Ativan --> Klonopin | Officially jumped on the Benzo bandwagon...

[Lightning-Nl]

I just spent several days hospitalized for many reasons. Abusive home situation, severe anxiety, and increasingly worse depression. I've been taking my PRN Ativan prescription at the maximum dosages for over a month now. Usually 3 milligrams a day. I didn't want to. I knew it was going to lead to a horrible withdrawal... but I didn't have a choice... It was that, or have to deal with being at home - which I couldn't.

Before I go further, lemme explain my medication history briefly. I've been on everything; literally everything for anxiety. You name it, I've been on it. Just to give you an idea I'll name some of the meds I've been on...

• Zoloft
• Paxil
• Prozac
• Effexor
• Cymbalta
• Gabapentin
• Abilify
• Risperdal
• Seroquel
• Geodon
• Haldol
• Hydroxyzine
• Mirtazepine
• Doxepin
• Trazodone
• Buspar

Any many, many more. Nearly all of the aforementioned drugs caused paradoxical increase in anxiety and agitation. Eventually, the only other things left to try were the benzos. Once I was prescribed Ativan - my panic attacks went away entirely... No more incapacitating anxiety. But things at home got worse. Life got even more stressful, and Ativan became my only way out.

Well, the doctor at the hospital wanted to put me on Haldol full time. I told him absolutely not. Beside the fact that Haldol would make me literally unable to anything at all - it has induced Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome in me before. So, he said that if I needed to take benzo's full time that I needed to switch to long acting Benzodiazepine and that taking Ativan 3 times a day is not really an option.

So he switched me to Klonopin. I'm now, currently prescribed, 1 milligram of Klonopin right as I get up in the morning, and another milligram right as I'm about to go to bed. On top of the Kpins, I also take 30 milligrams of Temazepam at night. So right now - I'm on a fucking HUGE dose of benzos and there's no end in sight. I have no idea when I'm getting off of either.

So I'm making this thread to say it's official. I am now a full-fledged Benzodiazepine addict. There is no way around it. I have to have the benzo's or else I'll get manic, but taking the benzo's is now preventing me from doing some of the things I'd like to do in my life. I wish there was another alternative, but there honestly isnt...

I can't move out, I can't just stop taking my meds, and the only way I can deal with my insane amount of stress is Benzodiazepines. It's a pretty fucking shitty situation. The benzo's make my life bearable enough that I'm able to function - but they ruin a ton of my motivation and they're now start to stop me from doing the things I want to be able to do with my life!

I'm not sure what to do. Any input would be appreciated...

 

[Papaverium]

Well, I wouldn't recommend using antipsychotics for an anxiety/depressional problem... If you are still on them, that may be the cause of the depression even getting worse. Most of what you listed are antipsychotic medication... I personally don't believe they'll assist the issue if it is in fact an anxiety or clinical depression. Those meds are more used for Bi-polar, Schozophrenia, Borderline Personality Disorder, etc....

I am not doctor, but I would suggest finding a method of getting off those if you are in fact still on the antipsychotics, and focus on a way to taper your benzodiazepine use, while finding healthier ways to deal with stress.
I don't know what your home situation is like, but I feel turning to benzos is better than taking antipsychotic medication, or SSRI's/MAOI's especially for severe anxiety...

~Ms.P

 

[Lightning-Nl]

Well, I wouldn't recommend using antipsychotics for an anxiety/depressional problem... If you are still on them, that may be the cause of the depression even getting worse. Most of what you listed are antipsychotic medication... I personally don't believe they'll assist the issue if it is in fact an anxiety or clinical depression. Those meds are more used for Bi-polar, Schozophrenia, Borderline Personality Disorder, etc....

I am not doctor, but I would suggest finding a method of getting off those if you are in fact still on the antipsychotics, and focus on a way to taper your benzodiazepine use, while finding healthier ways to deal with stress.
I don't know what your home situation is like, but I feel turning to benzos is better than taking antipsychotic medication, or SSRI's/MAOI's especially for severe anxiety...

~Ms.P

Oh yeah, I absolutely agree. I told him that I'd rather 'commit suicide and end my suffering early, then be on Haldol before that happened." Yes. I'm not taking antipsychotics anymore (thank god).

 

[Kittycat5]

You are not an addict. Get that shit out of your head. Dependent, yes. Addict, no.

 

[Michael_25]

I've heard benzo withdrawal is fucked up. I've been on diazepam for over two years now. I've had periods where I have not taken a dose inbetween ten days... never experienced any withdrawal symptoms. Guess I'm one of the lucky ones.

