This is Trip # 12 of my continuing adventure of self discovery. It took place at a safe location, alone, with much music, a comfortable couch, and eyeshades and headphones. My set was one of 100% introspection with the purpose of the continued unraveling of my unconscious with the goal of finally breaking down my psychological defenses enough to reach my “core” trauma. The hidden walled off part of my psyche where memories of my vicious childhood abuse is closed and sealed off in
I took the 3 grams of Syrian rue, and then 40 minutes later I ingested the 14 grams of Mimosa Hostilis brewed into a tea from the night before.
As the effects started I grew increasingly more nauseous. More so than I have ever been on any psychedelic to date. I found myself chanting to ward off the nausea with some success.
As the effects grew stronger in –waves- just as I had read they would come in, I found myself at the edge of some sort of box in my mind. A large block, similar to a very large iceberg in a vast ocean. This box I learned had my childhood abuse enclosed into it. Abuse that was so unacceptable and humiliating that I had disassociated from my body and mind during the time I was abused, then when it was over I had walled off the experience in this box so I would never have to deal with it again.
A dissociative disorder from what I’ve read. Where the abuse is so bad that you actually leave your body and mind so you don’t feel the pain and humiliation of the event. It goes without saying that this causes and has caused for me a whole mess of problems as the person grows up. Namely I find myself leaving my body and wondering if anything is real (derealization). Very fucked up shit indeed. I've had enough of it.
Well I was knocking at the door, and I wanted to go in. It told me that I did not want to see what was inside of this box, it was too humiliating, demoralizing, absolutely disgusting and inhuman abuse. I started to go into the membrane of the box and as I did this my head started going backwards and I couldn’t breath. An ego death was coming on. Apparently the only way I could access this box was if I died a psychological death. Or something equally unnerving.
As I started to die, I instantly gagged and then boom, I puked – la purga- hardcore, puking with feeling all the way down to my intestines. After the purge the experience was over, I was completely sober. I could not face my death alone. Complete sobering under a Very strong dose of a psychedelic is proof to the power of the minds defenses to ward off any dose of any psychedelic. These defenses did NOT want me to come in.
I learned that I can not do this alone anymore. I must get the help of another human being. The complete loss of control, the 100% surrender of the ego death can NOT be done alone – at least in my psyche. I have too many worries about if someone will enter my room, or if the stove was left on etc. I must get some help now.
So this is it, my psychotherapy has entered a new realm. I have seen the “Pandora’s box” where my most humiliating childhood abuse from my father lies untouched inside. I know I must re-live those memories and successfully integrate them from an adult level.
I must break through the castle walls of my strong psychological defenses. To FINALLY be free of my childhood programming (brainwashing) and FINALLY see some truth of existence.
To FINALLY see some light in a mind that has only seen darkness
I took the 3 grams of Syrian rue, and then 40 minutes later I ingested the 14 grams of Mimosa Hostilis brewed into a tea from the night before.
As the effects started I grew increasingly more nauseous. More so than I have ever been on any psychedelic to date. I found myself chanting to ward off the nausea with some success.
As the effects grew stronger in –waves- just as I had read they would come in, I found myself at the edge of some sort of box in my mind. A large block, similar to a very large iceberg in a vast ocean. This box I learned had my childhood abuse enclosed into it. Abuse that was so unacceptable and humiliating that I had disassociated from my body and mind during the time I was abused, then when it was over I had walled off the experience in this box so I would never have to deal with it again.
A dissociative disorder from what I’ve read. Where the abuse is so bad that you actually leave your body and mind so you don’t feel the pain and humiliation of the event. It goes without saying that this causes and has caused for me a whole mess of problems as the person grows up. Namely I find myself leaving my body and wondering if anything is real (derealization). Very fucked up shit indeed. I've had enough of it.
Well I was knocking at the door, and I wanted to go in. It told me that I did not want to see what was inside of this box, it was too humiliating, demoralizing, absolutely disgusting and inhuman abuse. I started to go into the membrane of the box and as I did this my head started going backwards and I couldn’t breath. An ego death was coming on. Apparently the only way I could access this box was if I died a psychological death. Or something equally unnerving.
As I started to die, I instantly gagged and then boom, I puked – la purga- hardcore, puking with feeling all the way down to my intestines. After the purge the experience was over, I was completely sober. I could not face my death alone. Complete sobering under a Very strong dose of a psychedelic is proof to the power of the minds defenses to ward off any dose of any psychedelic. These defenses did NOT want me to come in.
I learned that I can not do this alone anymore. I must get the help of another human being. The complete loss of control, the 100% surrender of the ego death can NOT be done alone – at least in my psyche. I have too many worries about if someone will enter my room, or if the stove was left on etc. I must get some help now.
So this is it, my psychotherapy has entered a new realm. I have seen the “Pandora’s box” where my most humiliating childhood abuse from my father lies untouched inside. I know I must re-live those memories and successfully integrate them from an adult level.
I must break through the castle walls of my strong psychological defenses. To FINALLY be free of my childhood programming (brainwashing) and FINALLY see some truth of existence.
To FINALLY see some light in a mind that has only seen darkness
