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Aveo has a story to share...

aveoturbo

aveoturbo

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 17, 2011
Messages
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You dont have to be 100% perfect, you just have to
...and it starts on June 2nd, 1986. I was born into a war that I did not know was occurring. Aimlessly i walked thru a hail of bullets, bombs, and tripped over many empty cantenes. As I grew, I learned to just naturally dodge bullets and isolate myself from the falling shrapnel. If i knew that all the love i was getting was really just mortar fire, i would have dodged that too.

Beaten into an unrecognizeable pulp, i began to heal myself with medicines from the field medic. First i was numb to everything and tried to walk away. Unfortunately, the numbness only made me hurt myself more.

Then i thought that i should dissassociate myself and i could walk away that way. That only left me with 2 halves of me. Not knowing which half i should pick up off the ground, i began to get each half to empathize with each other.

This left me sad and rundown, so, i got something to jolt myself awake, but it went too fast and did not last long enough. I thought i just needed more energy, so i gathered as many stimulants as i could and took them. But now i was crazy and didnt understand my plight at all.

Finally, i decided that this 25 year war was really killing me, so i stopped running around crazy. When i did that, everything that was behind me caught up and pummeled me back into the ground. Now i dont know what to do.

Sorry, anticlimaxing story.

But thats my story so far. The next chapter is soon to come.
 
Hi aveo :) welcome to our side. I'm glad you decided to post here to get some feedback on your confusion. This is a great crowd to take advantage of <3. As far as the field medic is concerned I cried to his aid many times and thought I was fixing it all too. I can relate to how it all comes crashing back down once you stop.

You can go into more detail if you'd feel comfortable. We like to debug a lot of confusion and internal struggles here. Talking it out helps seeing as we all have very similar stories and similar patterns in substances and abuse. Maybe someone is farther through the fog than you and can give you some hope and kind words to aid you through once they know a little more about the specifics. <3<3<3
 
You gotta take it for what its worth. Don't regret what got you here. Build from those feelings, they're what shape you in the present day. If you don't like how things were going so far you have all the time in the world to start making changes. I just recently turned 25 and I can relate the roller coaster of emotions that the supposed "quarter life crisis" can bring you through. It's an important time to realize things, especially if you're a late bloomer like I was. You're far from the end(not to say that's where you're already looking towards or not)
As a new and promising Bluelighter I certainly look forward to your next chapter! It's good you're taking a step back and viewing your life from outside of the box. Just make sure you don't build your house outside of the box. As distant as you can feel from what goes on inside the box, there are still tons of tools in that box just waiting for you to pick them up and build a stronger box.

I know you always PM me about technical like stuff here on BL, but most times I'm down for a chat too if you ever need someone to vent to/run ideas by/ relate to you.
 
I was hurt in every way possible by the persons who gave me life. I did a lot of drugs willingly and unwillingly since 8 or so, and am in a twirlwind of fuckery. Thats about all i want to say right now.

It cuts a lot deeper than i allow to be exposed for now.

Thank you Laika, you are always ever helpful.
SH <3
 
To be hurt by the very people who gave you life aveoturbo, must make you doubt the entire human race.:( And for that, im sorry...
Your pain must be to the core... Im sorry i have no advice for you.... but i have an ear if you need...as almost all of us dark siders do...Maybe when you feel like sharing more with us i will know if i have even a small chance of maybe typing something that may help you...Until then...i can only wait...<3
Even strangers care....;)
 
Adults who have been abused as children have a huge hole to climb up out of that the rest of us can barely fathom, if we can at all. And the climbing out is not a one-time thing. It has to happen over and over again. All human relationships are based on trust. If the two people that brought you into the world could not only not be trusted to give you the unconditional love you needed to thrive, but actually hurt you instead, how in the world were you supposed to develop that most vulnerable and tenuous emotional base? And yet, aveo, you did. I know you only from BL and yet I know you to be a person of incredible empathy. You have a great, irreverent sense of humor and strong opinions but you have a soft side that undergirds everything you do. This revelation, that you had to fight this battle alone as a child, completely shocks me. How is it that you are who you are?

