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"Baby, of course we split everything 50/50!"

O

ouch!

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 2, 2012
Messages
10
Location
DC
My boyfriend/fiance and I met at an in-patient rehab and share a drug of choice (dope), method of administration (IV), and have a similar history of use. I'm living with his family, we are literally together 24/7, and he says he wants to get married and have a kid together. We share everything, right down to money, cigarettes, even socks sometimes ... and of course dope. We've had many discussions about splitting everything 50/50, being honest, and all that. Once, I gave him shit over a cotton shot because in my mind, if he's sneaking around over a cotton, what else is he sneaking around about? At the time, he swore up and down he wasn't and would never try to sneak more or anything like that. However, he has a bad habit of frequently asking me if I tapped our bags, since I'm the one that obtains the stuff. I never have, so it really irks me every time he asks.

This is coming to a head because no matter how much we do, he gets off while I only get well. I'm stuck watching him nod for hours and while I'm not sick, I'm also not high. Since we have a similar history, I'd assume our tolerances are similar as well, making me a little suspicious from the start. It also seems like he's been hiding works, snatching cottons and baggies that could be rinsed, and stuff like that.

Let me say now that he's told me many times I'm free to go through his pockets and whatnot, and he regularly goes into my purse without asking me. I've never taken him up on the offer, except to get cigarettes or a lighter, but today after he told me we did the last shots, I stuck a finger in the pocket of a pair of jeans of his and found a quarter G. I didn't say anything to him because I thought a) he's hiding shit from me so he can do more than me or b) he's holding onto some so we have get well shots in the morning, which would be nice and thoughtful. Tonight after he went out to work, I decided to take a look in this room no one uses because he's started going in there for no known reason. In this room, I found 5 empty baggies and works. The baggies are clearly the ones we've been getting in the past week. Since he holds the dope and cooks our shots, he could be pocketing extra for himself although its only recently I would have even suspected it. It could be innocent or he could be totally lying to me and pulling a major junkie move. If morning comes and he doesn't bust out that quarter G, should I tell him I know about it and ask what happened to it?

After all that rambling, it would really be helpful to hear some people's thoughts. Obviously, two junkies in love is a sticky situation. Separating the person from the addiction and expecting that you are immune to the other person's junkie behavior seems a little diluted. However, I also worry I'm just being a paranoid fiend and he's not lying to me. Should I confront him? Should I lash out, aggressively or passive-aggressively, and start skimming off the bags for myself when I get the chance? We keep saying we're going to quit and have a life together, but we've each been using nearly 20 years (we're in our late 20's-early 30's) so until it actually happens, its a pipe dream and these issues need to be worked out.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!
 
It's probably not going to work out - it's evident that there is absolutely no trust in your relationship. It really sounds like you both need to go off, get clean, find yourselves and get your lives together before entering into any sort of relationship.

Please ensure you're on the most reliable birth control you can get.
 
I think it's a good idea to ask him about the bag if he doesn't bring it up
Just let him know of your worries/doubts/suspicions and talk about it, don't be passive aggressive.
 
I think he is most likely lying to you. I also think there's probably not much you can do about it. I think sure, you could ask him about him about the quarter g, because otherwise you'll resent him, but I don't think there'll be a happy resolution. I think he'll deny it or get shitty, you'll get shitty, and nothing will be gained.

I do think whilst you are both in addition this situation will not improve and will probably get worse. When you're an addict it's easy to rationalise things you wouldn't otherwise do, like stealing, and actually convince yourself you're not doing anything wrong, or that you'll make it up later, or that you're 'owed' this from another time. If this is the case, being accused of stealing is going to come across as a huge insult, because in your mind you've rationalised it as being not really stealing at all. Or perhaps you're just trying to avoid thinking about the shitty thing you've done - and again, being accused is going to force you to think about something you'd really rather not, and again, defensiveness and shittyness will ensue.

Even if this situation is resolved happily, the stealing will almost inevitably happen again, as logic can fly out the window when an addict is looking at their DOC and thinking 'if I just take a smidgen more I'll get super noddy and she'll be ok, she wont notice'. I think most addicts will be selfish when it comes to their DOC.

