Ive been addicted to drugs for one and half to two years... well everything became a mess because I added many types of drugs to my daily drug intake after weed initially made me feel depressed and anxious at the same time. In a way, Ive always felt that weed is a bit of a mild polydrug in itself, by far its the drug that makes me feel most like I am stimulated, downed, on a hallucinogen and antipsychotic at the same time. In theory this may sound like a complete balance. In reality, it was just skewing my mind in every direction.
I never switched drugs, I just added, at first low doses of each, then doses which would be considered medium or often high doses on their own. I started abusing alcohol, then zopiclone, then benadryl and lorazepam, and I also seem to be addicted to tobacco.
While all drugs increased my addiction to these drugs, getting high on zopiclone (similar to ambien) after using weed and tobacco, and often alcohol, was by far the most disabling in terms of self-control. By the end of the night, I would black out about 2-3 nights of the week, these were often hallucinogenic or nod-like blackouts. Id have some hallucinations at first, like seeing punctuation and then sentences which werent in what I was reading and feeling like I was in some inter-dimensional room, and if I took at least 8-12 benadryl (my average for a few months) Id begin to see insects, decaying flesh, blood on whatever I touched, but at first I was enjoying these (while covering my fear). I also began to eat dexedrine, not in very high doses but combined with the other drugs, it just made the side-effects worse.
I felt like cameras were tracking my every move and there was a sense of eternal imprisonment, Id see the institutional prison walls and some horrible blood-filled hallucinations. Everything began shaking like my vision was about to rip apart, and I occasionally thought robbers, cops, or androids were breaking in. I went out maybe once or twice a month. I heard people talk about me, bad things about me, whenever two or more people would talk about something unrelated. It was surely something bad about me.
At the worst, I began seeing infinite deja-vu loops of third-person views and every room and building was a variation of the same prison. Grey, dark, and filled with surveillance. I became extremely antisocial, had constant suicidal thoughts and visions, and eventually became dangerous to others.
As far as I can tell, at age 16 I felt like I was aging many times the normal speed, I felt very old both physically and mentally, as if I was already developing dementia and psychosis.
Anyway, I reduced my intake substantially since then (4-6 months ago) and life is difficult but Im happy about my decision to stop drugs. Each drug had its own form of delusion, and in combination the drugs would play trick upon trick upon trick on me whenever Id try to quit.
Now Im back on it, I am still somewhat in control but I fear Ill quickly lose it. Im already using about ten pills, some beers, a good amount of weed, dexedrine and cigarettes again. And I am dabbling in some benadryl every few days as well. Im thinking of going to rehab, I wont allow myself to experience the suffering allover again but worse. I hope it will be rehab, it may be suicide. Fuck this world.
I never switched drugs, I just added, at first low doses of each, then doses which would be considered medium or often high doses on their own. I started abusing alcohol, then zopiclone, then benadryl and lorazepam, and I also seem to be addicted to tobacco.
While all drugs increased my addiction to these drugs, getting high on zopiclone (similar to ambien) after using weed and tobacco, and often alcohol, was by far the most disabling in terms of self-control. By the end of the night, I would black out about 2-3 nights of the week, these were often hallucinogenic or nod-like blackouts. Id have some hallucinations at first, like seeing punctuation and then sentences which werent in what I was reading and feeling like I was in some inter-dimensional room, and if I took at least 8-12 benadryl (my average for a few months) Id begin to see insects, decaying flesh, blood on whatever I touched, but at first I was enjoying these (while covering my fear). I also began to eat dexedrine, not in very high doses but combined with the other drugs, it just made the side-effects worse.
I felt like cameras were tracking my every move and there was a sense of eternal imprisonment, Id see the institutional prison walls and some horrible blood-filled hallucinations. Everything began shaking like my vision was about to rip apart, and I occasionally thought robbers, cops, or androids were breaking in. I went out maybe once or twice a month. I heard people talk about me, bad things about me, whenever two or more people would talk about something unrelated. It was surely something bad about me.
At the worst, I began seeing infinite deja-vu loops of third-person views and every room and building was a variation of the same prison. Grey, dark, and filled with surveillance. I became extremely antisocial, had constant suicidal thoughts and visions, and eventually became dangerous to others.
As far as I can tell, at age 16 I felt like I was aging many times the normal speed, I felt very old both physically and mentally, as if I was already developing dementia and psychosis.
Anyway, I reduced my intake substantially since then (4-6 months ago) and life is difficult but Im happy about my decision to stop drugs. Each drug had its own form of delusion, and in combination the drugs would play trick upon trick upon trick on me whenever Id try to quit.
Now Im back on it, I am still somewhat in control but I fear Ill quickly lose it. Im already using about ten pills, some beers, a good amount of weed, dexedrine and cigarettes again. And I am dabbling in some benadryl every few days as well. Im thinking of going to rehab, I wont allow myself to experience the suffering allover again but worse. I hope it will be rehab, it may be suicide. Fuck this world.
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