Mental Health Autism and co-occuring social anxiety, losing friends because of autism

[Eligiu]

I got diagnosed as being autistic mid this year. I'd known for ages and even suspected it as a teenager but because I had a cousin with more 'classic signs' I told myself I was trying to be special or something. I didn't realise I was masking my whole life until I let the mask fall.

I suddenly feel like now people don't like me anymore. I'm struggling to communicate with my neurotypical friends so much more than I ever used to, and it's becoming ridiculous. I lost 3 friends in a week over things that others have told me were definitely their fault (like one of them pressuring me to sell him my prescription stimulants over and over again until I told him I didn't like it and he exploded at me and said all kinds of horrible things).

I can't talk in groups of people anymore. I talk 1-1 and that's it. If it's a new person I can barely get words out. In groups I prefer to sit with noise cancelling headphones on just listening. I prefer engaging in parallel play with friends (they come over and work on a puzzle) vs us going out for coffee. But that doesn't seem to suit them anymore - to be blunt, it sort of seems like my successful lawyer friends (I finished my law degree then burnt out to the point of a suicide attempt) are too busy to hang out with their retarded friend now. I do try, but I can't cope with the social situations they want. I flake all the time.

One of the things that's really bugging me atm is reciprocal conversation. I try my best (and have fortnightly speech therapy and will be getting occupational therapy as well for co-morbid bipolar and cPTSD and ADHD, especially mood regulation etc) and in speech therapy we focus a lot on me picking up inferences, cues, taking turn in conversation, talking about appropriate topics, learning to better identify and describe my emotions so I'm not misunderstood... But my neurotypical friends don't put any effort into listening to me when I tell them how they could help by changing one or two things about how they talk to me, like not dropping subtle cues - just telling me something outright, or telling me exactly what I've done wrong so that I can rectify it immediately instead of making the same mistake a bunch of times before they eventually explode at me.

Don't get me wrong some of my NT friends are great communicators and I've made a promise after the recent 'friend' fiasco (in my post history) that I'm going to be picking people better, mainly other autistics or NT people with strong communication skills, but sometimes it's like... I spend all this time and money trying to teach myself how to talk better with you but you won't even read an article about how to accommodate your autistic friend? Idk just seems unbalanced.

Anymore autistics in here?

 

[Snafu in the Void]

But my neurotypical friends don't put any effort into listening to me

that means they aren't truly your friends (or so they say..)

may I ask how old you are? I have similar issues and I'm on the spectrum somewhere. I still struggle, normal conversation can be incredibly exhausting for me. It gets easier with age and practice, trust me, but it does take work, practice and effort.

Everyone is born with their own brain, emotional, social, personality strengths and imbalances. As we get older, our brains tend towards homeostasis, so things that are difficult for us in the first 20-30 years of life often tend to get easier and stronger as we get older and practice our shortcomings more.

I spend all this time and money trying to teach myself how to talk better with you but you won't even read an article about how to accommodate your autistic friend?

but have you communicated this to them? do they know you are actively trying to work on your conversational social skills? People are much more willing to help and accommodate other people when they realize that person is actively trying to help themself.

they might not know what's going on, and, if you're anything like me, some of this may possibly be overthought

don't be discouraged, it gets easier

 

[Eligiu]

I am 27. One of my ex friends asked me to 'stop being so autistic because this retarded version of you is annoying' when I stopped masking and started displaying all of my autistic behaviour and the other one told me he thought I was 'overdiagnosed' as in I wasn't level 3 for social skills. I sent him a long text explaining why that was hurtful because he doesn't know how much I suffer after every social interaction I have but the psychologist who diagnosed me did, because I told her. He seemed to think he was some kind of expert, I don't know.