This is my personal experience of having been both in a relationship with a heroin addict, and having a best friend the same, both of who stole from me. In both instances, the situation was never resolved, causing resentment and eventually damaging the relationships irreparably.

I think that if you really want to be together, the best chance you have is splitting up and dealing with your addictions alone. Only when you are well and truly done with using smack or opioids do I think this relationship stands any chance of working. IMHO.
 
You write very well and sound bright. Step back a minute and look around you - think about the people you've known in your life and the books you've read about the human experience. Ask yourself this: do I know of any old couples who have been shooting heroin together for decades and are still alive and happy (and not tricking/pimping during the brief periods out of jail)?? No?? You've never met such a couple? Well maybe that should be a clue that they don't exist. They don't exist because most people don't survive for decades using IV drugs, and they don't exist because the nature of serious drug addiction is to make the drug the highest priority in one's life - not other people.

Your boyfriend really sounds like an asshole. For me, as a man and an old school dopefiend, the idea that you are copping for both of you is what's most disturbing to me. Sexist and 20th century of me? I guess - but it creeps me out to think of a dude putting the woman he claims to love through the risk of copping every day while he sits on his ass. Throw in all the suspicion and shadiness and he just sounds like a total lame. Ditch him sooner rather than later is my harsh but solid advice and either clean up yourself or get on maintenance. Good luck!
 
Sounds like your paranoid over a washy or a cotton. Facepalm.

Dont be greedy with your drugs. Think about the pleasure your partner gets from any such things and then be happy they are nodding off and so on. It sounds to me that if your dosing and you can see the dose you just took and not getting high Id say
1. your paranoia about not getting a buzz is in of itself killing your buzz.
2. Your tolerance is higher than your partners. There is no reason for two different people to have the same tolerance to opiates no matter how similar their backgorunds. Even a difference in percentage of body fat body muscle or even a kilos weight difference or slightly different gut flora or genetic shit will affect tolerance to opiates.
 
Confront him NOW.

There's no trust. Being a junkie does this to you. I would personally, if I loved someone, take this as a sign (if I was talking about kids etc) to quit, TOGETHER. If he's not interested he's just stringing you along all co-ey, and that needs to end.

Either way, while you remain actively using addicts (sick in the head, no offence but it's true), it's going to be a lot harder to keep a healthy relationship going anywhere but down the toilet, fast. Love yourself OP! Peace
 
Your biggest mistake was forming a relationship in rehab. I have never seen a rehab relationship that wasn’t toxic. Not saying it can't work out but you probably have a better chance of winning the lottery.
 
Mel22 said:
It's probably not going to work out - it's evident that there is absolutely no trust in your relationship. It really sounds like you both need to go off, get clean, find yourselves and get your lives together before entering into any sort of relationship.

Please ensure you're on the most reliable birth control you can get.
Click to expand...
This
 
Damn, if you guys are worries about who gets to rinse out a cotton, or rinse the resin out of a bag.. then you seriously need to quit. Shit can only go down from here.
 
If youre in youre late 20s early 30s and have been using dope for 20 years DAMN did u start young!! that means u started using dope at like 10 years old!

Coming from a former heroin addict, trust me when i say love cannot and will not overcome addiction. Heroin will and is his/your first priority whether you know it or not. The more time goes on, the more the last sentence will reveal itself. ur boyfriend has clearly been lying to you, going behind your back and not keeping up his end of the deal.. its not bc he doesnt love you, its because hes an addict and addicts have a one track mind. I really hope it works out for you guys but most likely it will not if you two ever really desire a happy life free of drugs. Its easy to continue pulling the other person back into or deeper into addiction when ur using as a pair and after awhile the fun of it will fade (which it seems form ur post that is has needing the wake up shots n all) . Just know that if money is low, and things are tight, your best friend/lover will turn on you quick and take that last bag for himself.. because thats what happens when ur addicted to heroin, it becomes #1 priority in life and everything else doesnt rly matter as much.

U say u want to get married and have kids.. but what kind of life would those poor kids have growing up w parents addicted to smack still living w his family in their thirties? Im honestly not trying to be mean, im just trying to be real and give you a dose of reality bc ive been there and it would have been nice if someone gave me a dose of reality back then to open my eyes to the truth. Dope heads on average dont have that long of a life expectancy :( If you want to get clean and sober (which it sounds like the fun of it is fading and ur ready to restart life) then you need to leave your boyfriend and get clean solo. Maybe after some time a part, clean, youll get back together but itll be really hard if not impossible to get clean together bc ur not only prone to you own impulses and cravings but to his too and going to keep pulling each other deeper and deeper into a hole u may never find a way out of.

