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Attracted to my mate

T

TopDevil2011

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 6, 2011
Messages
2
Hey all,
Well I've read this forum for years and I do believe it to be more considered and open than anyothers I've browsed. I have decided to post here in the hope that someone can direct me, give me feedback or just help me through what is now turning out to the be the lowest moment of my life.

Long story short I am travelling. Around NZ. I finally settled on Auckland a year ago and have been here since. I have had goog jobs, lived in hostels, gotten drunk etc. I am a fairly honest guy, can be quite funny and give alot to people. However I have been hiding a side to myself that no-one knows. Basically I am gay. No-one has ever guessed and no-one has ever been told. It kills me inside that I can't be myself but at the same time I have spinned so much lies and deceit that at the age of 25 now I seem to have lost my mind and I seem to have lost my identity. I don't know if any of you have travelled nz before but its a fast moving thing. Houses change, people come and go, jobs get gained and lost pretty quickly. Everything is temperary. The backpacker world is quite vacous and empty sometimes as you can never really tell who's a real friend and who's just passing through. I love my life and I hate it. Anyway I seem to have almost accepted my ignorance to my sexuality. There have been moments with girls and that has satisfied me enough. Every now and then I'll hook up with a guy from online secretly and that will settle the other side. Then I get on with it. I go out and have fun with my mates, I go to work etc. It seemed until recently to work for me.

However something has now happened which has literally knocked the house of cards down. I've made a friend. Let's call him Rob. Me and Rob started drinking together, hanging out together. We became buddies. Over time, in fact over the last month so quite qucikly we have become very close. hugging, kissing, talking, the works. Deep down it felt special. It really did. His arm flung around me we'd walk around and hang out and just have fun. Nothing sexual ever happened and he is the straightest guy in the world. His gf is travelling and gets here next month. He loves her. I am happy for him. Genuinely. He deserves it. But now I think I love him and it's killing me inside. We got drunk one night and slept in the same bed together. We cuddled etc. Since then our relationship has escalated in many ways. Some of it good. Some of it bad. We now see each other every day. However all the affection has dried up. I think what happened scared him a bit because now he physically keeps his distance when we are around each other. And I'm going to be honest I miss it. So much. Selfish as it sounds because I should know better. Sometimes when we are together I just look at him and it hurts how much I care. We like the same books, movies, films. Same opinion on politics and people. We make each other laugh till we cry. He often jokes that we are like a couple. All our friends do. But now its changing. His girlfirend will be here soon and when she comes I want him to be happy. But at the same time I am now in the doldrums of depression. I am sick to death of being this way. Of being gay. Of having to be the social mutant who decieves people. I am decieving him. If he know what I thought he'd probably feel used. I know I would. It kills me inside because I have all these issues:
-I love him. I don't want anyone else.
-I can't have him. He's in love with someone else.
-I can't talk to anyone about how I feel.
-He is my friend and I know deep down I now have to cut him out.

I don't really know where I go from here. Do I engineer a way to get him out of my life? Do I just up and leave? Will I actually get over this? I just needs some observations. On the surfact of it all, he's a straight lad in a relationship, he's happy and in love. However up until that night we slept in the same bed my gut instincts said there was more to it than that. That this rapid closeness couldn't have just come from nowhere or am I just downright deluded? I know this has become a bit of a rant but thanks for reading. I'm sure I've not succintly summed it all up but I just need some advice. I'm literally at the end of wick and mentally I can't go on like this.

Cheers guys.
 
Maybe your friend is bi? Maybe it's because I'm in the U.S., but I don't think "straight" male friends kiss. If I were you, I'd tell him.
 
You guys hug and kiss and you don't think he's gay? Come on man. There is no way he is just straight. Straight guys don't do that.
At the very least he's bisexual, but perhaps he's like you; hiding his true feelings because he's not ready to embrace it.
Get drunk together and try make a definitive move.
I haven't lived in Auckland for a long time but there are a lot of gay guys there. Eventually you'll meet someone at any rate, so chin up!

