somnilicious
Bluelighter
I have flirted with the idea of starting one of these recovery journals for yrs. but because I am a chronic relapser I didn't want to be one of those people who started a thread only to disappear over and over again with no success but I know I am at a point where I am ready. I believe I am on day 5 of my detox from heroin(insomnia blurs the days together). For anybody who hasn't come across any of my posts I will give a quick synapses of my self. I had been trying to get clean from methadone and Xanax for yrs when I overdosed on heroin in March of 2015. What followed was a long journey that involved a week in the hospital. A baker act, which brought me to 2 weeks in the psych ward, another week in detox and then 60 days in rehab before going into sober living. I managed to stay sober a yr. that time and then relapsed/chipped boardering on minor withdrawals for 6mths. Went back to sober living and got another 8mths before I was derailed by my emotions for a female, which ended in a disastrous relapse in Medellin, Columbia.. I am now back at my parents after a couple more months of flirting with chronic use.
Today was an uneventful day.. I had a lot of anhedonia and conflicting emotions but I am used to dealing with negative feelings and detoxes so these feelings are absolutely normal to me and no big deal. The real challenges always start when I get back out into the workforce and around other people because then my nagging feelings of inferiority, body dismorphia, stress, desires and expectations of where and who I should be combine to form a potent adversary for my mental state. Right now I just feel depressed, lonely, bored and unable to get myself moving. The real feelings start when I start to judge myself in proportion to my peers. This is really my biggest obstacle in recovery that I must learn to deal with.
I had fallen for one of my best friends this last time in recovery and a measure of subsequent rejection turned into pity and self loathing, which I then turned into a form of self punishment, where I didn't feel worthy and I embraced self harm. I will definitely have to work on my self esteem to build a solid foundation that is totally divorced from the opinions of others. We live and learn. I have learned that you can either see lifes stumbles as failures or lessons. I choose the latter.
Thanks for listening to my B.S.... and for being there for me. I will be back with updates.. -Somni
Today was an uneventful day.. I had a lot of anhedonia and conflicting emotions but I am used to dealing with negative feelings and detoxes so these feelings are absolutely normal to me and no big deal. The real challenges always start when I get back out into the workforce and around other people because then my nagging feelings of inferiority, body dismorphia, stress, desires and expectations of where and who I should be combine to form a potent adversary for my mental state. Right now I just feel depressed, lonely, bored and unable to get myself moving. The real feelings start when I start to judge myself in proportion to my peers. This is really my biggest obstacle in recovery that I must learn to deal with.
I had fallen for one of my best friends this last time in recovery and a measure of subsequent rejection turned into pity and self loathing, which I then turned into a form of self punishment, where I didn't feel worthy and I embraced self harm. I will definitely have to work on my self esteem to build a solid foundation that is totally divorced from the opinions of others. We live and learn. I have learned that you can either see lifes stumbles as failures or lessons. I choose the latter.
Thanks for listening to my B.S.... and for being there for me. I will be back with updates.. -Somni
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