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At a crazy point in life right now please help!

A

adreamer

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 20, 2012
Messages
2
ok so i'll start with this..

years ago i was dating a girl who was my dream girl and i was not interested in because I was too young in the mind and just wanted to hang out with friends.
after breaking up, over the years I hooked up with an ex girlfriend who got pregnant.
I tried to do the right thing and stay with this girl. We ended up getting married and I did the family thing for years even though my heart was not in it. I would think about my dream girl a lot and pushed the feelings away because of the kid.
because of this we had another kid.
I KNOW I have made a mess of things but because I pushed my feelings aside and tried to make a happy family I have suffered.
I have a good job and an excellent family man everything was perfect in her eyes.
We did not connect the way I have previously experienced with my dream girl.
The relationship started to break down because we had nothing to talk about. She is heavily religious and I tried to be the church man she wanted for years which only hurt me.
We ended up taking a break because I let my guard down and stopped trying to be fake person the one she wanted. I was still attentive and did everything for her.

I started talking to other women and the girl I was secretly yearning for over the years showed up in my life. An instant connection and over the months we have fallen madly in love. a soul mate feeling I have been searching for and it is finally here.

My wife is desperately wanting us to get back together but for all the wrong reasons. I am tempted to but scared it will go back to the way it was before. I would shut down and live a life I am faking. The only reason I am there is because I love my kids deeply.

Now that I have finally experienced the love I have been yearning for I have put myself in an awkward position...
When you have a list of things you want in a relationship and a partner she ticks all the boxes where my wife only a couple.....

What would you do in this situation?
I miss my kids SO much but I knew how much pain I was in being in a relationship that was wrong. Now I say to her why doesnt she find a guy that suits her because I have a feeling she only wants to get back because its the easy option for her which tears me apart. I hate that I am causing so much pain but I feel like killing myself when in the relationship with her the only thing that was keeping me there was the kids!!

A mess .. I know

Advice?!
 
How old are your kids?
I am just asking because, as you know, your decision can really impact them. If they are younger, divorce can be huge. I mean, divorce is big all the time. But teenagers can handle it a lot better than 3 year olds. And if she has custody over the kids and you can still see them at times, that helps too.
 
i repectfully disagree llama... My daughter was 17 when i moved out. She didn`t take it well at all. My sister got divorced when her kids were under 6 and the adjusted much better.

As to the op`s problems...

It sucks man that you`re in the postion to be second guessing yourself. Life is too short to be unhappy. Do what feels right for you. Staying only because of the kids is a bad idea imo. Being married is more about the adults than it is the children. Hope this all works out for you.
 
Oh man, I don't even know. On one hand, I feel like you're being selfish, but on the other, I don't believe you should be forced to be miserable forever. The poor wife. I really feel for her, because this is so unfair to her. I wonder why women go and have kids with a guy who is not into them, but it is what it is, I guess. I often feel like this is the case with my parents. My mom got pregnant, and my dad was trapped and didn't really want kids. But, my dad was a good provider and he did take care of us. He was just cold.

I think you should at least cut the wife loose and stop leading her on. It will hurt like hell for her, and having kids is even tougher. I feel for her, but she needs to have the ability to go out and find a guy who wants her instead of you. It sounds to me like you're hanging on to two women, and you have to let the axe fall on one of them.

Me being a selfish person that I am, I would probably go with my heart. That is me, and it is one reason I don't have kids. I can be selfish like that without harming anyone but myself.

Kids pick up on unhappy parents, though, so I would just make sure you spend a lot of time with them after the divorce.
 
Although you've got kids, the only way you'll truly be happy (imo) is if you go for the dream girl and stop faking the family man.
 
I would tell you to go ball to your wife and fake it for the kids, except you'll be miserable. You'll be a shit dad. In this case, divorce would be better, because the kids should ALWAYS come first. They didn't put themselves in this fucked-up situation.
 
My Father stayed together for his kids, and he had a terrible relationship. My parents recently split up after 30 years and are pretty happy. They see eachother twice a month every other weekend, my Dad still supports her they just live seperate. So.... My personal experience, being in a situation like that.. I felt my parents take out their anger and frustrations on me.. Sometimes indirectly, but a lot at me. It was hard man, breaking off and maintaing a relationship may be best for the kids. Explain that to them when they get older
 
Tude said:
I would tell you to go ball to your wife and fake it for the kids, except you'll be miserable. You'll be a shit dad. In this case, divorce would be better, because the kids should ALWAYS come first. They didn't put themselves in this fucked-up situation.
Click to expand...

Exactly
 
iheartthisthread said:
i repectfully disagree llama... My daughter was 17 when i moved out. She didn`t take it well at all. My sister got divorced when her kids were under 6 and the adjusted much better.
Click to expand...

But your daughter and your sisters kids are different people.
I don't want to presume things, but if I word it this way it might help explain what I meant.
Your daughter at age 17 took it very hard when you moved out. But imagine you moved out when she was 6. Would she have taken it much worse? My guess is that she would have.
And your sisters kids, they were 6. They adjusted relatively well. However, if they were 17 at the time of the divorce, I think they would have adjusted even quicker.

I mean, I'm 21 now. If my parents split up, it would be terrible, but not the end of the world. If they split up when I was 5 or 10, it would have been extremely tough.

It's comparing apples and oranges. People (children) are different. But he doesn't have the option of his kids vs. other kids. They are his kids. His kids would probably be able to take it better at age 15 than at age 5. That is what I'm saying. Hope this explained things a bit better :)
 
In my experience (with people close to me that is, I am fortunate enough to have both parents still together), those that have had parents divorce when they are young cope much better, provided that both parents are still attentive and supportive. Those that have had their parents separate during adolescence seem to have had a much harder time adjusting IME, and it appears to have been more disruptive for them at a vulnerable time. Of course, younger children certainly aren't immune to any of this, and they are also quite vulnerable. I think the support and attention that young children receive whilst going through primary school also helps to soften the blow. Of course, a LOT depends upon the parents and how well they manage the separation, and obviously such a thing can negatively impact children of all ages.

OP - I suggest that you do what makes you happy, as long as that doesn't interfere with your ability to be a good, supportive father. I also suggest that you make the effort to work on your relationship with your children's mother, and do everything in your power to maintain respect and love for each other as parents and friends. Do not let this new relationship distract you from your responsibilities, but other than that - enjoy yourself...we all deserve happiness and it's not something we should reject solely based upon guilt.
 
thank you for the excellent replies

kids are 2 and 4
It is the hardest part. My 4 year old says every time I see her "when are you and mummy getting back together" which tears me apart. Every time I see them I tell myself stuff it just ignore your feelings just to be with them but I know deep down the years that have been a disaster of a marriage. Especially now I have experienced a true loving and connecting relationship..

If you take anything from this story please learn from my mistakes!!!

some excellent advice posted above it has helped sort my thoughts and clear my head.
 
Good to hear and I believe you made the right choice for all involved the kids will understand one day so don't stress but at least they will now get to see their parents living happy live because kids learn from example and that includes what a a healthy relationship is.
 
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