With some of my other friends they know I do speech therapy (or I assume they do, maybe it's worth having another conversation with them). I don't like arguments, I'm super conflict averse which is why my recent friendships ended as I finally put my food down about mistreatment and wanted them to take responsibility for their actions for once instead of me just getting steamrolled into compliance. I'm looking for better friends, I just don't want to lose any more. I just wish they could see how much I try. I spend my money on speech therapy equipment that my therapist doesn't have that I think will help me because he mainly works with kids. Im the one finding the stuff to use. I spend an hour there every fortnight.

How old are you?

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I am 27. One of my ex friends asked me to 'stop being so autistic because this retarded version of you is annoying' when I stopped masking and started displaying all of my autistic behaviour and the other one told me he thought I was 'overdiagnosed' as in I wasn't level 3 for social skills. I sent him a long text explaining why that was hurtful because he doesn't know how much I suffer after every social interaction I have but the psychologist who diagnosed me did, because I told her. He seemed to think he was some kind of expert, I don't know.

With some of my other friends they know I do speech therapy (or I assume they do, maybe it's worth having another conversation with them). I don't like arguments, I'm super conflict averse which is why my recent friendships ended as I finally put my food down about mistreatment and wanted them to take responsibility for their actions for once instead of me just getting steamrolled into compliance. I'm looking for better friends, I just don't want to lose any more. I just wish they could see how much I try. I spend my money on speech therapy equipment that my therapist doesn't have that I think will help me because he mainly works with kids. Im the one finding the stuff to use. I spend an hour there every fortnight.

How old are you?

are these friends from highschool or college or something? it sounds like you have some really shitty friends :/

to me it sounds like your friends might not understand how you feel, what do you connect with them on? do you have any hobbies? finding a hobby and some sort of community of likeminded people to join would probably be really good. I find it infinitely easier to express myself when the subject is something I'm interested in.

you're also at the age where your friends and connections tend to dramatically change

I was about your age when I basically stopped talking to any of my friends from highschool or my home town, I made all new friends through work. It's really normal. There's only one person, my best friend from highschool, that I still talk to. I wouldn't be so concerned about losing friends. People change and fall out of touch. But I know the anxiety you are experiencing. The definition of what a "Friend" is also changes over the years. If your friends do not support you, ask about how you're doing-- they aren't true friends. That's kinda the cold truth.

I'm 33

 

[Eligiu]

They were from University. If you want the full story I put a post in one of the other subforums which explains the friendships and the falling out in greater detail than im willing to go into again. Sometimes I felt like they just kept me around to feel better about themselves in some ways to be honest, that's a bit what one of their last couple of messages to me came off like.

I don't really see how you can say that sort of thing to someone and somehow think you're not coming off as a huge dick. But I was always expected to tolerate all kinds of shit from them that was pretty intolerable. I'm definitely talking to my psychologist about it when I see him on Tuesday.

I'm hoping to join a Lego or model making group at some point, or maybe an art group instead where I can meet some people with mutual hobbies. Just haven't had the chance yet and with covid kicking off here it's getting less likely for now. I want to join a social skills group through the NDIS and use my funding for that, planning on calling the organiser this week after the public holiday.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

Sometimes I felt like they just kept me around to feel better about themselves in some ways to be honest, that's a bit what one of their last couple of messages to me came off like.

A lot of extroverted people are like that. They have 100 "friends", because they like the attention.

I don't really see how you can say that sort of thing to someone and somehow think you're not coming off as a huge dick.

some people really are huge dicks :/

I'm hoping to join a Lego or model making group at some point, or maybe an art group instead where I can meet some people with mutual hobbies. Just haven't had the chance yet and with covid kicking off here it's getting less likely for now.

