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August getting/staying sober v. you can do it!

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manboychef said:
^^^^me too. If its in my hand I'm using it. Even candy.
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+1

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goodnight all you moonlight ladies<3.. another 24 down:)
 
ad lib said:
Why is it so hard to taper off benzos?? :(
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neversickanymore said:
I dont know I found it impossible to tapper off anything.. just me though.. hope you are all doing good tonight.
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manboychef said:
^^^^me too. If its in my hand I'm using it. Even candy.
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Yes this is why I couldn't taper off benzos on my own no matter how hard I tried. After going to a doctor and having her prescribe a medication (and of course threatening me and forcing me to promise I wouldn't take my other benzos with the ones she was prescribing for the taper) really helped. I know I'm only allowed to touch that bottle twice per day within 10-12 hour increments. I have control over the medication but mentally I feel like she is in control and I need to follow directions. It's been very helpful.

Beginning of day 3. Starting off with slight/minimal anxiety. I think I'm beginning to level off :). Still stickin to doctors orders and only taking the exact amount of what she prescribed. =D.

See you guys tonight for my evening update! Keep it going loves! <3
 
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neversickanymore said:
Hey guys doing really pretty good.. a little time away to recharge the batteries in preporation for new things.

Hey case and manBC.. you guys may want to look at where you guys are in the cycle..

  • Frustration and internal pain that leads to anxiety and a demand for relief of these symptoms
  • Fantasizing about using alcohol and drugs or behaviors to relieve the uncomfortable symptoms
  • Obsessing about using drugs and alcohol and how his or her life will be after the use of substances
  • Engaging in the addictive activity, such as using substances to gain relief (acting out)
  • Losing control over the behavior
  • Developing feelings of remorse, guilt and shame, which lead to feelings of dissatisfaction
  • Making a promise or resolve to oneself to stop the behavior or substance use
  • After a period of time, the pain returns, and the addict begins to experience the fantasies of using substances again.


...
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Thanks so much NSA. You're so amazing, this post really helped.

I'm back to my usual self after a few days of misery. Not really any specific reason, most likely just PAWS since I had 90 days a week and a half ago and this all started a week or so ago.

I'm feeling much better today though - Just finished working out, cleaning my room, drawing a bit and listening to great music during it all and had on of those "Why Am I miserable when I can choose to be happy!" moments. Thought about everything in my life that's going so well and got really grateful. I'm feeling MUCH better!

Met with my sponsor yesterday, went over my step work for 6 then read step 7 in the 12X12 together and finished off 7.

Before I start step 8, my "recovery" work for the next two weeks is to find a job. I think it's really important now - The first 3 months it's Ok to just relax, hit hella meetings, do lots of recovery work and just focus on getting sober. Now that I've been sober over 3 months, it's about STAYING sober - and too much down time will be the shortcoming that leads me to using.

Also, I've taken on a lot more responsibility at my sober living house lately. On top of acting as resident adviser, I went out to lunch with the manager the other day and discussed my interest in the business and being a house manager in the future. So we talked about more responsibilities that i'd be willing to take on, and he's now training me to take over the management position whenever it becomes available! I'm super excited. Nothing is set in stone, so I'm not letting myself get too strong of expectations, but I definitely have a chance to become house manager at some point in the future now.
The manager even trusts me enough currently that I am in charge of handing out peoples medications (among other responsibilities). Currently don't get paid as RA, however I do get some perks I'm happy with such as no other chore, no cerfew, and I can have overnight guests. Which is seriously awesome right now - the girl I've been seeing and I went on an awesome date the other day and made our relationship official, so I'll be referring to her as my girlfriend rather than friend girl from here on out! :) So it's easier to be with her now that she can stay here overnight, or I can stay at her place.

I'm really happy. Things are actually going really well for me and I guess I lost sight of that for a few days.

On top of this, my other room mate from rehab a few months ago just moved into my SLE and he's my room mate here now! I'm super happy about this, the three of us became brothers while in the program, and now that we just lost one of us to a relapse and fatal overdose a couple weeks ago we have the opportunity to be there and support each other again. Until he moved in here he lived 5 hours away in nor cal, in a terrible mountain meth town where he would not have lasted long. So I'm really happy he's back down here in the bay area living with me. :)

We're going to start going to Yoga this week, I've been wanting to go but have a hard time getting myself to do things when I'm going alone so this is perfect. We can hold each other accountable!

I'm really excited for how things are going, and I hope everyone else is doing well too!

Stay up everyone - Sure, there are ups and downs in this process, but don't ever forget things DO get better!


