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Back in a hole

H

Havokk

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 16, 2010
Messages
86
Back to darkside for support I go. ( the short story) Recently had so much stress and anxiety from work and splitting up with my girl to friends and family problems.

Which brought back My depression after finally feeling happy again i relapsed. Took my script before my renewal, smashed a bunch of Valium, meth, alcohol n pretty much anything else i could get for a high. Now I'm sitting here withdrawing hard and can't get nothing and don't want to act on my suicidal thoughts as I have before which just bought more Trouble. But I don't know what else to do I'm finding it really hard to cope at the
Moment.

Any suggestions.
 
Hey man...don't beat yourself up about it. If you can see what led up to the binging and work on those issues, then you should be able to avoid doing so in the future. Stress is a killer for that, it's something that I've had to work on over the past several years.

I also had a rough weekend, I still feel that I have not physically regained all my energy yet. I felt guilty that I used more than I had planned, and ended up in a pretty dark state of mind. But I'm trying to look at what is going on in my life and use it as an opportunity to deal with situations that I was trying to ignore. I think that if we can deal with whatever we are trying to cope with (if this is the purpose the substance use) then we should be better able to control our consumption or not even feel the need to at all.
 
Cheers guys trying hard to stay with it. Just can't sleep
N keep getting hot n cold flushes and stuck in a massive loop
With myself just constant shit thoughts.
 
Do you have any tools that you are using to deal with the stress when it comes? Like meditation, exercise, calling somebody, etc.? Whenever I neglect taking care of myself I my behavior tends to shift more toward coping mechanisms that are not so effective.
 
I fucked up last night! Got really drunk to try deal with everything n ended up tying a noose by the end of the night and pushed the chair being seconds away from death my mums boyfriend found me' and lifted me' up and pulled the rope off. Now my mums really shooken up. I'm still withdrawing hard and wish I never got found I'd rather be dead than experience this shit! But all these failed attempts! I mean someone still wants me' alive. I just have no hope left and really don't know where to go from here..
 
Havvok, am so sorry your going through this.:( I know what a Nightmare it is to be in that State and how overwhelming it is. I know your Mothers upset after what happened but am so glad that her b/f found you. Seems you know already that your trying to deal with too much on your own, stuff NO-ONE can handle by themselves!
You need to get this shit out of you!! You deserve to get this shit out of you and stop believing/thinking that all the problems youv'e experienced recently start and end with you, because this is not the Truth, its not going to change anything about your circumstance, its only confusing bullshit thats easy to pick on when one feels so devestated- Give yourself a fking break you've been through enough already!
Please consider going to Doctor/Psychol/Meeting or reaching out to someone/something ANYTHING, this is the time to do it! You cant be shouldering all this shit yourself you need support and to start supporting yourself now.
Take it easy on yourself pet, focus on trying to stay sober and keep yourself in some good company.<3
 
^ thanks for the advice it's really helped I've been back and forwards, in and out, of hospitals all week talking with doctors and phycs. So hopefully I get the help I need. I'm currently
On a tapering system to get of the valiums after self
Medicated even though when taking them I feel normal and alive but they are really against benZos and I know why. Due to addiction, dependence and withdraws which is fair enough. But I know when I'm done with this tapering system there going to try stick me back on anti pshycotics which I dislike and think there no good. I am not bipolar nor
Do I have psychosis, but what else can I do? I guess I need to just relax, chill out stop taking on everyones problems and zone out from some of mine, take a holiday and find myself.

Once again cheers for the advice, hopefully this time I don't end back under the rope or knife.

Peace!
 
I think you said it best...

I guess I need to just relax, chill out stop taking on everyones problems and zone out from some of mine, take a holiday and find myself.
Click to expand...

Just tell yourself things are ok today dont worry about anybody but yourself, it might sound selfish but that is what I had to do to deal with all my drug issues. Block out the outside world and just concentrate on getting better, it doesnt happen overnight. That takes effort and a huge willingness to do things that are uncomfortable and foreign but the results can be very good. Keep trying, dont worry about what happens when the valium is gone just deal with today. When that day comes deal with that than, no sense getting worried about it, you know?

peace.
seedless
 
Oh there going to try put me' on seroquel.. Any thoughts or suggestions by the way to all this or where I should go.

Would be greatly appreciated. :)
 
bagochina said:
I think you said it best...



Just tell yourself things are ok today dont worry about anybody but yourself, it might sound selfish but that is what I had to do to deal with all my drug issues. Block out the outside world and just concentrate on getting better, it doesnt happen overnight. That takes effort and a huge willingness to do things that are uncomfortable and foreign but the results can be very good. Keep trying, dont worry about what happens when the valium is gone just deal with today. When that day comes deal with that than, no sense getting worried about it, you know?

peace.
seedless
Click to expand...