I know that you say you feel separated from yourself inside and that is a terrible and frightening feeling; but you are a survivor. I don't think it is any accident that you wrote about yourself as a warrior in a battle. You developed fighting skills and you can use those same skills to redefine your life from the inside out. One of my favorite teachers (and a good friend) was sexually abused for years. She wrote one of the most well known books on the subject here in the U.S. (The Courage to Heal by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass). She is a meditation leader (and 30 year practitioner), a wonderful mother, and one of the most centered and peaceful people I have ever known. She often talks about how being abused creates a separation of self.

I do not doubt that you can and will heal. You have, as Laika said, every tool you need in the box. Getting rid of the substances that look like they will make it easier and end up making it harder will more than likely be the first step. you know that you can come here for whatever you decide to do, however you decide to do it. You are very courageous and strong. I know that is the antithesis of what you are probably feeling right now but it is true. All my love to you, aveo.<3
 
aveoturbo said:
I was hurt in every way possible by the persons who gave me life. I did a lot of drugs willingly and unwillingly since 8 or so, and am in a twirlwind of fuckery. Thats about all i want to say right now.

It cuts a lot deeper than i allow to be exposed for now.

Thank you Laika, you are always ever helpful.
SH <3
Click to expand...

You have plenty of time & brain power to either present a way to see eye to eye, reconcile, or at the very least; forgive. And forgiving may be the hardest part but try to feel a little empathy in anyway that you can. Don't look to blame, look solely to forgive. And although it may be hard, the outcome will be the most rewarding thing you can achieve and it will help strengthen your belief in your self.

And read herbavore's post! Multiple times, drill it into you. There is some beautiful experience & advice being transmitted through her words.
 
Chapter 2- Admission

With my face in the dirt and my whole world on top of me, all I can do is admit to everybody what has happened to me. Every scar, bruise, lesion, has its own story to tell. The last person who wants to hear the story is myself.

My identity was stolen, replaced, stolen, and replaced, over and over again. It didn’t matter, I was never happy with them anyway. I was just a face and a name. Each one of them more twisted with pain than before. The worst thing was, that as each identity hurt more for me, I did not know the hurt I was causing to others.

Its not like I was empty of love in my life. Even war has its serenity. It was just hard to find source amongst all the corpses. Even when I did find it, I was too numb and hurt to recognize it. I thought the numbness was love. I thought I loved myself. I thought I knew how to love!!!! All I feel is anger.

The anger is really a disguise for fear though. Fear of what is real and what is fake. How can I know? I cant trust anyone, not even myself.
 
aveo, I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest something that helped me immensely when I could no longer even trust myself. Therapy didn't even scratch the surface and I literally felt that death was a better alternative to the constant fear I lived in. I went to a friend that does "body work". He was someone I knew through art so I did not think of him a s a therapist of any kind, just knew him to be a human being capable of complex thinking and deep empathy. In other words, I trusted him to be something more than a new age quack. He talked to me about how we have learned to separate the mind, body and spirit in our culture and how often addressing simply the mind or simply the body is inadequate. Pain lives in the body as well as in the mind. He had me do a very powerful visualization that normally I might have scoffed at but I was so desperate that fortunately I opened up to. When I left his office that day, I felt like something very substantial had shifted. My reality was the same. My fears that my son would die were still real. Yet, I had a place of serenity and strength inside that I could tap into that I did not have before. So, my suggestion is to try everything that can support you in transformation. Talk therapy. EMDR, CBT, Body work, meditation. Don't walk by any door. Open them all.

And the last thing I wanted to say is that you are an amazing writer and so you have a gift, or a tool, that not everyone has. Use that tool to finding your way back to trust in yourself. That means write what you are most afraid to write. You don't have to share it with anyone if you don't want to. Just put it into words. Let those words free you from everything that has had to be stuffed away inside. What you are going through right now is the self rebelling, saying I can no longer hold all this pain you are demanding I store away where no one can see it. I say this a lot on Bluelight, but it bears repeating here: pretend like you are advising a friend. Use all the empathy and honesty and gentleness and care you would use talking to a friend when you talk to yourself.