Nice, I encourage you to. All of my friends, and some of the best friends I've ever had, came from work or hobbies. There are a lot of very supportive communities out there.

just don't give up hope, I've been in a lot of desperate dark times in my life, but it really does always get better

you need to surround yourself with people who support you, inspire you and listen to you, it's not only a key to success but also a happy fulfilling life

 

[Eligiu]

I guess some people are just huge dicks is what I've spent the last 3 weeks learning. I just can't believe I was so wrong about one of these people. I basically idolised him, although in the past year of our friendship I was tiring of the poor communication from his side. I think maybe we just also outgrew eachother. The shitty thing is I made a trauma disclosure to all three of these people on the basis that they all said they'd stick around no matter what happened with my mental health, and that really turned out not to be the case.

I think hobbies are a good idea. I do play social badminton but I doubt I'll connect with anyone there as I don't really love playing badminton it's just for exercise. I'm booked in for an inclusive cooking class soon though and I might meet people through there.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I guess some people are just huge dicks is what I've spent the last 3 weeks learning. I just can't believe I was so wrong about one of these people. I basically idolised him, although in the past year of our friendship I was tiring of the poor communication from his side. I think maybe we just also outgrew eachother.

I've had a couple of friends through the years who I truly looked up to. One day I realized that he didn't see me the same way and we split apart. It hurt a lot. I thought I was the problem in the relationship, but that's the wrong way to look at it. We were simply 2 different people and had less in common after so many years. It's part of life.

The shitty thing is I made a trauma disclosure to all three of these people on the basis that they all said they'd stick around no matter what happened with my mental health, and that really turned out not to be the case.

I'm really sorry man, that's awful. However, in doing so, they showed their real face and how much of a friend they really are.

The only true friends I've ever had we would confide in each other our troubles and struggles. Reciprocated support. That's real friendship.

A lot of people have lots of "facebook friends" in real life, it's not a real connection, it's just expanding their social circle because it makes them feel better about themselves.

I think hobbies are a good idea.

I love chess, running/hiking, animals, studying eastern religion/meditation, hippie stuff

but I have met some amazing people doing those things, the communities are all so welcoming

I do not associate myself with superficial people, and my life is a lot more balanced now

 

[December Flower]

See, the issue is that you removed the mask.
NTs don't remove the mask, everybody wears a mask in public.

Telling "be yourself" to an Autist is utter shit advice, to be honest.
If I were to act like me in the outside world, or at work, I would have no chance of a social life, that is the sad fucking truth. I made a song about algae. That's how lame I am.

You will always be a weirdo to them, if you don't fake a smile when they say something 'funny' or nice. You need to wear the mask to function in society.

They will not be able to understand.
However, I find it a bit weird of you to use the diagnosis as an excuse to change your behaviour. Why? What's changed? The diagnosis?

Honestly, if I had a friend that stopped giving a fuck if they hurt me or stopped trying to adjust to social norms just because they got a diagnosis, I might act similarly as your friends did. Sorry, to say that, I'm just being honest.

I know it is hard work to pick up on all these social norms, and all the "self-explanatory" bullshit human interaction comes with, but it's worth the work, so please put it in.

 

[Eligiu]

See, the issue is that you removed the mask.
NTs don't remove the mask, everybody wears a mask in public.

Telling "be yourself" to an Autist is utter shit advice, to be honest.
If I were to act like me in the outside world, or at work, I would have no chance of a social life, that is the sad fucking truth. I made a song about algae. That's how lame I am.

You will always be a weirdo to them, if you don't fake a smile when they say something 'funny' or nice. You need to wear the mask to function in society.

They will not be able to understand.
However, I find it a bit weird of you to use the diagnosis as an excuse to change your behaviour. Why? What's changed? The diagnosis?

Honestly, if I had a friend that stopped giving a fuck if they hurt me or stopped trying to adjust to social norms just because they got a diagnosis, I might act similarly as your friends did. Sorry, to say that, I'm just being honest.

I know it is hard work to pick up on all these social norms, and all the "self-explanatory" bullshit human interaction comes with, but it's worth the work, so please put it in.

