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autumn days

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djesp

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 5, 2007
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reno, nevada, usa
Autumn days

Autumn days by edward putnam

in the autumn days
theres a brutal display
of affection

as my blood is filled with glass and sand
the dust is calming
my shaking hands

perfect negligence
ripped the life from my soul
and now im hallow;
life full of holes

but now i dream
shrouded by mystery not as it seems
this carnivorous psyche ashing away at my sanity
hereditary chemicals answer people of poverty

its been too long since i found god
seasons dressed in veils of uncertainty
soon we'll ride the sea to unspoken destinations
let the waves and tides drift endlessly free
 
^I agree that that part is really great.

I think this poem really moves well. One line that was cool was "its been too long since i found god". There are a lot of startling images and logic in this poem that give it a very powerful tone. Also, I think the ending really works very well. You hit it perfectly.

HOWEVER, stanza four is just not working for me. I like the image of "hereditary chemicals" but besides that the stanza is a lapse into abstraction and it slows the pace of the poem too much. What gives this poem its power is the relentless pace of the imagery and language. When you pull back in stanza four, we are removed briefly from the poem.

Otherwise, this one is definitely a keeper. Don't fuck with it too much. Just some minor changes methinks.
 
Hmmm, another thought:

Since "autumn days" is in the title, it seems unnecessary to have it in the first line. Maybe the title could be "in the autumn days". And maybe you could come back to that phrase at the end somehow. Or maybe not. Just brainstorming.
 
Alright then. I guess I'll stick to REAL writing forums. I'm sorry about your rules.
 
Last edited:
lol, if you want a critique, just write, "please critique" or something :D
 
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