Auto pilot kicks in

[BadSanta]

Every morning feels like as soon as I wake up auto pilot kicks in. I feel like in order to last another ten minutes I have to go take my medicine otherwise I'm hitting the floor. I set goals for my self but fail to achieve everytime . Going to rehab soon but partly because my father is pushing it hard . Hearing him say " I can't watch you slowly kill yourself any longer" really had an effect on me but it lasted maybe a week. Everything has pushed me into being a closet user. And if I'm medicated no one can tell because I don't show usual signs that others may. I just wish it was easier to get into a Good program. Sorry this kinda turned into a rant type post. I just wanna stay clean after telling myself and others that I will...

 

[cj]

Hey Badsanta! welcome to the forum. Its good that you realize there is a problem as that is the first step to solving the problem. My advice is too realize that any program can be a good program if you are willing to commit to changing yourself. On the other hand any program can be a bad program if your not willing to change. I suggest you really search your heart and see what decision will make you happy. At the end of the day being happy is all that matters. There are many nearly free state run programs out there if you look. a good first step might be to call your local health department and see what the state can offer. Or if you are insured call your insurance company.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

What medications are you taking, how frequently?

Best of luck with your plans for rehab and recovery

 

[manboychef]

I would like to expand on what crimsonjunk posted. I have gone to a few rehabs. This last one was a little longer than the others at two months. I have been to countless detoxes and psychwards all in an attempt to get sober. Even though the rehab I just went to did not have the amenities that the rehab in pittsburgh, or new york had, I was able to stay sober after it. This all comes down to desire. I really want to stay clean, and I have no reservations (a reservation is a time that you reserve to get high ie: If my girlfriend leaves me, I am going to go off the wagon). I did it for myself this time. Not for my son, not for my Mom, not for my stepdad or my Dad. It was for me. Recovery is selfish quite a bit of the time.

A lot of people believe that you send an addict to rehab, they go for thirty days and are cured. This is blatantly false. Rehab isn't some magic cure all. It is a place to separate you from your drug of choice and the people places and things that keep you high, that will allow you the time to learn how better to protect yourself from active use. There are going to be people in rehab that aren't serious about sobriety, and there are women that crave romance in rehab. Don't fall victim to these people. You are way more important.

I always paid attention to what they were teaching me in rehab, but this time I was willing to try to apply it in my life. It is one thing to have a practical knowledge of how addiction/dependence works...but its better to have a working knowledge and recognize when things like relapse mindstate, isolating, and negative self talk start happening, and what to do when they do happen.

If you really want to quit it can't be about your father. He isn't the one that has to do the work, you do. It is not a religion thing, it is not a moral thing. It is a life or death thing. Addiction is a chronic and progressive disease that if gone unchecked will either land you in jail, in the nuthouse, or in an early grave. I have buried quite a few friends because of this disease, and I don't want to end up dead myself. I am willing to do anything that it takes to stay clean....ask yourself "am I?"

I am in your corner, keep us posted./