Also, if you're traveling NZ, what's the point in hiding your true self? Shit, travel should be a chance to really find yourself so to speak. You won't be seeing the same people often enough for their opinions to matter in the long run, so just try being open about your sexuality. I think NZ is a pretty relaxed place. Easy for me to say I suppose. Just my 2c.
 
I would certainly be wondering if this guy Rob is actually gay or bi. I'm not sure how he "is the straightest guy in the world". Straight guys generally don't kiss other guys. Or cuddle. I have seen more "open" straight guys hug other guys but that's about it. Maybe he is unsure ... maybe he's actually kind of "experimenting" with you??
If being gay isn't as socially accepted where you are, maybe he is hiding it. A nice girlfriend is a great coverup too. No one thinks the guy with the girlfriend is gay!!!
Okay, well besides that.

If he really isn't gay, you need to get over him. This is kind of tough. But many people have been in this situation before - loving someone they can't have. I find the best way is to keep busy, find someone else to be interested (distract you), and stay away from this guy as much as possible. I mean, don't downright avoid him. But putting yourself in situations where you have to be near him is not the best idea unless absolutely necessary.

I also think you should try and be more open with your sexuality. Don't hide it from people that you're gay. Maybe you can say you're bi to start with. Kind of gradually grow into it. I have a good friend who is gay, he said that he knew his parents would hate it if they found out. So he told them that he was bisexual. This freaked them out a bit but not as bad as if he was "just gay". I don't know, for some people, being bi is more "acceptable" than being gay and it might be a good gateway.
 
He sounds Bi to be honest.*
I can't say though... none of us can. You're only solution? TALK to him. I wouldn't just let everything go. Sometimes taking a risk will make your life better is so many ways. Sometimes worse. But you'll never know till you try. I say open up with him.
 
Thanks for reading and replying - much appreciated comfort at a really messed up time for me.

Basically I have now embarked on the worst possible strategy - cutting him out. I seem to be subconsciously engineering arguments with him to get rid of him. And then he calls,calls and calls again to apologize making me feel like a prized dick. However, he has a girlfriend, what am I supposed to do? She comes in a month to join him and then they settle down together to start a new life. The thought of that alone makes me so heartbroken I don't think I can cope. I know how pathetic that sounds but our bond felt so good and true. I just can't be his mate any longer. I would love grab life by the balls and just tell him, if only out of morbid curiosity to see what happens but I am afraid he'd probably never trust a guy again if I get this one wrong.

This is a real mess.
 
are there gay bars in Auckland?
places where you could be yourself and not feel hemmed in by heteronormative life?

are you a kiwi (you say you are travelling around NZ) or from another country originally?
there must be a way you can find to be yourself, especially if you're away from 'home'?

so many questions!
it sounds like a tough one - unrequited love always hurts like hell, but maybe you can use this to find a way to live how you want to. sometimes it hurts like hell to work your way through something, but you come out of the other side a better person.
 
just tell him you're gay and you like him sexually and if he turns around and says he's not interested you can move the fuck on, come out and get your head together.

closet cases always fall for straight men. open up and free yourself. he seems like your only option.

i'm gay and i've done that thankless unrequited shit. waste of fucking time. you only have one life. use it and be free
 
Well, this seemed really honest and open, but it made me feel really bad for you to read.

First of all, I find it hard to understand that someone in this day and age can have such a problem with accepting and living out their own sexuality or sexual orientation. Sometimes I laugh at Christian in Eastenders because of the way he manages to make being gay seem like such a positive thing and think being gay can't be that hard these days compared to how it used to be. But I guess it still is for many, and am aware there must be many more secret than open homo-sexuals out there. And guess I can see how if you first get into that pattern of pretending you're like anyone else, or start out that way, how it can be hard to get out of and seem easier to just continue like that.

