At what time do you leave?

[SececaRD]

Im just curious what you guys opinions are on if your spouse is still using and your not.

Ive been clean for about 2 1/2 years. Ive been married to my wife for about 2 years now. In the last 2 years and prior that when we were dating she has relapsed about 5 times. She just cant seem to stay clean. Then when she relapses there comes the Lies, and everything else that goes with it.

Well this has happened again a couple days ago, and prior to this I told her one last time we are getting a divorce. Im just curious when enough is enough in yoru eyes. Whens it time to break it off????

 

[Jabberwocky]

A family systems approach would examine everyone's different roles in the relapse. That may sound like putting the blame on everyone else but if the environment is the primary environment for everyone involved, some of the dynamics are likely beyond just the "problem" person.

If I firmly believed with conviction that the greatest good or my personal sanity dictated that I separate I would separate. If I wanted to stay I'd examine my motives. If my trying to control or manage could be contributing to relapses I'd have to find ways to get that in check. I'd have a lot to examine and strategize about staying with or going away from the relationship. Hope this challenging time turns out well for all involved.

 

[Dr.kush]

well im not married but, i think you should just use tough love. if you are into 12-step meetings then go to NA/AA, with her everyday. and if she doesnt want to work on her sobriety for you then use tough love and say well i cant be with you anymore. she will hopefully understand i know its not easy but there is a simple solution. if she is not making you happy with her using, and she wont quit for her self or for you then it might be the time for some change.

I'm not exactly sure what you should. but i seen this with my parents. my dad was an alcoholic so my mom got fed up after all the fighting, so they divorced. i week before the divorce was finalized my dad died in a care accident while under the influence. and thats when my addiction began, but that is not important.

addiction can tare apart families, and we can lose the ones we love. so do what you think is necessary to help her, if it means divorce, or just going to meetings and start your recovery. what ever you think will be best for you two.

i with you two the best.

 

[Detrevni]

Yeah i think that sounds like good advice. Unfortunately the only way she will be able to truely quit is if she's finally ready to move on and get clean for herself. She may even attempt to get sober to appease you but more than likely she'll fall back into the same routine. I think Dr. Kush's advice sounds like a good idea to try. Hope it works out for you both.

 

[ocean]

I know you have a child- Where is he in all of this?
If you leave , will he be with you?
When you tell your wife you are going to leave , what does she say?


In my experience, leaving isn't always helpful. Sure, you get to take yourself out of whatever situations you are put through do to your spouse's use- but what does this do for her?
For some people, leaving is just what everyone needed. The Spouse gets help, each party moves on and it can be what is best......but it can also cause the using spouse to spiral out of control. I have seen it go both ways. As far as when that choice is made, and I know it is a heart wrenching one, it is entirely up to you and what you can take. I don't know what your relationship is like and noone here could reallllly know- so that choice will be yours. If you feel you can't take anymore, it is okay to leave. I know that it feels like you're giving up on the person you love- but sometimes, you have to save yourself.
BUT like Enki said, look at the situation and see what part you or others may be playing in her use and try to adjust that........If you use a hard approach (which I have seen you do online)- try a softer hand. No judgment, no harsh words, but try to help her in other ways.
Hope everything works out for you- It is a sticky situation.

 

[Asclepius]

My heart goes out to you...I have been 'with' my partner for 5 years and he is an alcoholic and perscription drug abuser. By 'with' i mean theres been so much to'ing and fro'ing because of his relapses over the years. It's the deception I can't handle, it really get's to me.
I dont use tough love approaches myself anymore(But I am firm and dont tolerate bullshit, remove myself from him if he's using, and call him out on it-basically I try to maintain my own values and respect) because I put too much energy into him and started to become controlling and classically co-dependant. Unlike you, we dont have children so fortunately I have the luxury of leaving when he relapses and leaving him to deal with his own relapse issues. I love him so much but its a tough balance to try to maintain.
Enough about me!
I think in the end you have to decide whether you are going to honour whats best for you and your little one and whether you believe staying with your wife is worth it. Have you both got Therapy at all or have other parties got involved so that your not shouldering all this yourself? Like Ocean said using Threats can be good or Bad depending on the Personality of the Person but I think you should be as open as possible about your motives(even if she isnt) that way she cannot blame you or herself for perceived persecutions which could be devastating. I think the more you throw light on the problems due to the Addiction by having third parties involved the less it will become a battle of wills just between the two of you which will feed her Addiction and erode both of your Sanity's as well as ultimately hurting your little one. Know theirs no magic solution to this, dont think Divorce is either but keep fishing for the best route to take until your comfortable with your decision, and most importantly keep yourself well ! Sorry I cant offer any more decent advice, best of luck!

 

[SececaRD]

Thanks people

Ocean your right I do have a son but its not with my wife. Its with my ex and my son doesnt live with me i get him every other weekend. (Ocean you must think Im the biggest ass =])
Its ok i love you!!! from the comment you made about me being harsh =]


Yeah theres no easy way to deal with this situation. I havent talked to her since she left, last I heard she was staying with her parrents. In a way its a releif to have her out of my life. Alot less stress and always woundering.

Thanks everyone for your support!!

Sean

 

[Asclepius]

Great that you have some space for peace of mind. Wish you all the best Sean!

 

[kokomo]

Im just curious what you guys opinions are on if your spouse is still using and your not.

Ive been clean for about 2 1/2 years. Ive been married to my wife for about 2 years now. In the last 2 years and prior that when we were dating she has relapsed about 5 times. She just cant seem to stay clean. Then when she relapses there comes the Lies, and everything else that goes with it.

Well this has happened again a couple days ago, and prior to this I told her one last time we are getting a divorce. Im just curious when enough is enough in yoru eyes. Whens it time to break it off????

well i kno u want ur wife to stay clean but how about respecting her life choices? no offense but imo u must respect ur wifes life style. if her use makes u crave or ur afraid of relapsing again then its time for a break imo at least. personally i had a similar situation wit my ex-SO back in teh day while we were at school me and my ex were badly addicted to pethidine (demerol) and when she asked me to quit wit her i told her that i didnt wanna quit tho she went to rehab and after hospitalization we got back together again and she was cool wit i was hooked on shit. i just kindly asked her to respect my choice and if she luves me she hafta live wit it.

of course everyone is different and if u feel bad bout it maybe a little separation mite work. a relationship built on lies aint healthy. if u think u cant handle her drug use talk to her and give her a last chance. everybody deserves a second chance u kno

hope things work out fine for u two

 

[ungovernable73]

just a quick thought to a very tough q.
but i'd say if its affectin your ability to stay clean you gotta bail,
if it doesnt then give all the help you can without enabling her use
tough situation
gl