Besides my wallowing in misery the last week, I haven't been on as much since the room mate I had who relapsed moved to a different room, and he had the computer. So now I gotta go across the street to the main house to use one of our community computers (I'm in an apartment across the street from the main SLE house). But now that my motivation is back and I'm feeling much better, I should be back to posting and sharing positive vibes daily again! gotta go make something to eat but I'll be back on here later today to reply to peoples threads. Not that I have such a high opinion of myself I think bluelight has been in a frenzy without me haha. I'm sure you guys are fine, I just like to share my positive input in threads because if anything it helps ME stay sober. :)
 
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Shit case It is really good to see you sir=D.. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried for you sir<3

I posted this in anther thread but i will repost it here because it applies and is a good thing IMO..

neversickanymore said:
I think of this insane song as it reminds me to take a look at where I am at in the cycle of addiction and I try to take an inventory of my recovery once or so a day. By doing this often I think I keep myself safer and happier as I am better able to identify what I am needing depending on where I'm at. "The Wheels On The Bus" .. the monkeys on the bus put their seatbelts on and they enjoy the ride:D all through the town.
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such nice work at pulling outta the cycle!!!! To make sure you remember and to familiarize yourself with how your cycles is individually, I would think of writing an exploration of what went down and how you pulled out.. think of looking at the initial causes, how it began to change your thinking and the resultant emotional and mood changes. how you finally recognized it, what you did to pull yourself back into the light, and finally what you could do in the future to catch or fix this cycle progression quicker possibly prevent it before this particular path get going. Nice work case=D

caseface99 said:
We're going to start going to Yoga this week
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I have a long time cute little ten year clean junkie that I just adore most of the time miss patience awkward.. who has maintained a life free from her docs (speedballs) and free from active addiction to anything else by using yoga as her weapon.. in her immortal words, "what do you mean its all about impulse control, addiction is.. and yoga is all about impulse control and meditation" Cant argue with success and since I new her as a seventy pound strung out spunion and have the pleasure of knowing her as successful mother and business woman living a strong recovery I have to say she must have something there;)
 
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Try to distract yourself as much as possible! thats all i can say.. it works for me..
 
I had a hard morning, which freaked me out for a minute, but I got over it pretty fast. Went to a party yesterday afternoon/last night with all my friends... the guy I was talking to showed up (who randomly decided to drop me for literally no reason whatsoever on Thursday), I was hoping he wouldn't because I knew this would happen. When he wasn't refusing to tell me wtf I did wrong because he was "trying to have a good night", he was either straight up ignoring me or hooking up with my FRIEND that I fucking WENT TO THE PARTY WITH right in front of my face. Also overheard him talking about me to some guy I didn't even know. Needless to say, my night quickly went to shit after he showed up... I got really quiet and withdrawn and wouldn't talk to anyone, I couldn't get myself out of my depressed/angry mood. Luckily my other friend caught on and took me with her to another friend's house for an hour, and I was in a much better mood when we finally went back to the party. I woke up really bummed out this morning and sent the dude a really bitchy FB message, since he promised he would talk to me about things today (you only need one guess whether he actually kept his word or not), discovered my phone was missing (the guy who accidentally took it brought it back though lol thank GOD), and when I finally got home this afternoon I walked into my mom being on a rampage about everything. She apparently found this coin book in my room that I had stolen back when I was using, and started screaming at me and threatening me with shit. Just what I needed, right? So yeah, I got really fucking overwhelmed by everything for a minute, let me tell you.

I'm not gonna lie, the thought of using to numb myself out was appealing for a minute. I got over it pretty fast, realized that doing that would just make my problems worse, not to mention make me feel bad about myself, and then went to my room and cried really hard (btw that's the first time I've been able to cry in years... it actually felt good) and then took a nap instead. I felt a lot better when I woke up and decided to tackle my issues the right way. Apologized to my parents and explained to them that I know I fucked up while I was a heroin addict but that yelling at me wasn't going to solve anything, wasn't going to bring the money back, and they seemed to calm down. Then I texted that guy and apologized for being a bitch, told him that everything is cool on my end and I don't need or want to talk about it/know what I did wrong anymore cuz it didn't matter anyway, there wasn't any taking back what he did and it was too far gone, but that I still wanted to be friends. He didn't respond, but I'm not really tripping since I see him twice a week whether I like it or not and I know that whatever is still wrong by the middle of the week can be fixed then... that is, if I still even give enough of a fuck at that point to try to salvage things so we can at least be friends. Also making myself accept the fact that, yeah, it's probably gonna hurt to see him with my friend from now on and I just need to be patient cuz it won't hurt forever. Then I texted some of my girl friends, invited my best friend over, and worked on my mixes, and felt infinitely better. Life is good again <3

I was just really grateful to realize how much easier it's getting. I honestly don't even think about it anymore the rest of the time, too busy enjoying life, and I'm able to see now that using isn't a real solution and that there is always a healthier, REAL solution. And I'm able to make myself sit there and examine the problem from a healthy perspective, apply the solution, and then be patient while I wait for things to work themselves out. I'm still having some random physical withdrawal symptoms that are annoying as fuck, but meh... for the most part, this is turning out to be a hell of a lot easier than I thought it would... and I am DEFINITELY grateful for that, cuz I see some of my other friends who are trying to get clean still struggling, and I feel like I got let off the hook really easy.

