TopDevil2011
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 6, 2011
- Messages
- 2
Hey all,
Well I've read this forum for years and I do believe it to be more considered and open than anyothers I've browsed. I have decided to post here in the hope that someone can direct me, give me feedback or just help me through what is now turning out to the be the lowest moment of my life.
Long story short I am travelling. Around NZ. I finally settled on Auckland a year ago and have been here since. I have had goog jobs, lived in hostels, gotten drunk etc. I am a fairly honest guy, can be quite funny and give alot to people. However I have been hiding a side to myself that no-one knows. Basically I am gay. No-one has ever guessed and no-one has ever been told. It kills me inside that I can't be myself but at the same time I have spinned so much lies and deceit that at the age of 25 now I seem to have lost my mind and I seem to have lost my identity. I don't know if any of you have travelled nz before but its a fast moving thing. Houses change, people come and go, jobs get gained and lost pretty quickly. Everything is temperary. The backpacker world is quite vacous and empty sometimes as you can never really tell who's a real friend and who's just passing through. I love my life and I hate it. Anyway I seem to have almost accepted my ignorance to my sexuality. There have been moments with girls and that has satisfied me enough. Every now and then I'll hook up with a guy from online secretly and that will settle the other side. Then I get on with it. I go out and have fun with my mates, I go to work etc. It seemed until recently to work for me.
However something has now happened which has literally knocked the house of cards down. I've made a friend. Let's call him Rob. Me and Rob started drinking together, hanging out together. We became buddies. Over time, in fact over the last month so quite qucikly we have become very close. hugging, kissing, talking, the works. Deep down it felt special. It really did. His arm flung around me we'd walk around and hang out and just have fun. Nothing sexual ever happened and he is the straightest guy in the world. His gf is travelling and gets here next month. He loves her. I am happy for him. Genuinely. He deserves it. But now I think I love him and it's killing me inside. We got drunk one night and slept in the same bed together. We cuddled etc. Since then our relationship has escalated in many ways. Some of it good. Some of it bad. We now see each other every day. However all the affection has dried up. I think what happened scared him a bit because now he physically keeps his distance when we are around each other. And I'm going to be honest I miss it. So much. Selfish as it sounds because I should know better. Sometimes when we are together I just look at him and it hurts how much I care. We like the same books, movies, films. Same opinion on politics and people. We make each other laugh till we cry. He often jokes that we are like a couple. All our friends do. But now its changing. His girlfirend will be here soon and when she comes I want him to be happy. But at the same time I am now in the doldrums of depression. I am sick to death of being this way. Of being gay. Of having to be the social mutant who decieves people. I am decieving him. If he know what I thought he'd probably feel used. I know I would. It kills me inside because I have all these issues:
-I love him. I don't want anyone else.
-I can't have him. He's in love with someone else.
-I can't talk to anyone about how I feel.
-He is my friend and I know deep down I now have to cut him out.
I don't really know where I go from here. Do I engineer a way to get him out of my life? Do I just up and leave? Will I actually get over this? I just needs some observations. On the surfact of it all, he's a straight lad in a relationship, he's happy and in love. However up until that night we slept in the same bed my gut instincts said there was more to it than that. That this rapid closeness couldn't have just come from nowhere or am I just downright deluded? I know this has become a bit of a rant but thanks for reading. I'm sure I've not succintly summed it all up but I just need some advice. I'm literally at the end of wick and mentally I can't go on like this.
Cheers guys.
Well I've read this forum for years and I do believe it to be more considered and open than anyothers I've browsed. I have decided to post here in the hope that someone can direct me, give me feedback or just help me through what is now turning out to the be the lowest moment of my life.
Long story short I am travelling. Around NZ. I finally settled on Auckland a year ago and have been here since. I have had goog jobs, lived in hostels, gotten drunk etc. I am a fairly honest guy, can be quite funny and give alot to people. However I have been hiding a side to myself that no-one knows. Basically I am gay. No-one has ever guessed and no-one has ever been told. It kills me inside that I can't be myself but at the same time I have spinned so much lies and deceit that at the age of 25 now I seem to have lost my mind and I seem to have lost my identity. I don't know if any of you have travelled nz before but its a fast moving thing. Houses change, people come and go, jobs get gained and lost pretty quickly. Everything is temperary. The backpacker world is quite vacous and empty sometimes as you can never really tell who's a real friend and who's just passing through. I love my life and I hate it. Anyway I seem to have almost accepted my ignorance to my sexuality. There have been moments with girls and that has satisfied me enough. Every now and then I'll hook up with a guy from online secretly and that will settle the other side. Then I get on with it. I go out and have fun with my mates, I go to work etc. It seemed until recently to work for me.
However something has now happened which has literally knocked the house of cards down. I've made a friend. Let's call him Rob. Me and Rob started drinking together, hanging out together. We became buddies. Over time, in fact over the last month so quite qucikly we have become very close. hugging, kissing, talking, the works. Deep down it felt special. It really did. His arm flung around me we'd walk around and hang out and just have fun. Nothing sexual ever happened and he is the straightest guy in the world. His gf is travelling and gets here next month. He loves her. I am happy for him. Genuinely. He deserves it. But now I think I love him and it's killing me inside. We got drunk one night and slept in the same bed together. We cuddled etc. Since then our relationship has escalated in many ways. Some of it good. Some of it bad. We now see each other every day. However all the affection has dried up. I think what happened scared him a bit because now he physically keeps his distance when we are around each other. And I'm going to be honest I miss it. So much. Selfish as it sounds because I should know better. Sometimes when we are together I just look at him and it hurts how much I care. We like the same books, movies, films. Same opinion on politics and people. We make each other laugh till we cry. He often jokes that we are like a couple. All our friends do. But now its changing. His girlfirend will be here soon and when she comes I want him to be happy. But at the same time I am now in the doldrums of depression. I am sick to death of being this way. Of being gay. Of having to be the social mutant who decieves people. I am decieving him. If he know what I thought he'd probably feel used. I know I would. It kills me inside because I have all these issues:
-I love him. I don't want anyone else.
-I can't have him. He's in love with someone else.
-I can't talk to anyone about how I feel.
-He is my friend and I know deep down I now have to cut him out.
I don't really know where I go from here. Do I engineer a way to get him out of my life? Do I just up and leave? Will I actually get over this? I just needs some observations. On the surfact of it all, he's a straight lad in a relationship, he's happy and in love. However up until that night we slept in the same bed my gut instincts said there was more to it than that. That this rapid closeness couldn't have just come from nowhere or am I just downright deluded? I know this has become a bit of a rant but thanks for reading. I'm sure I've not succintly summed it all up but I just need some advice. I'm literally at the end of wick and mentally I can't go on like this.
Cheers guys.