Congrats to everyone it seems like yesterday I was posting in the March thread about how I don't know how to get thru the weekend without using
Even 4 months in I was depressed about having a shit job and feeling like I will never move forward
Now I have a sick job I made more money in the last month then I would have made the whole year at the job I quit
A bunch of you guys told me to quit and not to worry and i am very glad a listened to you or else I would still be stuck at that job making pennies
I'm going to get a new car this week I can't believe how far I have come all I needed was some patience
Nearing 7 months is when things are finally falling into place
all the best to evreyone
Its amazing how much my career/education/work life has advanced since I have been clean. I have accomplished more then I have in a decade. Its awesome. Congrats!
Just really realizing that the relationship that I have been hoping I would get back just isn't going to happen. A few days ago I was praying for the strength to get through it and to let my ex do what she needed to do in order to stay clean. A few hours later I am blocked on facebook, instagram and her phone. Left a message, said I understood and that I would drop off all the stuff she left at my place at her parents. I did that. Deleted all pictures I had left of her as well.
Its hard but also a bit of a relief, doing my 11th step with my sponsor I realized she has been clean longer without me then she has in years. I told her that if her staying clean involved breaking up with me then she should do it (before she left for treatment).
I was texting her messages of support and saying she didn't have to reply and that I was proud of her blah blah. I was also hoping that she would reply. I guess they must have been bugging her or annoying her or something. I told her to tell me if they were and she didn't reply. She told me a month ago she would give me a call and didn't. Then said she would call me in a little while. Of course, I took the idea that she was going to call me as evidence that things were going to work out. I honestly lost a large part of control and just kept texting her like once every 3 days to once every week.
I am sick of playing this game and I guess ultimately am glad she blocked me. Fact of the matter is, when I move to the city in 3 months I will run into her at some point at a meeting and thats okay. I am not angry at her or anything like that. I will apologize for my behavior and tell her that she has done nothing wrong in blocking me.
The whole relationship was doomed the moment I caught her smoking crack almost six months ago. It should have been over then. Then I found out she had been lying to me and using almost weekly for a month or two. That really should have been the end of it.
We both tried to make it work and it didn't, then I kept holding on to it. I have no doubt she still loves me like I love her, but its just not meant to be. Maybe it will in the future, but I cannot afford to be held back by it anymore. I was obsessing over the idea of getting that relationship back. I do believe that someday I will meet someone I can be with forever as long as I stay clean.
The next day, an old friend from treatment contacted me and said he was just getting clean again and is living in the city. So now I have at least one contact in the city for meetings. I have the opportunity to build a completely new life. A chance to start over, its scary and thrilling at the same time.
I don't feel like using but I did try to convince myself to go gamble today (it was very fleeting). I guess I am slightly embarrassed by the way I was acting, but I really felt like I couldn't help it. I wanted to talk to her so badly and just wanted to work it out. Of course I cannot force it. If I never see her or talk to her again then so be it. This was my first real relationship and first real break up. This is something most people go through when they are 16....
My life is great though, got a new job, finally moving to where I want to be (and the recovery is phenomenal), almost done with grad school. I am healthy, I look good, my relationship with my family is great. I am proud of myself. I have a life worth living today.
So in the end, am I glad I got into the relationship? Yes. If only because I needed to feel what it was like to love someone and be loved and I think I needed this experience of loss and acceptance as well. Do I understand that whole "Wait 1 year or so to get into a relationship?" Hell yes I do. Would I recommend that people wait to get in relationships during the first year of recovery. Yes. I am learning from this and feel much better today then I have in the past few days since this all happened.
1 year, 3 months and 22 days clean and I will not give that up for anything.