 

[Papaverium]

You are not an addict. Get that shit out of your head. Dependent, yes. Addict, no.

^ that's a good outlook.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

You are not an addict. Get that shit out of your head. Dependent, yes. Addict, no.

Ya know what, you're damn right!

I'm not taking these meds to get high, I'm taking these medications for legitimate reasons! They're fucking prescribed to me! I have every right to take a medication for a legitimate medical condition! Why haven't I realized this before? I'm not an addict - an addict is someone who can't control their use and fiends after their DOC. I don't do that! I strictly follow my medication guidelines, and have only taken more than I was supposed to on rare occasions!

Fuck, this is the best thing I've ever heard. I'm not an addict, I'm just dependent on medications so I can live a normal life - the same way a cancer patient is dependent on his/her chemotherapy (or whatever) to stop their cancer! There is literally no difference!

Taking Benzodiazepines in the long-term WILL cause physical dependency, that's just a side-effect of long-term benzodiazepine treatment. However, psychological addiction almost never occurs unless the person is abusing the drug. I'm not abusing the drug - I don't fiend after more Klonopin or Temazepam. I'm not psychologically addicted. Physically dependent - yes. Psychologically addicted - no.

Thank you for that wisdom.

 

[Felonious Monk]

You are not an addict. Get that shit out of your head. Dependent, yes. Addict, no.

Keep this in mind. Very true.

Not that it's gonna help your withdrawal much when you want to get clean, but it WILL help your long term recovery, because you're not abusing, just using. Your history list of Rx medication matches mine pretty well, and I got dependent on benzos in the same way that you did--the unfortunate fact that they worked when nothing else did and I was in a very bad place. I'll just let you know I got off an Rx of 2x10mg Valium, 2x2mg Xanax, and 1x30mg Temazepam.

First 2 weeks detoxing SUCKED but 4 years later and I still don't use benzos. No desire.

 

[Snake_Eyes]

Ya know what, you're damn right!

I'm not taking these meds to get high, I'm taking these medications for legitimate reasons! They're fucking prescribed to me! I have every right to take a medication for a legitimate medical condition! Why haven't I realized this before? I'm not an addict - an addict is someone who can't control their use and fiends after their DOC. I don't do that! I strictly follow my medication guidelines, and have only taken more than I was supposed to on rare occasions!

Fuck, this is the best thing I've ever heard. I'm not an addict, I'm just dependent on medications so I can live a normal life - the same way a cancer patient is dependent on his/her chemotherapy (or whatever) to stop their cancer! There is literally no difference!

Taking Benzodiazepines in the long-term WILL cause physical dependency, that's just a side-effect of long-term benzodiazepine treatment. However, psychological addiction almost never occurs unless the person is abusing the drug. I'm not abusing the drug - I don't fiend after more Klonopin or Temazepam. I'm not psychologically addicted. Physically dependent - yes. Psychologically addicted - no.

Thank you for that wisdom.

So what does one consider abuse? I'm also prescribed temazepam (30mg) however I rarely take more than 15mg. I don't take benzos alone to get high but I do mix them with other drugs to "enhance" it. I have no problem controlling my usage other than taking them daily but I know I'm both mentally and physically addicted. I would kind of like to go back to taking them just 2-3 times a week but at this point I don't really see that being an option with my past year of use.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

I consider taking more than you're prescribed abuse. Now I will admit that there have been a couple times when I've been in dire straights so I took more Temazepam than I was supposed to; and while that is what I consider abuse - I feel like its responsible abuse.

Why would I say that? Because the next day I didn't keep taking 60 milligrams of Temazepam and went back to my prescribed dose of 30 milligrams. I feel that doing so was totally responsible. Why? Because I know exactly how addictive Temazepam is, and I know exactly what a life of benzodiazepine abuse/dependence would mean. I don't want that. However, I can't afford to go to the ER every time I start feeling so anxious that I feel like I'm loosing my mind. Especially when a second Temazepam can kill that and then I can function normal the next day.

Yes it's abuse. But I'm doing the best I can with the resources provided. I take an extra Temazepam about once every other month and when I do so - I do it not because I'm trying to get high, but because there's no alternative.

I guess you could make the claim that I'm addicted both mentally and physically. And I won't deny that I'm physically dependent - I definitely am, but that's just a side effect of long-term benzodiazepine usage. As for psychologically addicted? I'm not sure that claim can really be made. Yes I need it for anxiety, but if I didn't have any benzos all of a sudden (and I no doctor would prescribe them to me) I wouldn't go out and seek them on the street. I would man up and do it. It would be awful and it might even kill me - but if it came to that point, I'd withdraw from them without ever having a second thought.