Yea man cheers I totally see were you coming from and take one proble at a time and worry about the otherones when they come. At the moment just trying to chill out but like I said the vals have a big part of that but I'm gonna try my hardest to not let it get to me' and try find my own relaxing techniques like meditation and exercise just need motivation which I will find.

:)
 
man fuck i feels 4 ya coz im in a hole similar, an tryin to climb out...
I on clonzepam, drink occasionaly, smoke weed,am also got oxys n CWE type of shit sometimes, I feel im trying to escape reality on a similar kind of plain.
Ur having an extreme down from what i read, u gotta hang on but.
Even when theres no light @ the end of the tunnel:\
and as for seroquel, i had that shit for like 3 or 4 days and it really fucked with my head, memory loss, deep depression etc and id still wake durin the night.
BUT that was me it may work for you, but yer id say if u start on it and shit starts getting wierd u dump it fast and go back to ur doctor.
 
^ yea man this hole sucks hey but as people keep saying it will hopfully make us a stronger person when we find our way out. Yea I was smoking weed and drinking occasionally now I'm on watch like 24/7 and can't do any drugs or nothing I have to be a golden boy at the age of 19 it fucking sucks. Not to mention festival season is here in aus. So that's a heap of pressure.

Yea I hear what your saying about the seroquel I'm not keen on it but I guess it's the only option there giving me' but as soon as any bad side affects cone along I'm off it for sure.
 
So glad you got help from your trusty BL friends.

When all else fails and you feel like relapsing, blast your favorite music as loud as you can stand it.

This one got me through some extremely tough times...withdrawing from methadone cold-turkey after being on it every day for 6 months straight:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFHD1izG08k
 
Damn, spaceyourbass, you're right about that song, I don't think I've ever enjoyed an Alice In Chains song as much as I enjoyed that. One helluva bass line too. That singer completely embodied addiction to such a huge degree, even if I'd known nothing about him I'd have known the second he walked out on that stage that he was strung out, yet so talented.

Anyway, I'm straying from the subject. To the OP, I know how you feel and have had those moments, I've found it's best to not act on any extreme impulses when that intoxicated, the feelings pass eventually. You have a lot of support here and always remember "This too shall pass." Hope you are feeling better.
 
I so agree with the music thing also, However its gota b the right music, sometimes sad lyrical content puts one down further, i have found this to be true, can react pretty emotonaly when i hear words of /or certain songs. stay on what makes u feel good, no downer music:\
 
I can totally relate, tho i'm in the Pacific Northwest so worlds apart really ...

The seasons changing, a world of absolutely crazy people, and a tsunami bi-polar crash have left me down in a hole, alice-in-chains style [unplugged version] ...
NSFW:
...Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart, I decorate it like a grave
You don't understand who they thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man, who wont let himself be

Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, losing control
I'd like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied

Down in a hole, and they've put all the stones in their place
I've eaten the sun so my tongue has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth
I will breathe no more of my feelings beneath

Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, losing my control
I'd like to fly
but my wings have been so denied ...


Any time I feel this way I know I'm in for a life-and-death week, but I view it so fatalistically that I just grit my teeth, try to fight the burning in my brain, and just ride it out .. cos i do love life, i just don't love the crushing waves of depression that strike without warning, who does?
It's a battle all the way but there's no alternative, gotta give it your absolute best or else your entire life is a waste .. and f**k that, I'm not letting all the world's assholes take anything more outta me, let alone my own mind!

I'm sure I would feel a bit better about myself after a long clean&sobriety streak, but that hasn't happened for a while and doesn't appear to be scheduled on my calendar any time soon :p
 
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^^^ yea I see what your saying bro, like to and extent i love what life has to offers and have alot going for me' but like u said when the depression comes crashing over you it just becomes over whelming and I'm the sort if person that when I'm in that frame of mind and get a suicidal thought I won't think twice I'll act on it. Which is why I new to learn to relax ad chill out listen to some music but it's not as easy as that as Most who have been through this would agree, and this Valium addiction has got a big toll on me' it's the only thing that makes me' feel me' feel normal and happy and they keep trying to take me of it and gienee pig me' on anti phycotics in a very fragile state of mind which just takes things out of preportion sometimes when they make me' feel like shit. Now it's the weekend and all my mates will be doing the usual. Drinking, smoking, rolling and I have to sit here a golden but depressed boy watching them have fun even tho it's in my interest to cure my mental health problems at the age of 19 it's alot to handle. Fuck knows I'm just dribbling shit ATM I'm at the end of my tapering system and just want to ring my mate but a bottle of Val and get fucked up. But that's the worse thing I could do I guess... Get :(
 
Hahaha. That one put a smile on my dile. Feels good to laugh in moments like these only if I could hang out with someone like Dave chapelle or something while I'm detoxin lol. Anyways seen a gp and things are slowly looking up again :) let's hope it sticks this time round ay.
 
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