In addition to discarding all my possessions, as no one had bothered to contact me while I was away, no one had thought about the logistics of how I'd be getting by until I could secure a lease on a new apartment. So instead of coming home to comfort, I'm released and essentially homeless. This means I have to spend thousands of dollars in hotel rooms, eating out, a rental car as mine needed repairs since no one could be bothered to drive it around the block a few times while I was gone.

All this has made me feel about as terrible as I've ever felt about myself. I know I'm not the best person on the planet, but I really don't know what I could have done to deserve being treated this way. These people are supposed to be my family. They're supposed to care about whether I'm doing well or not. They're not supposed to care so little that they couldn't be bothered to talk to me a few times over 6 months so I could get my affairs in order prior to my release so I wouldn't have to spend so much money on hotels, food, and clothes that I only needed since all of mine were thrown away.

So now I'm using drugs daily and I want to stop, but how do I get help? I need the trustee of my account to provide me enough money to avoid withdrawal while I wait to get Medicaid coverage and find a detox facility with an open bed, but she didn't understand my situation. Her, along with my family feel like I'm recklessly spending this money. I probably spent s but too much money enjoying myself when I got home, but having to live in hotels for a month wasn't conducive to bring a homebody and bring conservative with my finances either. Plus, how can they say this after they are the reason I've needed to spend so much to purchase things I already had, but was thrown away by them?

How do get these people to help me at least get through the week or two it will take to get Medicaid coverage and find an open bed at a detox when I have so much resentment towards them and they feel like they need to control my finances because of some obligation they're pretending to feel to have this trust be used as my Mother would've wanted me to use it?

 

[Painful One]

So sad to hear this. Sounds like my family. Unbelievable!

My siblings tried to have me thrown out on the street the day after my dad died. I had just spent years caring for him alone through a horrific, rare disease called multiple system atrophy. I can't even talk about it more than that. I can't dwell there.

I feel your pain. You got to just let it go. They have not grown into human beings yet is the problem.
Don't hurt yourself over this. YOU have the power. Not them. Don't give them more of your energy than they are even worth.
You don't need any of those things, stuff is just stuff and is replaceable. Best to not get attached to things anyway.
I am very sorry to hear about the letters though and that you did not get to come home to comfort.

I know it is rough but these experiences are shaping you and making you strong. We should thank them actually.
It is all in how you respond my brother. Stay centered in your heart. You are loved.

 

[G.R.S.H.]

Some detox's (depending on your location) will help with the application for Medicaid, so that you can enter the detox asap, and still have it covered by Medicaid (it is active the day of application if/when approved). Maybe try to find one that will help you apply. Your experience with your family is horrible, to say the least. Dwelling on it will only hurt you, don't give them that power! Take good care of yourself.

 

[Shady's Fox]

I hope you live in States tho, you have a nice survival rate if you are streetwise enough. Now i can't recommend a place because you didn't specify your location tho with Medicaid, you are covered by them and pretty much they have a quick approval response -1 bout half week per top. I know how it's up to be in that position, i have been in jail for 4yrs and when i did got out got nowhere to go( don't want to began a thread about me since we talk about you, but I didn't have a family because it was murdered) but instead of going to motels and rent rooms try to go to a homeless shelter as i did and if you smart enough you can make some friends there that will help you not only now but on future, remember this is just a time or a life, but it could be just a moment, anyway you can pretty much save those money for some food/water/clothes, thing that are useful to you. Also in homeless shelters you can work and earn some bucks. Try to find a schoolbag, mattres, blanket & a abandoned building, now you are set in a place where you are ready to think and develop some ideas. I have a 2th hope that you carry your work certificate and ID's. But if you still have good friends that have their own apartament, the bath and a period bed it's already done, anyway you can't rely much on them but i think you already know that. Anyway stop rent cars and just use taxi or bus no one will laugh if you use them, now i don't want to be an asshole but you gotta save money that's one thing to always carry around you. About the girlfriend thing we are in the same place, weird it's that I have a picture you have a letter, mine was burned your's gone and lost, but be strong, try to talk to one of her friends so they can give you a video/audio with her, of course if you already have the better it is, maybe they have a photo that you didn't saw or maybe they have her birthday card with her writing. I know that most of time you just feel like erased memory, a infinite loop tape and a emptiness but I guess you have learned to love yourself because now it's the time to use it you know, it's time when you control your soul & brain not him, remember this, it's also the time that you accept the fact that you only have 1 true gold value friend which means you. This experience it's something that will learn you what's a life worth. Take care of your person and self, much love *sending a big big big hug*.