Anyway, I think the main thing for you is that you really need to get out into the gay scene in some way. Even if you still choose to keep it a secret from your family and close friends. Because it's far too hard on yourself to keep yourself from totally experiencing fulfilling relationships or interact from other guys in the way you would like like you've been doing. Sounds like you can take care of the sexual part, so what you're missing is a real relationship with someone of the opposite sex, and if you get into an environment where you can interact with those who are the same it probably won't be long before you'll get an opportunity. Especially if you've been holding it off for so long, you're likely to fall for someone who gives you the chance to experience some of that quite easily. Maybe not the right one at first, but just being able to experience and fulfill those needs in a small way would be an improvement to your situation.

Also, you shouldn't think too much about this guy, or that he's the only one you can love, etc. because there are so many people in the world you can love. You're never going to run out of people you can love or prospects you can have romantic feelings for, so there's no point in spending too much time being frustrated about any one person. Those feelings are nearly always temporary, anyway, and often quite short-lived, so it's not really as much of a loss as you can be made to feel. Of course, in the beginning when feelings are so strong you can be made to feel that way, but nearly always it will eventually, ot not in too long, go away, and it's better to just let yourself pass through it and not worry about it too much if it doesn't work out for some reason. Just appreciate you have someone to love that you can see regularly, just that alone means a lot and is rewarding in itself. So try not to obsess too much over this guy and don't listen to those who say love only comes along once in a lifetime, etc. It might be that way for some, but certainly not for everyone, and there's no reason it has to be that way.

Well, I think that's mostly what I had to say. Reading it just made me feel bad for you and I hope you can find some way to keep your existing life and have those needs filled, or find the strength to live that way openly, however you decide it. This also makes me wonder how many attractive guys who seem to be happily surrounded by women are really acting out a play and underneath very unhappy.
 
im kind of in the same situation..but my friend wouldnt think of hugging or kissing me but i have of him..just never acted upon these thoughts
(maybe he thinks im gay..idk)
 
pofacedhoe said:
just tell him you're gay and you like him sexually and if he turns around and says he's not interested you can move the fuck on, come out and get your head together.

closet cases always fall for straight men. open up and free yourself. he seems like your only option.

i'm gay and i've done that thankless unrequited shit. waste of fucking time. you only have one life. use it and be free
Click to expand...

I agree, TopDevil2011 have you tried looking for men in NZ who are interested in dating or relationships?

Yeah the whole online and bar/dance club scene is mainly about hooking up-at least here in the United States and other countries I've been to I have never been to NZ; but you can always meet people who are interested in dating or having a relationship it just takes some time.

We always want what we can't have. I am bisexual and I had feelings for a gay male friend of mine and he made it quite clear that he was not interested in me. There's no reason you have to completely cut this guy out of your life or stop being friends with him. Just find someone else who is bisexual or gay, single, and who wants to date or have a relationship.

When I was told no by my gay friend I did not do things to sabotouge our friendship and I did not cut him out of my life. He is one of my good friends and we have known each other for years. I met one of my other good friends who is bisexual in a bar and at first he was hitting on me and very attracted to me but I would keep telling him no thanks or no. I did give him my email address and we became friends and he understood that I was not interested in dating him or having a relationship with him.
 
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TopDevil2011 said:
Thanks for reading and replying - much appreciated comfort at a really messed up time for me.

Basically I have now embarked on the worst possible strategy - cutting him out. I seem to be subconsciously engineering arguments with him to get rid of him. And then he calls,calls and calls again to apologize making me feel like a prized dick. However, he has a girlfriend, what am I supposed to do? She comes in a month to join him and then they settle down together to start a new life. The thought of that alone makes me so heartbroken I don't think I can cope. I know how pathetic that sounds but our bond felt so good and true. I just can't be his mate any longer. I would love grab life by the balls and just tell him, if only out of morbid curiosity to see what happens but I am afraid he'd probably never trust a guy again if I get this one wrong.

This is a real mess.
Click to expand...

Stop being so bloody dramatic and tell him. If you keep it to yourself you will always regret it. If you tell him you'll only maybe regret it.
 
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