Fear is such a powerful emotion. You are definitely right when you say that anger is simply masking the true foe. Facing fear is a courageous act and you are already engaged in that. Take a minute to just sit with it, to see what your fear really looks like, smells like, feels like. It is amazing to me that when I do that, that simple act of letting myself feel a full scary feeling, that the feeling loses much of its punch.<3
 
I dont know what scares me atm. Just uncertainty. How do you write what you cant ponder?

I have never had such a day where I wake up and am out of energy before I can get in the shower. Putting socks on takes such a concerted effort. Each sentence getting harder to type.

Damn.
 
Hang in there, aveo.There is another side to this and that is being past the symptoms once and for all. As horrible as it is, every hour you go through is leading you to being done with this for good. <3
 
Hopefully. I fear 6-24 months after from PAWS. But, I got some damn good reasons not to go back so I hope those are strong enough for my will power. Which is weak atm. I have the power of the internet and know I can go back to bad habits in less than 48 hours.

Went into to town and got some smokes today. Fresh ones. As soon as I got outside I hit them up and I stopped shaking immensely and anxiety dropped dramatically. Feel so much better versus the nasty anxiety I had earlier, I almost begged for my klonopin, glad I did not.

Thank you for your unwavering support Herbavore! I dont know how you get the strength to help so many here, but I am awestruck and grateful!

<3
 
I am at a similar place aveo, my drug of choice is oxycontin and ive stayed away for four months now....BUT im getting weaker and weaker...not stronger and stronger ATM...i been thinking and dreaming about them...and also like you i have access anytime time i want...i can get a box in 1 hour....but like you aveo, im still trying...every hour that we dont get our DOC is an hour stronger....If you feel like PM me, go for it...maybe we could support each other a little if you like...
 
Good luck for this aveo...I bet you will learn heaps about yourself that will help you in the future..I hope the time goes fast and you get some benefit from it. All the best, :\
 
Chapter 3: The hardest realization...

...That I have come to during this last week without you is not just all the pain I have caused you, but the more important to me, is all the memories that were created and now feel tainted. Not our whole relationship, just mostly these last few months.

I knew I tainted an important moment in your life, the time around your graduation. My trips to the hospital due to my own stupidity. The stress and worry I placed relentlessly on you and the rest of your family (Joyce included). It was selfish and undue. Right when the spotlight was on you and you were the shining star, I had to come in and eclipse it. The sting of this eats at me.

The pain and hurt I have inflicted unrighteously cant go without mention. Who was I? Certainly not the Michael you and your family knew. I dont even know who that was. I know that I have to answer to all of this. But how? Definitely getting better for myself and us will be a start, but how do I patch this whole I created?

I wish I had the answers. I wish I had a magic wand to wave all this away. I love you so much and all you did was pour your love and time into me, but the love I gave back was not true love. It was devoid of real meaning. Its not that I didnt love you during my war, its that the love I gave you was not as full as it should have been. I pushed you away when you tried to lend a hand, I drained you of your energy without letting 'us' flourish. We still had our moments, and not all was lost.

Where do I reach to now? I know you still love me, but how much more taxed can our relationship become? You are the strongest woman I know and I cant wait to see you on the other side! You were always there for me, and even tho I have not always returned the favor, I promise you that I will not take advantage of our relationship again. You deserve more and I will give it to you! I promise!

I PROMISE!!!!!!!!
 
I was hurt in every way possible by the persons who gave me life. I did a lot of drugs willingly and unwillingly since 8 or so, and am in a twirlwind of fuckery. Thats about all i want to say right now.
Click to expand...

I know how you feel trust me, im in a similar situation myself, i held off till 19 till i did drugs. What is your social life like?
 
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