What changed was my ability to mask. I lost it when I got burnout which is why I got diagnosed with the level I did and I still haven't regained the ability to do it, it happens. The diagnosis didn't change anything, by the time I got diagnosed I'd stopped masking, I was just so socially isolated that nobody noticed seeing as I didn't see anyone in around 6 months. I didn't start hurting them, they were the ones hurting me. The one thing I stopped doing was falling over myself to apologise for things that weren't actually my fault and ask people to apologise for being dicks and funnily enough after they got used to me being a walkover for 5 years, and not question their shit behaviour and just be silent and confused, they stopped liking me. I'd already stopped socialising and talking in groups long before diagnosis. The diagnosis just stuck a label on my weirdness, but it basically went down the shitter as soon as I graduated my law degree and lost all sense of routine and couldn't cope with significant life changes.

Masking causes anxiety, depression, suicidal behaviour, exhaustion, and leads to chronic autistic burnout. I masked for 26 years until I found a job where I was actually valued for being autistic and I've never felt better, and having to turn that off and on is what eventually broke me. My brain finally understood I could be myself and have people like me. It's not my fault that my friends couldn't reconceptualise me from how they met me - I reconceptualised them (going from uni to working full time and rarely seeing them).

I can tell you're trying to help, but as you can see from the responses I've posted I clearly am putting the effort in. I pay $290 a fortnight for speech therapy and I'm starting weekly occupational therapy in a couple of months. I'm not going to 'make myself less autistic' again to make other people happy. I've got good friends who don't give a shit how weird I am because they're kind of weird too. What I'm sick of is me putting in 100% of the effort and none from the side of neurotypical people.

Everyone could tell I was autistic when I was masking, which means when I'm not masking I'm not just a bit aspergers, I'm super noticeably autistic. Being myself makes me feel less like killing myself as I told my 'friend' who asked me to 'be less autistic because this new retarded version of you is annoying' when he didn't even live in the same state as me so it didn't even impact him at all.

People wonder why autistic people mask? Because when we don't, people don't like it. But I'd rather have good friends who don't care (autistic or otherwise) than hide myself to make other people happy.

I don't know if you're also autistic but if you want to mask around people go ahead, I just don't think it's smart to suggest other autistic people do it when it has such high links to poor mental health outcomes and the thing that has links to good mental health outcomes are accomodating friends and supports.

 

[December Flower]

@Eligiu Yeah I think we all want to be able to be ourselves all the time, but there's not going to be many people you can be yourself to. At least in a group setting we have no fucking chance if we behave like ourselves, unless it's a group full of hippies or ppl in the spectrum

I have a few select friends where I behave like myself, this is like a way to "vent" for me, and then I can wear a mask again all week at work. I think I'm far from burning out. Also this place has sort of become a place where I can just nerd out happily, and not too many seem to be disturbed by it.

Having a workplace where I could be myself would be amazing,
but I'm not complaining. I can play music at work, how fucking awesome is that.

I misunderstood you a bit, I thought the diagnosis is what changed everything, that's what my whole post essentially revolved around. That's where I got the idea that you no longer put in the work to adjust yourself since the diagnosis. I apologize

 

[Eligiu]

I suppose to some of my friends it may have looked like I 'got diagnosed and started acting autistic' but what actually happened is they basically dropped off the face of the earth for 6 months and barely interacted with me to the point of not knowing I was under suicide watch by community mental health care, but that's more of a reflection of the effort they put in to staying connected with me. They just happened to start talking to me more again after I got diagnosed due to work calming down or their partners going overseas and thought this was a 'new' version of me that popped up since disgnosis.

Like nah, I've been like this for a year since burnout. You just weren't paying any attention.

 

[G_Chem]

On one side it seems your “friends” were indeed dicks, I can’t imagine a bunch of lawyers being good faithful friends to each other.. But then I also see all these new expectations you’ve thrown at them with this idea that they should all stick around.

