xenothales
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2022
- Messages
- 4
Hello all. I've been browsing BL since 2012 and decided to sign up since I really need some specific help.
I have been using/abusing drugs since I was first prescribed Adderall at the age of 14 for ADHD. I joined the Marines (US) after scraping by high school. I thought I was just lazy; defective. I thought the Marines might cure that defect. I was separated from the Marines after 2 years and 5 months for alcohol-related misconduct (like tardiness). I have spent the last 7 years since then trying to stay sober and attain a college degree. I have barely attained an Associate's in that time, which speaks to my success at staying sober. In the last 7 years I have tried everything except Ayahuasca, Ketamine, and DMT (of the drugs that are talked about). I am 2 years sober, active in my local AA, finally service-connected for Major Depressive Disorder with Alcoholism (secondary), and in great physical shape. I am 28 years old and often feel intense dread, loneliness, and apathy. After the Marine Corps, I made a pact that I would never kill myself. I am convinced this life is beautiful and worthwhile. I have seen it. But then I have these moods out of nowhere and I cannot self-medicate anymore. It's driving me fucking insane. I need a reset and don't know how to do it sober. If you've made it this far then perhaps you want to help the person in this story. Or perhaps you are laughing at me. Either way, I'd appreciate some advice.
Here is where I'm at:
If you need more info please feel free to ask. For example, I had a good upbringing (minus being prescribed crack-pills at 14).
I have been using/abusing drugs since I was first prescribed Adderall at the age of 14 for ADHD. I joined the Marines (US) after scraping by high school. I thought I was just lazy; defective. I thought the Marines might cure that defect. I was separated from the Marines after 2 years and 5 months for alcohol-related misconduct (like tardiness). I have spent the last 7 years since then trying to stay sober and attain a college degree. I have barely attained an Associate's in that time, which speaks to my success at staying sober. In the last 7 years I have tried everything except Ayahuasca, Ketamine, and DMT (of the drugs that are talked about). I am 2 years sober, active in my local AA, finally service-connected for Major Depressive Disorder with Alcoholism (secondary), and in great physical shape. I am 28 years old and often feel intense dread, loneliness, and apathy. After the Marine Corps, I made a pact that I would never kill myself. I am convinced this life is beautiful and worthwhile. I have seen it. But then I have these moods out of nowhere and I cannot self-medicate anymore. It's driving me fucking insane. I need a reset and don't know how to do it sober. If you've made it this far then perhaps you want to help the person in this story. Or perhaps you are laughing at me. Either way, I'd appreciate some advice.
Here is where I'm at:
- I was prescribed Baclofen (low dose) which I stopped taking about 4 months ago because it caused sleep paralysis, imbecility, and led to a pinched nerve (or something) that caused SEVERE and constant pain in my right arm
- I take 150mg Wellbutrin in the AM once daily (extended release)
- I am going to ask my psych to be put on 200mg of Modafinil once daily
- I am having trouble reading, retaining, and solving my trigonometry homework (it's like goldfish memory/attention)
- I have recently come off ~2 grams Kratom daily for 2 months (greatly improved mood, but was taking it primarily so I could sleep with the aforementioned arm pain- then noticed I was still taking it after pain had subsided and freaked out because I thought I'd become addicted so I stopped)
- NOTE: the Wellbutrin helps with my depression but appears to be worsening my ADHD (emphasis on the A) and I matched with it using GeneSite.
- NOTE: I take 600 mg of N-Acetyl Cysteine and normal dose of Mushroom complex (Lion's Mane, Cordyceps, and something else) in AM
- NOTE: I smoked Newports for years but now I vape 3mg nic (going on 10 months)
- NOTE: Whim-Hof breathing and hot yoga are two things that help relieve my anxiety temporarily. They are not long-term solutions to my current problem.
If you need more info please feel free to ask. For example, I had a good upbringing (minus being prescribed crack-pills at 14).