This is probably not be the answer youd like to hear but its the truth. Many many other girls and guys have been there too.. co-dependent relationship mixed with addiction is a recipe for disaster. U still have a chance to take back control over ur life, and so does he. Separate while both recovering not just for you but for him as well since u love him and dont want to see him waste his life away
 
ouch! said:
My boyfriend/fiance and I met at an in-patient rehab and share a drug of choice (dope), method of administration (IV), and have a similar history of use. I'm living with his family, we are literally together 24/7, and he says he wants to get married and have a kid together. We share everything, right down to money, cigarettes, even socks sometimes ... and of course dope. We've had many discussions about splitting everything 50/50, being honest, and all that. Once, I gave him shit over a cotton shot because in my mind, if he's sneaking around over a cotton, what else is he sneaking around about? At the time, he swore up and down he wasn't and would never try to sneak more or anything like that. However, he has a bad habit of frequently asking me if I tapped our bags, since I'm the one that obtains the stuff. I never have, so it really irks me every time he asks.

This is coming to a head because no matter how much we do, he gets off while I only get well. I'm stuck watching him nod for hours and while I'm not sick, I'm also not high. Since we have a similar history, I'd assume our tolerances are similar as well, making me a little suspicious from the start. It also seems like he's been hiding works, snatching cottons and baggies that could be rinsed, and stuff like that.

Let me say now that he's told me many times I'm free to go through his pockets and whatnot, and he regularly goes into my purse without asking me. I've never taken him up on the offer, except to get cigarettes or a lighter, but today after he told me we did the last shots, I stuck a finger in the pocket of a pair of jeans of his and found a quarter G. I didn't say anything to him because I thought a) he's hiding shit from me so he can do more than me or b) he's holding onto some so we have get well shots in the morning, which would be nice and thoughtful. Tonight after he went out to work, I decided to take a look in this room no one uses because he's started going in there for no known reason. In this room, I found 5 empty baggies and works. The baggies are clearly the ones we've been getting in the past week. Since he holds the dope and cooks our shots, he could be pocketing extra for himself although its only recently I would have even suspected it. It could be innocent or he could be totally lying to me and pulling a major junkie move. If morning comes and he doesn't bust out that quarter G, should I tell him I know about it and ask what happened to it?

After all that rambling, it would really be helpful to hear some people's thoughts. Obviously, two junkies in love is a sticky situation. Separating the person from the addiction and expecting that you are immune to the other person's junkie behavior seems a little diluted. However, I also worry I'm just being a paranoid fiend and he's not lying to me. Should I confront him? Should I lash out, aggressively or passive-aggressively, and start skimming off the bags for myself when I get the chance? We keep saying we're going to quit and have a life together, but we've each been using nearly 20 years (we're in our late 20's-early 30's) so until it actually happens, its a pipe dream and these issues need to be worked out.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Click to expand...

'' these issues need to be worked out. ''

you've answered your own question, you need and want help.

Go to rehab/NA, only gonna go downhill from where you've described your at.

Hope things get better for you x
 
sockpuppet said:
You write very well and sound bright. Step back a minute and look around you - think about the people you've known in your life and the books you've read about the human experience. Ask yourself this: do I know of any old couples who have been shooting heroin together for decades and are still alive and happy (and not tricking/pimping during the brief periods out of jail)?? No?? You've never met such a couple? Well maybe that should be a clue that they don't exist. They don't exist because most people don't survive for decades using IV drugs, and they don't exist because the nature of serious drug addiction is to make the drug the highest priority in one's life - not other people.

Your boyfriend really sounds like an asshole. For me, as a man and an old school dopefiend, the idea that you are copping for both of you is what's most disturbing to me. Sexist and 20th century of me? I guess - but it creeps me out to think of a dude putting the woman he claims to love through the risk of copping every day while he sits on his ass. Throw in all the suspicion and shadiness and he just sounds like a total lame. Ditch him sooner rather than later is my harsh but solid advice and either clean up yourself or get on maintenance. Good luck!
Click to expand...