When we change drastically we can’t expect others to all be there for us and carry us along. Everyone’s got their own shit going on. One line you said, you told 3 friends past trauma with the expectation they’d never leave. I’m sorry but that’s too much and comes off as needy. Your friends aren’t your therapists nor do they owe you sticking around simply because you divulged some past issues on them.

Idk I think December Flower was on to something. I don’t think you should mask again but sometimes when people receive a diagnosis they become their diagnosis, that’s what I hear happening here.

You definitely need new friends no doubt, but you need to lower your expectations of what these friends can be to you. Especially right now in the pandemic we all got things going on and have very little ability to help others.

-GC

 

[Eligiu]

On one side it seems your “friends” were indeed dicks, I can’t imagine a bunch of lawyers being good faithful friends to each other.. But then I also see all these new expectations you’ve thrown at them with this idea that they should all stick around.

When we change drastically we can’t expect others to all be there for us and carry us along. Everyone’s got their own shit going on. One line you said, you told 3 friends past trauma with the expectation they’d never leave. I’m sorry but that’s too much and comes off as needy. Your friends aren’t your therapists nor do they owe you sticking around simply because you divulged some past issues on them.

Idk I think December Flower was on to something. I don’t think you should mask again but sometimes when people receive a diagnosis they become their diagnosis, that’s what I hear happening here.

You definitely need new friends no doubt, but you need to lower your expectations of what these friends can be to you. Especially right now in the pandemic we all got things going on and have very little ability to help others.

-GC

I didn't tell them past trauma with the expectation they would never leave, they explicitly told me that 'nothing you do because of your mental health will cause me to stop being friends with you, you're stuck with me for life' and that was the point at which I trusted them enough to disclose. I think you misread what I meant and got it backwards. I didn't tell them *so* they would never leave, I told them because they specifically said they wouldn't. They had also been in many ways pressuring me to disclose for years, by continually hinting that nothing I told them about what happened to me would stop them being friends with me. I asked them all if I could tell them, and they enthusiastically said yes as they believed it would help, and at the time it did. I didn't tell them for therapy, I told them to shed my shame about what happened to me by telling my story, which (shock horror) I was actually advised to do by my therapist who told me to pick a couple of friends and approach them about whether they would be okay with hearing about my story. Some of them already knew most of the details anyway from guessing. Bit rich of you to make assumptions about the purpose of the task that was carried out on direction from my therapist of 8 years. We talked about it once, and we never talked about it again. That was the point.

I don't expect my friends to see me all the time - what I do expect is a phone call here and there and to catch up more than once a year, and I personally don't think I'm asking for much considering how much we used to catch up.

I also don't really understand how you can interpret me saying 'I'm doing a shitload of intensive therapy in order to better manage my issues so that I can have better relationships with people' as just 'identifying with my diagnosis.' Not to mention that for a lot of autistic people, our disgnosis is a big part of our identity. It's not a mental health condition, it's a neurotype. They're not the same thing.

No amount of therapy I do will change the fact that my brain fundamentally processes things extremely differently to neurotypical people. I take meds for bipolar, that's fixable. Done 8 years worth of trauma therapy for cPTSD, that's pretty much handled. ADHD just needs medication. I am autistic. I don't 'have autism' as it's not something that's wrong with me, it's sort of part of who I am and has defined my life since I was a child in every single way you can imagine, from being called retarded by grown adults to being excluded on the playground. I've self identified as being Autistic for 3 years and only just got a Diagnosis. My friends have not been as distant since finishing uni. The massive life change is what threw me into a A grade meltdown/burnout. I don't have the capacity to just 'replace my friends' as in my mind I'd made all the friends I wanted, they all picked me, I never put much effort into finding them. I just needed to sit on a waiting list for 2 years to get diagnosed and save up the money is all.