But yeah idk. Life is good :)
 
Well, I just got out of my first inpatient rehab today and I gotta admit i've been craving like mad all day. Maybe I should've went to a halfway house afterall. I will have to force myself to a meeting tomorrow but man I feel so alone out here. All that support I had in rehab is gone and my anxiety is back in a big way. I don't want to use but the thought of being numb really sounds appealing tonight. Being around my folks is big fucking trigger right now, I need to get away but where? All my friends are drug users pretty much and my phone won't turn on anyway :(

On the brightside i'm 28 days clean!
 
That's why it's strongly advised to go to sober living and/or transitional living. If you really want what you had in rehab, you'll have people in your situation in your area. Meetings are a good place to start building up that support, until you get your bearings under you. Good luck, and remember you've already made it a month. Finding what to do with your mind will help the main problem people have after they're through the physical BS of detox.
 
Finally the rapid heart rate and disturbed breathing is almost gone. 1.5 month clean though not feeling well yet. But much better. I wanna thank all ppl here, and especially neversickanymore. You are a true angle here, spreading so much beautiful and true thoughts and feelings!
 
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Having a really bad series of days.

Tough moments behind me, open days ahead of me.. I am going to have 2 days this weekend with nothing to do but relax but I'm going to be completely alone for those 2 days. Scared. Worried about relapsing. I don't know if I've ever been this worried about relapsing. Starting to fantasize and make plans in my head.

I'm moving to a new city in september and I've decided I am going to attend AA meetings. What I'm doing right now isn't working anymore.. I need to try something else.
 
Generic...could you invite a sober friend over to stay with you? I know it would be easy to drink....here's the kicker...and get away with it. If you do, have you truly gotten away with it? I don't know about you but I am my own harshest critic. I m the most let down and upset all the times I relapsed before.

As for my day...its okay so far.
 
good job everyone :D

man. this sucks. lol I had forgotten what it feels like to have your heart stomped on by someone you care about. It's not like I was in love with him or anything, not even close, but just as a person/my bro's friend/friend's brother/DJ in the collective, I did care. And I thought him and I saw life pretty much the same way and thought the same way, but I guess I was just proved wrong... he's just a fucked up person, not at all like I thought he was. I just don't get it. Literally one second everything was fine like it always was, and the next second he turned on me, like a complete 180. wtf?! I did nothing different than normal. I don't deal with resentment or rejection well and I have a lot of both right now and it sucks. These emotions are what drove me to use in the first place...

I hope I'm over this shit by the time my money comes in, cuz money is also a huge trigger for me (possibly my biggest one), and combined with this... I don't even know.

yeah... I don't fucking know. :/
 
unfortunately I can't.

man this is going to be tough. If my mindset doesn't change in the next few days.. I'm pretty sure I'll relapse... ugh. I don't know what to do.
 
shedder said:
Finally the rapid heart rate and disturbed breathing is almost gone. 1.5 month clean though not feeling well yet. But much better. I wanna thank all ppl here, and especially neversickanymore. You are a true angle here, spreading so much beautiful and true thoughts and feelings!
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Congratulations shedder=D.. it does get better and pretty quickly and thank you very much for those kind kind words sir<3


ahh another day everybody<3.. hope everyones keeping their heads far into the solution and flipping all those thoughts positive as I was looking at some things in a negative way this morning and had to check myself8(

Oh and @ burton.. so sorry girl<3 I know we dont control who we fall for but trying not to get involved with someone for a year or so may be something to think about as the recovery community is full of crash and burn stories about people getting all wrapped up really early in recovery.. alas passionate love is no more than an emotion and our emotions are whacked for awhile including the emotions that rejection from some assclown guy assclown brings.. you can do way better and you will=D

GenericName12 said:
If my mindset doesn't change in the next few days.. I'm pretty sure I'll relapse... ugh. I don't know what to do.
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better find away to change that mindset 12;).. maybe think of writing exactly what you are going through as a post here and we can all try and flip that thinking with you??
 
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