Sums it up nicely.

There were multiple disturbing elements of the post and that stuck out for me to.

Another thing, why is he prepping the shots? When I used to have drugs and was sharing, I prepped the shots. If I have marijuana and I'm with other people, I roll the joint, and I spark it up first and can hit it as much as I want. 50/50 is not how relationships really work, you need to have respect for the other persons belongings, resources, money, drugs, whatever. Way I see it, his mommy and daddy are letting you live with them, it's not like he's providing for you a home so he can't even pull that card.

If he's prepping the shots, he's obviously either stealing/pinching some when he's prepping what you cop and/or putting more into HIS syringes than into yours.

Going into your purse without asking in return for free access to his pockets? Fuck no. You obviously have shit worth stealing in your purse and what's he have in his pockets? Cancer sticks? Come on. This guy does not love you, nor are either of you in any condition to conceive or fit to be parents should you be able to get pregnant, which can be a problem for some IV opiate addicts.

Pack your shit and leave, he needs you more than you need him and that's not 50/50
 
I was in the same situation as you are with multiple girlfriends in the past. I'm sorry to say that those relationships did not work out as no matter how "devoted" we were to eachother, the dope came first. Regardless if you acknowledge it or not, the dope comes first. Personally, if I was in your boat today, I would make it so each person is responsible for their own habit, keeps track of their own gear and rigs, and cops their own dope. Otherwise, as it is from grower, to manufacturer, to distribution, too many changes in hands will definitely cause the gear to "shrink in size" if you catch my drift. My ex would cop dope for us (from my dealer mind you) and skim a bit off each bag without telling me (I obviously knew, but it wasn't worth fighting over). But the shadiness and secrecy went both way. I would buy dope from my dealer, ask him if she copped any dope and if she said, save my dope and tell her I was sick so she would pity me and give me a bit of hers, then use my own dope later when she was out of the room or I went to "buy cigs" lol. I did those infamous hours long cig runs when the gas station is 3 blocks away. Relationships are built upon trust and stability, and drug use (and abuse, and addiction) robs people of both of those traits to varying degrees. I'm sorry, but I recommend you step out of this relationship as more chances than not, it's not going to work out.
 
The two of you need to break up and neither one of you should persue relationships with other people. You don't trust each other and both of you keep waiting to be fucked over by the other. Your relationship displays nothing healthy. Trust is foundation to a healthy relationship and you two clearly don't have it. No one should be going through the possessions of the other and snooping around. You both need to take back control of your lives because each of you seems to be worried exclusively about themselves rather than about the partnership.

You both need to deal with your addictions, separately, before you can be in a relationship together.
 
dope head relationships never work out. unfortunately opiates change your brain chemistry ultimately changing yourself in the process. im not judging im just speaking from experience, as im sure you know, your lifestyle simply wont allow the amount of trust you need to maintain a healthy relationship. the drug lifestyle doesnt have room for trust and when you are that deep in it every aspect of your life follows suit. there is a good chance you guys are pretty well matched when sober but there is also a very good chance that its simply the heroin binding you two together.


you may not be ready for it but imo and ime you need to bail and concentrate on yourself. being tied up in such a trustless and roller coaster of a relationship will eventually take its toll.


-Blur
 
MemphisX3 said:
dope head relationships never work out. unfortunately opiates change your brain chemistry ultimately changing yourself in the process. im not judging im just speaking from experience, as im sure you know, your lifestyle simply wont allow the amount of trust you need to maintain a healthy relationship. the drug lifestyle doesnt have room for trust and when you are that deep in it every aspect of your life follows suit. there is a good chance you guys are pretty well matched when sober but there is also a very good chance that its simply the heroin binding you two together.


you may not be ready for it but imo and ime you need to bail and concentrate on yourself. being tied up in such a trustless and roller coaster of a relationship will eventually take its toll.


-Blur
Click to expand...

"Your lifestyle simply wont allow the amount of trust your need to maintain a healthy relationship, the drue lifestyle doesnt have room for trust". So true, So true, Well said!
thbananarock.gif
~ And its not 50/50 dear its 100/100~
 
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