NGL it sort of seems like you just read the most negative interpretation into everything I've written here lol I'm literally saying I would like my neurotypical friends to put in a fraction of the amount of effort I put in to communicating better as I do and you're coming off like I'm asking for the most ridiculous thing in the world. Like as if I don't sit in fortnightly speech therapy training myself to think neurtypically and all I would like from my friends is more direct communication. The old friends were massive dicks, that's an indisputable fact according to every single one of my current friends who told me to get them out of my life.

I'm just trying to get the current friends who suck at communication to suck less because if I'm putting the work in, they should at least meet me a part of the way there.

 

[December Flower]

I suppose to some of my friends it may have looked like I 'got diagnosed and started acting autistic' but what actually happened is they basically dropped off the face of the earth for 6 months and barely interacted with me to the point of not knowing I was under suicide watch by community mental health care, but that's more of a reflection of the effort they put in to staying connected with me. They just happened to start talking to me more again after I got diagnosed due to work calming down or their partners going overseas and thought this was a 'new' version of me that popped up since disgnosis.

Like nah, I've been like this for a year since burnout. You just weren't paying any attention.

that however is an indication that some of your friends might have interpreted the situation as that exactly.

Dude, it's always a double-edged sword when it comes to social settings and autism. They say they understand, but they cannot possibly understand, just as we cannot possibly understand them. I've had a hundred people tell me they could handle me being myself, but the fact is they can't, so if I choose to hold on to said social bond, I need to adjust in some way.
It's their world, and if we want to be successful in it, we need to mask in some way or another. At least in group settings or at work..
For me personally, partially masking has worked well, but there was also therapy involved that came first(microdosed MDMA, /w a pretty famous health scientist who's a friend of my aunt)

It sucks that it took years for your ASD to be reckognized, I know that feeling. My parents just didn't believe in it. Here in Bavaria, older generations see all mental illnesses as "Spinnat"(insane), and nobody can have that, so ppl from my parents' or their parents' generations will sort of just pretend they don't exist.

It's such a cliché to say this, but it will take time.
CBT & CT will do you very good, and help you handle social situations easier.
Once you are in therapy it does get easier

 

[Eligiu]

Yeah I do weekly (something) therapy with a psychologist for Autism ATM and I've already made more progress with her in a couple of months than I did my trauma one for 2 years because all of my issues the last 2 years have actually been autism related so I know it's useful. And at least I got heaps of funding for psychology in my plan. I just have to make sure I get what I need in the review too but I have all the paperwork necessary to prove I need speech therapy actually specifically stated as well as occupational therapy. Not just me chewing into my budget and hoping I can afford it.

I'm not saying I won't adjust. I'm saying I'm not going to change who I fundamentally am in order to make other people happy - clearly I am adjusting by doing a bunch of therapy. I just expect a modicum of effort back - like if I tell someone 'be direct with me if I've done something wrong instead of dropping subtle cues' I would appreciate if they actually did that instead of saying they would, then not doing it and getting shitty with me when we have an argument, because I'm not apologising for things I didn't do wrong. Ill apologise for saying or doing the wrong thing, but I'll still point out that they should have told me the first time and saved us an argument.

 

[December Flower]

Yeah I do weekly (something) therapy with a psychologist for Autism ATM and I've already made more progress with her in a couple of months than I did my trauma one for 2 years because all of my issues the last 2 years have actually been autism related so I know it's useful. And at least I got heaps of funding for psychology in my plan. I just have to make sure I get what I need in the review too but I have all the paperwork necessary to prove I need speech therapy actually specifically stated as well as occupational therapy. Not just me chewing into my budget and hoping I can afford it.

That's good to hear. Just keep working with her and have some patience.
The friends who care about you will return, or you make some better ones.

 

[Eligiu]

Like someone else mentioned, I'm thinking of joining some hobby groups to find people who have some mutual interests, maybe Lego or model making. That would be something I'd enjoy and a good chance they may also be autistic too because I do generally get along better with other autistic people.

Reconnection with one of the friends I lost is a distant possibility. I told him exactly what had happened that upset me and he said he hoped to speak in the future but I think I need a good 6-12 months away from him to calm down about a bunch of stuff he said and be able to figure out a way to eventually have a proper discussion about it in the future.

With the other friend? I absolutely burnt that bridge, but funnily enough I don't regret it. He'd been giving me mixed messages for a year after ghosting me because of my addiction even though the entire premise of our friendship initially had been him basically being my sponsor, until I realised he had a saviour complex and I tried to push the relationship more towards a friendship. There was a 3 month period where I felt like the weird power imbalance didn't exist between us when we hit the gym together, but I could barely send this guy a text without having a panic attack because I had no real idea how he felt about me. Imagine the most hot and cold person you've met then times that by like a thousand and you'd hit what my last year of friendship with this guy was like. I was glad it was over because at the end of it he was gaslighting me then blaming me for being confused.

The dude who wanted my prescription? Well if he wants to throw away a 10 year friendship because he can't handle being called out on his shitty behaviour that isn't a me issue. I kept making excuses as to why I couldn't sell him drugs and decided to just tell him. He couldn't take it.

I don't think I've lost much from losing those two 'friends'.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

Like someone else mentioned, I'm thinking of joining some hobby groups to find people who have some mutual interests, maybe Lego or model making. That would be something I'd enjoy and a good chance they may also be autistic too because I do generally get along better with other autistic people.

yeah man, hobby communities don't care about your social skills, your age or anything, only the common interest. It's an amazing way to meet cool people when you start to get older and school isn't a thing anymore.

also, just want to say... my life has been so many things in so many place to so many people... I've lived in so many places and had to just abandon many relationships I had with people good or bad. That's part of life.

Don't base your self worth on how many friends you have or whatever. The only friend that really matters is you.

My father is a despicable person. He told me once... "The truth is, nobody in this entire world will ever give a shit about you". Dark... but he is right in a way. However, you will discover... people do care about you, but only after you also care about yourself. That's how I interpret my father's "message".

 

[December Flower]

Like someone else mentioned, I'm thinking of joining some hobby groups to find people who have some mutual interests, maybe Lego or model making. That would be something I'd enjoy and a good chance they may also be autistic too because I do generally get along better with other autistic people.

Reconnection with one of the friends I lost is a distant possibility. I told him exactly what had happened that upset me and he said he hoped to speak in the future but I think I need a good 6-12 months away from him to calm down about a bunch of stuff he said and be able to figure out a way to eventually have a proper discussion about it in the future.

With the other friend? I absolutely burnt that bridge, but funnily enough I don't regret it. He'd been giving me mixed messages for a year after ghosting me because of my addiction even though the entire premise of our friendship initially had been him basically being my sponsor, until I realised he had a saviour complex and I tried to push the relationship more towards a friendship. There was a 3 month period where I felt like the weird power imbalance didn't exist between us when we hit the gym together, but I could barely send this guy a text without having a panic attack because I had no real idea how he felt about me. Imagine the most hot and cold person you've met then times that by like a thousand and you'd hit what my last year of friendship with this guy was like. I was glad it was over because at the end of it he was gaslighting me then blaming me for being confused.

The dude who wanted my prescription? Well if he wants to throw away a 10 year friendship because he can't handle being called out on his shitty behaviour that isn't a me issue. I kept making excuses as to why I couldn't sell him drugs and decided to just tell him. He couldn't take it.

I don't think I've lost much from losing those two 'friends'.

I read about that in your other thread, the very long one. Not trying to get into your personal business, but that sounded like a very unhealthy relationship. Enabling someone in addictive addiction in any way is bad mojo. I'm sure he did want to help, but ppl with a saviour complex and opiate addiction makes for a diabolical amalgamation of events.

If I'm being honest, I enjoy the company of NTs more, it's a bit weird.
I tend to get freaked out by other people's ticks and/or RIs.